What are your views on living together before marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Living together prior to marriage is apples and oranges to marriage. No comparison according to people I know who have done both.

Personally, playing house never appealed to me. Make a commitment or go away.

I do not see any difference between the time we live together before marriage and the time after. What was different was having kids!

+1 From an everyday perspective, it's really not that different. If you keep money separate after you get married, it's not really that much different than living together. If you have joint accounts before you get married, it's not that much different if you make it official.

My DH and I bought a house together then immediately got engaged. For me, I would only move in with someone if I thought the relationship was headed towards marriage eventually because to me marriage is important. For others, I know that making it official isn't that big of a deal. But living together is not that different from being married. If you want an out even after you get married, just keep your finances separate and sign a prenup.

Your separate accounts become marital property after you marry though. Unless you have a prenup you are sharing finances and have legal obligations to each other in a way that you never had before you were married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People who live together before marriage have a 33 percent greater chance of divorce.

Did your Baptist preacher whip out that statistic for you?

People who do not live together before marriage for religious reasons have a greater chance of suffering through a miserable marriage.

I lived with my girlfriend for several months before we married. Best decision I ever made.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You solve 95% of these problems by actually having a conversation about life goals and dreams, and where you hope the relationship is headed. If you're on the same page, living together can be great. If you're not, it can blow up on you, or make end up being stuck like glue in a relationship that no longer works for you.

OP here. I tend to agree with this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People who live together before marriage have a 33 percent greater chance of divorce.

This doesn't mean that a greater percentage of couples that don't live together prior to marriage actually end up happily married. It just means that a smaller percentage of these couples get divorced -- probably because couples who do not live together prior to marriage are far more likely to be religious/ belong to religious communities & come from highly religious families that frown on divorce than couples that do not live together prior to marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that it’s fun to maintain two residences when you are dating and then to move in together after marriage.
Those early dreamy days of adjusting to our new lives together was pretty exciting. The stresses of setting up a new life together are best saved for a committed relationship as well.
That being said people should spend a lot of nights together before marriage - both at their apartments/homes and on trips together.

But really whatever my kids want to do is fine with me - it’s their lives. It’s strange that your mom would have such strong opinions about how you conduct your life. Do you keep asking for her approval or something?

OP here. I guess I should of clarified - she doesn't impose those opinions on me. It was just a casual topic of conversation. The rule was a strong personal rule throughout her entire dating life and one that she in general thinks everyone should follow, but she doesn't expect me to share all the same values with her of course!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's going to be different for every person and for every couple. Some people would be smart to live together first, others may be better off not. There really isn't a right answer on this one.

For me personally, I lived with a partner in a LTR before we eventually split and I met and married DH. Leaving someone you live with is incredibly challenging. Even if you are able to resist relationship inertia, there are financial and logistical considerations that make it that much harder to break up when you live together. I was in an abusive relationship much longer than I otherwise would have been - like, years longer - if I hadn't had to overcome those practical challenges.

If you had gotten yourself entangled in the guy's finances - cosigned for his car loan, kept him afloat during episodes of joblessness, leased furniture with him, that sort of thing, I can see how it would have been difficult for you to extricate yourself from that situation. Ideally, you don't get all financially wrapped up with each other unless you know how that person handles responsibility and his money.

FWIW, I had a boyfriend try to persuade me to cosign on a car loan for him and he also used my credit card w/o my permission and wrote checks on my bank acct w/o my permission (I put an abrupt end to that sh*t when I found out about it). He couldn't hold a job to save his life. Thankfully I did not ever share a place with that guy nor did I cosign any loans with him. If I had, that would have been pretty disastrous for me. I honestly don't know what my life would look like now if I had allowed that. You have got to look out for yourself. People who are financially irresponsible with their own money and credit will sometimes try to take you down with them.

On an up note, the boyfriend that I did share a place with was on the same page with me financially which is vitally important. If things hadn't worked out between us, we really could have just walked away from each other. By the time I purchased a house with him I considered him to be a good investment partner. It doesn't sound too romantic, but having the ability to trust someone like that is just the most amazing thing ever. Especially after what the last boyfriend had put me through, KWIM?

NP here. I take your point, especially because I have a good friend who ended up $40k in debt after her live-in boyfriend took out credit cards in her name and ran up huge charges.

However, in my case, my LTR wasn't some deadbeat or cheat. He was very financially responsible, but moved into a home I owned. Do you know how hard it is to evict? And it's not like I could move out. I had to wait for him to decide to go on his own. Ironically, he waited to do that until he had saved enough money for a down payment on his new place because he wanted to make smart decisions.

Being financially responsible and having a financially responsible partner may protect you against some of the problems of living together, but certainly not all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's going to be different for every person and for every couple. Some people would be smart to live together first, others may be better off not. There really isn't a right answer on this one.

For me personally, I lived with a partner in a LTR before we eventually split and I met and married DH. Leaving someone you live with is incredibly challenging. Even if you are able to resist relationship inertia, there are financial and logistical considerations that make it that much harder to break up when you live together. I was in an abusive relationship much longer than I otherwise would have been - like, years longer - if I hadn't had to overcome those practical challenges.

If you had gotten yourself entangled in the guy's finances - cosigned for his car loan, kept him afloat during episodes of joblessness, leased furniture with him, that sort of thing, I can see how it would have been difficult for you to extricate yourself from that situation. Ideally, you don't get all financially wrapped up with each other unless you know how that person handles responsibility and his money.

FWIW, I had a boyfriend try to persuade me to cosign on a car loan for him and he also used my credit card w/o my permission and wrote checks on my bank acct w/o my permission (I put an abrupt end to that sh*t when I found out about it). He couldn't hold a job to save his life. Thankfully I did not ever share a place with that guy nor did I cosign any loans with him. If I had, that would have been pretty disastrous for me. I honestly don't know what my life would look like now if I had allowed that. You have got to look out for yourself. People who are financially irresponsible with their own money and credit will sometimes try to take you down with them.

On an up note, the boyfriend that I did share a place with was on the same page with me financially which is vitally important. If things hadn't worked out between us, we really could have just walked away from each other. By the time I purchased a house with him I considered him to be a good investment partner. It doesn't sound too romantic, but having the ability to trust someone like that is just the most amazing thing ever. Especially after what the last boyfriend had put me through, KWIM?

NP here. I take your point, especially because I have a good friend who ended up $40k in debt after her live-in boyfriend took out credit cards in her name and ran up huge charges.

However, in my case, my LTR wasn't some deadbeat or cheat. He was very financially responsible, but moved into a home I owned. Do you know how hard it is to evict? And it's not like I could move out. I had to wait for him to decide to go on his own. Ironically, he waited to do that until he had saved enough money for a down payment on his new place because he wanted to make smart decisions.

Being financially responsible and having a financially responsible partner may protect you against some of the problems of living together, but certainly not all.

Sorry. Not NP. PP.

[Anonymous]

I think that it’s fun to maintain two residences when you are dating and then to move in together after marriage.
Those early dreamy days of adjusting to our new lives together was pretty exciting. The stresses of setting up a new life together are best saved for a committed relationship as well.

You want a dramatic beginning to your marriage. Just like in a movie!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I think that it’s fun to maintain two residences when you are dating and then to move in together after marriage.
Those early dreamy days of adjusting to our new lives together was pretty exciting. The stresses of setting up a new life together are best saved for a committed relationship as well.

You want a dramatic beginning to your marriage. Just like in a movie!

What's wrong with that? It's nice to feel that the wedding opens a new phase of your life vs. just formalizing what already exists.

[Anonymous]

Against it because I'm a Christian and such an arrangement is dishonoring to God.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I think that it’s fun to maintain two residences when you are dating and then to move in together after marriage.
Those early dreamy days of adjusting to our new lives together was pretty exciting. The stresses of setting up a new life together are best saved for a committed relationship as well.

You want a dramatic beginning to your marriage. Just like in a movie!

All Jane Fonda and Robert Redford in Barefoot in the Park.

I think people shouldn't move in together too fast, just because they're seriously dating. It's true that inertia can keep you together too long if having to move is part of the break-up.

On the other hand, from personal experience, I feel no difference between serious, committed living together and being legally married. I've done the married with kids thing. I've done the unmarried domestic partnership with kids thing, too. It's hard to extricate from a long-term live-in relationship, whether married or not. I have no plans to marry my partner. I also have no plans to split up.

[Anonymous]

I told all of my kids to live together before marriage, and to make sure to use reliable birth control. Get to know your partner first and don't have a baby before you're ready. My adults have listened to me, and it has worked well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I told all of my kids to live together before marriage, and to make sure to use reliable birth control. Get to know your partner first and don't have a baby before you're ready. My adults have listened to me, and it has worked well.

This would be my advice, too. Last thing you want are nasty surprises AFTER you are already legally bound to someone. Go in knowing the person you are committing your life too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Against it because I'm a Christian and such an arrangement is dishonoring to God.

I know that some people feel that way but I consider marriage to be a sacred commitment and we should make an honorable and sincere effort before we say our vows.

Most young couples do have sex before marriage whether they share an apartment together first or not. Might as well side step the pretenses and share the apartment, IMO.

[Anonymous]

^sincere effort to fully know each other