What are your views on living together before marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just curious as it came up in conversation the other day. My rather liberal mother is staunch on one rule in life - never live with someone until you are married. Her reasonings are that classic "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" idiom and that it just makes things 10x more difficult if things go south.

I understand those points of views but think it's a good idea to live with each other before marriage because understanding whether you can live well together is a BIG part of having a successful marriage. I would perhaps open up her rule to "never live with someone until you're engaged (or soon to be engaged)." Or I would say that living together (in a rental situation) before marriage is fine, but you shouldn't buy property together yet.

What are your opinions?

I have a better idea: Live 6 months with his parents.

Then turn around and try to understand his family of origin, the role-model his father was, the type of mother his mother was, how they ran their family/split responsibilities, how well they communicated (or not), and then assume that will be your BF's baseline. Horrified? Excited?

Good plan. And after those 6 months are up, you and he can live 6 months with your parents. It'll be fun!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isn't it kind of sad to believe that the "love of your life," aka the guy that you're going to marry, is of the sort of character who wouldn't marry you if you guys lived together first, because he got "free milk?"

I mean, if the guy is like that, wouldn't you want to find out before you marry him? No?

I bet it's real fun living with someone while constantly being marriage-tested in everything you say or do. Sounds like a really healthy game.

Some cows just need a good daily milking.....

[Anonymous]

Bogus! You can practically live together without actually moving in. I did twice and never did again. Marriage first!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isn't it kind of sad to believe that the "love of your life," aka the guy that you're going to marry, is of the sort of character who wouldn't marry you if you guys lived together first, because he got "free milk?"

I mean, if the guy is like that, wouldn't you want to find out before you marry him? No?

I bet it's real fun living with someone while constantly being marriage-tested in everything you say or do. Sounds like a really healthy game.

It sure was a lot of fun, asshole.

[Anonymous]

I lived with my now-wife for a couple of years before we married. I would encourage my kids to do the same.

I wouldn’t buy a place or have kids first though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isn't it kind of sad to believe that the "love of your life," aka the guy that you're going to marry, is of the sort of character who wouldn't marry you if you guys lived together first, because he got "free milk?"

I mean, if the guy is like that, wouldn't you want to find out before you marry him? No?

I bet it's real fun living with someone while constantly being marriage-tested in everything you say or do. Sounds like a really healthy game.

Some cows just need a good daily milking.....

Oh f*ck off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Almost never works out for the women I know.

Most women I know did it, and it worked for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m also super liberal and agree 100% with your mom but not for that dumb ass reason. I’d go down a notch and say don’t live together until you’re ENGAGED. That way both parties are on the same page about the future of the relationship but if it turns out your partner is actually a nightmare to live with and you want out, it’s logistically easier than getting a divorce.

+1. I know people that have said that they moved in when they were talking marriage. But I think how awkward to move in when he is talking about marriage and then have a clock sort of ticking for when he will ask you. Or living together for years and wonder if he is finally going to propose marriage and realize you have to deal with all the logistics of moving out etc., if things don’t seem to be leading that way.

As for test driving etc that people are mentioning, there are people that divorced that lived together first and people that divorced that didn’t live together first. Whatever you do, you and your SO need to be on the same page and like a PP mentioned you have to talk about the serious stuff. I found pre-marital counseling very helpful in digging deeper about compatibility. You don’t typically delve into communication and pre-marital counseling unless you are engaged to marry but I felt like that would be good if you were thinking about marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just curious as it came up in conversation the other day. My rather liberal mother is staunch on one rule in life - never live with someone until you are married. Her reasonings are that classic "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" idiom and that it just makes things 10x more difficult if things go south.

I understand those points of views but think it's a good idea to live with each other before marriage because understanding whether you can live well together is a BIG part of having a successful marriage. I would perhaps open up her rule to "never live with someone until you're engaged (or soon to be engaged)." Or I would say that living together (in a rental situation) before marriage is fine, but you shouldn't buy property together yet.

What are your opinions?

I have a better idea: Live 6 months with his parents.

Then turn around and try to understand his family of origin, the role-model his father was, the type of mother his mother was, how they ran their family/split responsibilities, how well they communicated (or not), and then assume that will be your BF's baseline. Horrified? Excited?

Good plan. And after those 6 months are up, you and he can live 6 months with your parents. It'll be fun!

totally, he would learn a thing or two! It's crazy how many ppl think the only way to do things is how their parents did it in the 70s and 80s. crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Almost never works out for the women I know.

Most women I know did it, and it worked for them.

+1

Same. Actually probably all the women (save for a few religious ones I don't know too well, I just assume they didn't) I know lived together first, before engagement.

But some people don't seem to get that for some of us, when you live together, you're not necessarily striving to "get your boyfriend to marry you" or even "testing" him. For me, it was just a natural next-step to take in a relationship that was working and we were spending tons of time together anyway. I wasn't gunning for a ring, and I wasn't "planning" anything. I was living my life and enjoying being with him. And he the same with me. Then he proposed and we got married. He had asked me to move in, he asked me to marry him.

Oh and it was SO MUCH more fun to be dating and having all that time to spend together than married with children and all the drudgeries associated with that. We miss it.

Some of these points of view are super depressing - like dating is some sort of sparring match when you're just trying to out-smart your boyfriend/girlfriend or some sort of contest where you both try to take as much from the other as possible while giving as little as possible. I mean, WTF? So messed up.

[Anonymous]

No way! We both did in previous relationships and vowed to never do it again. So much blah! So little upside. I wouldn’t trade the excitement of a proposal and wedding build up fairy tale for anything. Then when the tough stuff comes you actually have vows and commitment and (money!) on the line in addition to the love and feelings.
Not only do I say don’t live together I say date two years max haha. Women are selling themselves way way too short these days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Almost never works out for the women I know.

Most women I know did it, and it worked for them.

+1

Same. Actually probably all the women (save for a few religious ones I don't know too well, I just assume they didn't) I know lived together first, before engagement.

But some people don't seem to get that for some of us, when you live together, you're not necessarily striving to "get your boyfriend to marry you" or even "testing" him. For me, it was just a natural next-step to take in a relationship that was working and we were spending tons of time together anyway. I wasn't gunning for a ring, and I wasn't "planning" anything. I was living my life and enjoying being with him. And he the same with me. Then he proposed and we got married. He had asked me to move in, he asked me to marry him.

Oh and it was SO MUCH more fun to be dating and having all that time to spend together than married with children and all the drudgeries associated with that. We miss it.

Some of these points of view are super depressing - like dating is some sort of sparring match when you're just trying to out-smart your boyfriend/girlfriend or some sort of contest where you both try to take as much from the other as possible while giving as little as possible. I mean, WTF? So messed up.

Exactly! I raise my glass of milk for a toast!

[Anonymous]

I moved in with my (now) DH in college. We knew we planned to get married early on. We've been together for 25 years.

Living together allows you to check comparability as well as commitment. If the guy only wants to see you once or twice a week, then he's really not equipped for a committed monogamous relationship. When he wants to be with you everyday, then you know he's a keeper.

[Anonymous]

OP, people's views tend to change on the subject. A young woman in her biological prime sees the commitment and securities provided by marriage as a goal in and of itself. She wants and needs a male on the hook for all and any children that may come as a result.

Once all that is done, an more mature female is free to do as she pleases. In fact, marrying when older only makes sense if the poor marry someone much better off. It is a losing proposition for the other party (and their children) and for anyone with assets.

The bottom line is: If you're young, you should push for marriage on paper. If you're old and poor, you should push for marriage on paper. If you're old, have stuff, and want your stuff to go to you kids or anybody other than your partner, stay away from paper.

[Anonymous]

I think that it’s fun to maintain two residences when you are dating and then to move in together after marriage.
Those early dreamy days of adjusting to our new lives together was pretty exciting. The stresses of setting up a new life together are best saved for a committed relationship as well.
That being said people should spend a lot of nights together before marriage - both at their apartments/homes and on trips together.

But really whatever my kids want to do is fine with me - it’s their lives. It’s strange that your mom would have such strong opinions about how you conduct your life. Do you keep asking for her approval or something?