Dating At 33 For Women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why wouldn’t you want to have at least one child?

Huge repsonsility and major life change, less focus on my career, lack of sleep, strain it puts on many marriages, worry of caring for another human life, etc. I’ve always been very nurturing but I don’t know if I have what it takes to be a mom. I feel a child will be more of a career ender than a gift at this point. I may change my mind, but the thought of having children right now is very overwhelming and dreadful.

Basically the OP as well but I'm 32. I also work long hours however I also have a 7-figure income level, more than worth the trade off.

My answer to this -

- I like my lifestyle - traveling when I want, staying in the best resorts, enjoying splurges
- I hate mess, my penthouse looks like a magazine cover
- I'm mostly an introvert and can't imagine being around someone or several someones with no 'down' time
- I have no interest in moving to the suburbs or a suburban area where the best schools are
- I like having a serious amount of disposable income and 529s, daycare, college tuition, and general kid care would not be amenable to that
- I enjoy sleep

The last one is really important. I didn't come to this conclusion without actually doing some research. I had one of my girlfriend's stay over with her 8-month old for 5 days and 5 nights. During that time the kid would not sleep unless he was moving, she had to either be walking him, pacing with him, driving, or put him in a stroller and hoofing it. If he wasn't crying about sleep or fussing for attention, it was nursing. Sure that's only 12 months roughly of day-and-night attention but its not like toddlers are any easier. Or tweens are better once they can run around the house or teens don't have attitudes.

I like my life. I don't want to mess it up.

But who will bury you?

I am not the PP, but who cares? I have kids but I do not expect them to necessarily be around for my old age. Yes, they will probably bury me, but most people have some other family or friends who can do it if they don’t have kids.

Many people care. Perhaps not specially about the actual burial, but in having close family around during old age.

[Anonymous]

A few things to think about, OP:

1. It is fun and fine to be single now, especially given your career. But when that slows down and you find time for your friends/social life, you’ll discover that everyone else your age is very deep into family formation, and you’ll be alone. Not the worst fate in the world but something to consider.

2. I agree with PP who said if you don’t want kids, don’t marry. Just find a long-term companion. Or focus on divorced guys who already have children. In my opinion, men who would make good husbands want children. Very rare is a decent guy who wants to be married but not a father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why wouldn’t you want to have at least one child?

Huge repsonsility and major life change, less focus on my career, lack of sleep, strain it puts on many marriages, worry of caring for another human life, etc. I’ve always been very nurturing but I don’t know if I have what it takes to be a mom. I feel a child will be more of a career ender than a gift at this point. I may change my mind, but the thought of having children right now is very overwhelming and dreadful.

Basically the OP as well but I'm 32. I also work long hours however I also have a 7-figure income level, more than worth the trade off.

My answer to this -

- I like my lifestyle - traveling when I want, staying in the best resorts, enjoying splurges
- I hate mess, my penthouse looks like a magazine cover
- I'm mostly an introvert and can't imagine being around someone or several someones with no 'down' time
- I have no interest in moving to the suburbs or a suburban area where the best schools are
- I like having a serious amount of disposable income and 529s, daycare, college tuition, and general kid care would not be amenable to that
- I enjoy sleep

The last one is really important. I didn't come to this conclusion without actually doing some research. I had one of my girlfriend's stay over with her 8-month old for 5 days and 5 nights. During that time the kid would not sleep unless he was moving, she had to either be walking him, pacing with him, driving, or put him in a stroller and hoofing it. If he wasn't crying about sleep or fussing for attention, it was nursing. Sure that's only 12 months roughly of day-and-night attention but its not like toddlers are any easier. Or tweens are better once they can run around the house or teens don't have attitudes.

I like my life. I don't want to mess it up.

But who will bury you?

I am not the PP, but who cares? I have kids but I do not expect them to necessarily be around for my old age. Yes, they will probably bury me, but most people have some other family or friends who can do it if they don’t have kids.

Many people care. Perhaps not specially about the actual burial, but in having close family around during old age.

One peek in the Family Relationships forum tells us this is NEVER a guarantee.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A few things to think about, OP:

1. It is fun and fine to be single now, especially given your career. But when that slows down and you find time for your friends/social life, you’ll discover that everyone else your age is very deep into family formation, and you’ll be alone. Not the worst fate in the world but something to consider.

2. I agree with PP who said if you don’t want kids, don’t marry. Just find a long-term companion. Or focus on divorced guys who already have children. In my opinion, men who would make good husbands want children. Very rare is a decent guy who wants to be married but not a father.

Exactly what data or experience do you have to support #2?

[Anonymous]

Despite infertility, over 80% of American women in their 40's have given birth to at least one child. If it were me, I would strongly consider moving close to my mother (for help) and go shopping at the sperm bank for some impressive genes-- it's a miracle of modern science. Take control! Finding a honey can come later; you should be a mom now when you're close to peak energy.

[Anonymous]

Op, it's fine to not want to have kids. For me, it was a priority. I basically upended my life to work on finding a like-minded partner and have kids and it worked out. My sister was ambivalent, but hasn't married and now very much enjoys being an aunt, and that experience has shown her that having kids is not for her. She loves her life as it is, and wouldn't want to make the changes needed to have kids. And that's fine! Having kids is not for everyone. I hope you can weed through the nuttiness a thread like this will attract and get that message.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like you do want kids, you are just afraid if losing meaning as a professional. Let me tell you that it's totally possible to outspurce a lot of childcare know the very early years. You just need an amazingly living nanny and husband. Once they're a bit older (4+), it gets so much easier. Also, many men wouldn't mind bring the primary caregiver. My husband is one of them. Don't sell yourself short because you've been told you should only have one or the other. Kids are resilient and adaptable and you sound like a very mature, responsible person. Your age is perfect. I met my husband at 32 and had a kid at 36. I'm now 38 and we're about to have another. I also have an intense job. Not quite 80 hours (more like 60) but enough that I only spend 1.5 hours per day with my kid during the week and 6-7 per day on the weekends. It replaced my time seeing girlfriends one one one for the most part (now we bring the kids). But it is doable and very rewarding. You don't have to stop being you to have kids. Just thought you may want to hear another perspective. (Ignore the haters who are likely to follow up in this post... My kid and family and career are all doing great.)

[Anonymous]

*amazingly loving nanny

Sorry for all the typos!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds like you do want kids, you are just afraid if losing meaning as a professional. Let me tell you that it's totally possible to outspurce a lot of childcare know the very early years. You just need an amazingly living nanny and husband. Once they're a bit older (4+), it gets so much easier. Also, many men wouldn't mind bring the primary caregiver. My husband is one of them. Don't sell yourself short because you've been told you should only have one or the other. Kids are resilient and adaptable and you sound like a very mature, responsible person. Your age is perfect. I met my husband at 32 and had a kid at 36. I'm now 38 and we're about to have another. I also have an intense job. Not quite 80 hours (more like 60) but enough that I only spend 1.5 hours per day with my kid during the week and 6-7 per day on the weekends. It replaced my time seeing girlfriends one one one for the most part (now we bring the kids). But it is doable and very rewarding. You don't have to stop being you to have kids. Just thought you may want to hear another perspective. (Ignore the haters who are likely to follow up in this post... My kid and family and career are all doing great.)

+1. It’s ok to not want kids, it’s ok to want to dial back for kids, it’s ok to be unsure at 33, but if you decide you want both a big, demanding career and kids, there are ways to do that too. Takes some careful thought and planning to have the right resources but one amazing thing is the extent to which women are willing to share tips and help each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A few things to think about, OP:

1. It is fun and fine to be single now, especially given your career. But when that slows down and you find time for your friends/social life, you’ll discover that everyone else your age is very deep into family formation, and you’ll be alone. Not the worst fate in the world but something to consider.

2. I agree with PP who said if you don’t want kids, don’t marry. Just find a long-term companion. Or focus on divorced guys who already have children. In my opinion, men who would make good husbands want children. Very rare is a decent guy who wants to be married but not a father.

I generally agree with these wise observations.

[Anonymous]

Very rare is a decent guy who wants to be married but not a father.

I know not-recently-married couples without kids. I've always assumed it was a joint decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Very rare is a decent guy who wants to be married but not a father.

I know not-recently-married couples without kids. I've always assumed it was a joint decision.

I would never assume...I have a close friend married for nearly 4 years trying desperately for a baby during the last 3 years with no luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A few things to think about, OP:

1. It is fun and fine to be single now, especially given your career. But when that slows down and you find time for your friends/social life, you’ll discover that everyone else your age is very deep into family formation, and you’ll be alone. Not the worst fate in the world but something to consider.

2. I agree with PP who said if you don’t want kids, don’t marry. Just find a long-term companion. Or focus on divorced guys who already have children. In my opinion, men who would make good husbands want children. Very rare is a decent guy who wants to be married but not a father.

I generally agree with these wise observations.

I am 38 and childless and despite many of my friends having families, they still have time to do other things. I also have several friends who are single, or childless, or both at this age. You live in a bubble and stop being such a fatalist to OP. Life isn’t over if she stays single/childless.

[Anonymous]

I think the ideal situation is to marry a guy with kids already. You get the fun perks of kids but not the responsibilities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Why? You live in or near a city where - three of the potus's top advisors are female, three of the supreme court are female, and a good number of CEOs and law partners are powerful women, but it escapes your tiny mind that a woman could a) exercise the thought process to succeed in life, and b) desire to not have kids?

Has it escaped _your_ tiny mind that statistically speaking, women want kids, including some of those CEOs?

The vast majority of women want kids. And the vast, vast majority of those who think they don’t change their mind.

I'm guessing that's what every person tells a successful woman. There's nothing wrong with not having children or desiring to have them at an 'optimal' time. If I do change my mind, guess what - I have the resources to do whatever the hell I desire.

Maybe, maybe not.

+1. Please inform yourself and don't be so smug...you most certainly can not throw money at this and get "whatever the hell you desire". You cannot fight biology. Sure, maybe you'll be lucky and eventually have success with IVF in your forties...but just as possible, you will not have sufficient quality eggs by then, and/or your body will refuse to carry a pregnancy to term. Maybe someone would be willing to choose a middle-aged career woman as an adoptive parent...but that is unlikely given all the other options they will have. Don't be smut and don't take your fertility for granted - if you are in your 30s and know you want kids, you're dumb to wait. Dumb.