Is it OK to tell DD that it is OK not to be pretty?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure how this translates into parenting advice, but as a woman now in my early 50s, I am very glad that I got the message early on not to rely on my looks.

Yep, if you have talents and skills, you'll have a whole lot leftover to be proud of once your beauty starts to fade.

I’m sure your daughter will appreciate hearing, “Don’t worry honey! At least you have skills to fall back on!”

DP.. but it's true and something every child needs to learn eventually.

Of course. But you can say that while at the same time affirming that they’re pretty. If you had a child who wasn’t very bright, would you honestly tell them that? Every child eventually grows up and learns how the rest of the world perceives them, whether they’re incredibly smart, beautiful, and talented, or none of the above. They certainly don’t need to hear that from their parents.

[Anonymous]

Tell her she is lovely and amazing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just don't understand how any of you guys can think your kids are not beautiful. I look at my kids and I know they are absolutely gorgeous. They bring a smile to my face every day; how could I find that not beautiful? I'm sure it's not objective (it's not supposed to be), but I thought everyone felt this way about their kids.

+100
Who are these people who think they’re somehow doing their kids a favor by implying or actually stating that they’re not attractive? I can’t imagine growing up knowing that my own parents didn’t think I was beautiful. This is a very sad thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure how this translates into parenting advice, but as a woman now in my early 50s, I am very glad that I got the message early on not to rely on my looks.

Yep, if you have talents and skills, you'll have a whole lot leftover to be proud of once your beauty starts to fade.

I’m sure your daughter will appreciate hearing, “Don’t worry honey! At least you have skills to fall back on!”

DP.. but it's true and something every child needs to learn eventually.

And so you don’t think your child can eventually figure that out on her own, without Mom or Dad having to give her a dose of reality?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know this is trite, but I would say something like..

You know how your favorite color is green and someone else's favorite color is blue, well, everyone has a different opinion about what is their favorite, or what is "pretty", or what their favorite ice cream flavor is. Some people like blue eyes, other green eyes; some people like blonde hair, others black hair. So, you are beautiful, maybe not to everyone, but you are to me, and there will be others who will think you are beautiful, too.

As you get older, your beauty fades. The only beauty that will last is the beauty on the inside. And for many, a beautiful person on the inside makes the person look beautiful on the outside too. It's like a light shining from the inside out. This is the only real beauty that will last a lifetime.

I know.. trite, but this is how I explained it to my 8 yr old DD.

Oh dear God. Just tell her of course she is! This is not hard, people!

I will not lie to my child about her looks or her abilities, but I did tell her that to me she is beautiful.

That obviously means she is not beautiful. Your child is not dumb.

Actually, I think she is, and others have told me, too, but some mean kids have told her she is ugly just to be mean, plus I know that someone will eventually think she is not so beautiful, and that's fine, but she will need to know how to deal with it. I also want them to look past other people's look, too. Indeed, my child is not dumb, and I don't want her to be vain either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure how this translates into parenting advice, but as a woman now in my early 50s, I am very glad that I got the message early on not to rely on my looks.

Yep, if you have talents and skills, you'll have a whole lot leftover to be proud of once your beauty starts to fade.

I’m sure your daughter will appreciate hearing, “Don’t worry honey! At least you have skills to fall back on!”

DP.. but it's true and something every child needs to learn eventually.

And so you don’t think your child can eventually figure that out on her own, without Mom or Dad having to give her a dose of reality?

what is your problem? Sure, my child will eventually learn pretty much most things on her own, but as a parent, I want to make sure she learns certain things from me. It's also a way to help build their confidence early on. I'm sorry, but you sound like a terrible parent to just dismiss this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure how this translates into parenting advice, but as a woman now in my early 50s, I am very glad that I got the message early on not to rely on my looks.

I posted this yesterday. Here's how I think it translates into parenting. You tell your child she is beautiful because she is, because we all are. I routinely tell both of my children (15 year old girl and 17 year old boy) that they are beautiful/handsome. But in every other way that you interact with your child, and in the way you live your own life, you show them that physical beauty is not what matters to you, and not what they should care about (or care about unduly).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure how this translates into parenting advice, but as a woman now in my early 50s, I am very glad that I got the message early on not to rely on my looks.

Yep, if you have talents and skills, you'll have a whole lot leftover to be proud of once your beauty starts to fade.

I’m sure your daughter will appreciate hearing, “Don’t worry honey! At least you have skills to fall back on!”

DP.. but it's true and something every child needs to learn eventually.

And so you don’t think your child can eventually figure that out on her own, without Mom or Dad having to give her a dose of reality?

what is your problem? Sure, my child will eventually learn pretty much most things on her own, but as a parent, I want to make sure she learns certain things from me. It's also a way to help build their confidence early on. I'm sorry, but you sound like a terrible parent to just dismiss this.

DP here, but wow. You're accusing the PP of being a "terrible parent," when it's you who is dismissing the importance of telling your children they're beautiful (and smart, etc.)? Hmm. Might want to think about that one for a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just don't understand how any of you guys can think your kids are not beautiful. I look at my kids and I know they are absolutely gorgeous. They bring a smile to my face every day; how could I find that not beautiful? I'm sure it's not objective (it's not supposed to be), but I thought everyone felt this way about their kids.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just don't understand how any of you guys can think your kids are not beautiful. I look at my kids and I know they are absolutely gorgeous. They bring a smile to my face every day; how could I find that not beautiful? I'm sure it's not objective (it's not supposed to be), but I thought everyone felt this way about their kids.

+100
Who are these people who think they’re somehow doing their kids a favor by implying or actually stating that they’re not attractive? I can’t imagine growing up knowing that my own parents didn’t think I was beautiful. This is a very sad thread.

+200

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just don't understand how any of you guys can think your kids are not beautiful. I look at my kids and I know they are absolutely gorgeous. They bring a smile to my face every day; how could I find that not beautiful? I'm sure it's not objective (it's not supposed to be), but I thought everyone felt this way about their kids.

+100
Who are these people who think they’re somehow doing their kids a favor by implying or actually stating that they’re not attractive? I can’t imagine growing up knowing that my own parents didn’t think I was beautiful. This is a very sad thread.

+200

So when you look around at a crowd, all you see are beautiful people? No one looks average? And average people cannot admit that they look average and be proud of it, because it is heresy to our cultural idolatry of beauty?

[Anonymous]

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/soloish/wp/2016/08/17/this-is-what-online-dating-is-like-when-youre-not-gorgeous-or-ugly-but-average/?utm_term=.4d69706bd36b

"Several of my “classically attractive” friends are pissed. Society tells them they’re beautiful and they’re mad at Tinder and OkCupid for not providing better prospects. They’re also mad at me. I’m the average-looking sidekick, “the one who online dates,” and it’s my fault they aren’t having a better time.

“You have no idea what it’s like to be called beautiful all the time,” a good friend once remarked. “It’s like your biggest accomplishment is something you didn’t do yourself.”

She wasn’t being rude; I’m not beautiful in the traditional sense. I have pock-marked skin, hooded eyes, and a bulbous nose. My voice is deep, which apparently makes me less desirable to men. My eye color isn’t interesting, and my hair is always feral. I’m not ugly, but I don’t have much beauty privilege (and make no mistake, beauty privilege yields tangible rewards). From grade-school dances in gyms to corporate happy hours, I’ve been “swiped left” on more than my fair share."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/soloish/wp/2016/08/17/this-is-what-online-dating-is-like-when-youre-not-gorgeous-or-ugly-but-average/?utm_term=.4d69706bd36b

"Several of my “classically attractive” friends are pissed. Society tells them they’re beautiful and they’re mad at Tinder and OkCupid for not providing better prospects. They’re also mad at me. I’m the average-looking sidekick, “the one who online dates,” and it’s my fault they aren’t having a better time.

“You have no idea what it’s like to be called beautiful all the time,” a good friend once remarked. “It’s like your biggest accomplishment is something you didn’t do yourself.”

She wasn’t being rude; I’m not beautiful in the traditional sense. I have pock-marked skin, hooded eyes, and a bulbous nose. My voice is deep, which apparently makes me less desirable to men. My eye color isn’t interesting, and my hair is always feral. I’m not ugly, but I don’t have much beauty privilege (and make no mistake, beauty privilege yields tangible rewards). From grade-school dances in gyms to corporate happy hours, I’ve been “swiped left” on more than my fair share."

I think the author as some issues regarding race/shade and self love. Incorporation of racist standards of beauty.

[Anonymous]

Dating apps for average people: https://www.popsugar.com/love/Dating-Site-Unattractive-People-10519952

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just don't understand how any of you guys can think your kids are not beautiful. I look at my kids and I know they are absolutely gorgeous. They bring a smile to my face every day; how could I find that not beautiful? I'm sure it's not objective (it's not supposed to be), but I thought everyone felt this way about their kids.

+100
Who are these people who think they’re somehow doing their kids a favor by implying or actually stating that they’re not attractive? I can’t imagine growing up knowing that my own parents didn’t think I was beautiful. This is a very sad thread.

+200

Same. There are so many different kinds of pretty OP, and beauty is in the eye of the beholder. To tell her she is just "not pretty" would be horrible