Working partners, do you resent your non-working spouse?

[Anonymous]

Really OP, what is your purpose in life since job and kids are not good enough in your opinion? Is being your husband’s maid and assistant your purpose?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It depends on what you do all day.

OP, do you just focus on leisure time, or are you working to create a maintain a nice home life for you and your husband?

Do you volunteer in a significant way/contribute to society?

OP here, basically I do everything so that DH doesn't have to worry about anything but his work. All household management, finances and budget, travel and social lives all handled by me. He comes home to a clean and pleasant home (and a clean and pleasant wife, ha!) every single day.

I do volunteer once a week at a women's organization and am usually on a fundraising committee of some sort.

Err....what is there to manage in a household of two people? Unless you live in a mansion with grounds, there really isn't much to manage there. Same with finances, budget and social lives. Sorry, I don't see that there is very much to do there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This post can’t be true. Come on! Do you know anyone in theDC area with no kids, no job, and not actively looking for a job? No. Is OP a 23 year old sugar baby and married to her 55 year old sugar dad? Do those couples exist in DC? Fake post

I know someone like this - my SIL. She makes no apologies and really doesn't give a sh*t what anyone thinks about her set up. She lives in Annapolis. No kids, no pets, big house on the water. She travels with friends, plays a lot of golf. Doesn't cook or clean. She's very pretty and in good shape. It works for her and her husband, who is much less attractive and a workaholic.

Vastly different from my life. And she is perfectly nice, but I find it hard to be around her for too long because we don't have much in common and pretty quickly run out of things to talk about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. So I don't work, so I don't have a purpose? Those of you who do, your job is your purpose in life? Um ok. Fantastic that you are all working such highly regarded, highly impactful jobs that those jobs seems to justify your sole existence. Oh wait, no, it's those kids that give you your sole purpose in life.

PP here who thinks it’s sad you have no ambition in life. All the things you listed, we do anyway. I don’t have kids so no, kids aren’t my purpose in life. I have a job where I meet people from all walks of life and I help victims of crime. Yes, my job provides me a purpose in life other than having fun on the weekends and loving on my husband. When I die, I will truly feel accomplished. If I died today, I’ll know I’ve helped hundreds if not thousands of people outside of my own home. Trust me. Your laziness will get old. Your husband will lose any respect for you. He’ll get tired of explaining to everyone he meets why you sit home on your duff all day not working and not raising kids when you’re able bodied. He will be embarrassed of your lack of accomplishments. Ambition and drive are sexy. You have neither. He will have an affair with an accomplished, driven, sexy co-worker. Mark my words.

You make us accomplished, driven, sexy women sound bad. We aren't trying to steal anyone's husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This post can’t be true. Come on! Do you know anyone in theDC area with no kids, no job, and not actively looking for a job? No. Is OP a 23 year old sugar baby and married to her 55 year old sugar dad? Do those couples exist in DC? Fake post

I know someone like this - my SIL. She makes no apologies and really doesn't give a sh*t what anyone thinks about her set up. She lives in Annapolis. No kids, no pets, big house on the water. She travels with friends, plays a lot of golf. Doesn't cook or clean. She's very pretty and in good shape. It works for her and her husband, who is much less attractive and a workaholic.

Vastly different from my life. And she is perfectly nice, but I find it hard to be around her for too long because we don't have much in common and pretty quickly run out of things to talk about.

But she isn't on DCUM asking for feedback, and OP is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. So I don't work, so I don't have a purpose? Those of you who do, your job is your purpose in life? Um ok. Fantastic that you are all working such highly regarded, highly impactful jobs that those jobs seems to justify your sole existence. Oh wait, no, it's those kids that give you your sole purpose in life.

PP here who thinks it’s sad you have no ambition in life. All the things you listed, we do anyway. I don’t have kids so no, kids aren’t my purpose in life. I have a job where I meet people from all walks of life and I help victims of crime. Yes, my job provides me a purpose in life other than having fun on the weekends and loving on my husband. When I die, I will truly feel accomplished. If I died today, I’ll know I’ve helped hundreds if not thousands of people outside of my own home. Trust me. Your laziness will get old. Your husband will lose any respect for you. He’ll get tired of explaining to everyone he meets why you sit home on your duff all day not working and not raising kids when you’re able bodied. He will be embarrassed of your lack of accomplishments. Ambition and drive are sexy. You have neither. He will have an affair with an accomplished, driven, sexy co-worker. Mark my words.

You make us accomplished, driven, sexy women sound bad. We aren't trying to steal anyone's husband.

Some of you aren’t. Some of you are. And that’s fine.

[Anonymous]

OP where do you live?

is your spouse very religious or in the military/foreign service/job where he moves a lot (therefore preventing you from getting a job)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Well, that was long and I've probably lost everyone...but I do have a question for the people dragging me for not working. Did you marry your spouse because they would add to your bottom line? Or did you marry them because you wanted a partner to share life experiences with and because you enjoy their companionship? Isn't it possible that my husband could appreciate me for the non-financial value I add to his life? Or simply because I don't go out and bring home a paycheck, or because I didn't birth his child he can't really respect or love me? That seems like a pretty dim view on marriage doesn't it?

OP, don't worry about all these people dragging you for not working. They're jealous. All these people who say what do you all day, blah blah, you have no ambition, would never be working their tails off if they didn't need the money.

I'm in your situation except I'm not even married. My days aren't boring at all because I'm not the type who needs to be go, go, go all the time to feel fulfilled. Why would I work when I have the freedom to do the things I enjoy for pleasure all day long instead? Just to be able to say I went to an office? They just have to pretend to be horrified to make themselves feel better about having to be a part of the rat race. If they had the financial freedom they'd pick our lives too. All the ambition/purpose stuff is just a justification because they don't have the choice of leisure so they pretend they work because they are motivated people.

For all of you who can't imagine what you'd do with your day just imagine retirement, just early. You don't plan to work every day until you die, right? Imagine you won the lottery, would you stay at your job?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Well, that was long and I've probably lost everyone...but I do have a question for the people dragging me for not working. Did you marry your spouse because they would add to your bottom line? Or did you marry them because you wanted a partner to share life experiences with and because you enjoy their companionship? Isn't it possible that my husband could appreciate me for the non-financial value I add to his life? Or simply because I don't go out and bring home a paycheck, or because I didn't birth his child he can't really respect or love me? That seems like a pretty dim view on marriage doesn't it?

OP, don't worry about all these people dragging you for not working. They're jealous. All these people who say what do you all day, blah blah, you have no ambition, would never be working their tails off if they didn't need the money.

I'm in your situation except I'm not even married. My days aren't boring at all because I'm not the type who needs to be go, go, go all the time to feel fulfilled. Why would I work when I have the freedom to do the things I enjoy for pleasure all day long instead? Just to be able to say I went to an office? They just have to pretend to be horrified to make themselves feel better about having to be a part of the rat race. If they had the financial freedom they'd pick our lives too. All the ambition/purpose stuff is just a justification because they don't have the choice of leisure so they pretend they work because they are motivated people.

For all of you who can't imagine what you'd do with your day just imagine retirement, just early. You don't plan to work every day until you die, right? Imagine you won the lottery, would you stay at your job?

Are you independently wealthy, PP? Because if not, you are in a VERY precarious position that actually really concerns me for you. I do NOT say that out of jealousy (I don't look down on you or OP at all and agree that why work if you can avoid it?), but to take yourself out of the work force as an unmarried person is VERY risky. You are not contributing to social security, and you are not eligible to collect your partner's benefits either. I hope that you are about to be married or are independently wealthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Well, that was long and I've probably lost everyone...but I do have a question for the people dragging me for not working. Did you marry your spouse because they would add to your bottom line? Or did you marry them because you wanted a partner to share life experiences with and because you enjoy their companionship? Isn't it possible that my husband could appreciate me for the non-financial value I add to his life? Or simply because I don't go out and bring home a paycheck, or because I didn't birth his child he can't really respect or love me? That seems like a pretty dim view on marriage doesn't it?

OP, don't worry about all these people dragging you for not working. They're jealous. All these people who say what do you all day, blah blah, you have no ambition, would never be working their tails off if they didn't need the money.

I'm in your situation except I'm not even married. My days aren't boring at all because I'm not the type who needs to be go, go, go all the time to feel fulfilled. Why would I work when I have the freedom to do the things I enjoy for pleasure all day long instead? Just to be able to say I went to an office? They just have to pretend to be horrified to make themselves feel better about having to be a part of the rat race. If they had the financial freedom they'd pick our lives too. All the ambition/purpose stuff is just a justification because they don't have the choice of leisure so they pretend they work because they are motivated people.

For all of you who can't imagine what you'd do with your day just imagine retirement, just early. You don't plan to work every day until you die, right? Imagine you won the lottery, would you stay at your job?

But you haven't won the lottery, and aren't retired.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Well, that was long and I've probably lost everyone...but I do have a question for the people dragging me for not working. Did you marry your spouse because they would add to your bottom line? Or did you marry them because you wanted a partner to share life experiences with and because you enjoy their companionship? Isn't it possible that my husband could appreciate me for the non-financial value I add to his life? Or simply because I don't go out and bring home a paycheck, or because I didn't birth his child he can't really respect or love me? That seems like a pretty dim view on marriage doesn't it?

OP, don't worry about all these people dragging you for not working. They're jealous. All these people who say what do you all day, blah blah, you have no ambition, would never be working their tails off if they didn't need the money.

I'm in your situation except I'm not even married. My days aren't boring at all because I'm not the type who needs to be go, go, go all the time to feel fulfilled. Why would I work when I have the freedom to do the things I enjoy for pleasure all day long instead? Just to be able to say I went to an office? They just have to pretend to be horrified to make themselves feel better about having to be a part of the rat race. If they had the financial freedom they'd pick our lives too. All the ambition/purpose stuff is just a justification because they don't have the choice of leisure so they pretend they work because they are motivated people.

For all of you who can't imagine what you'd do with your day just imagine retirement, just early. You don't plan to work every day until you die, right? Imagine you won the lottery, would you stay at your job?

But you haven't won the lottery, and aren't retired.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Well, that was long and I've probably lost everyone...but I do have a question for the people dragging me for not working. Did you marry your spouse because they would add to your bottom line? Or did you marry them because you wanted a partner to share life experiences with and because you enjoy their companionship? Isn't it possible that my husband could appreciate me for the non-financial value I add to his life? Or simply because I don't go out and bring home a paycheck, or because I didn't birth his child he can't really respect or love me? That seems like a pretty dim view on marriage doesn't it?

OP, don't worry about all these people dragging you for not working. They're jealous. All these people who say what do you all day, blah blah, you have no ambition, would never be working their tails off if they didn't need the money.

I'm in your situation except I'm not even married. My days aren't boring at all because I'm not the type who needs to be go, go, go all the time to feel fulfilled. Why would I work when I have the freedom to do the things I enjoy for pleasure all day long instead? Just to be able to say I went to an office? They just have to pretend to be horrified to make themselves feel better about having to be a part of the rat race. If they had the financial freedom they'd pick our lives too. All the ambition/purpose stuff is just a justification because they don't have the choice of leisure so they pretend they work because they are motivated people.

For all of you who can't imagine what you'd do with your day just imagine retirement, just early. You don't plan to work every day until you die, right? Imagine you won the lottery, would you stay at your job?

Wrong!!!! I could stay at home and do nothing if I wanted to. I took my time going to school, getting a PhD, looking for a job, etc. I am lucky to have enough family money where I did not NEED to work so I waited until I found something I really liked. I am married and have 2 kids so even if I did not work and kept my FT nanny, I would still have something to do and things to take care of (volunteering at the kids’ school, enriching activities for the weekend, etc), but I would feel useless and soooo bored. Unless you two (PP and OP) are at home studying, writing books, or becoming experts at something, I could never imagine living in your emptiness. Again, I work because I want to and not because I need to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Well, that was long and I've probably lost everyone...but I do have a question for the people dragging me for not working. Did you marry your spouse because they would add to your bottom line? Or did you marry them because you wanted a partner to share life experiences with and because you enjoy their companionship? Isn't it possible that my husband could appreciate me for the non-financial value I add to his life? Or simply because I don't go out and bring home a paycheck, or because I didn't birth his child he can't really respect or love me? That seems like a pretty dim view on marriage doesn't it?

OP, don't worry about all these people dragging you for not working. They're jealous. All these people who say what do you all day, blah blah, you have no ambition, would never be working their tails off if they didn't need the money.

I'm in your situation except I'm not even married. My days aren't boring at all because I'm not the type who needs to be go, go, go all the time to feel fulfilled. Why would I work when I have the freedom to do the things I enjoy for pleasure all day long instead? Just to be able to say I went to an office? They just have to pretend to be horrified to make themselves feel better about having to be a part of the rat race. If they had the financial freedom they'd pick our lives too. All the ambition/purpose stuff is just a justification because they don't have the choice of leisure so they pretend they work because they are motivated people.

For all of you who can't imagine what you'd do with your day just imagine retirement, just early. You don't plan to work every day until you die, right? Imagine you won the lottery, would you stay at your job?

Wrong!!!! I could stay at home and do nothing if I wanted to. I took my time going to school, getting a PhD, looking for a job, etc. I am lucky to have enough family money where I did not NEED to work so I waited until I found something I really liked. I am married and have 2 kids so even if I did not work and kept my FT nanny, I would still have something to do and things to take care of (volunteering at the kids’ school, enriching activities for the weekend, etc), but I would feel useless and soooo bored. Unless you two (PP and OP) are at home studying, writing books, or becoming experts at something, I could never imagine living in your emptiness. Again, I work because I want to and not because I need to.

The difference is that YOU are a source of your own money, whether through work or family wealth. You don't have another adult bankrolling you, and you do not depend on your husband financially.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Are you independently wealthy, PP? Because if not, you are in a VERY precarious position that actually really concerns me for you. I do NOT say that out of jealousy (I don't look down on you or OP at all and agree that why work if you can avoid it?), but to take yourself out of the work force as an unmarried person is VERY risky. You are not contributing to social security, and you are not eligible to collect your partner's benefits either. I hope that you are about to be married or are independently wealthy.

Yup, got my mailbox money. Thanks for the concern.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Here...thanks again for those who posted thoughtful and honest replies, it makes taking the tough replies a little easier. Answers to what I'm hearing the most....

In re: does your husband seem happy?: Yes. Husband is happy with situation, but of course I want to be mindful of how he feels which is why I check in with him about this every so often and why I started this thread. As someone upthread mentioned, if you are going to be a housewife you have to be the best housewife. You'll just have to take my word for it but I think I am pretty damn good at it.

In re: Men don't want lazy, unambitious wives and You are a sad, boring, shell of a human with no purpose: I am educated and hardworking and am not a "lazy wildebeest" (that was a good one). I have a bachelor's degree and for the first 8 years of our marriage I out-earned my husband by double, so I didn't just waltz in and jump on the gravy train. I also didn't mention my hobbies or interests because it didn't seem germane to the question I was asking. But I have several interests/hobbies and friends/family that bring "purpose" to my life.

In re: I am bragging about my situation by posting here: Are you on crack?! I've read enough around these forums to know you don't come for a self-esteem boost. I legitimately wanted to hear about people's grievances because I want to be mindful of my situation and avoid doing anything that would cause resentment. As I said above my husband does seem happy, and tells me that he is...so I just wanted some outside perspective.

Well, that was long and I've probably lost everyone...but I do have a question for the people dragging me for not working. Did you marry your spouse because they would add to your bottom line? Or did you marry them because you wanted a partner to share life experiences with and because you enjoy their companionship? Isn't it possible that my husband could appreciate me for the non-financial value I add to his life? Or simply because I don't go out and bring home a paycheck, or because I didn't birth his child he can't really respect or love me? That seems like a pretty dim view on marriage doesn't it?

Hey, if both of you are happy, knock yourselves out. But, two things: (i) based on what you described, you aren't hardworking - not even close, and (ii) you aren't a partner. At least, not an equal partner. In law firm speak, you are the third year associate - someone who keeps things running smoothly, who the senior partner likes, and who performs a valuable function, but is in no way irreplaceable. You're the very definition of fungible.