What are your views on living together before marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's risky because I've seen it lead to a lot of relationships that lasted well past their expiration date. Living with someone creates a ton of inertia, because breaking up isn't just an emotional drain, it's a logistical pain. You can't just stop seeing someone--you have to find a new place and pack up your stuff and move out. You might both be on a lease. You have to divide up your stuff. You have a pet together. Your whole daily routine will change. So people stay together when they should break up--I've even seen people get married out of inertia when literally everyone else knew it was a terrible idea, because it was just easier than breaking up.

I also think you both really need to be on the same page about the future. If one of you thinks that moving in together means you're on the road to marriage and the other doesn't, there are problems. A relationship can stagnate, and the one who's happy with things the way they are has no reason to change, and the one who isn't has a lot more to lose.

Moving in together to save money on rent or something is a bad idea.

FWIW, I lived with my now-husband for just under six months before we got engaged. We had talked about and were on the same page wrt how serious the relationship was and how we felt about marriage.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m also super liberal and agree 100% with your mom but not for that dumb ass reason. I’d go down a notch and say don’t live together until you’re ENGAGED. That way both parties are on the same page about the future of the relationship but if it turns out your partner is actually a nightmare to live with and you want out, it’s logistically easier than getting a divorce.

This is what we did. Engaged in September, moved in together in October, married in July. So glad we did and we’ve been married 20 years.

My dad married again after my mom died and it lasted about 3 years. If they had lived together first he never would have married her. They had traveled together but that was not enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just curious as it came up in conversation the other day. My rather liberal mother is staunch on one rule in life - never live with someone until you are married. Her reasonings are that classic "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" idiom and that it just makes things 10x more difficult if things go south.

I understand those points of views but think it's a good idea to live with each other before marriage because understanding whether you can live well together is a BIG part of having a successful marriage. I would perhaps open up her rule to "never live with someone until you're engaged (or soon to be engaged)." Or I would say that living together (in a rental situation) before marriage is fine, but you shouldn't buy property together yet.

What are your opinions?

I think living together without getting married for a woman is the worst of both worlds. You get all the duties of married life without its perks. And you get all the annoyances of single life without its joys.

Whether you can live together depends very much on your commitment, more so than on actual compatibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just curious as it came up in conversation the other day. My rather liberal mother is staunch on one rule in life - never live with someone until you are married. Her reasonings are that classic "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" idiom and that it just makes things 10x more difficult if things go south.

I understand those points of views but think it's a good idea to live with each other before marriage because understanding whether you can live well together is a BIG part of having a successful marriage. I would perhaps open up her rule to "never live with someone until you're engaged (or soon to be engaged)." Or I would say that living together (in a rental situation) before marriage is fine, but you shouldn't buy property together yet.

What are your opinions?

I think living together without getting married for a woman is the worst of both worlds. You get all the duties of married life without its perks. And you get all the annoyances of single life without its joys.

Whether you can live together depends very much on your commitment, more so than on actual compatibility.

Huh? You are presumably splitting rent and utilities 50/50 and you divide the housework, cooking and errands between each other. My boyfriend (now dh) and I both worked fairly long hours at the time and we learned to divide and conquer household tasks early on - together. As a bonus, we didn't have to deal with other roommates and their guests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just curious as it came up in conversation the other day. My rather liberal mother is staunch on one rule in life - never live with someone until you are married. Her reasonings are that classic "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" idiom and that it just makes things 10x more difficult if things go south.

I understand those points of views but think it's a good idea to live with each other before marriage because understanding whether you can live well together is a BIG part of having a successful marriage. I would perhaps open up her rule to "never live with someone until you're engaged (or soon to be engaged)." Or I would say that living together (in a rental situation) before marriage is fine, but you shouldn't buy property together yet.

What are your opinions?

I think living together without getting married for a woman is the worst of both worlds. You get all the duties of married life without its perks. And you get all the annoyances of single life without its joys.

Whether you can live together depends very much on your commitment, more so than on actual compatibility.

Hmm, this was not my experience. What "duties of married life?" My then-boyfriend-now-DH and I had a nice 2 bed condo. We had high income, no kids, and all the time in the world. Holy cow, it was so much better than married life now slaving away with the rug rats!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's risky because I've seen it lead to a lot of relationships that lasted well past their expiration date. Living with someone creates a ton of inertia, because breaking up isn't just an emotional drain, it's a logistical pain. You can't just stop seeing someone--you have to find a new place and pack up your stuff and move out. You might both be on a lease. You have to divide up your stuff. You have a pet together. Your whole daily routine will change. So people stay together when they should break up--I've even seen people get married out of inertia when literally everyone else knew it was a terrible idea, because it was just easier than breaking up.

I also think you both really need to be on the same page about the future. If one of you thinks that moving in together means you're on the road to marriage and the other doesn't, there are problems. A relationship can stagnate, and the one who's happy with things the way they are has no reason to change, and the one who isn't has a lot more to lose.

Moving in together to save money on rent or something is a bad idea.

FWIW, I lived with my now-husband for just under six months before we got engaged. We had talked about and were on the same page wrt how serious the relationship was and how we felt about marriage.

+1

Yes agree with this. I wouldn’t move in until I was engaged. That gives plenty of time to try out living together before marriage.

[Anonymous]

I would feel comfortable doing it after being engaged with a date set. I never considered it a must do though.

[Anonymous]

I am not for it. I believe most women who live with a man before marriage are looking to get married. Men often are not on the same page. Also I feel as though women may not want to voice their likes/dislikes because they are afraid to argue less the man will not marry them, so they brush basic things under the rug like that really fun ex he still hangs out with as "friends." Basically the woman is not her full self because she's auditioning for the role of wife to a man who's going along for the ride. Sometimes they marry and sometimes they don't but those issues are still under the rug. Do they come out before or after the divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's risky because I've seen it lead to a lot of relationships that lasted well past their expiration date. Living with someone creates a ton of inertia, because breaking up isn't just an emotional drain, it's a logistical pain. You can't just stop seeing someone--you have to find a new place and pack up your stuff and move out. You might both be on a lease. You have to divide up your stuff. You have a pet together. Your whole daily routine will change. So people stay together when they should break up--I've even seen people get married out of inertia when literally everyone else knew it was a terrible idea, because it was just easier than breaking up.

I also think you both really need to be on the same page about the future. If one of you thinks that moving in together means you're on the road to marriage and the other doesn't, there are problems. A relationship can stagnate, and the one who's happy with things the way they are has no reason to change, and the one who isn't has a lot more to lose.

Moving in together to save money on rent or something is a bad idea.

FWIW, I lived with my now-husband for just under six months before we got engaged. We had talked about and were on the same page wrt how serious the relationship was and how we felt about marriage.

+1

Yes agree with this. I wouldn’t move in until I was engaged. That gives plenty of time to try out living together before marriage.

You can be ready to live with someone well before you are ready to plan and pay for a wedding, start a family, etc. We were in our mid 20's when we moved into our apt and we didn't marry until nearly 8 years later, although by that point we had already bought a house together.

I would have felt stupid having a ring on my hand for that many years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just curious as it came up in conversation the other day. My rather liberal mother is staunch on one rule in life - never live with someone until you are married. Her reasonings are that classic "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" idiom and that it just makes things 10x more difficult if things go south.

I understand those points of views but think it's a good idea to live with each other before marriage because understanding whether you can live well together is a BIG part of having a successful marriage. I would perhaps open up her rule to "never live with someone until you're engaged (or soon to be engaged)." Or I would say that living together (in a rental situation) before marriage is fine, but you shouldn't buy property together yet.

What are your opinions?

I wouldn't bother.
The real $hit hits the fan once you have kids, not living the high life in a 1BR or 2BR apartment both pulling in salaries, tiny expenses, eating out, vacations, etc.
The real $hit hits the fan once one of you goes through a death in the family or friend circle -- then you see if they can offer the emotional support you need.
The real $hit hits the fan once one of you loses a job or gets laid off - how do you or they handle that stress and do you work together to find a solution?
The real $hit hits the fan when you have to work together to solve a conflict or issue - like an illness, or a job search, or maybe the wedding, or an issue with a young child (health, school).

If anything I wish we had done non-church pre-marital counseling and vetting views in child-rearing, running a real household (i.e. two jobs, 2-3 kids, house, yard, elderly parents, vehicles), finances/spending.
More talking and thinking, not "living together". BFD, don't bother living together, that will eliminate the BS of dating for years and years and years cuz someone is non-committal or has different timing or priorities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not for it. I believe most women who live with a man before marriage are looking to get married. Men often are not on the same page. Also I feel as though women may not want to voice their likes/dislikes because they are afraid to argue less the man will not marry them, so they brush basic things under the rug like that really fun ex he still hangs out with as "friends." Basically the woman is not her full self because she's auditioning for the role of wife to a man who's going along for the ride. Sometimes they marry and sometimes they don't but those issues are still under the rug. Do they come out before or after the divorce.

Umm, no. If you are in a committed, monogamous relationship and your serious boyfriend cheats on you, you can most certainly move out and put an end to that relationship, ASAP. You walk away with everything that you brought to the table - your bank account, your 401K, your investments, your car, your t.v, etc - all still yours.

If your husband cheats on you then you have to go through a divorce, along with a separation, split of marital assets......which is time consuming, expensive and emotionally draining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just curious as it came up in conversation the other day. My rather liberal mother is staunch on one rule in life - never live with someone until you are married. Her reasonings are that classic "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" idiom and that it just makes things 10x more difficult if things go south.

I understand those points of views but think it's a good idea to live with each other before marriage because understanding whether you can live well together is a BIG part of having a successful marriage. I would perhaps open up her rule to "never live with someone until you're engaged (or soon to be engaged)." Or I would say that living together (in a rental situation) before marriage is fine, but you shouldn't buy property together yet.

What are your opinions?

I have a better idea: Live 6 months with his parents.

Then turn around and try to understand his family of origin, the role-model his father was, the type of mother his mother was, how they ran their family/split responsibilities, how well they communicated (or not), and then assume that will be your BF's baseline. Horrified? Excited?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just curious as it came up in conversation the other day. My rather liberal mother is staunch on one rule in life - never live with someone until you are married. Her reasonings are that classic "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" idiom and that it just makes things 10x more difficult if things go south.

I understand those points of views but think it's a good idea to live with each other before marriage because understanding whether you can live well together is a BIG part of having a successful marriage. I would perhaps open up her rule to "never live with someone until you're engaged (or soon to be engaged)." Or I would say that living together (in a rental situation) before marriage is fine, but you shouldn't buy property together yet.

What are your opinions?

I wouldn't bother.
The real $hit hits the fan once you have kids, not living the high life in a 1BR or 2BR apartment both pulling in salaries, tiny expenses, eating out, vacations, etc.
The real $hit hits the fan once one of you goes through a death in the family or friend circle -- then you see if they can offer the emotional support you need.
The real $hit hits the fan once one of you loses a job or gets laid off - how do you or they handle that stress and do you work together to find a solution?
The real $hit hits the fan when you have to work together to solve a conflict or issue - like an illness, or a job search, or maybe the wedding, or an issue with a young child (health, school).

If anything I wish we had done non-church pre-marital counseling and vetting views in child-rearing, running a real household (i.e. two jobs, 2-3 kids, house, yard, elderly parents, vehicles), finances/spending.
More talking and thinking, not "living together". BFD, don't bother living together, that will eliminate the BS of dating for years and years and years cuz someone is non-committal or has different timing or priorities.

We had $hit hit the fan when we were living together and we had other types of $hit hit the fan after we were married. I think it's better to know if a potential spouse is going to have your back during a difficult time than it would be to find out after the fact that the person sucks at being emotionally there for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well you'd never buy a car until you test drove it, would you?

yes, have a kid together first, then you'll see what kind of man his is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Isn't it kind of sad to believe that the "love of your life," aka the guy that you're going to marry, is of the sort of character who wouldn't marry you if you guys lived together first, because he got "free milk?"

I mean, if the guy is like that, wouldn't you want to find out before you marry him? No?

I bet it's real fun living with someone while constantly being marriage-tested in everything you say or do. Sounds like a really healthy game.