My husband is very stupid

[Anonymous]

I wonder if OP stayed …

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The assumption that a divorced parent with untreated disorders or neurodivergence which could endanger a child AUTOMATICALLY gets ANY custody is false. I have sole custody or my children while my abusive former spouse has none. It wasn't even that difficult. Kids and I are thriving like we never could have with former spouse regularly in the picture.

Not what my lawyer consults said. Maryland.

What got you full custody or 80%+ custody in writing, at time of divorce?

[Anonymous]

OP, I am so sorry that you are struggling like this.

You have two issues - 1) you need help because there is a lot on your plate and 2) your DH has ADHD brain

I have only come across two kinds of men in my life - 1) men who have ADHD brain that seems to lack organizational abilities and common sense and 2) Conniving, clever, vicious men who are manipulative and toxic. I will take the ADHD brain man every single time.

My DH also has ADHD brain (and so does my son ). Here is how you live happily with them -

- Make sure that they are doing well at their jobs and they should continue to get certifications and professional skills. Usually ADHD men are pretty competent at work because they are doing the kinds of jobs that are pretty well-defined with standard operating processes. And they can be very focussed on limited things. Not doing well at work will make them depressed. And trust me that you do not want a depressed ADHD person at home. My ADHD DH is a beloved boss because he is very well informed in his area of expertise, has a very high level idea of what he wants, therefore he gives autonomy to his subordinates to work out the details and has a lot of compassion for family issues. He is consistently one of the top performers at work (even though he cannot project manage to save his life) as he is great at getting the big picture.

- Make sure that they are exercising and active. Make sure that their gut is healthy. Make sure that they are not taking anything that can mess with their brain chemistry and gut health. No -vaping, alcohol, caffeine, soda, processed food, nicotine, drugs etc. The more fresh veggies and fruits they will have, the sharper their brain becomes. Make sure that they are a few pounds below their ideal weight also. And pooping regularly is important so make sure they are getting enough fiber. Sleep is also very important to them.

- Find out what they are good at or like to do and you focus them on doing that activity only. My DH likes to cook. I only have to manage the quantities he cooks but apart from that he does a competent job of cooking, cleaning and refrigerating. He however forgets what he has cooked. My job is to hunt the leftovers and make sure that it gets finished.

- Have an uncluttered home. They clutter up every place they live just by being in that space and then they become even more "stupid". Make sure that you declutter like a fiend. The less things they have the better they can manage in their environment.

- Clothes - Make sure that you have "uniforms" for every person in the house for "every day", "lounging/nightime", "fancy dressing". The more clothes you have the sloppier they will dress. Your dressers and closets should only be 40% full. Make it easy for them to dress up and dress the kids. Simplify. And the way to simplify is to have "uniforms".

- SOP. You need to have standard operating procedures for most things for them. They are excellent for following it to the tee. My ADHD man was great during the COVID hygiene rituals that we had to follow.

- Manage the finances. Let them do the investing in mutual funds, but the household budget needs to be tightly controlled by you so that they do not do excessive spending.

- One instruction at a time. Yup, you need to give them one instruction at a time, make them responsible for only one or two major things (under your watch).

- Outsource what you do not have energy for. Outsource what is essential to have a functional household.

- Have the following written down and stick to it - BUDGET, Medication, Phone numbers, Doctors, School, Office, Support system contacts, periodic and seasonal tasks.

- Have projects for them with an end in sight. This is essential. You must tell them they need to do x, y, and z. And you must tell them how much time it will take. I make my entire household clean up the house in 10 minutes, twice a day. All I do is set up the timer for 10 minutes and tell every one to put 20 things away in its proper place. All of my family members zip around like electrons putting the house straight. And within 5-10 minutes my house is pretty organized every single day. Especially important for the ADHD household. Neatness is the key.

- Organize a shelf at a time. Or a room at a time. Or a category at a time. Asking them to organize everything at once will not work. You need to become minimalistic.

- Don't let them go to Costco alone.

- Have a thriving social life and don't let them get isolated. Do simple entertaining with an activity thrown in. Game nights are my DH's favorite time because food is fairly simple, it is inclusive, set up is easy, cleanup is easy and at a fixed time every leaves.

- Don't make him responsible for things in the house that requires care - plants, pets etc. Keep expectation low. When I leave my house for a long period, I only want my kids fed and safe and my house not burned down. That is the extent of what I expect my DH to do.

HOWEVER, he is a good provider and a loving father. He is loving and loyal. He appreciates me and is grateful to the life we have made together. He is a moral person and he is a kind person. Think of his ADHD brain as a specialized instrument. It is not an all-purpose tool. You need to wield the instrument with care and appreciate his qualities.

[Anonymous]

Omg that’s exhausting for a fulltime working mom to run the household and the kids ever changing schedules and also baby an ADHD husband indefinitely.

[Anonymous]

Some people call it loyalty when it’s really Deer in Headlight, dependency, inertia and confusion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am so sorry that you are struggling like this.

You have two issues - 1) you need help because there is a lot on your plate and 2) your DH has ADHD brain

I have only come across two kinds of men in my life - 1) men who have ADHD brain that seems to lack organizational abilities and common sense and 2) Conniving, clever, vicious men who are manipulative and toxic. I will take the ADHD brain man every single time.

My DH also has ADHD brain (and so does my son ). Here is how you live happily with them -

- Make sure that they are doing well at their jobs and they should continue to get certifications and professional skills. Usually ADHD men are pretty competent at work because they are doing the kinds of jobs that are pretty well-defined with standard operating processes. And they can be very focussed on limited things. Not doing well at work will make them depressed. And trust me that you do not want a depressed ADHD person at home. My ADHD DH is a beloved boss because he is very well informed in his area of expertise, has a very high level idea of what he wants, therefore he gives autonomy to his subordinates to work out the details and has a lot of compassion for family issues. He is consistently one of the top performers at work (even though he cannot project manage to save his life) as he is great at getting the big picture.

- Make sure that they are exercising and active. Make sure that their gut is healthy. Make sure that they are not taking anything that can mess with their brain chemistry and gut health. No -vaping, alcohol, caffeine, soda, processed food, nicotine, drugs etc. The more fresh veggies and fruits they will have, the sharper their brain becomes. Make sure that they are a few pounds below their ideal weight also. And pooping regularly is important so make sure they are getting enough fiber. Sleep is also very important to them.

- Find out what they are good at or like to do and you focus them on doing that activity only. My DH likes to cook. I only have to manage the quantities he cooks but apart from that he does a competent job of cooking, cleaning and refrigerating. He however forgets what he has cooked. My job is to hunt the leftovers and make sure that it gets finished.

- Have an uncluttered home. They clutter up every place they live just by being in that space and then they become even more "stupid". Make sure that you declutter like a fiend. The less things they have the better they can manage in their environment.

- Clothes - Make sure that you have "uniforms" for every person in the house for "every day", "lounging/nightime", "fancy dressing". The more clothes you have the sloppier they will dress. Your dressers and closets should only be 40% full. Make it easy for them to dress up and dress the kids. Simplify. And the way to simplify is to have "uniforms".

- SOP. You need to have standard operating procedures for most things for them. They are excellent for following it to the tee. My ADHD man was great during the COVID hygiene rituals that we had to follow.

- Manage the finances. Let them do the investing in mutual funds, but the household budget needs to be tightly controlled by you so that they do not do excessive spending.

- One instruction at a time. Yup, you need to give them one instruction at a time, make them responsible for only one or two major things (under your watch).

- Outsource what you do not have energy for. Outsource what is essential to have a functional household.

- Have the following written down and stick to it - BUDGET, Medication, Phone numbers, Doctors, School, Office, Support system contacts, periodic and seasonal tasks.

- Have projects for them with an end in sight. This is essential. You must tell them they need to do x, y, and z. And you must tell them how much time it will take. I make my entire household clean up the house in 10 minutes, twice a day. All I do is set up the timer for 10 minutes and tell every one to put 20 things away in its proper place. All of my family members zip around like electrons putting the house straight. And within 5-10 minutes my house is pretty organized every single day. Especially important for the ADHD household. Neatness is the key.

- Organize a shelf at a time. Or a room at a time. Or a category at a time. Asking them to organize everything at once will not work. You need to become minimalistic.

- Don't let them go to Costco alone.

- Have a thriving social life and don't let them get isolated. Do simple entertaining with an activity thrown in. Game nights are my DH's favorite time because food is fairly simple, it is inclusive, set up is easy, cleanup is easy and at a fixed time every leaves.

- Don't make him responsible for things in the house that requires care - plants, pets etc. Keep expectation low. When I leave my house for a long period, I only want my kids fed and safe and my house not burned down. That is the extent of what I expect my DH to do.

HOWEVER, he is a good provider and a loving father. He is loving and loyal. He appreciates me and is grateful to the life we have made together. He is a moral person and he is a kind person. Think of his ADHD brain as a specialized instrument. It is not an all-purpose tool. You need to wield the instrument with care and appreciate his qualities.

You talk about your husband like he is a pet dog or a very small child. But I’m glad you seem happy with that.

[Anonymous]

Op - same and I hate him for it.
Feel awful to admit but true. Life ruining thing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am so sorry that you are struggling like this.

You have two issues - 1) you need help because there is a lot on your plate and 2) your DH has ADHD brain

I have only come across two kinds of men in my life - 1) men who have ADHD brain that seems to lack organizational abilities and common sense and 2) Conniving, clever, vicious men who are manipulative and toxic. I will take the ADHD brain man every single time.

My DH also has ADHD brain (and so does my son ). Here is how you live happily with them -

- Make sure that they are doing well at their jobs and they should continue to get certifications and professional skills. Usually ADHD men are pretty competent at work because they are doing the kinds of jobs that are pretty well-defined with standard operating processes. And they can be very focussed on limited things. Not doing well at work will make them depressed. And trust me that you do not want a depressed ADHD person at home. My ADHD DH is a beloved boss because he is very well informed in his area of expertise, has a very high level idea of what he wants, therefore he gives autonomy to his subordinates to work out the details and has a lot of compassion for family issues. He is consistently one of the top performers at work (even though he cannot project manage to save his life) as he is great at getting the big picture.

- Make sure that they are exercising and active. Make sure that their gut is healthy. Make sure that they are not taking anything that can mess with their brain chemistry and gut health. No -vaping, alcohol, caffeine, soda, processed food, nicotine, drugs etc. The more fresh veggies and fruits they will have, the sharper their brain becomes. Make sure that they are a few pounds below their ideal weight also. And pooping regularly is important so make sure they are getting enough fiber. Sleep is also very important to them.

- Find out what they are good at or like to do and you focus them on doing that activity only. My DH likes to cook. I only have to manage the quantities he cooks but apart from that he does a competent job of cooking, cleaning and refrigerating. He however forgets what he has cooked. My job is to hunt the leftovers and make sure that it gets finished.

- Have an uncluttered home. They clutter up every place they live just by being in that space and then they become even more "stupid". Make sure that you declutter like a fiend. The less things they have the better they can manage in their environment.

- Clothes - Make sure that you have "uniforms" for every person in the house for "every day", "lounging/nightime", "fancy dressing". The more clothes you have the sloppier they will dress. Your dressers and closets should only be 40% full. Make it easy for them to dress up and dress the kids. Simplify. And the way to simplify is to have "uniforms".

- SOP. You need to have standard operating procedures for most things for them. They are excellent for following it to the tee. My ADHD man was great during the COVID hygiene rituals that we had to follow.

- Manage the finances. Let them do the investing in mutual funds, but the household budget needs to be tightly controlled by you so that they do not do excessive spending.

- One instruction at a time. Yup, you need to give them one instruction at a time, make them responsible for only one or two major things (under your watch).

- Outsource what you do not have energy for. Outsource what is essential to have a functional household.

- Have the following written down and stick to it - BUDGET, Medication, Phone numbers, Doctors, School, Office, Support system contacts, periodic and seasonal tasks.

- Have projects for them with an end in sight. This is essential. You must tell them they need to do x, y, and z. And you must tell them how much time it will take. I make my entire household clean up the house in 10 minutes, twice a day. All I do is set up the timer for 10 minutes and tell every one to put 20 things away in its proper place. All of my family members zip around like electrons putting the house straight. And within 5-10 minutes my house is pretty organized every single day. Especially important for the ADHD household. Neatness is the key.

- Organize a shelf at a time. Or a room at a time. Or a category at a time. Asking them to organize everything at once will not work. You need to become minimalistic.

- Don't let them go to Costco alone.

- Have a thriving social life and don't let them get isolated. Do simple entertaining with an activity thrown in. Game nights are my DH's favorite time because food is fairly simple, it is inclusive, set up is easy, cleanup is easy and at a fixed time every leaves.

- Don't make him responsible for things in the house that requires care - plants, pets etc. Keep expectation low. When I leave my house for a long period, I only want my kids fed and safe and my house not burned down. That is the extent of what I expect my DH to do.

HOWEVER, he is a good provider and a loving father. He is loving and loyal. He appreciates me and is grateful to the life we have made together. He is a moral person and he is a kind person. Think of his ADHD brain as a specialized instrument. It is not an all-purpose tool. You need to wield the instrument with care and appreciate his qualities.

Lady you are brainwashed into thinking it’s normal your spouse is like a helpless cognitively impaired child and it’s not.
ADHD or no adhd he is an adult - stop enabling this crp.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people call it loyalty when it’s really Deer in Headlight, dependency, inertia and confusion.

Agree.

Makes me sick to my stomach when people try to conjur up some sad or adhd positive and throw out loyalty.


That’s misguided and incorrect. Leeching on to you and acting like a dependent disabled child who cannot learn anything is not loyalty. Thats unhealthy dependency.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The assumption that a divorced parent with untreated disorders or neurodivergence which could endanger a child AUTOMATICALLY gets ANY custody is false. I have sole custody or my children while my abusive former spouse has none. It wasn't even that difficult. Kids and I are thriving like we never could have with former spouse regularly in the picture.

Not what my lawyer consults said. Maryland.

What got you full custody or 80%+ custody in writing, at time of divorce?

If they are that messed up pretty good chance they neither hire a lawyer nor show up for hearings if it gets to the stage. If they are really messed up they might just sign anything just to be free.

Child molester visitation what me lawyer called the every other weekend, plus Wed. evening visitation/custody schedule.

Be grateful they your Ex wasn’t that messed up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The assumption that a divorced parent with untreated disorders or neurodivergence which could endanger a child AUTOMATICALLY gets ANY custody is false. I have sole custody or my children while my abusive former spouse has none. It wasn't even that difficult. Kids and I are thriving like we never could have with former spouse regularly in the picture.

Not what my lawyer consults said. Maryland.

What got you full custody or 80%+ custody in writing, at time of divorce?

If they are that messed up pretty good chance they neither hire a lawyer nor show up for hearings if it gets to the stage. If they are really messed up they might just sign anything just to be free.

Child molester visitation what me lawyer called the every other weekend, plus Wed. evening visitation/custody schedule.

Be grateful they your Ex wasn’t that messed up.

Molesting children is different than a high income narcissist ASD/ ADHD STBX divorce case where he won’t mediate because his paternal attitude is “he deserves the right to see his kids when he wants.”

[Anonymous]

Why do some many of you ladies marry men you hate and don’t respect and then and have children with them and then spend the rest of your life complaining about how horrible they are?

Was the sex really that good? Or maybe these losers really are just the best you could do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You married him for a reason...probably precisely because you are aggressive and didn't want to be challenged.

If you can't rely on him, then outsource whatever you can.

^^^ Ding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do some many of you ladies marry men you hate and don’t respect and then and have children with them and then spend the rest of your life complaining about how horrible they are?

Was the sex really that good? Or maybe these losers really are just the best you could do?

FFS. Another one of these posts. You have lived a very privileged and fortunate life since you seem never to have encountered anyone who was great at masking their real self, their issues, their ADHD or OCD or whatever uring dating, engagement and the early stages of marriage.

You have zero idea how well some people can cover, and how well some people with severe issues can cope sufficiently UNTIL children, a house to look after, and increasing work responsibilities make all their worst attributes emerge.

Blaming the "ladies" for marrying these men is insane. These men were like this, underneath, all along, but did not fully show it until after marriage, when day to day real life started to ask more of them than just being self-focused, just doing their job and coming home to their wife.

You do not remotely understand this dynamic, yet come here to condescend to, insult and blame the wives. I'm sure you're superior to them all. And before you say I'm projecting: My marriage isn't like this, thank God, but I've seen this dynamic destroy a couple of marriages where the DH fell to pieces once he was needed to cope with anything other than himself. Undiagnosed, untreated, unmedicated, and discovered late, ADHD and ADD and executive functioning issues kill respect, override affection and destroy marriages, and it's not the fault of the spouse who was only shown a deceptively "together" version of that man.

[Anonymous]

OP you are not alone at all. I can't deal with how stupid my DH is, I had no idea as I didn't live with him before we got married and I totally regret that. He has severe untreated ADHD along with generally being really slow. He says he's a logical person yet nothing he does makes any logical sense to me. I'm at the end of my rope, I'm too old to be trying to deal with this anymore. I love him but feel no longer in love with him. I feel like I have a son and not a husband. Everything needs to be done 2 and 3 times because he doesn't finish anything and he continues to make the same mistakes over and over again like they have never happened before WHAT IS THIS? How can they NOT learn?