My husband is very stupid

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry and sad for both you and your husband. Peace.

[Anonymous]

You HATE this guy.

[Anonymous]

OP: You are a complete asshole. If I were married to you I would be in shutdown mode too.

[Anonymous]

He has inattentive ADHD.

He wants very much to do the right thing and make you happy and that's his intention.

But even with his full focus, he then gets anxious while trying to remember all the things you have told him he has to do in a given situation.

He tries but he gets it wrong again and he knows it because you sigh, roll your eyes, announce you need to do everything yourself, pick apart what he has done.

He then becomes even more anxious about every interaction that he can barely and feels useless.

So the next time you are raging mad and ready to tell him to tell him how stupid and lazy he is, stop and think to yourself that right now, your DH feels as raging mad as you do. At himself. And that has now torn away a little bit more of his self esteem and replaced it with anxiety.

and yes, your DH should get help and needs medication. it will be a life changer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure why everyone here is assuming a careless and uninterested husband will either seek or get 50% custody. The sad truth is, statistically, that most divorcing fathers don't even TRY to get 50% custody. Most are all too happy to let moms do all the work, and just be weekend dad (at best!), taking the kids off for some fun for a few hours every so often.

And though OP's husband may be an idiot (or just a guy with really severe and untreated ADHD), most judges are not idiots. A woman who goes into divorce proceedings and offers evidence showing that the father is not willing or able to properly care for the children stands an excellent chance of getting full physical custody of the children, with Idiot Dad just getting visits.

I don't know whether OP's account of her husband's negligence with the kids is fair or unfair. But OP, if you truly believe your husband is incapable of caring properly for your kids, start collecting evidence of that: keep a record of messed up stuff he does, with dates and details. ("Sunday, April 8: forgot to feed kids for hours." Whatever. And go see a good divorce lawyer.

LOL. News flash: your home diary of every time your husband got on your nerves and didn't parent exactly like how you would parent is NOT going to get you full custody. The judge knows you can't stand the guy, that's why you're divorcing. They're not going to take your word for it that they suck without actual evidence.

The biggest evidence of how you *actually* feel about your partner's parenting ability is whether you leave your kids alone with them. If you do, then either 1) you must actually trust them to keep the kid alive and reasonably healthy, or 2) whatever else you want to do must be more important to you than your kid staying alive and healthy. Neither one is a good argument for shutting the other parent out of the child's life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, it felt good to get that off my chest. I am ashamed to confide in people what an idiot I married. Having said that, I guess my question is whether it is wrong to break up my daughter’s family over this.

I am like a single parent of one child and one half-wit adult. The stress of it all is killing me.

You married him, so, apparently, you also are dumber than a rock.

[Anonymous]

Get divorced as soon as you can. Really. No need to wait. BTDT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you marry him?

Because of the ol’ biological clock, I’m guessing.

OP here. What a stupid thing to say. We have another genius here. Try reading the thread and learning about how serious deficits can be well hidden in youth due to the relative lack of stressors.

DP here. Yet the deficit is not one of intelligence, but of attention. Therefore your whole premise is incorrect: your husband is not stupid.

I’m laughing at your responses! Love yah OP! Kick some ass!

[Anonymous]

Can’t fix stupid

[Anonymous]

OP, if you really believe it's not ADHD but rather laziness and stupidity, then the real reason for your unhappiness is this:

Your husband doesn't love you and does not want to be married to you. He is acting the way he's acting because he has disengaged from you and your marriage. That's the truth. Please understand this is not a criticism of you; lots of fabulous women have trouble finding love. But I know that men, even stupid lazy men, want to move mountains to please and be with the women they want. I don't see this in your husband.

For your own sake, do not see this as a strong woman/weak man couple. You are not strong. You are displaying weakness and dependency because you allow him to exploit you, and behave as if you have no alternatives to being his wife. What do you think your husband would do if he was afraid to lose you? Is he?

What do you think would happen to his life if you leave him? Is he going to keep blowing things off, or is he going to manage his own life just fine? Believe me, he will survive, and he will not suddenly become homeless and helpless. He will manage.

TLDR version: he doesn't care about you. That's the only reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Since I'm a scientist in a biomedical field, I happen to know that ADHD is real, and not fake.

It is also extremely frustrating, and couples struggling with ADHD have an increased risk of divorce.

My husband and my son have ADHD and their lives are severely impacted by it. My son is medicated and that is the only way he can function in school. My husband has a very high IQ and thinks he compensates well without meds, when in reality he doesn't completely, not nearly as much as he thinks. I live in hope that one day, he will start taking his meds daily. Then he wouldn't be let go regularly from his jobs, he wouldn't forget to enroll us in COBRA, he wouldn't be late for everything, he wouldn't misplace his glasses on a daily basis, he would actually remember what he's been told, etc!

Do you think Isaac Newton would have been diagnosed with ADHD? Are you sure that lack of broad-based executive functioning isn't a pathology as much as a side effect of high intelligence and super focus? Do you think the world's greatest discoveries and innovations could have happened if geniuses were splitting their time between discovering that the world is spherical and remembering to pick up bread on the way home for wifie?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he is the smart one actually. He has you to do everything, he works less, you are doing the parenting bcs you told him he is an idiot...I think he hopes he gets fired from being your DH, and wants to collects alimony too. He seems to know exactly what he is doing. He married a controlling freak show, and he is just observing you falling apart. Plus, you act like you are his boss, but even if he does nothing you aren't firing him? He is praying for the day you fire him/divorce him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he is the smart one actually. He has you to do everything, he works less, you are doing the parenting bcs you told him he is an idiot...I think he hopes he gets fired from being your DH, and wants to collects alimony too. He seems to know exactly what he is doing. He married a controlling freak show, and he is just observing you falling apart. Plus, you act like you are his boss, but even if he does nothing you aren't firing him? He is praying for the day you fire him/divorce him.

You sound like you’re speaking from experience. With all the effort you put into getting things wrong and being passive aggressive, you would have made your own money ages ago. Instead, people like you put up with being upbraided like children and regularly humiliated in front of your kids by angry spouses who have lost all respect for you, and then think you’re coming out ahead. You must have zero dignity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lots of men (my brother, for instance) marry women who are somewhat intellectually challenged on purpose, just so they can feel superior and in charge. Usually the women have other attributes that make up for this in the man's opinion.

I'd say maybe you should just enjoy the dynamic you chose.

(My brother was occasionally frustrated with SIL's lack of comprehension skills but overall he was happy with the way his marriage worked, he accomplished his goal. Married 35 years.)

Women (and some men) tend to forget WHY they married who they married, and tend to think that "the grass is greener" - namely, because women might think another man has more money to spend, spend, spend. And somehow, their own husband disappointed them. I have seen women try to consider a man they might think is rich - IRL, the man is attracted to his own wife because his own wife has attributes that the spend-happy women do not. Men see this a mile away. Don't underestimate the other women's attributes, ladies - stay in your own lane. I say this because some of my friends are married to successful men who would never (in a million years) be successful without their wives help, and all that their wives have done for them throughout the years. The men are not stupid, they know this. Other women could never handle half of what my friends have done for their husbands, even though other women would never want to give my friends (smart in their own right) any credit. Women can be really insecure and looking for the next best thing, but IRL, it's not the next best thing for them, at all. PP, I don't think most successful men have dumb wives, in fact, I think it is the opposite. Whether insecure women want to believe this looking from the outside in? Doubtful. "The grass is greener" idea never helped women, throughout history, and the smart women know this.

OP here. What in the world does this middle school homework assignment on “women throughout history” have to do with my post? Get a life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, it felt good to get that off my chest. I am ashamed to confide in people what an idiot I married. Having said that, I guess my question is whether it is wrong to break up my daughter’s family over this.

I am like a single parent of one child and one half-wit adult. The stress of it all is killing me.

You married him, so, apparently, you also are dumber than a rock.

OP here. Zing! Go forth in satisfaction at how you put that lady in her place online. You’re just accummulating accomplishments today.