What are your views on living together before marriage?

[Anonymous]

I truly believe if most people cohabitated before marriage, most marriages wouldn't happen LOL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did and would highly recommend it. Been married for lucky 13 years.

My friend got married to a Dutch guy and for religious reasons (and distance) they decided not to live together until they got married. He came here for the wedding which was beautiful. They moved back to Netherlands and in 3 months she was back to the States because the guy turned out to have a serious case of "sundowner syndrome". He was ok during the day but almost crazy at night. Had they lived together before marriage she would have known this.

Uh, so she never spent the night with the guy before marriage? That’s a little weird.
My DH had a severe case of early onset ‘fussy old man syndrome’ where he does not want to go out but instead he wants to go to sleep at 8:30 pm with the radio blaring sports talk. We’ve been married almost 30 years - I got him some headphones and I have my own friends to go out with at night if need be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't have to live together to get free milk on the regular. I don't think living together is the big life change it used to be back in your mom's time.

The only rule I live by is to take your sweet time on big life decisions. Fools rush in.

I've heard it's harder to end a relationship when you're living together. My DH stayed with his ex at least 3 years too long after their relationship went stale. And in the end, he lost his CD collection.

Also, consider this: everyone pretty much sucks to live with after enough time has passed. There's not much you couldn't learn about a significant other just from spending time at their place. If co-habitation were such a litmus test for compatibility, the divorce rate wouldn't be as high as it is, considering how many people live together before marriage.

Tragic!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If nobody ever bought the cow while they could get the milk for free, then no couples who live together would ever get married. So OBVIOUSLY getting free milk is not preventing couples from buying cows.

I would never marry someone I hadn't lived with for at least a year, first. How would I have known otherwise if my then boyfriend cleaned up his apartment only when he knew I was coming over or if that's how he lives? I needed to see him when he couldn't sustain his "best dating behavior" in front of me.

That’s just silly. My DH was very neat while in grad school, got less so with a full time job and it all went out the window with young kids but now that the kids are older he’s a vacuuming/dusting/mopping machine. If a guy CAN clean at all or is willing to learn or participate that’s enough. It’s a relationship, not a ‘test’.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just curious as it came up in conversation the other day. My rather liberal mother is staunch on one rule in life - never live with someone until you are married. Her reasonings are that classic "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" idiom and that it just makes things 10x more difficult if things go south.

I understand those points of views but think it's a good idea to live with each other before marriage because understanding whether you can live well together is a BIG part of having a successful marriage. I would perhaps open up her rule to "never live with someone until you're engaged (or soon to be engaged)." Or I would say that living together (in a rental situation) before marriage is fine, but you shouldn't buy property together yet.

What are your opinions?

I have a better idea: Live 6 months with his parents.

Then turn around and try to understand his family of origin, the role-model his father was, the type of mother his mother was, how they ran their family/split responsibilities, how well they communicated (or not), and then assume that will be your BF's baseline. Horrified? Excited?

That’s insane. After age 18 you shouldn’t even be living with your own parents for 6 months. Childhood is over.

[Anonymous]

I am not living with my fiance before marriage just because of logistical reasons. (Distance.) I would have liked to, but we have spent lots and lots of nights/days together both in each other's homes and on vacation so it's not something I am particularly concerned about.

[Anonymous]

We knew each other for about eight years before we married. Each had our own place. We got a place together about a month before the wedding because both of our leases were up at the same time. Married 20 years.

[Anonymous]

I don't really care about others living together but I didn't want to live with DH. We wanted marriage to be special and different than living together, so we waited. I owned my own house and had 2 roommates too who helped me pay the mortgage.

Nothing I knew about DH changed when we moved together. I knew who he was and his chore habits/cleanliness/etc.

[Anonymous]

People who live together before marriage have a 33 percent greater chance of divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People who live together before marriage have a 33 percent greater chance of divorce.

Every situation is different. But from what I've seen the people who rush into marriage young are the ones who wind up divorced, usually within a few years of their wedding.

[Anonymous]

We did not live together before marriage, and we just celebrated our 30th anniversary this week. I agree with a PP: We spent enough time together while dating that it wasn't a shock to actually live together. And we didn't get caught in a trip of endlessly living together without marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People who live together before marriage have a 33 percent greater chance of divorce.

Every situation is different. But from what I've seen the people who rush into marriage young are the ones who wind up divorced, usually within a few years of their wedding.

Of course every situation is different but in general it's more an indicator of future divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just curious as it came up in conversation the other day. My rather liberal mother is staunch on one rule in life - never live with someone until you are married. Her reasonings are that classic "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" idiom and that it just makes things 10x more difficult if things go south.

I understand those points of views but think it's a good idea to live with each other before marriage because understanding whether you can live well together is a BIG part of having a successful marriage. I would perhaps open up her rule to "never live with someone until you're engaged (or soon to be engaged)." Or I would say that living together (in a rental situation) before marriage is fine, but you shouldn't buy property together yet.

What are your opinions?

I have a better idea: Live 6 months with his parents.

Then turn around and try to understand his family of origin, the role-model his father was, the type of mother his mother was, how they ran their family/split responsibilities, how well they communicated (or not), and then assume that will be your BF's baseline. Horrified? Excited?

That’s insane. After age 18 you shouldn’t even be living with your own parents for 6 months. Childhood is over.

Now that is out style even in these parts, let alone the rest of the world.

[Anonymous]

I think people should not move in together if they aren’t sure that they want to marry the other person. It just makes it much harder to end a dead in relationship when you are living together. I know A LOT of people who have continued on in long term relationships just because they live together.

[Anonymous]

I really think it depends on the person and the relationship. DH and I lived together for 1.5 years before getting engaged, but we very openly talked about marriage and I think we were both in the "s#!t or get off the pot" phase and knew ultimately we wanted to get married. We were in our mid-20's. My BIL, on the other hand, has lived with his same gf for 6 years and openly tells her he does not want to marry her (or anyone, for that matter) but she sticks around thinking he'll change his mind.