My husband is very stupid

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get divorced as soon as you can. Really. No need to wait. BTDT.

OP here. Did you have young children? How did custody work out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound controlling. Your DH probably shut down when you started having kids and you became the house dictator. He probably had ideas of how to manage the family and you shut him down because you already knew everything.

He seems be successful in running his social life so it could just be you. I don't know...just my thoughts.

OP here. I didn’t say a thing about his social life. What are you on about?

[Anonymous]

OP, check out the Gottman research on marriage. They can predict divorce with a surprising degree of accuracy.

Contempt is pretty much the biggest indicator. So maybe you leave him, so as not to model an unhealthy marriage model to your DD and watch her seek out the same thing when she gets older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lots of men are helpless to some extent. It's not your job to fix him. That would be codependent. How old is your child? You can't work overtime in a job and also do all the labor in the house, or you will be angry and burnt out (which it sounds like you are). Do you really need to work that much? Just act like you are a single mother within the marriage. He seems stretched beyond what he can handle which makes him seem useless. His plate is full. Don't add to his plate. Involving him and expecting help from him is more frustrating than just doing everything yourself or hiring someone to help you. It will get easier when your kid gets more self sufficient. He has to come to the realization that he has to do something for himself to be more functional.

OP here. Yep, you nailed it. I am stressed and angry (but not going to let anyone here take my back for a ride, as my responses show). I am just going to live life as I would if he had disappeared one day. But I’m not going to do all the and give him the benefit of a faithful, loving wife too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, check out the Gottman research on marriage. They can predict divorce with a surprising degree of accuracy.

Contempt is pretty much the biggest indicator. So maybe you leave him, so as not to model an unhealthy marriage model to your DD and watch her seek out the same thing when she gets older.

OP here. I have thought about this because I really do view him with a lot of contempt. I am going to leave him as soon as DD is older. I would have divorced him by now if not for her. There is no way I am going to waste more of my life basically raising him to be some semblance of a functional being. I don’t make him carry that burden for me and I am already doing enough.

[Anonymous]

OP you have some severe personality issues. It drops from your first few posts.
I can't speak for the type of person DH is but I am so glad I am not married to you. Ugh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you have some severe personality issues. It drops from your first few posts.
I can't speak for the type of person DH is but I am so glad I am not married to you. Ugh.

OP is a narcissistic control freak and a terrible person. Her poor husband.

[Anonymous]

I am in a relationship with an untreated ADHD Inattentive husband.
It was hell until our youngest was 5 yo.
We both work FT in demanding jobs but I was getting run down doing everything. Absolutely everything and then trying to remind him, correct stuff he broke/forgot/half-assed, he'd forget kids' private school interviews, he'd forget prescriptions for the kdis for days, I'd return for a 2 day biz trip to mess/sick kids/ lost items.
He absolutely hit a wall trying to work in sr mgmt, take care of a house/yard, be a husband, no close how to be a father or actually "parent" kids, no goals for kids or family. His brain and focus was only on work. He was never "present" when home - just look at work Iphone every 5 minutes or disappear into the bathroom with his phone for 20 minutes at least 5 times a weekday and 10x a weekend.
As kids got older they realized he couldn't keep track of anything, never was listening to what they said so they'd act up more around him. He response was to be a pushover. He has a poor relationship with them now.
As for the marriage I frequently thought about divorce. He was falling into this defensive temper tantrum eruption every couple months. He knew he wasn't keeping track of life, but would still throw excuses at it.

The TURNING POINT, was when I stopped caring to get angry or hurt or upset but I would continue to point out F UPS. They were not minor and they were negatively affecting the family. The sheer frequency of them and consistently of the same one became crystal clear to him - he knew he had a problem. I was not going to quit my career to take care of him and baby him and the household. My two daughters were not learning what being a parent team or man of the house was supposed to be about. It was clear we were at a turning point. He had to start shifting his ADHD hyper focus to the family, not just kssing ass at work. I read, and then he read the book ADHD marriage. He agreed with everything in it.

He went for a physical, he got a pysch rec, did the ADHD tests, had it, got meds, got therapy. It's not perfect but much better. He is now thinking of how to approach his brother about his ADHD issues - for brother it manifests itself every work, no job, no relationships, all excuses, no organizational skills, no social skills for work.

5 yaers later, turns out his mother knew the whole time there was likely this issue for her husband and two sons. But she just wanted to get them out of the house. Younger son is highly co-dependent on them for housing, money, "advice" and even social.

[Anonymous]

my sister is married to a guy just like this. None of us can figure out why. He is nice. But she also really likes to be in control. She basically treats him like another child in the house. She doesn't even bother to tell him anything about the kids, the house etc. This works for them because she is a SAHM though. You guys are poorly matched. He won't change unless he starts medicating. He may also just be lazy and dumb.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have been in your shoes. My DH has inattentive ADHD that has been severely affecting his life for his entire 55 years on this planet.

I went through a time when DD was younger when I was angry and considered leaving.

Does he have ANY good qualities?

Is he good in bed?
Funny?
Kind?
A fun dad?
Compassionate?

If you can say yes (or remember a time when the answer was yes) then maybe this is worth saving. But you will have to find a way to let go of the daily anger.

Get a house cleaner
Order groceries online - he can pick them up
Leave lists for errands - doc appointment - stores. Maybe one day you will be able to throw a little heart or I love you on there
Help him with his calendar. I have to remind him to eat and feed the kid (though now at 10 she can handle that)

I also got some Zoloft which helps my anger.


If what I laid out above makes you angry/eyeroll/or seems ridiculous then maybe you should leave him.

I truly wanted it to work and now it does for us.

This is excellent advice.

If you need zoloft to manage your anger at your husband, then no, I don't think you have worked through this issue at all.

[Anonymous]

I can’t decide if the OP is nuts, or, she would still be fun to meet for a drink. My mind wonders...

[Anonymous]

Man here. Would be great to pair this thread with one of the "DC Urban Dad's" threads about how our controlling, petty, anxious, and nag-filled wives are ruining our lives. I can and do remember the important stuff. I will not attempt to remember your BS preferences - DS needs to eat this and only this, you need to fold the laundry this way, buy the pink napkins not the white ones, blah blah blah. Please read the "stop caring" thread, and do your best to calm down and just let your husband do things just as well as you are - just not your way. This will result in much less drama, complaining, nit picking, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:my sister is married to a guy just like this. None of us can figure out why. He is nice. But she also really likes to be in control. She basically treats him like another child in the house. She doesn't even bother to tell him anything about the kids, the house etc. This works for them because she is a SAHM though. You guys are poorly matched. He won't change unless he starts medicating. He may also just be lazy and dumb.

I don't think these people are as poorly matched as they seem.

I am a man, I have my shit together, I am not ADHD or immature or whatever, but there is also no way would I ever let my wife treat me the way we know OP treats her husband. Honestly, I'm very traditional and I want to be running the family ship in most ways. My DW doesn't mind and actually I think she prefers it.

You can have control and a hen-pecked emasculated husband or you can find someone with their shit together but then they aren't going to put up with your domineering behaviour and bad attitude. As far as I can tell, OP married the sort of man she deserves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:my sister is married to a guy just like this. None of us can figure out why. He is nice. But she also really likes to be in control. She basically treats him like another child in the house. She doesn't even bother to tell him anything about the kids, the house etc. This works for them because she is a SAHM though. You guys are poorly matched. He won't change unless he starts medicating. He may also just be lazy and dumb.

I don't think these people are as poorly matched as they seem.

I am a man, I have my shit together, I am not ADHD or immature or whatever, but there is also no way would I ever let my wife treat me the way we know OP treats her husband. Honestly, I'm very traditional and I want to be running the family ship in most ways. My DW doesn't mind and actually I think she prefers it.

You can have control and a hen-pecked emasculated husband or you can find someone with their shit together but then they aren't going to put up with your domineering behaviour and bad attitude. As far as I can tell, OP married the sort of man she deserves.

+1

I don't expect the DCUM harpies to understand this, as all they look for is money. Don't they think men know this - do they really think all men are that stupid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:my sister is married to a guy just like this. None of us can figure out why. He is nice. But she also really likes to be in control. She basically treats him like another child in the house. She doesn't even bother to tell him anything about the kids, the house etc. This works for them because she is a SAHM though. You guys are poorly matched. He won't change unless he starts medicating. He may also just be lazy and dumb.

I don't think these people are as poorly matched as they seem.

I am a man, I have my shit together, I am not ADHD or immature or whatever, but there is also no way would I ever let my wife treat me the way we know OP treats her husband. Honestly, I'm very traditional and I want to be running the family ship in most ways. My DW doesn't mind and actually I think she prefers it.

You can have control and a hen-pecked emasculated husband or you can find someone with their shit together but then they aren't going to put up with your domineering behaviour and bad attitude. As far as I can tell, OP married the sort of man she deserves.

If OP's husband had her shit together, she possibly wouldn't have to be that angry...I mean, wouldn't you be angry if you discovered kids weren't fed?