What are your views on living together before marriage?

[Anonymous]

Just curious as it came up in conversation the other day. My rather liberal mother is staunch on one rule in life - never live with someone until you are married. Her reasonings are that classic "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" idiom and that it just makes things 10x more difficult if things go south.

I understand those points of views but think it's a good idea to live with each other before marriage because understanding whether you can live well together is a BIG part of having a successful marriage. I would perhaps open up her rule to "never live with someone until you're engaged (or soon to be engaged)." Or I would say that living together (in a rental situation) before marriage is fine, but you shouldn't buy property together yet.

What are your opinions?

[Anonymous]

I viewed it as a must. I didn't want to find out after the fact that I couldn't stand living with a person I'd just made a lifelong commitment to. I do, however, think that moving in together shouldn't be a choice made for convenience (oh my lease is ending, oh I hate my roommate, let's shack up) as that leads down the path of least resistance to marriage when you might really not be good for one another. I view it as a last step before making that final contractual commitment of marriage.

[Anonymous]

It may be generational and it may be religious. It was a "no no" in my day, but my sister did it anyway and she is still married.

I never did it but my daughter is now at age 27. I married at 26, so I can't be too mad even though I'm not thrilled with the idea.

[Anonymous]

My opinion is that it is a calculated risk; you can't see the future. I lived with my now husband for several years before we married and I never doubted my decision once. We've been together for close to 30 years. However, I'm fairly certain that my brother got married out of entropy. It was just the next step and the marriage didn't last a year. He is now happily remarried to a woman he moved in with before marriage so who knows.

Bottom line: gotta go with your gut.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just curious as it came up in conversation the other day. My rather liberal mother is staunch on one rule in life - never live with someone until you are married. Her reasonings are that classic "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" idiom and that it just makes things 10x more difficult if things go south.

I understand those points of views but think it's a good idea to live with each other before marriage because understanding whether you can live well together is a BIG part of having a successful marriage. I would perhaps open up her rule to "never live with someone until you're engaged (or soon to be engaged)." Or I would say that living together (in a rental situation) before marriage is fine, but you shouldn't buy property together yet.

What are your opinions?

But the milk in that saying is sex, not constant residential closeness, and most couples who have to decide whether to live together or not before marriage are having sex either way. I think it's a good way to see how much of their weight a person pulls in a household, if nothing else. Plus I live in a HCOL area and my finances got a jolt when my moved in with my then-boyfriend (now DH), as did his.

[Anonymous]

I didn’t live with my DH prior to us getting married. It was motivated by religious reasons - more for him than me. It worked out just fine - we have been married 12 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just curious as it came up in conversation the other day. My rather liberal mother is staunch on one rule in life - never live with someone until you are married. Her reasonings are that classic "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" idiom and that it just makes things 10x more difficult if things go south.

I understand those points of views but think it's a good idea to live with each other before marriage because understanding whether you can live well together is a BIG part of having a successful marriage. I would perhaps open up her rule to "never live with someone until you're engaged (or soon to be engaged)." Or I would say that living together (in a rental situation) before marriage is fine, but you shouldn't buy property together yet.

What are your opinions?

But the milk in that saying is sex, not constant residential closeness, and most couples who have to decide whether to live together or not before marriage are having sex either way. I think it's a good way to see how much of their weight a person pulls in a household, if nothing else. Plus I live in a HCOL area and my finances got a jolt when my moved in with my then-boyfriend (now DH), as did his.

I think she meant that one of the partners won't be motivated to get down on one knee if they already get most of the perks of marriage - sex, living together, etc.

[Anonymous]

I’m strongly in favor of it. I plan to encourage my kids to live with potential life partners before getting married.

[Anonymous]

I think it's risky because I've seen it lead to a lot of relationships that lasted well past their expiration date. Living with someone creates a ton of inertia, because breaking up isn't just an emotional drain, it's a logistical pain. You can't just stop seeing someone--you have to find a new place and pack up your stuff and move out. You might both be on a lease. You have to divide up your stuff. You have a pet together. Your whole daily routine will change. So people stay together when they should break up--I've even seen people get married out of inertia when literally everyone else knew it was a terrible idea, because it was just easier than breaking up.

I also think you both really need to be on the same page about the future. If one of you thinks that moving in together means you're on the road to marriage and the other doesn't, there are problems. A relationship can stagnate, and the one who's happy with things the way they are has no reason to change, and the one who isn't has a lot more to lose.

Moving in together to save money on rent or something is a bad idea.

FWIW, I lived with my now-husband for just under six months before we got engaged. We had talked about and were on the same page wrt how serious the relationship was and how we felt about marriage.

[Anonymous]

I think it's important to live together before marriage to gauge real compatibility.

[Anonymous]

I lived AND bought property with my now-husband long before we were married... I never felt like a "cow" that was "giving away free milk". We got married when we decided we wanted to start a family in the near future. Most of my friends and all my siblings lived with their spouses first as well. I can see how it could've gone wrong of course.

A couple of girls I know wasted years living with guys who were never gonna marry them (both girls wanted marriage) - however, both the guys constantly and loudly declared they didn't ever want to get married, so it wasn't exactly a shock.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's important to live together before marriage to gauge real compatibility.

I agree. One caveat is that I wouldn't recommend it to my kids unless they have already had concrete discussions about moving toward a future together.

[Anonymous]

Well you'd never buy a car until you test drove it, would you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's risky because I've seen it lead to a lot of relationships that lasted well past their expiration date. Living with someone creates a ton of inertia, because breaking up isn't just an emotional drain, it's a logistical pain. You can't just stop seeing someone--you have to find a new place and pack up your stuff and move out. You might both be on a lease. You have to divide up your stuff. You have a pet together. Your whole daily routine will change. So people stay together when they should break up--I've even seen people get married out of inertia when literally everyone else knew it was a terrible idea, because it was just easier than breaking up.

I also think you both really need to be on the same page about the future. If one of you thinks that moving in together means you're on the road to marriage and the other doesn't, there are problems. A relationship can stagnate, and the one who's happy with things the way they are has no reason to change, and the one who isn't has a lot more to lose.

Moving in together to save money on rent or something is a bad idea.

FWIW, I lived with my now-husband for just under six months before we got engaged. We had talked about and were on the same page wrt how serious the relationship was and how we felt about marriage.

I agree with this. I think you can learn a lot about your compatibility without moving in together. If your intent is to get married and have a family, you're better off keeping your own place until your partner is ready to take that next step with you. Moving in together can create problems if both people are not on the same page about moving forward and what that looks like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well you'd never buy a car until you test drove it, would you?

The dealer won't give you the keys without a contract.