Is it OK to tell DD that it is OK not to be pretty?
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Anonymous
Anonymous
| Good grief, op. Please don’t have that conversation with her. I recently saw an interview with Donald Sutherland. He was sobbing as he told a story about asking his mom if he was attractive. She told him that his “face has character.” He was very hurt and clearly still is. Your daughter might already think she is unattractive. She does NOT need you to confirm it! You can find ways to show her that looks aren’t important without telling her she’s ugly! |
Anonymous
OP I don’t know how old your daughter is, but things could certainly change with her looks. I was not a cute kid from about K-6th grade. People sometimes called me ugly to my face. But something changed by 7th grade and I became much more attractive. I even ended up doing some modeling. I am now in my 40s and still considered to be attractive. I can’t even imagine what it would have done to me if my own mom had told me, or implied, that I was unattractive. |
Anonymous
This. I actually am beautiful but my mom used to tell me as a child that I wasn’t. She explained to me later that she didn’t want me to focus on looks but on smarts. And she didn’t want me to have a big ego. This resulted me in being smart, though nerdy, and have low self esteem growing up that took me awhile to work through. I love my mom but I also hate her and have not talked to her for over 10 years. This wasn’t the only reason of course but certainly contributed to the fact we don’t have a relationship. |
Anonymous
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I love my kids' faces. Does that mean they're handsome? And who cares?
I would acknowledge that our society values a certain sort of physical appearance and that it can be fun to do things that affect our looks, either to meet that standard (nice haircut) or to jab at it (bright pink hair). But ultimately, it's not an interesting question: https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&ved=0ahUKEwjzuJq0lfHZAhXlSt8KHX7NDLAQtwIIJzAA&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DM6wJl37N9C0&usg=AOvVaw36RE3RyZRKeA9Bz7uVgEKa |
Anonymous
I'm a man, and I have sons, so I can't give you specific advice based on experience, but I think the above is really smart. This is based on the fact that for most of my life, I've been told that I was handsome. I don't have a lot of self confidence, so I never really believed it. I realize now, though, that I was tall and fit, and for my work I had to dress pretty nicely, and that's probably what they meant. For a couple of years I went through a period of being out of shape and caring less about my clothes, and I recently realized that I had become kind of invisible to most people. Now I'm spending a lot of time in the gym and paying more attention to my clothes and hair, and I really notice that people are much friendlier. So I think anyone can put in the time and effort to learn how to be attractive, and I think many people that the media presents as super attractive would be unrecognizable without the clothes and makeup. I would not tell your daughter that she's not pretty, but rather that it's a question of how much time she wants to invest in her appearance, and is that a priority for her? I might talk with her about how she wants to invest her time in order to be happy and healthy, and likely spending tons of time on fashion and makeup are not good investments if she's not really into them. However, being fit, active and confident are good for physical and mental health (so intrinsically rewarding), and they have a side benefit of being things that people find attractive. Also, some parents seem much better than others at helping their kids find becoming clothes, hairstyles, glasses, etc. I have a sister who was really unattractive as young teen because my mom basically dressed her like the church lady from SNL. When she got old enough to pick her own clothes and hairstyle, suddenly she was much better looking. If this is not a strong suit for you, OP (it's certainly not for me), maybe you could get some advice from a kind friend who is more into this stuff. Not that your daughter would ever know, but you could just suggest more becoming stuff next time you shop. |
Anonymous
| Jesus, the reason everyone says you MUST say your kids are beautiful is because we are conflating beauty with worth. Everyone is worthy, but not everyone is beautiful. Unattractive people know that they are. You aren't fooling them and you aren't helping them you are only further supporting the idea that for a woman being beautiful is the most important thing. |
Anonymous
This! Have you noticed how when someone posts a picture of their daughter saying "Larla at the band concert" everyone says "Oh she's so beautiful" and when they post a photo of their son "Larlo at his band concert" people say "How accomplished! He's so talented" with only a few "So handsome's" scattered about? |
Anonymous
Exactly. |
Anonymous
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https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/48985/phenomenal-woman
Pretty women wonder where my secret lies. I’m not cute or built to suit a fashion model’s size But when I start to tell them, They think I’m telling lies. I say, It’s in the reach of my arms, The span of my hips, The stride of my step, The curl of my lips. I’m a woman Phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, That’s me. |
Anonymous
Not at all. You have completely missed the point - which is that you tell your kids they are beautiful regardless of what an objective bystander might think. You let them know from day one that they are beautiful, special, smart, talented, etc. Because to you, the parent, they are. And they need to internalize that, because eventually they'll be old enough to realize not all of those things are true. But they'll know that at least their parents truly believed it. You seem very, very literal. To the detriment of your own children's feelings. |
Anonymous
This. Who on earth would say this to their child? |
Anonymous
+100 I read about that interview. How can a parent not understand the damage s/he does by not telling their own children how beautiful/handsome they are? |
Anonymous
I have boys and girls. I would never in a million years tell any of them that they are anything less than beautiful and handsome. Period. Whether they are or aren't is really beside the point. That some of you don't understand something so basic is chilling. |
Anonymous
No, I haven't noticed this at all. I see people saying both things about both boys and girls - that they're both handsome or beautiful AND so accomplished and talented. It is possible to be both. And calling someone "beautiful" even if they're not is a kindness that is appreciated by any parent of an unattractive or average looking child. Every child wants to be thought of as beautiful, even when they know deep down they're not. Maybe especially then, in fact. |