Is it OK to tell DD that it is OK not to be pretty?
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Anonymous
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https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/jun/25/four-reasons-not-to-tell-your-daughter-shes-pretty
"You’re so pretty!” All parents of daughters make such throwaway comments at some point. It seems innocent enough but statements like this can have a devastating effect on a girl in the long run. But why? It may seem obvious, but is easily forgotten, that teaching girls that appearance is the first thing we notice about them gives them the powerful message that looks are their most important quality. We don’t feel the need to tell our sons how handsome they are or how much we like their clothes, yet the unconscious biases we carry around means that we say things to daughters that we wouldn’t dream of saying to sons." Versus http://time.com/collection-post/4105611/parenting-compliments/ In this heyday of helicopter parenting, the way parents compliment their kids is under attack. We’re not supposed to praise their intelligence: “When we praise kids for being smart, those kids think: Oh good, I’m smart,“ writes James Hamblin at the Atlantic. “And then later, when those kids mess up, which they will, they think: Oh no, I’m not smart after all.” Nor are we supposed to acknowledge their looks: “Knowing what we do now about young girls and self-esteem — that body image issues start as early as preschool, that girls who feel good about themselves are more likely to wait longer to experiment with sex and alcohol — compliments become more problematic,” writes Sarah Powers at the Washington Post. Can’t we say anything anymore? Millennial parents (I am one) sometimes fancy themselves mad scientists engineering Franken-babies: Never call them smart so they’ll be deeply analytic problem-solvers; never call them beautiful so the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show won’t one day make them feel terrible about themselves. While you’re at it, fill them exclusively with breast milk so they’ll crush the SATs; feed them organic veggies only so they’ll never, ever contract coxsackie from the playground. Overthinking, overparenting, overdoing it has become the new normal, with little gray area. No cupcakes—they’re unhealthy and potentially deadly for those with allergies. (In the 80’s, allergies were announced and accommodated, and somehow cupcakes persisted). No Barbies—they’re bad for body image. No pink—it encourages gender stereotypes. And no Disney princesses, God no—they’re obviously anti-feminist. .... Being called beautiful is one of many compliments that seems to register as love to her. To suggest to toddlers and children that it’s loaded with potentially damaging societal subtext, could tarnish their budding body image and potentially lead to eating disorders in adolescence (especially if it’s doled out in moderation) feels like projection to me." |
Anonymous
So I guess when your daughter gets ready for a school dance, and comes down nervously to have her picture taken, you'll barely look at her and simply say, "It's ok honey. You may not be pretty, but wow was that a great report card!" Newsflash: all kids, from the homeliest to the most beautiful, want to be told they are pretty/beautiful/gorgeous/handsome. Of course it's not the most important thing, but to a kid, it certainly can be. Why on earth wouldn't you tell them that? |
Anonymous
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Have you heard the Ani Difranco song, I am not a pretty girl?
I intend to play it for my daughter when she’s older. |
Anonymous
NP here. There’s a lot of great points in this post. Thanks for sharing your perspective! Interesting to hear men also get the „invisible“ treatment when they slip on the atteactiveness scale. |
Anonymous
| I tell my kids they are beautiful. But that I would hate it if they thought that their appearance was the most important thing about them. And that when I look at them, I see pretty. But more importantly, I see smart, determined, kind, etc. |
Anonymous
Is this a serious question? In today's culture, encouraging one's daughter to be pretty is tantamount to psychological abuse. |
Anonymous
Which is why I will always tell my daughter she is pretty (and smart, etc). Screw "today's culture." |
Anonymous
Do you tell her she is a math genius even when she's getting a C? |
Anonymous
DP here. You can’t possibly be equating the two. If a child isn’t good at math, you still reassure him or her that they’re smart (maybe you don’t, but I certainly do), while at the same time helping them with math and/or getting a tutor. If a child isn’t pretty, you don’t tell them that unless you’re truly a cruel person. You tell them they’re beautiful and help them look as good as they can. That this has to even be explained to you is incredibly sad. |
Anonymous
So you are basically the person who sends your kid who can't sing into an American Idol audition believing they have the voice of an angel. Who is the cruel one now? |
Anonymous
Just so you know, saying it doesn't make it so! |
Anonymous
Wow, that's quite a leap. No, I would never do something like that. At some point, as kids are growing up, they realize their limitations. They certainly don't have to be told.  If I had a child who couldn't sing, he or she would realize that pretty fast due to the reactions of onlookers or an audience. I wouldn't dissuade them from performing, if it was something that brought them joy. I'm reminded of the many talent shows I've sat through at my kids' schools, where kid after kid stands on stage in front of the whole student body and their families and belts out some horrendous rendition of a popular song. While I'm sure everyone is cringing, that child also gets a huge round of applause at the end. I could never have been that brave, but I admire the kids who are.
My daughter used to take dance classes. She was a horrible dancer. I never had to tell her that; she could look around her and see how much better the other girls were. She came to her own conclusion that maybe dancing wasn't for her, and I said that was fine. She now does something else that she's really good at. Kids aren't stupid - they can figure it out on their own without being told they suck. Or that they're ugly. |
Anonymous
Of course not. Are you people really this literal? Did your parents tell you you were ugly as a child? If so, you have my sympathies. |
Anonymous
NP. When I look around at a crowd and my child is in the crowd, I pick her out and my heart says she is the most gorgeous one there. My head knows this can’t be true objectively but who cares? |
Anonymous
This has probably been said by now but this approach has the danger of running roughshod over her feelings and encouraging her to be quiet without resolving anything. I'd listen to her first, as in reflective listening like "Sounds like you feel pretty bad about this." Then let her talk for a bit so she knows that it's okay to tell her mom she feels crappy about this and that mom doesn't have to be protected from the kid's crappy feelings. Then you maybe you can talk about the way you've handled it and help her see a different perspective. But let her talk through the feelings with you first. BTW I say this as someone who wasn't particularly beautiful when they were young but who is having a fabulous time now. There are all these posts on DCUM from people who feel invisible as they grow older because they're used to looking young and beautiful. I don't suffer from that at all because I never had it. I wish I could bottle this and give it to every insecure teenager - or go back in time and give it to myself! But here's the thing. Acknowledge her feelings first. Make sure she doesn't feel like she has to make mom feel better. |