Is it OK to tell DD that it is OK not to be pretty?
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Anonymous
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So I am average looking and I have a great life and have what I want and need in the world and I have average looking children, is it wrong to have a pep-talk that it is OK not to be beautiful? That DCs can have love, career, and joy without beauty? Along the lines of articles such as these:
https://www.huffingtonpost.com/nathan-biberdorf/not-everyone-is-beautiful_b_5554940.html https://www.xojane.com/issues/you-are-not-beautiful |
Anonymous
| How old is she? Is this a topic that she's introduced in any way? |
Anonymous
Yeah, more context. 12 and complaining that she is not pretty. And the automatic "of course you are" is maybe all that is needed. I had directed the conversation to all her strengths and talents in a way that I think was smooth. And asked why it is coming up (to make sure it is not a result of some experience or conversation), she responds it is just from looking at recent pics of herself. But I am just thinking philosophically, why do we have to be beautiful? And is there some other way of building her up? |
Anonymous
| This is a hard question. Probably not a good idea for a parent to go anywhere near this issue. |
Anonymous
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I'm a mom of one DD that looks like a ballerina/model, and one who does not.
I have to say, that my 15 y.o. ballerina/model type thinks she is not pretty. So I believe that the objective truth, (if there is one) or the collective consensus--whatever---does not matter as much as you think it does. Meaning, whether or not your DD is pretty or not is not the key in dealing with her issue. I think with our culture, girls of all stripes are dealing with the same issue and probably need to be dealt with in a similar way. So what I've done is not really said much about beauty. I really focus on trying (growth mindset...so not achievement, but trying to achieve.) I'd also grab that wonderful book...Untangled. This really helps! |
Anonymous
| Check out beauty redefined.org! |
Anonymous
Thanks. I think you're right. This is not the time or the relationship to get philosophical and this is a time when children are growing, changing, becoming aware/self conscious. I will check out the book. |
Anonymous
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For what it is worth, I always hated hearing "of course you are". I was a nice enough looking kid and young woman. I certainly didn't have boys falling for me all the time.
That "of course you are" is a cnversation stopper. But if your daughter is bringing it up, she is looking for a real conversation of some sort. |
Anonymous
| Everyone is beautiful don’t talk to her about this in the way you are suggesting. I would scarred if my mom said that to me. People change too in their looks- it actually sounds like you value good looks more than you think. Most people don’t think about this this much! |
Anonymous
I disagree, teens think about their looks a great deal. I agree with what you said earlier OP about it not being the time to get philosophical with your daughter. Sometimes a teen just needs assurance that they are attractive, I don't think it's harmful to give that to them and think ignoring that and going straight to "looks don't really matter" could backfire and lead to "wow, even my own mother doesn't think I'm cute!" |
Anonymous
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As the average looking sibling of an above average looking sibling, don’t do it!
My mother always said things to me like, “you’re not beautiful, but you are so, so smart.” To my gorgeous sibling she’d say things like “it’s ok you got a D, that face will save you!” We both ended up in therapy from her. What helped me is when my therapist described beauty as a concept with examples. However, she did say that parents should never comment on a child’s appearance, not even weight; weight comments should be reserved for coming from health providers only. |
Anonymous
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I think that it's important to stress to her that she will need more than her looks to get by in life.
FWIW, youth IS pretty. And it's naive and easily taken for granted, too. A little girl that might not be classically pretty compared to other little girls, is still going to be attractive to some guys. That's about guaranteed. Your daughter needs to invest energy into developing her own talents and skills. Teach her to be kind, considerate and to care. You can take her to get pretty outfits, her nails and hair done - that's fun. |
Anonymous
| No mom should ever tell her kid she isn't pretty. Ever. If pressed, I would just say you can't be objective on this because you can only see her through a mother's eyes, and that to you she will always be lovely, no matter what. But if she is concerned about her looks, life has taught you that people of all ranges of looks can be successful and happy, and that while being attractive is certainly nice, it's not the be all end all. And then be supportive of her to a reasonable degree in helping her dress well and have a nice haircut etc so she feels like she is putting her best foot forward. |
Anonymous
| I think this is a show don't tell situation. If my mom had had a "you don't need to be pretty to be successful" conversation with me, I definitely would have assumed that her subtext was that I was hideously ugly. However, I think you can model and highlight that women are smart, interesting, and powerful and downplay a focus on looks. |
Anonymous
| You will always be stunning to me because I love you so profoundly. If it is important to you to be conventionally pretty, anyone can find the right clothes, hair, makeup, poise, etc. but even for beautiful celebrities that stuff can take an awful lot of time. I hope you invest the short time you have to live your life in things that really bring you joy. |