My husband is very stupid

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what are your husband's strengths as a person? Surely he is functional in some respects? Try to leverage them.

I cannot ask my husband to do a lot of things. If he goes to the grocery store for us, he needs a list. If he goes to the doctor with our kids, he needs a list. If he does yardwork without me present, he will probably pull out some of our plants that we've had for 5 years because he thought they were weeds. I do taxes. I do bills. I plan meals. I cook. I clean. I organize.

But he can follow instructions, written down. He can take care of the cars. He is good at his job. He can vacuum. He can cut the grass and do some limited weeding. He can do the laundry as long as I fold everything up (he "can't" fold laundry). It is a little bit pathetic? Yeah, but as long as I feel our division of labor is fair (thanks to endless lists) it's fine.

Mine with a list of 8-10 things (small trip), and pictures of 1 of the most important things WITH THE PRICES on the list STILL CAN'T come home with the right thing 3 times in a row. I can't even give him the shopping anymore and he has more time than I do to do this choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do some many of you ladies marry men you hate and don’t respect and then and have children with them and then spend the rest of your life complaining about how horrible they are?

Was the sex really that good? Or maybe these losers really are just the best you could do?

FFS. Another one of these posts. You have lived a very privileged and fortunate life since you seem never to have encountered anyone who was great at masking their real self, their issues, their ADHD or OCD or whatever uring dating, engagement and the early stages of marriage.

You have zero idea how well some people can cover, and how well some people with severe issues can cope sufficiently UNTIL children, a house to look after, and increasing work responsibilities make all their worst attributes emerge.

Blaming the "ladies" for marrying these men is insane. These men were like this, underneath, all along, but did not fully show it until after marriage, when day to day real life started to ask more of them than just being self-focused, just doing their job and coming home to their wife.

You do not remotely understand this dynamic, yet come here to condescend to, insult and blame the wives. I'm sure you're superior to them all. And before you say I'm projecting: My marriage isn't like this, thank God, but I've seen this dynamic destroy a couple of marriages where the DH fell to pieces once he was needed to cope with anything other than himself. Undiagnosed, untreated, unmedicated, and discovered late, ADHD and ADD and executive functioning issues kill respect, override affection and destroy marriages, and it's not the fault of the spouse who was only shown a deceptively "together" version of that man.

Yes, I get it. Nothing is ever your fault. You are perfect and are being cruelly victimized by a man implementing his years-long plan to manipulate you and take advantage of you.

I’ve seen plenty of marriages where one spouse was *clearly* struggling to cope after the arrival of the first kid, but was managing to just keep it together, hanging on by a thread. And inevitably, the other spouse (usually the wife) INSISTS on adding additional kids and then is *shocked* when struggling spouse goes completely off the rails. (How dare he have tricked her into piling more on his plate than he can manage?! What a selfish pr!ck.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The assumption that a divorced parent with untreated disorders or neurodivergence which could endanger a child AUTOMATICALLY gets ANY custody is false. I have sole custody or my children while my abusive former spouse has none. It wasn't even that difficult. Kids and I are thriving like we never could have with former spouse regularly in the picture.

Not what my lawyer consults said. Maryland.

What got you full custody or 80%+ custody in writing, at time of divorce?

If they are that messed up pretty good chance they neither hire a lawyer nor show up for hearings if it gets to the stage. If they are really messed up they might just sign anything just to be free.

Child molester visitation what me lawyer called the every other weekend, plus Wed. evening visitation/custody schedule.

Be grateful they your Ex wasn’t that messed up.

Molesting children is different than a high income narcissist ASD/ ADHD STBX divorce case where he won’t mediate because his paternal attitude is “he deserves the right to see his kids when he wants.”

I had one of those refusal to mediate is easy just move on to litigation at that point they get a lawyer or they don’t. Either they show up or they don’t either way you get a decree. And the child molester visitation is just a euphemism for the most basic level awarded short of sole.

Either way lots of the more disordered if pushed don’t really care that much especially if money isn’t an issue or it’s not made an issue. The basic

ADHD/Narc ex especially so. If they pay minimal support or none at all they tend to not care for that much face time with the kiddos. Even if they fight at first take the money off the table or if the kiddo is a dud they disappear quickly.

The ones willing to pay child support and be a big presence in their kids lives tend to not be the really disordered ones.

[Anonymous]

Image and ego. Big motivator of 50/50

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is also lazy.

I think the nice way to put this would be something like “exhibits deficits in executive functioning” and is “inattentive,” but the truth is that he is a stupid and lazy man. In decisions big and small, he doesn’t have any ideas, asks me questions like “what should we do?” as if I have a manual, and shuts down easily. When crises hit, I am both the idea person and the doer. I can’t entrust tasks to him because the simplest job is an opportunity to shirk, forget, or make some idiotic mistake I couldn’t even imagine was possible.

Before we had a child and all sorts of difficulties hit, his deficits were well hidden. He was slow to do basic things, but there was not nearly as much to do. And I am a very energetic, take-charge person who naturally assumes responsibility. Now, however, there is simply too much for me to take on, no matter how much energy I have. I work 60-80 hour weeks, while he works no more than 40. Yet, I have to do most things.

He can’t be trusted with our child’s appointments because when he goes, he checks out and forgets to tell the doctor important information and then forgets what the doctor told him. He can’t be trusted with our child’s medication because it is a controlled substance with a precise dose and he likes to pour “roughly” enough. He forgets to feed her when I’m not home. He can’t even grocery shop.

It has gotten to the point at which I struggle to talk to him with respect, which makes him even more nervous and helpless. I have never heard of sheer stupidity as a ground for divorce, but that is where I am.

Wow! Your poor husband!

[Anonymous]

I know, check him in to assisted care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do some many of you ladies marry men you hate and don’t respect and then and have children with them and then spend the rest of your life complaining about how horrible they are?

Was the sex really that good? Or maybe these losers really are just the best you could do?

FFS. Another one of these posts. You have lived a very privileged and fortunate life since you seem never to have encountered anyone who was great at masking their real self, their issues, their ADHD or OCD or whatever uring dating, engagement and the early stages of marriage.

You have zero idea how well some people can cover, and how well some people with severe issues can cope sufficiently UNTIL children, a house to look after, and increasing work responsibilities make all their worst attributes emerge.

Blaming the "ladies" for marrying these men is insane. These men were like this, underneath, all along, but did not fully show it until after marriage, when day to day real life started to ask more of them than just being self-focused, just doing their job and coming home to their wife.

You do not remotely understand this dynamic, yet come here to condescend to, insult and blame the wives. I'm sure you're superior to them all. And before you say I'm projecting: My marriage isn't like this, thank God, but I've seen this dynamic destroy a couple of marriages where the DH fell to pieces once he was needed to cope with anything other than himself. Undiagnosed, untreated, unmedicated, and discovered late, ADHD and ADD and executive functioning issues kill respect, override affection and destroy marriages, and it's not the fault of the spouse who was only shown a deceptively "together" version of that man.

Yes, I get it. Nothing is ever your fault. You are perfect and are being cruelly victimized by a man implementing his years-long plan to manipulate you and take advantage of you.

I’ve seen plenty of marriages where one spouse was *clearly* struggling to cope after the arrival of the first kid, but was managing to just keep it together, hanging on by a thread. And inevitably, the other spouse (usually the wife) INSISTS on adding additional kids and then is *shocked* when struggling spouse goes completely off the rails. (How dare he have tricked her into piling more on his plate than he can manage?! What a selfish pr!ck.)

Sorry you've had such awful experiences with women that you can't see past your own projection and offer the OP any actual, useful advice.

Also sorry that your reading comprehension is so poor. No one talked about any "years-long plan to manipulate and take advantage" of anyone. We're talking instead about some men who are utterly incapable of ANY "years-long plans" at all; they can't even go grocery shopping with a list, or remember how to avoid overdosing their child on medication. But you keep right on imagining the wives are just angry harridans, if that's what gives you your comfort, hon.