My husband is very stupid

[Anonymous]

There sure are a lot of women posting here with husbands who supposedly have ADHD, and their wives are in a perpetual state of exasperation.

I find it difficult to believe that all of these otherwise successful men are somehow barely able to function as adults. Is it possible that some people just have unrealistic expectations?

A wise person once explained to me that if you look closely at any successful business, you will notice that under the hood, when you observe how people and departments interact with each other, even a good business seems wildly dysfunctional. It's only when you "zoom out" a bit and focus more on the longer-term trajectory that matters. I think people and families are like this as well. You are an aggressively scrutinizing someone, they are going to seem sloppy and disorganized because most people are constantly making mistakes and making adjustments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There sure are a lot of women posting here with husbands who supposedly have ADHD, and their wives are in a perpetual state of exasperation.

I find it difficult to believe that all of these otherwise successful men are somehow barely able to function as adults. Is it possible that some people just have unrealistic expectations?

A wise person once explained to me that if you look closely at any successful business, you will notice that under the hood, when you observe how people and departments interact with each other, even a good business seems wildly dysfunctional. It's only when you "zoom out" a bit and focus more on the longer-term trajectory that matters. I think people and families are like this as well. You are an aggressively scrutinizing someone, they are going to seem sloppy and disorganized because most people are constantly making mistakes and making adjustments.

Lots of ADHD people can focus well at work, especially if they are ambitious or passionate about what they do. They just fall apart when they get home. Or when they get older and have more responsibilities like children, a house, eldercare, etc. In their 20s, ADHD is easy to hide or downplay because most people don't have responsibilities beyond work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have been in your shoes. My DH has inattentive ADHD that has been severely affecting his life for his entire 55 years on this planet.

I went through a time when DD was younger when I was angry and considered leaving.

Does he have ANY good qualities?

Is he good in bed?
Funny?
Kind?
A fun dad?
Compassionate?

If you can say yes (or remember a time when the answer was yes) then maybe this is worth saving. But you will have to find a way to let go of the daily anger.

Get a house cleaner
Order groceries online - he can pick them up
Leave lists for errands - doc appointment - stores. Maybe one day you will be able to throw a little heart or I love you on there
Help him with his calendar. I have to remind him to eat and feed the kid (though now at 10 she can handle that)

I also got some Zoloft which helps my anger.


If what I laid out above makes you angry/eyeroll/or seems ridiculous then maybe you should leave him.

I truly wanted it to work and now it does for us.

This is excellent advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There sure are a lot of women posting here with husbands who supposedly have ADHD, and their wives are in a perpetual state of exasperation.

I find it difficult to believe that all of these otherwise successful men are somehow barely able to function as adults. Is it possible that some people just have unrealistic expectations?

A wise person once explained to me that if you look closely at any successful business, you will notice that under the hood, when you observe how people and departments interact with each other, even a good business seems wildly dysfunctional. It's only when you "zoom out" a bit and focus more on the longer-term trajectory that matters. I think people and families are like this as well. You are an aggressively scrutinizing someone, they are going to seem sloppy and disorganized because most people are constantly making mistakes and making adjustments.

Lots of ADHD people can focus well at work, especially if they are ambitious or passionate about what they do. They just fall apart when they get home. Or when they get older and have more responsibilities like children, a house, eldercare, etc. In their 20s, ADHD is easy to hide or downplay because most people don't have responsibilities beyond work.

To rephrase the bolded, they are not ambitious and/or passionate about their families. Viola!

[Anonymous]

He says getting evaluated is insulting? And also recognizes the burden you carry?

Tell him it isn’t fair to leave you dealing with everything when there might be a solution, and that not getting evaluated says he doesn’t care about you and hurts your marriage.

[Anonymous]

There are men willing to put up with inattentive ADD, because I, the DW, am married to one. I’m not as bad as your DH, but my DH still has to remind me to do stuff. And is perpetually closing cabinet doors and drawers, tidying up my messes and making a todo list for me (and making another one when I lose the original one).

The thing is, I know I have ADD and I know I struggle and I know it’s hard on DH and I know there are areas that he will have to lead/parent. So I don’t get offended when he reminds me for the 50th time to do the taxes. And I do my best to be value-added in other ways.

I know you are at the end of your rope. But there are a few things you have to do.
1) quit being contemptuous to DH for you DD sake. Seeing that kind of behavior is setting her up to find a relationship when she’s older where either her or her partner will be contemptuous to each other.
2) tell DH that you are frustrated and going to divorce him if he doesn’t get his sh!t together. Tell him he probably has ADD, needs to get diagnosed and on Meds. His responsibility. Also, find/suggest a Life Coach that specializes in ADHD to help him come up with strategies that work for him. Even if you do end up divorced, the Meds and skills he learns from a life coach will help him take care of your daughter solo.

[Anonymous]

Just let him go OP. It doesn't sound like either of you love each other any more, if you ever did.

[Anonymous]

How would it make you feel to be under the microscope of a hypercritical person who is supposed to be your best friend?

I can tell you that it would zap your confidence and self esteem.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound controlling. Your DH probably shut down when you started having kids and you became the house dictator. He probably had ideas of how to manage the family and you shut him down because you already knew everything.

He seems be successful in running his social life so it could just be you. I don't know...just my thoughts.

[Anonymous]

So, your child, how old?, has ADHD meds? So, you understand that your child has an issue, right? Or do you call you child stupid too? Also, it really makes me wonder, if you are the problem. You have a child with a diagnosis that needs controlled substance, hence you took measures to diagnose your child. I wonder if anything is wrong with your child or your DH, or do you just see anybody who is laid back as a stupid loser?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do the man a favor and let him go. He will blossom once he has his freedom back and does not have to endure your taunting ridicule. Set him free!!!

NP here. I was engaged to a similar person. I helped him through college both financially and with his daily academics. Once out of college I had to do everything and he messed up the slightest task I asked him to do. Even then I was patient with him because his family loved me and treated me nicely. His dad even told me that I was too good and too generous for such a selfish person. At the time I could not understand why a dad would talk as such about his son. Three weeks prior to the wedding we found out had had cheated on me and gotten someone else pregnant. Instead if apologizing he started telling everyone that throughout our 7 years together he felt emasculated and felt like he could never measure up to me. Years later I realized he had just used me and when it was time for him to contribute, he acted like a dummy because he did not want to contribute. OP, leave him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do the man a favor and let him go. He will blossom once he has his freedom back and does not have to endure your taunting ridicule. Set him free!!!

NP here. I was engaged to a similar person. I helped him through college both financially and with his daily academics. Once out of college I had to do everything and he messed up the slightest task I asked him to do. Even then I was patient with him because his family loved me and treated me nicely. His dad even told me that I was too good and too generous for such a selfish person. At the time I could not understand why a dad would talk as such about his son. Three weeks prior to the wedding we found out had had cheated on me and gotten someone else pregnant. Instead if apologizing he started telling everyone that throughout our 7 years together he felt emasculated and felt like he could never measure up to me. Years later I realized he had just used me and when it was time for him to contribute, he acted like a dummy because he did not want to contribute. OP, leave him.

Sure. You married a guy whom you had to help with his "daily academics" and his finances and then somehow dismissed it when his own father told you that you are too good for him and still married him after finding out that he got someone else pregnant three weeks before your wedding. Sounds totally believable.

Either you are an exaggerating martyr or a complete fool. I'm not sure which.

[Anonymous]

Lots of men (my brother, for instance) marry women who are somewhat intellectually challenged on purpose, just so they can feel superior and in charge. Usually the women have other attributes that make up for this in the man's opinion.

I'd say maybe you should just enjoy the dynamic you chose.

(My brother was occasionally frustrated with SIL's lack of comprehension skills but overall he was happy with the way his marriage worked, he accomplished his goal. Married 35 years.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There sure are a lot of women posting here with husbands who supposedly have ADHD, and their wives are in a perpetual state of exasperation.

I find it difficult to believe that all of these otherwise successful men are somehow barely able to function as adults. Is it possible that some people just have unrealistic expectations?

A wise person once explained to me that if you look closely at any successful business, you will notice that under the hood, when you observe how people and departments interact with each other, even a good business seems wildly dysfunctional. It's only when you "zoom out" a bit and focus more on the longer-term trajectory that matters. I think people and families are like this as well. You are an aggressively scrutinizing someone, they are going to seem sloppy and disorganized because most people are constantly making mistakes and making adjustments.

Lots of ADHD people can focus well at work, especially if they are ambitious or passionate about what they do. They just fall apart when they get home. Or when they get older and have more responsibilities like children, a house, eldercare, etc. In their 20s, ADHD is easy to hide or downplay because most people don't have responsibilities beyond work.

+1

The smartest men I know are an absolute disaster at home, the wife does everything , and then some. From the outside, these husbands might look perfect, but honestly, I have no idea how these women keep it together above and beyond, like they do. The women in these situations are amazing, and not all women are as capable - but then again, that is probably what attracted these guys in the first place. The guys likely knew they were/are a handful (even if they knew at a subconscious level), and the women exceed at what they do, so it works - otherwise, with any other woman, forget it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lots of men (my brother, for instance) marry women who are somewhat intellectually challenged on purpose, just so they can feel superior and in charge. Usually the women have other attributes that make up for this in the man's opinion.

I'd say maybe you should just enjoy the dynamic you chose.

(My brother was occasionally frustrated with SIL's lack of comprehension skills but overall he was happy with the way his marriage worked, he accomplished his goal. Married 35 years.)

Women (and some men) tend to forget WHY they married who they married, and tend to think that "the grass is greener" - namely, because women might think another man has more money to spend, spend, spend. And somehow, their own husband disappointed them. I have seen women try to consider a man they might think is rich - IRL, the man is attracted to his own wife because his own wife has attributes that the spend-happy women do not. Men see this a mile away. Don't underestimate the other women's attributes, ladies - stay in your own lane. I say this because some of my friends are married to successful men who would never (in a million years) be successful without their wives help, and all that their wives have done for them throughout the years. The men are not stupid, they know this. Other women could never handle half of what my friends have done for their husbands, even though other women would never want to give my friends (smart in their own right) any credit. Women can be really insecure and looking for the next best thing, but IRL, it's not the next best thing for them, at all. PP, I don't think most successful men have dumb wives, in fact, I think it is the opposite. Whether insecure women want to believe this looking from the outside in? Doubtful. "The grass is greener" idea never helped women, throughout history, and the smart women know this.