Is it OK to tell DD that it is OK not to be pretty?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For what it is worth, I always hated hearing "of course you are". I was a nice enough looking kid and young woman. I certainly didn't have boys falling for me all the time.

That "of course you are" is a cnversation stopper. But if your daughter is bringing it up, she is looking for a real conversation of some sort.

What would you have preferred to hear?

[Anonymous]

Do not tell her anything other than that she is beautiful unless you want her to spend thousands on therapy and end up hating you for a lifetime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is a show don't tell situation. If my mom had had a "you don't need to be pretty to be successful" conversation with me, I definitely would have assumed that her subtext was that I was hideously ugly. However, I think you can model and highlight that women are smart, interesting, and powerful and downplay a focus on looks.

This. Show her that you are confident and love yourself the way you are. Show her that looks are not the most important thing about a person. If you tell her "it's ok not to be pretty" what she will hear is "you aren't pretty." Do not put that thought into her head. It will be devastating.

I will agree with this. With the #1 key being to NOT discuss looks of ANYONE. This means very few comments about others beauty or lack there of. My mother did this, and I honestly still remember the one time in high school she slipped up and mentioned how one of my friends was just a real classic beauty. I remember it because we did NOT discuss other's looks at all. I still thought about my own looks an incredible amount and I was a pretty grounded, happy teenager with an all around good self image and wonderful friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As the average looking sibling of an above average looking sibling, don’t do it!

My mother always said things to me like, “you’re not beautiful, but you are so, so smart.” To my gorgeous sibling she’d say things like “it’s ok you got a D, that face will save you!” We both ended up in therapy from her.

What helped me is when my therapist described beauty as a concept with examples. However, she did say that parents should never comment on a child’s appearance, not even weight; weight comments should be reserved for coming from health providers only.

That's useful. Thanks!

[Anonymous]

Not sure how this translates into parenting advice, but as a woman now in my early 50s, I am very glad that I got the message early on not to rely on my looks.

[Anonymous]

12 is a time when lots of people aren’t pretty. Show her pictures of actresses at age 12-16 And show her them today. Watch make up tutorials on YouTube and have her recognize how much can be faked.

1. Girls who are pretty at 12 might not always be pretty
2. Many many women come into their own in their 20s - it’s about settling into your adult face, developing a personal style and learning what works for you.
3. Being beautiful can be helpful in some ways but difficult in others - people don’t take you seriously, people don’t like you for non-superficial reasons. Being attractive, polished, poised etc. goes a long way.

[Anonymous]

"We are all made in the image of God"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you had a son, it would be easy to say that accumulating wealth and job success will be all that is needed. That’s hardly the case for most women, though.

Fathers have th "motion in the ocean" talk with their sons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have always told my daughter she's beautiful, and I always will. I would never, ever tell a child she (or he) wasn't beautiful in every way. Whether or not that child was average, unattractive, or truly exquisite.

Of course, we tell our kids they're smart, kind, funny, interesting, etc. But for a child to think their parents don't find them beautiful is soul-crushing. That's just the way it is.

My mom put it this way: if you tell a child, especially a girl, that she's pretty and looks wonderful, then she can put that worry out of her mind and concentrate on the important stuff, like school. I think this is absolutely true. When my daughter feels pretty and looks the way she wants to look, I find she's much more able to forget about it, stop worrying, and get on with other things. Whereas if she was constantly seeking approval and feeling insecure about her looks, she'd always be focused on that and not her classes, hobbies, etc.

I remember when I was first getting to know my MIL. I like her a lot and get along with her great, but noticed that she never gives out compliments. Even on our wedding day, she never told me I looked beautiful. And she and my FIL have never told our daughter that she's pretty. I've finally come to terms with the fact that they just don't do that - they're very kind in all ways, but they aren't particularly demonstrative. I think if I had grown up with them as my parents, I would feel very insecure, not knowing if I was attractive or not. Let's face it, all children, girls especially, want to be pretty/handsome. No one wants to think they're ugly.

My mom has always told me I was beautiful, and consequently, I always felt very secure in that department. It's simply a loving thing to do.

Exactly this. I look at my 12 year old daughter when I pick her up from school, sun coming through the windshield, I think of the moment I first saw her, and she looks so beautiful to me I could cry. And then, I tell her that.

[Anonymous]

I think I agree with affirming that she is beautiful, but then ask her why she thinks otherwise? Perhaps it's something simple that can be addressed or that you can assure her is temporary. I thought my hair was ugly in middle school, so my mom took me to a real stylist (instead of the cheapo Hair Cuttery-type place) and got me a good cut and some highlights. It did a lot for my struggling 8th grade confidence. I also remember being distraught that I was completely flat chested and everyone else had these curvy figures. My mom reminded me that everyone develops at different rates - I was a late bloomer and had to be assured that my day would come.

[Anonymous]

Just tell her that she is beautiful both on the outside and more importantly on the inside. That is what I tell my girls when they ask. I usually follow up with how important it is to be kind, a hard worker, etc. I think this statement reaffirms the need to feel that their parents think they are attractive, but also allows me to reinforce the personal values that DH and I feel are more important than just physical appearance

[Anonymous]

No matter what your natural looks may be, anyone -- and I mean anyone -- can look good if he/she puts effort into it.

No one has to "accept" that he/she is of average looks. Instead, take matters into your own hands and look good --

- Eat right and exercise so that you are slim
- Put time and effort into your hair
- Once old enough to wear make-up, invest in good make-up and apply it nicely
- Have good posture and appear confident
- Have a good personality

Now that I am in my 40's, I can see that the natural good looks of the teenage years do not matter that much anymore. Instead, those who look good at this age are those who put the time and effort into their appearance to look their personal best.

[Anonymous]

Compliment all sorts of parts of her equally often

[Anonymous]

I would start a conversation by asking her what she thinks is beautiful. If it turns out that she thinks that you need to be a certain race, height, weight, etc--which she probably will--you can use that as the basis for a conversation about why she thinks that, given how very, very few people in the world actually look that way. You can also point out how our history and media have influenced what we think of as beauty; and that beauty at different times and in different cultures meant totally different things. Beauty is totally subjective; your daughter is gorgeous to some, whereas her BFF is gorgeous to someone else.

Also, beauty fades, dumb is forever -- for laughs, but true!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure how this translates into parenting advice, but as a woman now in my early 50s, I am very glad that I got the message early on not to rely on my looks.

Yep, if you have talents and skills, you'll have a whole lot leftover to be proud of once your beauty starts to fade.