Dating At 33 For Women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the ideal situation is to marry a guy with kids already. You get the fun perks of kids but not the responsibilities.

That's actually a good point, PO. And will open up your potential dating pool a lot, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A few things to think about, OP:

1. It is fun and fine to be single now, especially given your career. But when that slows down and you find time for your friends/social life, you’ll discover that everyone else your age is very deep into family formation, and you’ll be alone. Not the worst fate in the world but something to consider.

2. I agree with PP who said if you don’t want kids, don’t marry. Just find a long-term companion. Or focus on divorced guys who already have children. In my opinion, men who would make good husbands want children. Very rare is a decent guy who wants to be married but not a father.

I generally agree with these wise observations.

+2, actually. When I first read that I got mock-offended at number 2, but in fact it's true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A few things to think about, OP:

1. It is fun and fine to be single now, especially given your career. But when that slows down and you find time for your friends/social life, you’ll discover that everyone else your age is very deep into family formation, and you’ll be alone. Not the worst fate in the world but something to consider.

2. I agree with PP who said if you don’t want kids, don’t marry. Just find a long-term companion. Or focus on divorced guys who already have children. In my opinion, men who would make good husbands want children. Very rare is a decent guy who wants to be married but not a father.

I generally agree with these wise observations.

+2, actually. When I first read that I got mock-offended at number 2, but in fact it's true.

#1 is offbase. There is no shortage of single childless women of all ages to bicycle through the Gobi Desert with. A woman can certainly arrange to be not alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds like you do want kids, you are just afraid if losing meaning as a professional. Let me tell you that it's totally possible to outspurce a lot of childcare know the very early years. You just need an amazingly living nanny and husband. Once they're a bit older (4+), it gets so much easier. Also, many men wouldn't mind bring the primary caregiver. My husband is one of them. Don't sell yourself short because you've been told you should only have one or the other. Kids are resilient and adaptable and you sound like a very mature, responsible person. Your age is perfect. I met my husband at 32 and had a kid at 36. I'm now 38 and we're about to have another. I also have an intense job. Not quite 80 hours (more like 60) but enough that I only spend 1.5 hours per day with my kid during the week and 6-7 per day on the weekends. It replaced my time seeing girlfriends one one one for the most part (now we bring the kids). But it is doable and very rewarding. You don't have to stop being you to have kids. Just thought you may want to hear another perspective. (Ignore the haters who are likely to follow up in this post... My kid and family and career are all doing great.)

Op here. I really don’t know if I do want kids. I have a lot of nieces and nephews. I love the bond my sinsolings have with them, but I also see how hard it is to raise children. I don’t know if thats is for me. Right now I am focused on getting my career finished. I am not a workaholic as some have described me. When you’re in residency, you don’t chose what hours and how many hours you work. I chose this profession because I truly love helping people. It’s my way of helping give back, and feel like I’ve made some contribution to make seociety better.

If I did chose to have child, it would be in fellowship or post fellowship. I am also not opposed to adoption. I do know I do not want a child unless I have a solid marriage. I have seen too many issues in my family by having children too young, some out of wedlock, and some financially and emotionally not ready. I don’t want to bring a child into this world unless I can raise them in a comfortable home with two loving parents.

[Anonymous]

The problem is... let's say there's a great guy out there who is your age, a little older than you. He wants someone smart and ambitious. He's open to having kids, maybe not right away, just like you.

But, the problem is your competition...in this city, there are educated women who are already settled into decent careers by 33 that work, say, 45 hours a week with good benefits (including good maternity leave), not 80. They have time to get to know another person before having kids at 35-36. If a guy wanted to marry someone smart and ambitious and keep open the possibility to have kids in a few years, that would be a better option.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think people want to marry someone who is “not sure” if they want kids or not. Too much left to chance. What if later one partner decides they do and the other partner decides they don’t?

I couldn’t marry someone who didn’t already agree with my preference, whichever it was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think people want to marry someone who is “not sure” if they want kids or not. Too much left to chance. What if later one partner decides they do and the other partner decides they don’t?

I couldn’t marry someone who didn’t already agree with my preference, whichever it was.

This. People looking to get married in their 30s usually already know if they want kids. Saying "I'm not sure and want to put off even making a decision until I'm in my late 30s" is a turnoff, because it makes the chances for friction, disappointment, etc. in the marriage way higher.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think people want to marry someone who is “not sure” if they want kids or not. Too much left to chance. What if later one partner decides they do and the other partner decides they don’t?

I couldn’t marry someone who didn’t already agree with my preference, whichever it was.

This. People looking to get married in their 30s usually already know if they want kids. Saying "I'm not sure and want to put off even making a decision until I'm in my late 30s" is a turnoff, because it makes the chances for friction, disappointment, etc. in the marriage way higher.

Jesus Christ, she's working 80 hours a week. When that stops, she can actually start thinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think people want to marry someone who is “not sure” if they want kids or not. Too much left to chance. What if later one partner decides they do and the other partner decides they don’t?

I couldn’t marry someone who didn’t already agree with my preference, whichever it was.

This. People looking to get married in their 30s usually already know if they want kids. Saying "I'm not sure and want to put off even making a decision until I'm in my late 30s" is a turnoff, because it makes the chances for friction, disappointment, etc. in the marriage way higher.

Jesus Christ, she's working 80 hours a week. When that stops, she can actually start thinking.

So some guy is just going to wait around for her to "start thinking" in her late 30s?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think people want to marry someone who is “not sure” if they want kids or not. Too much left to chance. What if later one partner decides they do and the other partner decides they don’t?

I couldn’t marry someone who didn’t already agree with my preference, whichever it was.

This. People looking to get married in their 30s usually already know if they want kids. Saying "I'm not sure and want to put off even making a decision until I'm in my late 30s" is a turnoff, because it makes the chances for friction, disappointment, etc. in the marriage way higher.

Jesus Christ, she's working 80 hours a week. When that stops, she can actually start thinking.

And dating seriously, because if you aren't capable of thinking about the future and are working 80 hours a week, you aren't good to date seriously anyway.

[Anonymous]

And that's insane too

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the ideal situation is to marry a guy with kids already. You get the fun perks of kids but not the responsibilities.[i]

That's actually a good point, PO. And will open up your potential dating pool a lot, OP.

I think its hilarious that either of you think a young, ambitious woman, a doctor no less, wants the baggage of a man with kids. Fun perks?! What fun perks lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think people want to marry someone who is “not sure” if they want kids or not. Too much left to chance. What if later one partner decides they do and the other partner decides they don’t?

I couldn’t marry someone who didn’t already agree with my preference, whichever it was.

This. People looking to get married in their 30s usually already know if they want kids. Saying "I'm not sure and want to put off even making a decision until I'm in my late 30s" is a turnoff, because it makes the chances for friction, disappointment, etc. in the marriage way higher.

Unless the OP can find a guy that is equally ambivalent about children and would be fine either way. I do think being willing to date divorced dads would open up the dating pool somewhat, take the pressure off her having more kids (assuming he is open to more children), and maybe help a little wth her busy schedule because presumably he will be busy between work and shared custody.

[Anonymous]

As a divorced dad, I can say that the only never-married no-kids women who I've dated for any length of time have very busy lives of their own and they like that we can jump in and out of each other's schedule as time permits.

For OP, that doesn't have to be a divorced dad, but could also be a guy with a similar career, which would probably work better for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a divorced dad, I can say that the only never-married no-kids women who I've dated for any length of time have very busy lives of their own and they like that we can jump in and out of each other's schedule as time permits.

For OP, that doesn't have to be a divorced dad, but could also be a guy with a similar career, which would probably work better for her.

The problem is men who work those hours in stressful conditions often want someone who can take care of things "at home" or are guaranteed to be around when they are off and therefore isn't working those hours. When are two 80-hour a week workers even going to have time together? They would be like two ships in the night at most.