My husband is very stupid

[Anonymous]

He is also lazy.

I think the nice way to put this would be something like “exhibits deficits in executive functioning” and is “inattentive,” but the truth is that he is a stupid and lazy man. In decisions big and small, he doesn’t have any ideas, asks me questions like “what should we do?” as if I have a manual, and shuts down easily. When crises hit, I am both the idea person and the doer. I can’t entrust tasks to him because the simplest job is an opportunity to shirk, forget, or make some idiotic mistake I couldn’t even imagine was possible.

Before we had a child and all sorts of difficulties hit, his deficits were well hidden. He was slow to do basic things, but there was not nearly as much to do. And I am a very energetic, take-charge person who naturally assumes responsibility. Now, however, there is simply too much for me to take on, no matter how much energy I have. I work 60-80 hour weeks, while he works no more than 40. Yet, I have to do most things.

He can’t be trusted with our child’s appointments because when he goes, he checks out and forgets to tell the doctor important information and then forgets what the doctor told him. He can’t be trusted with our child’s medication because it is a controlled substance with a precise dose and he likes to pour “roughly” enough. He forgets to feed her when I’m not home. He can’t even grocery shop.

It has gotten to the point at which I struggle to talk to him with respect, which makes him even more nervous and helpless. I have never heard of sheer stupidity as a ground for divorce, but that is where I am.

[Anonymous]

OP here, it felt good to get that off my chest. I am ashamed to confide in people what an idiot I married. Having said that, I guess my question is whether it is wrong to break up my daughter’s family over this.

I am like a single parent of one child and one half-wit adult. The stress of it all is killing me.

[Anonymous]

You married him for a reason...probably precisely because you are aggressive and didn't want to be challenged.

If you can't rely on him, then outsource whatever you can.

[Anonymous]

I don't think your obvious contempt is helping matters, op.

First, have you talked to him about this in a non-insulting way? Have you told him you feel too much pressure? What does he say?

Have you tried counseling?

You suggest that your husband is a danger to your daughter. Is this really true? If it is, and he refuses to get better, then you need to start talking to a lawyer. That's basically it.

But the outright contempt and finding your husband "stupid" will destroy whatever kind of marriage you have.

[Anonymous]

Why did you marry him?

[Anonymous]

Since I'm a scientist in a biomedical field, I happen to know that ADHD is real, and not fake.

It is also extremely frustrating, and couples struggling with ADHD have an increased risk of divorce.

My husband and my son have ADHD and their lives are severely impacted by it. My son is medicated and that is the only way he can function in school. My husband has a very high IQ and thinks he compensates well without meds, when in reality he doesn't completely, not nearly as much as he thinks. I live in hope that one day, he will start taking his meds daily. Then he wouldn't be let go regularly from his jobs, he wouldn't forget to enroll us in COBRA, he wouldn't be late for everything, he wouldn't misplace his glasses on a daily basis, he would actually remember what he's been told, etc!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you marry him?

Because ADHD impacts multi-tasking, and frequently people get married before getting promoted to upper management, before having kids to pile on more responsibilities, before being homeowners, before having to care for elderly parents, all at the same time. And when life becomes a little complicated, this is when people with ADHD start not being able to cope. A young single person with no responsibilities expect to hold down one simple job will rarely exhibit any symptoms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you marry him?

Because ADHD impacts multi-tasking, and frequently people get married before getting promoted to upper management, before having kids to pile on more responsibilities, before being homeowners, before having to care for elderly parents, all at the same time. And when life becomes a little complicated, this is when people with ADHD start not being able to cope. A young single person with no responsibilities expect to hold down one simple job will rarely exhibit any symptoms.

Forgetting to feed a child is well beyond anything you describe

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you marry him?

Because ADHD impacts multi-tasking, and frequently people get married before getting promoted to upper management, before having kids to pile on more responsibilities, before being homeowners, before having to care for elderly parents, all at the same time. And when life becomes a little complicated, this is when people with ADHD start not being able to cope. A young single person with no responsibilities expect to hold down one simple job will rarely exhibit any symptoms.

Forgetting to feed a child is well beyond anything you describe

I agree that in OP's case, there might be more going on!

But my husband with ADHD has missed feeding our kids. He has no internal clock and doesn't check what time it is, gets involved with a preferred task and completely ignores everything else. Which is why I had to do everything kid-related when they were little, for their own safety.

When you read about parents forgetting to bring their infant from the car to the daycare, and going to work, these are probably people with inattentive ADHD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think your obvious contempt is helping matters, op.

First, have you talked to him about this in a non-insulting way? Have you told him you feel too much pressure? What does he say?

Yes, and he admits what I say is true. When he is in a good mood, he tells me he would like me to teach him how to be more effective. The problem is that there are not enough hours in a day to teach an adult things like “here is how to check the lines on the syringe to make sure you have an exact dose.” And how do I teach an adult not to freeze and look at me like a deer in headlights when bad news hits? I agreed that I would make a weekly to-do list, but now he forgets to check it.

I seriously think he has an undiagnosed learning disability because his parents are the types who would not have bothered to get him checked or treated. But he won’t get evaluated and thinks the suggestion is insulting.

Have you tried counseling?

Finding the time is hard. We tried it and missed more sessions than we attended. I don’t need someone to help me get to the bottom of my anger over the course of six months. I literally need someone to come in and teach this person NOW how to be an adult.

You suggest that your husband is a danger to your daughter. Is this really true? If it is, and he refuses to get better, then you need to start talking to a lawyer. That's basically it.

Yes, it is true. Not on purpose, but his forgetfulness, carelessness, and stupidity has led to mistakes that put her at risk. I am actually almost afraid to divorce him because we might have to share custody and the man can’t handle a child alone right now.

But the outright contempt and finding your husband "stupid" will destroy whatever kind of marriage you have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you marry him?

Because ADHD impacts multi-tasking, and frequently people get married before getting promoted to upper management, before having kids to pile on more responsibilities, before being homeowners, before having to care for elderly parents, all at the same time. And when life becomes a little complicated, this is when people with ADHD start not being able to cope. A young single person with no responsibilities expect to hold down one simple job will rarely exhibit any symptoms.

OP here. Yes! Back when we were a young, childless couple, he managed. He is actually getting worse as life gets more complex. He is less effective now than he was when we were in our 20s.

[Anonymous]

Treat him like an idiot and give him clear rules.

- Go to the doctor and WRITE DOWN everything they say.
- Only fill THIS portion cup with the medicine.

Whatever it takes. Or leave him, up to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you marry him?

Because ADHD impacts multi-tasking, and frequently people get married before getting promoted to upper management, before having kids to pile on more responsibilities, before being homeowners, before having to care for elderly parents, all at the same time. And when life becomes a little complicated, this is when people with ADHD start not being able to cope. A young single person with no responsibilities expect to hold down one simple job will rarely exhibit any symptoms.

Forgetting to feed a child is well beyond anything you describe

I agree that in OP's case, there might be more going on!

But my husband with ADHD has missed feeding our kids. He has no internal clock and doesn't check what time it is, gets involved with a preferred task and completely ignores everything else. Which is why I had to do everything kid-related when they were little, for their own safety.

When you read about parents forgetting to bring their infant from the car to the daycare, and going to work, these are probably people with inattentive ADHD.

OP here. Wow, maybe he does have ADHD. It is as if you are describing my husband exactly. With all that is already on my plate, I do not have the time to coddle him through going to get evaluated and treated though. He doesn’t want to face reality. I feel like a hostage because I worry about sharing custody with this simpleton, but life with him is intolerable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you marry him?

Because of the ol’ biological clock, I’m guessing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Treat him like an idiot and give him clear rules.

- Go to the doctor and WRITE DOWN everything they say.
- Only fill THIS portion cup with the medicine.

Whatever it takes. Or leave him, up to you.

OP, so, basically become his mom or share custody with a dummy. I feel defrauded, honestly. Annulments should be granted on the grounds of undisclosed mental problems.