My husband is very stupid

[Anonymous]

I don’t believe there are zero signs of this before marriage. Did he plan and execute the wedding with you? Manage his own finances properly and do the paperwork needed to merge yours? Find a home to rent or buy, and help negotiate the details? Plan and execute trips and maintain family/friend relationships? If yes to all these, then ok I’d be as baffled as you. But I find it hard to believe that someone goes from competent, responsible adult to utter man child in a few years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So he is not stupid, sounds like he has ADHD. Sounds like you need to have some compassion and help him develop some better coping skills.

OP here. Right, and while I’m helping him and doing everything solo, who is helping me? Or is compassion a one-way street? I know I should be grateful for to further martyr myself here, but I resent all of this very much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

The suggestions in this thread are killing what little hope I have. They all boil down to re-raising this man-child and sending him to therapy/treatment while I continue to slave, in the hopes he may be remotely useful one day. And that is even assuming I can convince him he needs help. All of this is a huge ask and not feasible in our current lives.

I know the “right” thing to say here is that I am going to spend what little free time I have helping him get better, but I can’t do this. I cannot parent this helpless adult. I have carried him for almost a decade now and am out of patience and love. I am angry and tired and wish I had never met him. It is simply not fair to ask women (who would ask this of a man?) to take on so much.

I have about 5 years to go until DD is old enough to take care of herself in a shared custody scenario. In the meantime, I am ready to give up on him and cheat to get by.

Therapy does not work well for ADHD unless in conjunction with medication, studies have shown this. ADHD is a brain disease in the sense that there aren't enough neurotransmitters for self-regulation in the frontal lobe. You need actual medication (that is a controlled substance because it can be misused).

And, in most cases, meds work absolute wonders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

The suggestions in this thread are killing what little hope I have. They all boil down to re-raising this man-child and sending him to therapy/treatment while I continue to slave, in the hopes he may be remotely useful one day. And that is even assuming I can convince him he needs help. All of this is a huge ask and not feasible in our current lives.

I know the “right” thing to say here is that I am going to spend what little free time I have helping him get better, but I can’t do this. I cannot parent this helpless adult. I have carried him for almost a decade now and am out of patience and love. I am angry and tired and wish I had never met him. It is simply not fair to ask women (who would ask this of a man?) to take on so much.

I have about 5 years to go until DD is old enough to take care of herself in a shared custody scenario. In the meantime, I am ready to give up on him and cheat to get by.

OP, THE ONLY THING YOU NEED CAN DO AT THE MOMENT IS, don't have another baby with HIM!
Wait and see if things get better when your child is older, but repeat, DO NOT HAVE another baby...get help for yourself and make your life easier for yourself, you are over tried, you need rest!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

The suggestions in this thread are killing what little hope I have. They all boil down to re-raising this man-child and sending him to therapy/treatment while I continue to slave, in the hopes he may be remotely useful one day. And that is even assuming I can convince him he needs help. All of this is a huge ask and not feasible in our current lives.

I know the “right” thing to say here is that I am going to spend what little free time I have helping him get better, but I can’t do this. I cannot parent this helpless adult. I have carried him for almost a decade now and am out of patience and love. I am angry and tired and wish I had never met him. It is simply not fair to ask women (who would ask this of a man?) to take on so much.

I have about 5 years to go until DD is old enough to take care of herself in a shared custody scenario. In the meantime, I am ready to give up on him and cheat to get by.

No no no. Women on here go insane with the division of duties. Even if they are not responsible for a task, they are always mentally in charge, planning appts, vacations, signing up for camps, basically carrying all the mental burden and more t han half the chores. Remember the thing about who clips your kid's nails? So no you dont have to take care of him too. I cant believe thats what the outraged to be mentally on all the time women on here are suggesting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

The suggestions in this thread are killing what little hope I have. They all boil down to re-raising this man-child and sending him to therapy/treatment while I continue to slave, in the hopes he may be remotely useful one day. And that is even assuming I can convince him he needs help. All of this is a huge ask and not feasible in our current lives.

I know the “right” thing to say here is that I am going to spend what little free time I have helping him get better, but I can’t do this. I cannot parent this helpless adult. I have carried him for almost a decade now and am out of patience and love. I am angry and tired and wish I had never met him. It is simply not fair to ask women (who would ask this of a man?) to take on so much.

I have about 5 years to go until DD is old enough to take care of herself in a shared custody scenario. In the meantime, I am ready to give up on him and cheat to get by.

OP, THE ONLY THING YOU NEED CAN DO AT THE MOMENT IS, don't have another baby with HIM!
Wait and see if things get better when your child is older, but repeat, DO NOT HAVE another baby...get help for yourself and make your life easier for yourself, you are over tried, you need rest!

OP here. Thank you. There is not a chance in hell I am having another child with him and restarting the clock on all this misery. I find myself wishing we didn’t even have the one child. She was an oopsie and I love her, but if not for her, I would be long gone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

The suggestions in this thread are killing what little hope I have. They all boil down to re-raising this man-child and sending him to therapy/treatment while I continue to slave, in the hopes he may be remotely useful one day. And that is even assuming I can convince him he needs help. All of this is a huge ask and not feasible in our current lives.

I know the “right” thing to say here is that I am going to spend what little free time I have helping him get better, but I can’t do this. I cannot parent this helpless adult. I have carried him for almost a decade now and am out of patience and love. I am angry and tired and wish I had never met him. It is simply not fair to ask women (who would ask this of a man?) to take on so much.

I have about 5 years to go until DD is old enough to take care of herself in a shared custody scenario. In the meantime, I am ready to give up on him and cheat to get by.

OP, THE ONLY THING YOU NEED CAN DO AT THE MOMENT IS, don't have another baby with HIM!
Wait and see if things get better when your child is older, but repeat, DO NOT HAVE another baby...get help for yourself and make your life easier for yourself, you are over tried, you need rest!

OP here. Thank you. There is not a chance in hell I am having another child with him and restarting the clock on all this misery. I find myself wishing we didn’t even have the one child. She was an oopsie and I love her, but if not for her, I would be long gone.

OP, have you tried counseling yet? Have you talked to him? You just seem really ready to throw in the towel and want to vent, which I understand, but is there really nothing in your marriage worth salvaging?

[Anonymous]

Can you hire a nanny who also cleans? That way, at least, your child and some of hh responsibilities would be taken care of.

It sucks that you have pay someone to do what your husband, as an adult, should be able to do but it would take some weight off your shoulders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, it felt good to get that off my chest. I am ashamed to confide in people what an idiot I married. Having said that, I guess my question is whether it is wrong to break up my daughter’s family over this.

I am like a single parent of one child and one half-wit adult. The stress of it all is killing me.

This is textbook ADHD inattentive. Or dementia.
Snoop around if his father or siblings have it, then decide if he would be willing to get tested and ultimately do a combo of therapy plus medals
Divorce rate is indeed high for ADHD inattentive.
Keep your sanity and your sense of self.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you marry him?

Because of the ol’ biological clock, I’m guessing.

OP here. What a stupid thing to say. We have another genius here. Try reading the thread and learning about how serious deficits can be well hidden in youth due to the relative lack of stressors.

You are out of control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

The suggestions in this thread are killing what little hope I have. They all boil down to re-raising this man-child and sending him to therapy/treatment while I continue to slave, in the hopes he may be remotely useful one day. And that is even assuming I can convince him he needs help. All of this is a huge ask and not feasible in our current lives.

I know the “right” thing to say here is that I am going to spend what little free time I have helping him get better, but I can’t do this. I cannot parent this helpless adult. I have carried him for almost a decade now and am out of patience and love. I am angry and tired and wish I had never met him. It is simply not fair to ask women (who would ask this of a man?) to take on so much.

I have about 5 years to go until DD is old enough to take care of herself in a shared custody scenario. In the meantime, I am ready to give up on him and cheat to get by.

OP, THE ONLY THING YOU NEED CAN DO AT THE MOMENT IS, don't have another baby with HIM!
Wait and see if things get better when your child is older, but repeat, DO NOT HAVE another baby...get help for yourself and make your life easier for yourself, you are over tried, you need rest!

OP here. Thank you. There is not a chance in hell I am having another child with him and restarting the clock on all this misery. I find myself wishing we didn’t even have the one child. She was an oopsie and I love her, but if not for her, I would be long gone.

Please do him a fovir and leave.

[Anonymous]

Do the man a favor and let him go. He will blossom once he has his freedom back and does not have to endure your taunting ridicule. Set him free!!!

[Anonymous]

LOL you married him and had his child. I'd say that makes you much more stupid than him.

[Anonymous]

If you carried him for a decade, you saw signs of this before the child. Don't come on here with your sanctimonious BS and think we cannot see through your farce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:LOL you married him and had his child. I'd say that makes you much more stupid than him.

OP here. You are not wrong. I curse myself every day for those two errors.