What are your views on living together before marriage?

[Anonymous]

I strongly believe in it. My mother did too, she'd tell us, "you don't buy shoes on without trying them on first."

Of all the 10 cousins between both sides in our family, only the one who didn't live with his GF before marrying her, ended up divorced.

[Anonymous]

I'm pro-choice on it; I believe in it as a concept and wouldn't judge anyone else for it, but I'm not really into it for myself.

One exception to "wouldn't judge anyone for it": when someone has a history of moving in with new boyfriends or girlfriends after a very short time, without putting much thought into it. Seems like a bad idea. I think it should be something taken pretty seriously, like a precursor to getting engaged, because it's a lot harder to break up with someone when you live with them. So much more of a hassle when one of you (or both) has to find a new place to live and you have to unwind bills and other finances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well you'd never buy a car until you test drove it, would you?

The dealer won't give you the keys without a contract.

not true, but ok grandma

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think people should not move in together if they aren’t sure that they want to marry the other person. It just makes it much harder to end a dead in relationship when you are living together. I know A LOT of people who have continued on in long term relationships just because they live together.

Actually, it is very easy to walk away when you are just living together. The actual process of leaving isn't that much different than moving out of any other incompatible roommate scenario.

You either wait until the lease is up and go your separate ways or you find someone else willing to take on your share of the rent.

A divorce is a much, much more lengthy, complicated and expensive process. So that might make a person stay in an unhappy marriage because leaving is not easy.

People who continue on living together for years and years must be fairly compatible to stick together so long. Just because they haven't made it "official" does not mean that they are not happy together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just curious as it came up in conversation the other day. My rather liberal mother is staunch on one rule in life - never live with someone until you are married. Her reasonings are that classic "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" idiom and that it just makes things 10x more difficult if things go south.

I understand those points of views but think it's a good idea to live with each other before marriage because understanding whether you can live well together is a BIG part of having a successful marriage. I would perhaps open up her rule to "never live with someone until you're engaged (or soon to be engaged)." Or I would say that living together (in a rental situation) before marriage is fine, but you shouldn't buy property together yet.

What are your opinions?

I think living together without getting married for a woman is the worst of both worlds. You get all the duties of married life without its perks. And you get all the annoyances of single life without its joys.

Whether you can live together depends very much on your commitment, more so than on actual compatibility.

Huh? You are presumably splitting rent and utilities 50/50 and you divide the housework, cooking and errands between each other. My boyfriend (now dh) and I both worked fairly long hours at the time and we learned to divide and conquer household tasks early on - together. As a bonus, we didn't have to deal with other roommates and their guests.

Yes, presumably, but you can do all that when you're married. There is nothing very special about it. And you may not have to deal with other roommates and their guests, but you certainly became less free in the choice of your own guests.

It's not about housework even. You are taking on the obligations of a married woman without getting very much for it. The principal perk of single life is freedom, space and no need for monogamy. You lose this when you marry in exchange for commitment. When you live together, you lose all this but don't get the perks of marriage in exchange. That's my view. I think living together is the culmination of the relationship, not the next step. Well, before children, that is. It's a pretty big thing to merge your daily life with someone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not for it. I believe most women who live with a man before marriage are looking to get married. Men often are not on the same page. Also I feel as though women may not want to voice their likes/dislikes because they are afraid to argue less the man will not marry them, so they brush basic things under the rug like that really fun ex he still hangs out with as "friends." Basically the woman is not her full self because she's auditioning for the role of wife to a man who's going along for the ride. Sometimes they marry and sometimes they don't but those issues are still under the rug. Do they come out before or after the divorce.

Umm, no. If you are in a committed, monogamous relationship and your serious boyfriend cheats on you, you can most certainly move out and put an end to that relationship, ASAP. You walk away with everything that you brought to the table - your bank account, your 401K, your investments, your car, your t.v, etc - all still yours.

If your husband cheats on you then you have to go through a divorce, along with a separation, split of marital assets......which is time consuming, expensive and emotionally draining.

Yes but it's a lot more hassle to do this while moving out vs. simply stopping to take his calls if you happen to live separately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People who live together before marriage have a 33 percent greater chance of divorce.

Did your Baptist preacher whip out that statistic for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just curious as it came up in conversation the other day. My rather liberal mother is staunch on one rule in life - never live with someone until you are married. Her reasonings are that classic "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" idiom and that it just makes things 10x more difficult if things go south.

I understand those points of views but think it's a good idea to live with each other before marriage because understanding whether you can live well together is a BIG part of having a successful marriage. I would perhaps open up her rule to "never live with someone until you're engaged (or soon to be engaged)." Or I would say that living together (in a rental situation) before marriage is fine, but you shouldn't buy property together yet.

What are your opinions?

I think living together without getting married for a woman is the worst of both worlds. You get all the duties of married life without its perks. And you get all the annoyances of single life without its joys.

Whether you can live together depends very much on your commitment, more so than on actual compatibility.

Hmm, this was not my experience. What "duties of married life?" My then-boyfriend-now-DH and I had a nice 2 bed condo. We had high income, no kids, and all the time in the world. Holy cow, it was so much better than married life now slaving away with the rug rats!

The principal duty of married life is monogamy, and the principal perk of single life is the freedom to explore other partners. When you live together, you are as good as declaring yourself off limits to other men. In my view, this sort of concession is owed only to husbands. Even if you have a serious boyfriend (living separately), you can meet someone who you think will be a better match, and explore this at least initially before breaking this off. Few men would want to date someone who lives with someone else. I wouldn't want to take myself out of the game without a ring on my finger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not for it. I believe most women who live with a man before marriage are looking to get married. Men often are not on the same page. Also I feel as though women may not want to voice their likes/dislikes because they are afraid to argue less the man will not marry them, so they brush basic things under the rug like that really fun ex he still hangs out with as "friends." Basically the woman is not her full self because she's auditioning for the role of wife to a man who's going along for the ride. Sometimes they marry and sometimes they don't but those issues are still under the rug. Do they come out before or after the divorce.

Umm, no. If you are in a committed, monogamous relationship and your serious boyfriend cheats on you, you can most certainly move out and put an end to that relationship, ASAP. You walk away with everything that you brought to the table - your bank account, your 401K, your investments, your car, your t.v, etc - all still yours.

If your husband cheats on you then you have to go through a divorce, along with a separation, split of marital assets......which is time consuming, expensive and emotionally draining.

Yes but it's a lot more hassle to do this while moving out vs. simply stopping to take his calls if you happen to live separately.

Yes but you aren't just dating anymore by the time you move in with each other. You have taken your relationship to the next level - monogamous, sharing living expenses, celebrating holidays together but usually not bank accounts, car ownership, etc. Marriage involves a financial entanglement that living together does not.

Since a good many marriages fail due to financial disputes, it is not a bad idea to go into a marriage with your eyes wide open.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not for it. I believe most women who live with a man before marriage are looking to get married. Men often are not on the same page. Also I feel as though women may not want to voice their likes/dislikes because they are afraid to argue less the man will not marry them, so they brush basic things under the rug like that really fun ex he still hangs out with as "friends." Basically the woman is not her full self because she's auditioning for the role of wife to a man who's going along for the ride. Sometimes they marry and sometimes they don't but those issues are still under the rug. Do they come out before or after the divorce.

Umm, no. If you are in a committed, monogamous relationship and your serious boyfriend cheats on you, you can most certainly move out and put an end to that relationship, ASAP. You walk away with everything that you brought to the table - your bank account, your 401K, your investments, your car, your t.v, etc - all still yours.

If your husband cheats on you then you have to go through a divorce, along with a separation, split of marital assets......which is time consuming, expensive and emotionally draining.

Yes but it's a lot more hassle to do this while moving out vs. simply stopping to take his calls if you happen to live separately.

Yes but you aren't just dating anymore by the time you move in with each other. You have taken your relationship to the next level - monogamous, sharing living expenses, celebrating holidays together but usually not bank accounts, car ownership, etc. Marriage involves a financial entanglement that living together does not.

Since a good many marriages fail due to financial disputes, it is not a bad idea to go into a marriage with your eyes wide open.

How does that counter what I said? If your boyfriend cheats on you, it's a lot easier to just break off the relationship vs. needing to pack up, give notice, find another place to live etc.

My position is that most issues are resolvable if you are committed to resolving them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just curious as it came up in conversation the other day. My rather liberal mother is staunch on one rule in life - never live with someone until you are married. Her reasonings are that classic "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" idiom and that it just makes things 10x more difficult if things go south.

I understand those points of views but think it's a good idea to live with each other before marriage because understanding whether you can live well together is a BIG part of having a successful marriage. I would perhaps open up her rule to "never live with someone until you're engaged (or soon to be engaged)." Or I would say that living together (in a rental situation) before marriage is fine, but you shouldn't buy property together yet.

What are your opinions?

I think living together without getting married for a woman is the worst of both worlds. You get all the duties of married life without its perks. And you get all the annoyances of single life without its joys.

Whether you can live together depends very much on your commitment, more so than on actual compatibility.

Hmm, this was not my experience. What "duties of married life?" My then-boyfriend-now-DH and I had a nice 2 bed condo. We had high income, no kids, and all the time in the world. Holy cow, it was so much better than married life now slaving away with the rug rats!

The principal duty of married life is monogamy, and the principal perk of single life is the freedom to explore other partners. When you live together, you are as good as declaring yourself off limits to other men. In my view, this sort of concession is owed only to husbands. Even if you have a serious boyfriend (living separately), you can meet someone who you think will be a better match, and explore this at least initially before breaking this off. Few men would want to date someone who lives with someone else. I wouldn't want to take myself out of the game without a ring on my finger.

Seriously? Come on now, you don't have to be engaged or married to have an exclusive relationship with someone. Even HS kids know that.

My live in boyfriend and I absolutely had the expectation that we were monogamous and not seeing other people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't want to do it unless I knew marriage was in the future.

But, I met my now-husband at 21, we then dated long-distance for 3 years and he moved in with me when he came back to DC because the ring was basically a formality by then.

I even had him do the ask my parents thing, but out of respect for my parents since I am an only child and very close to them.

Again, I have no strong feelings on this topic. Do what works for you. I will say that the wedding felt a little anti-climactic after having lived together for about a year before the wedding.

If they had said no, what then? I'm always curious about people who have their boyfriends do this "out of respect" for their parents. Would filial respect trump your wish to marry, if they refused? If not, then isn't asking for their approval really just a sham, an empty gesture?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not for it. I believe most women who live with a man before marriage are looking to get married. Men often are not on the same page. Also I feel as though women may not want to voice their likes/dislikes because they are afraid to argue less the man will not marry them, so they brush basic things under the rug like that really fun ex he still hangs out with as "friends." Basically the woman is not her full self because she's auditioning for the role of wife to a man who's going along for the ride. Sometimes they marry and sometimes they don't but those issues are still under the rug. Do they come out before or after the divorce.

Umm, no. If you are in a committed, monogamous relationship and your serious boyfriend cheats on you, you can most certainly move out and put an end to that relationship, ASAP. You walk away with everything that you brought to the table - your bank account, your 401K, your investments, your car, your t.v, etc - all still yours.

If your husband cheats on you then you have to go through a divorce, along with a separation, split of marital assets......which is time consuming, expensive and emotionally draining.

Yes but it's a lot more hassle to do this while moving out vs. simply stopping to take his calls if you happen to live separately.

Yes but you aren't just dating anymore by the time you move in with each other. You have taken your relationship to the next level - monogamous, sharing living expenses, celebrating holidays together but usually not bank accounts, car ownership, etc. Marriage involves a financial entanglement that living together does not.

Since a good many marriages fail due to financial disputes, it is not a bad idea to go into a marriage with your eyes wide open.

How does that counter what I said? If your boyfriend cheats on you, it's a lot easier to just break off the relationship vs. needing to pack up, give notice, find another place to live etc.

My position is that most issues are resolvable if you are committed to resolving them.

My point was that by the time you move in with your SO, you are romantically exclusive. There is an expectation that you will not be seeing other people and there is the acknowledgement that you will be sharing a place, rental expenses, household duties with your SO. This is the time when you get to enjoy being together w/o being anymore financially entangled than you are with any other roommate. If it doesn't work out, you can leave as easily as you could leave any other incompatible roommate scenario. By the time you marry and start sharing bank accounts you have a pretty darned good idea how responsible someone is, how they handle money, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just curious as it came up in conversation the other day. My rather liberal mother is staunch on one rule in life - never live with someone until you are married. Her reasonings are that classic "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" idiom and that it just makes things 10x more difficult if things go south.

I understand those points of views but think it's a good idea to live with each other before marriage because understanding whether you can live well together is a BIG part of having a successful marriage. I would perhaps open up her rule to "never live with someone until you're engaged (or soon to be engaged)." Or I would say that living together (in a rental situation) before marriage is fine, but you shouldn't buy property together yet.

What are your opinions?

I think living together without getting married for a woman is the worst of both worlds. You get all the duties of married life without its perks. And you get all the annoyances of single life without its joys.

Whether you can live together depends very much on your commitment, more so than on actual compatibility.

Hmm, this was not my experience. What "duties of married life?" My then-boyfriend-now-DH and I had a nice 2 bed condo. We had high income, no kids, and all the time in the world. Holy cow, it was so much better than married life now slaving away with the rug rats!

The principal duty of married life is monogamy, and the principal perk of single life is the freedom to explore other partners. When you live together, you are as good as declaring yourself off limits to other men. In my view, this sort of concession is owed only to husbands. Even if you have a serious boyfriend (living separately), you can meet someone who you think will be a better match, and explore this at least initially before breaking this off. Few men would want to date someone who lives with someone else. I wouldn't want to take myself out of the game without a ring on my finger.

Seriously? Come on now, you don't have to be engaged or married to have an exclusive relationship with someone. Even HS kids know that.

My live in boyfriend and I absolutely had the expectation that we were monogamous and not seeing other people.

It's not a law. It's a personal position. Of course you don't have to. I preferred it that way. For me, the ring was the price of monogamy. I wasn't willing to do it any other way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not for it. I believe most women who live with a man before marriage are looking to get married. Men often are not on the same page. Also I feel as though women may not want to voice their likes/dislikes because they are afraid to argue less the man will not marry them, so they brush basic things under the rug like that really fun ex he still hangs out with as "friends." Basically the woman is not her full self because she's auditioning for the role of wife to a man who's going along for the ride. Sometimes they marry and sometimes they don't but those issues are still under the rug. Do they come out before or after the divorce.

Umm, no. If you are in a committed, monogamous relationship and your serious boyfriend cheats on you, you can most certainly move out and put an end to that relationship, ASAP. You walk away with everything that you brought to the table - your bank account, your 401K, your investments, your car, your t.v, etc - all still yours.

If your husband cheats on you then you have to go through a divorce, along with a separation, split of marital assets......which is time consuming, expensive and emotionally draining.

Yes but it's a lot more hassle to do this while moving out vs. simply stopping to take his calls if you happen to live separately.

Yes but you aren't just dating anymore by the time you move in with each other. You have taken your relationship to the next level - monogamous, sharing living expenses, celebrating holidays together but usually not bank accounts, car ownership, etc. Marriage involves a financial entanglement that living together does not.

Since a good many marriages fail due to financial disputes, it is not a bad idea to go into a marriage with your eyes wide open.

How does that counter what I said? If your boyfriend cheats on you, it's a lot easier to just break off the relationship vs. needing to pack up, give notice, find another place to live etc.

My position is that most issues are resolvable if you are committed to resolving them.

My point was that by the time you move in with your SO, you are romantically exclusive. There is an expectation that you will not be seeing other people and there is the acknowledgement that you will be sharing a place, rental expenses, household duties with your SO. This is the time when you get to enjoy being together w/o being anymore financially entangled than you are with any other roommate. If it doesn't work out, you can leave as easily as you could leave any other incompatible roommate scenario. By the time you marry and start sharing bank accounts you have a pretty darned good idea how responsible someone is, how they handle money, etc.

It's much easier to break it off and leave someone if you don't live together.