What are your views on living together before marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Living together prior to marriage is apples and oranges to marriage. No comparison according to people I know who have done both.

Personally, playing house never appealed to me. Make a commitment or go away.

Literally nothing changed between us when we got married after living together for 5 years except we both wore rings. We already owned our home, were already involved with another's families... We were still the same couple living the exact same life. So I don't understand what you mean when you say "apples to oranges"... What do you think changed? I'm genuinely curious!

[Anonymous]

After my 15 years of marriage to a slobby never picks up after himself DH, I say absolutely live with a potential spouse before marriage.

[Anonymous]

Living together for five years saved me the lawyer fees associated with a divorce long ago.

[Anonymous]

You don't have to live together to get free milk on the regular. I don't think living together is the big life change it used to be back in your mom's time.

The only rule I live by is to take your sweet time on big life decisions. Fools rush in.

I've heard it's harder to end a relationship when you're living together. My DH stayed with his ex at least 3 years too long after their relationship went stale. And in the end, he lost his CD collection.

Also, consider this: everyone pretty much sucks to live with after enough time has passed. There's not much you couldn't learn about a significant other just from spending time at their place. If co-habitation were such a litmus test for compatibility, the divorce rate wouldn't be as high as it is, considering how many people live together before marriage.

[Anonymous]

I didn't want to do it unless I knew marriage was in the future.

But, I met my now-husband at 21, we then dated long-distance for 3 years and he moved in with me when he came back to DC because the ring was basically a formality by then.

I even had him do the ask my parents thing, but out of respect for my parents since I am an only child and very close to them.

Again, I have no strong feelings on this topic. Do what works for you. I will say that the wedding felt a little anti-climactic after having lived together for about a year before the wedding.

[Anonymous]

Dealbreaker not to live together before popping the question. It's the best proxy for "til death do us part."

Plus, the money issues don't really arise until you live together and are sharing bills.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't make a lifetime commitment to another human being without living together first. Breaking a lease is easier than getting a divorce. You can love someone but be incompatible in how you live day to day. While most people don't intentionally lie to their potential spouses, they often compartmentalize the unpleasant/conflict causing aspects of their lives/personalities. When you live together, there's nowhere to hide.

Before dh, I broke up with two serious bfs, that I was otherwise compatible with, based on info I learned about them by living together. Bf#1 was a big spender and had wealthy parents that were financially generous. What I didn't know: Despite a fairly high salary, he lived above his means, had little savings, and substantial consumer debt/bad credit. His lifestyle was being subsidized by his parents and they used that money to exert control over his life. Bf #2 talked a good game about splitting hh responsibilities equitably. In practice, he expected me to do everything. He came from a traditional family where his sahm did all the domestic stuff and basically defaulted to that setup once we moved in together. We were renting a 700 sq ft one bedroom apartment so there wasn't a lot to do. I can't imagine what would've happened if we had a house and kids together.

[Anonymous]

If nobody ever bought the cow while they could get the milk for free, then no couples who live together would ever get married. So OBVIOUSLY getting free milk is not preventing couples from buying cows.

I would never marry someone I hadn't lived with for at least a year, first. How would I have known otherwise if my then boyfriend cleaned up his apartment only when he knew I was coming over or if that's how he lives? I needed to see him when he couldn't sustain his "best dating behavior" in front of me.

[Anonymous]

If queen Elizabeth allows it why shouldn’t I?

[Anonymous]

It’s a must. You need to live with a person to learn all of their quirks. The things you find cute when you just have a few drawers there become dealbreakers when you don’t get to go home to your own space for escape.

[Anonymous]

My DH and I lived together briefly before we got married but we were very committed. With my daughter I told her that she really needed to feel the guy was the one. She moved in with him and they are now married with a baby.

[Anonymous]

Usually you wind up moving in together because you are already spending the majority of your free time together and you want to see how it goes sharing a place, paying bills together, shopping together, etc.

The risk, of course, is that you will find out that you aren't as compatible as you thought you were. Maybe one person is an unreliable bill payer and the other person doesn't do their fair share of the cleaning, grocery shopping and cooking. You learn to work together on that stuff or you decide that things aren't working out and you aren't compatible.

It's also a way to see how devoted you really are to one another. People who live together tend to celebrate holidays together as a couple and visit their families together.

Living together is a big step up from merely dating without the financial/legal entanglement of marriage. You always are aware that if things don't work out the other person is free to leave at any time. It sort of gives you incentive to work things through with each other rather than simply put up with the other person's crap because you're married and divorce is expensive...

Yes, splitting up would be hard, moving is a pain and getting another person to take over your end of the lease is a hassle but it is way, way easier than a divorce is.

So I am fine with people living together before marriage. In fact, I would recommend it.

[Anonymous]

^And I would only recommend living together to couples who are already very much sharing their lives together.

[Anonymous]

Almost never works out for the women I know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Almost never works out for the women I know.

Worked for me.