BF's daughter and kids living with us (misery)

[Anonymous]

Way to go keeping the condo OP and giving him an ultimatum.

I will say this, 6 months doesn't seem like a super-long time for me as I know parents who have been supporting slackers for years. And since he has clearly put in an effort to make his daughter stand on her own and win you back, I think you should work with him.

A) Maybe get her a minimum wage job at a local store like Target or TJ Maxx and move her and the kid into a small apartment.

B) Assuming this is a low COL area let your BF help her pay half her rent and you can get a new renter in May to stay in the house.

I WOULDN'T let him move in with you as suggested above and the daughter keep the house while he still pays it - recipe for disaster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been with my BF for the last 6 years. I moved in with him 2 years ago. I am 32 and he is 44. He has 2 adult children 21( s) & 24(d). The 21 year old is really responsible. He graduated from college early, has a really good job, and just bought a house. Very ambitious young man who is going places. His daughter on the other hand has 2 kids 3 &1 and works low paying jobs which don't last. She has quit college even though her parents will pay her tuition. She is on the fast track to nowhere. Her BF broke up with her and she ended up moving back in with her dad and I. I had no say in the matter really. He asked me what I thought about his daughter and grandchildren moving in. I said if she did move in he needed to set a timeline about how long she could stay and she needed to get a full time job and go back to college part time. I told him if she did not agree to those stipulations I did not want her moving in. Did he take my advice? NOPE!

She moved in and 6 months later still no job and not going to school. The only productive thing he made her do was settle the custody battle she had brewing with her ex. Her ex would settle for nothing less than 50/50 and was willing to go to trial. BF's daughter was more than happy to spend her dads money on legal fees to try and limit his time. BF literally took the papers with a pen in hand and made her sign them giving her ex 50/50. He told her if she did not sign he would put her out of the house and support her ex getting sole custody. She signed. BF was so angry because she blew off a meeting with the lawyers to try and settle the case. That is the one time he put his foot down so he is capable of it.

I come home after working long days to a messy house. She has no consideration. She will leave the kids with us during her custody time and be gone for hours on end. I do enjoy spending time with her kids but I value my weekends. I don't want to spend it babysitting. I argue with BF about it all the time. I ask him when is she leaving and he says she has no where to go. Her brother and mom will not let her live with them. I am tired of arguing about his daughter and I have finally reached my breaking point.

Before I moved in with him I was living in a condo I had bought a few years before. Instead of selling it I decided to rent it out. The tenants who live there gave me a 30 day notice they were moving out. Come May 1st the place will be vacant. I told BF that I will be moving back into my condo. I could not take it anymore. I have already started packing. He asked me if I was breaking up with him. I said our relationship had been dying a slow death for the last 6 months and I don't see a future for us.

He has been trying to convince me that if I move out he will move with me. He just needs sometime to get his daughter settled in a new place and then we can move back in to his house. He sounds ridiculous saying that and he does not even see it. He is trying to light a fire under his daughter and made her clean the house from top to bottom. He is now applying for jobs for her and has taken her on 2 interviews. Today he took her to sign up for summer classes. He will no longer watch the grandkids unless it's for a job interview or something practical. He gives her a list of tasks she must complete everyday or "he will throw her ass out on the street". That is what he told her so she is complying with a major attitude. To me it's too little too late. Why do I have to reach my break point for him to realize the damage he has done and allowed his daughter to do. I have just been really pissed the last few days.

Is he kidding???

NO WAY.

OP, you have dodged a major bullet. Move out and kiss this guy good-bye, permanently. He was never going to marry you anyway.

And next time, don't shack up for 2 years without a little more concrete plan yourself. You sound a bit like the daughter, just older.

Does she really? She has no kids and a job with which to support herself and a condo she's owns and is therefore able to move back in to instead of stay in a situation that makes her unhappy. She has options and choices and is self sufficient. Doesn't sound like her BF's daughter at all.

Except when it comes to her love life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been with my BF for the last 6 years. I moved in with him 2 years ago. I am 32 and he is 44. He has 2 adult children 21( s) & 24(d). The 21 year old is really responsible. He graduated from college early, has a really good job, and just bought a house. Very ambitious young man who is going places. His daughter on the other hand has 2 kids 3 &1 and works low paying jobs which don't last. She has quit college even though her parents will pay her tuition. She is on the fast track to nowhere. Her BF broke up with her and she ended up moving back in with her dad and I. I had no say in the matter really. He asked me what I thought about his daughter and grandchildren moving in. I said if she did move in he needed to set a timeline about how long she could stay and she needed to get a full time job and go back to college part time. I told him if she did not agree to those stipulations I did not want her moving in. Did he take my advice? NOPE!

She moved in and 6 months later still no job and not going to school. The only productive thing he made her do was settle the custody battle she had brewing with her ex. Her ex would settle for nothing less than 50/50 and was willing to go to trial. BF's daughter was more than happy to spend her dads money on legal fees to try and limit his time. BF literally took the papers with a pen in hand and made her sign them giving her ex 50/50. He told her if she did not sign he would put her out of the house and support her ex getting sole custody. She signed. BF was so angry because she blew off a meeting with the lawyers to try and settle the case. That is the one time he put his foot down so he is capable of it.

I come home after working long days to a messy house. She has no consideration. She will leave the kids with us during her custody time and be gone for hours on end. I do enjoy spending time with her kids but I value my weekends. I don't want to spend it babysitting. I argue with BF about it all the time. I ask him when is she leaving and he says she has no where to go. Her brother and mom will not let her live with them. I am tired of arguing about his daughter and I have finally reached my breaking point.

Before I moved in with him I was living in a condo I had bought a few years before. Instead of selling it I decided to rent it out. The tenants who live there gave me a 30 day notice they were moving out. Come May 1st the place will be vacant. I told BF that I will be moving back into my condo. I could not take it anymore. I have already started packing. He asked me if I was breaking up with him. I said our relationship had been dying a slow death for the last 6 months and I don't see a future for us.

He has been trying to convince me that if I move out he will move with me. He just needs sometime to get his daughter settled in a new place and then we can move back in to his house. He sounds ridiculous saying that and he does not even see it. He is trying to light a fire under his daughter and made her clean the house from top to bottom. He is now applying for jobs for her and has taken her on 2 interviews. Today he took her to sign up for summer classes. He will no longer watch the grandkids unless it's for a job interview or something practical. He gives her a list of tasks she must complete everyday or "he will throw her ass out on the street". That is what he told her so she is complying with a major attitude. To me it's too little too late. Why do I have to reach my break point for him to realize the damage he has done and allowed his daughter to do. I have just been really pissed the last few days.

Is he kidding???

NO WAY.

OP, you have dodged a major bullet. Move out and kiss this guy good-bye, permanently. He was never going to marry you anyway.

And next time, don't shack up for 2 years without a little more concrete plan yourself. You sound a bit like the daughter, just older.

Does she really? She has no kids and a job with which to support herself and a condo she's owns and is therefore able to move back in to instead of stay in a situation that makes her unhappy. She has options and choices and is self sufficient. Doesn't sound like her BF's daughter at all.

Except when it comes to her love life.

The daughters baby's father broke up with her and the OP has no oow kids and is seriously considering giving her boyfriend the boot. But, whatever makes sense for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you're taking the correct course of action. Don't let your guard down just because he's making some positive changes.

Move back to your own place. If you still want to see him, you can continue to date while living in two different places. I wouldn't let him move into your condo, because then he'll essentially be giving up his house to his daughter and may even bring the grandkids into YOUR condo for babysitting. Don't allow that drama into your own space. If the daughter ever moves out, wait at least six months to make sure the change sticks before combining households again.

+1
Agree with all of this.
Good for you OP for sticking to your guns!

+2

While I think it's nice that he's taking care of his daughter (must be hard to "throw her ass on the street" when she's got two kids with her), don't let him move in with you, whatever you do.

I think your gut is telling you to dump him because, not only are you not his priority, your wants and needs don't even register to him. You moved in with him - this was YOUR home too, and he basically told you to shove it. I'd be pissed too. You are young and you can find something better, with less baggage.

[Anonymous]

I think you two should break up. Adult children can be a deal breaker when they are like your BF's daughter. She sounds shameless and entitled.

[Anonymous]

You are closer to his daughter's age than his age. I'd break up based on that alone.

[Anonymous]

Wow, you sound dramatic. Two small children's lives are at stake and your bf is doing the right thing by trying to help them out. That's what happens when you date someone with kids, no matter how old their kids are. If someone tried to get between my children and I, their ass would be the one out on the street.

Stop with the "dying a slow death" theatrics and just break up with the guy. What are you even trying to accomplish by dragging this out? That he'll disown his daughter and beg you for forgiveness? Not gonna happen.

Poor guy. He's a saint for putting those poor babies' well-being first. One day he'll find someone who appreciates him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Way to go keeping the condo OP and giving him an ultimatum.

I will say this, 6 months doesn't seem like a super-long time for me as I know parents who have been supporting slackers for years. And since he has clearly put in an effort to make his daughter stand on her own and win you back, I think you should work with him.

A) Maybe get her a minimum wage job at a local store like Target or TJ Maxx and move her and the kid into a small apartment.

B) Assuming this is a low COL area let your BF help her pay half her rent and you can get a new renter in May to stay in the house.

I WOULDN'T let him move in with you as suggested above and the daughter keep the house while he still pays it - recipe for disaster.

OP cannot get someone else a job. Where does this idea even come from? Further, if OP were to step in and somehow get her a job and get her an apartment and arrange for her BF to pay half the rent for her, that would be at least as enabling as what the BF is doing now, which is a horrible idea.

OP, you're making the right choice by moving out. This situation isn't likely to get better, and it's definitely not going to get better if the other people involved have no incentive to change it.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like it is not a good match and time to part ways.

[Anonymous]

OP, we are the same age. You aren't as mature as you think you are.

Break up and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, you sound dramatic. Two small children's lives are at stake and your bf is doing the right thing by trying to help them out. That's what happens when you date someone with kids, no matter how old their kids are. If someone tried to get between my children and I, their ass would be the one out on the street.

Stop with the "dying a slow death" theatrics and just break up with the guy. What are you even trying to accomplish by dragging this out? That he'll disown his daughter and beg you for forgiveness? Not gonna happen.

Poor guy. He's a saint for putting those poor babies' well-being first. One day he'll find someone who appreciates him.

All of this.
I can't believe all the people cheering OP on she is literally the evil step mother they all complain about.

The only thing good she can do is break up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, you sound dramatic. Two small children's lives are at stake and your bf is doing the right thing by trying to help them out. That's what happens when you date someone with kids, no matter how old their kids are. If someone tried to get between my children and I, their ass would be the one out on the street.

Stop with the "dying a slow death" theatrics and just break up with the guy. What are you even trying to accomplish by dragging this out? That he'll disown his daughter and beg you for forgiveness? Not gonna happen.

Poor guy. He's a saint for putting those poor babies' well-being first. One day he'll find someone who appreciates him.

All of this.
I can't believe all the people cheering OP on she is literally the evil step mother they all complain about.

The only thing good she can do is break up.

Disagree completely. Letting an adult move into your home with no boundaries, rules, expectations of behavior, or timeline to move out is not "helping them out." Rather, you are enabling bad behaviors that will only harm them later on. Daughter has two kids, she needs to get a grip on her life so she can do right by the kids, not mooch off of grandpa and grandpa's girlfriend permanently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, you sound dramatic. Two small children's lives are at stake and your bf is doing the right thing by trying to help them out. That's what happens when you date someone with kids, no matter how old their kids are. If someone tried to get between my children and I, their ass would be the one out on the street.

Stop with the "dying a slow death" theatrics and just break up with the guy. What are you even trying to accomplish by dragging this out? That he'll disown his daughter and beg you for forgiveness? Not gonna happen.

Poor guy. He's a saint for putting those poor babies' well-being first. One day he'll find someone who appreciates him.

All of this.
I can't believe all the people cheering OP on she is literally the evil step mother they all complain about.

The only thing good she can do is break up.

Disagree completely. Letting an adult move into your home with no boundaries, rules, expectations of behavior, or timeline to move out is not "helping them out." Rather, you are enabling bad behaviors that will only harm them later on. Daughter has two kids, she needs to get a grip on her life so she can do right by the kids, not mooch off of grandpa and grandpa's girlfriend permanently.

+1
OP isn't mistreating the adult daughter nor her BF's grandkids, she's says she enjoys them. But she's also not going to let her needs get trampled just because her BF refused to have a spine. She didn't give him an ultimatum, she simply made arrangements and told him what she was going to do about a situation that he already knew wasn't tenable for her. A lot of women could take a page out of her book.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been with my BF for the last 6 years. I moved in with him 2 years ago. I am 32 and he is 44. He has 2 adult children 21( s) & 24(d). The 21 year old is really responsible. He graduated from college early, has a really good job, and just bought a house. Very ambitious young man who is going places. His daughter on the other hand has 2 kids 3 &1 and works low paying jobs which don't last. She has quit college even though her parents will pay her tuition. She is on the fast track to nowhere. Her BF broke up with her and she ended up moving back in with her dad and I. I had no say in the matter really. He asked me what I thought about his daughter and grandchildren moving in. I said if she did move in he needed to set a timeline about how long she could stay and she needed to get a full time job and go back to college part time. I told him if she did not agree to those stipulations I did not want her moving in. Did he take my advice? NOPE!

She moved in and 6 months later still no job and not going to school. The only productive thing he made her do was settle the custody battle she had brewing with her ex. Her ex would settle for nothing less than 50/50 and was willing to go to trial. BF's daughter was more than happy to spend her dads money on legal fees to try and limit his time. BF literally took the papers with a pen in hand and made her sign them giving her ex 50/50. He told her if she did not sign he would put her out of the house and support her ex getting sole custody. She signed. BF was so angry because she blew off a meeting with the lawyers to try and settle the case. That is the one time he put his foot down so he is capable of it.

I come home after working long days to a messy house. She has no consideration. She will leave the kids with us during her custody time and be gone for hours on end. I do enjoy spending time with her kids but I value my weekends. I don't want to spend it babysitting. I argue with BF about it all the time. I ask him when is she leaving and he says she has no where to go. Her brother and mom will not let her live with them. I am tired of arguing about his daughter and I have finally reached my breaking point.

Before I moved in with him I was living in a condo I had bought a few years before. Instead of selling it I decided to rent it out. The tenants who live there gave me a 30 day notice they were moving out. Come May 1st the place will be vacant. I told BF that I will be moving back into my condo. I could not take it anymore. I have already started packing. He asked me if I was breaking up with him. I said our relationship had been dying a slow death for the last 6 months and I don't see a future for us.

He has been trying to convince me that if I move out he will move with me. He just needs sometime to get his daughter settled in a new place and then we can move back in to his house. He sounds ridiculous saying that and he does not even see it. He is trying to light a fire under his daughter and made her clean the house from top to bottom. He is now applying for jobs for her and has taken her on 2 interviews. Today he took her to sign up for summer classes. He will no longer watch the grandkids unless it's for a job interview or something practical. He gives her a list of tasks she must complete everyday or "he will throw her ass out on the street". That is what he told her so she is complying with a major attitude. To me it's too little too late. Why do I have to reach my break point for him to realize the damage he has done and allowed his daughter to do. I have just been really pissed the last few days.

Because unfortunately so many woman are all talk no action that he had no incentive to change, he figured you'd just deal. The steps he's taking now are good but you are right, it shouldn't have to get this bad for him to act.

[Anonymous]

Oh dear, OP, your boyfriend has parent guilt--probably because of the divorce from the kids mom, He wasn't around, blah, blah, blah. Because you 2 aren't married, you have no power. This doesn't make him a bad guy and it appears he is trying to be a good guy to his daughter. The unknown is if the daughter is able to step up and get her life together. 6 months in and it doesn't look positive.

Kudos to you for having a condo, a job and the means to make a change. Don't allow him to move into your condo.