WWYD? Serious BF dropped a bombshell on me

[Anonymous]

Stop the SAHM drama. This isn't the issue.

The guy is trying to work out his childhood issues with the next generation. That's a bad, bad sign. He's 40 years old and hasn't dealt with these things is a bad, bad sign.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop the SAHM drama. This isn't the issue.

The guy is trying to work out his childhood issues with the next generation. That's a bad, bad sign. He's 40 years old and hasn't dealt with these things is a bad, bad sign.

+1. Avoid guys with daddy issues.

[Anonymous]

I didn't read the whole thread, but my boyfriend said the same thing. We got married, had a baby and then he changed his tune completely. I never stayed home.

[Anonymous]

Guess I’m not seeing the shock here. This is one of his apparently many old fashioned values. Only you can know if it’s too old fashioned for you. It is also a reasonably common value amongst finance guys – at least the ones who marry when older – from what I recall of my NYC days. The older guys have made a ton of money and like their lifestyle – they may want a family but do not want their life to change. They know if they marry a wife who is a professional with her own career – she’ll have some late nights, business trips, or even if not she’ll come home tired from work; they do not want to deal with these things. They throw their money around as a – if you get with me – you don’t have to worry about work; and it’s an offering that works as we can see from DCUM, there are TONS of women dying to not have to work. It’s different amongst younger finance guys bc they may be marrying a high school or college sweetheart that they sort of “grew up” with -- she’s likely shared her dreams over the years and they aren’t going to break her heart bc they don’t want to have to come straight home from work once in a while bc their wife has to work a late night. It’s different when you’re 40 and meet the love of your life on match – you aren’t as invested in what she wants as what you want bc you don’t know her the same way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop the SAHM drama. This isn't the issue.

The guy is trying to work out his childhood issues with the next generation. That's a bad, bad sign. He's 40 years old and hasn't dealt with these things is a bad, bad sign.

+1. Avoid guys with daddy issues.

Hmm I have a more compassionate take. Who doesn't want to learn from experience? He wants to be a good provider. He is saying it is deeply meaningful to him to succeed at this and nurture his family by providing them with all the means for a good life, where his father didn't have the virtues to do that.

Speak to his desire to provide, which is really honorable. He would probably be fine with his DW taking up charitable, benevolent work because it sounds like that's in the neighborhood of where he is coming from - that's the good life for him: to be honorable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop the SAHM drama. This isn't the issue.

The guy is trying to work out his childhood issues with the next generation. That's a bad, bad sign. He's 40 years old and hasn't dealt with these things is a bad, bad sign.

+1. Avoid guys with daddy issues.

Hmm I have a more compassionate take. Who doesn't want to learn from experience? He wants to be a good provider. He is saying it is deeply meaningful to him to succeed at this and nurture his family by providing them with all the means for a good life, where his father didn't have the virtues to do that.

Speak to his desire to provide, which is really honorable. He would probably be fine with his DW taking up charitable, benevolent work because it sounds like that's in the neighborhood of where he is coming from - that's the good life for him: to be honorable.

Thar's not compassion that's codependency. Men are not projects pp. Lots of people have messed up childhoods that's not the dealbreaker the deal breaker is that h hasn't done the work. It's a problem and will be a problem even if he does end up getting that SAH wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So things have been getting serious with my BF. Dating 6 months, checks all the right boxes: handsome, intelligent, ambitious, hard worker, kind, etc. My parents and friends adore him. I really thought he was the one. Recently he told me that if he had children, he’d want the mother to quit working and be a SAHM full time. He said it means a lot to him as he had a less than stellar childhood (dad abandoned them, money issues, moved around a lot). Reading between the lines, I guess he wants a chance at a redo? Idk. I didn’t really understand the explanation fully but I do get the sense that it’s a deal breaker. It’s really thrown me though as I don’t see myself SAH.

He’s a great guy. Owns his own business, does well. Very good looking, fit, works out, has charming old fashioned values (opens the door, pays for dates, always calls or texts when he says he is going to, brings my mom flowers, treats his mom like gold, etc.). What to do? I’m 31. My career isn’t everything to me but it does give me an important sense of purpose and identity. Anyone else experience this? How did you handle it?

To be honest, I think you're reading too much into it. He hasn't proposed, you aren't married, or pregnant. What makes you think he meant you specifically? Wait until he tells you that he wants YOU to stay home with YOUR children and then have a conversation. Right now you're putting the cart before the horse. There's literally nothing in what you wrote that invites such navel-gazing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If this guy was 28, I’d shrug it off. Often young guys are trying to figure out what a family will look like and the most appealing alternative becomes a Brady Bunch/Waltons kind of scenario; yet they aren’t wedded to that as much as they say. You can usually just talk with them to get some comfort that when the time comes, you two would work together to find the work/home balance that works – and then let it go until there is a pregnancy.

But OP’s dude is 40. At that age he has had a LOT of time to envision his family life and he’s not getting any more flexible. From what OP has said, he is likely thinking (i) I had an effed up family and the best families I knew where the ones where dad made all the money and mom raised the kids full time and that’s what my kids will have; and (ii) I bust my ass to make 900k/yr (that’s what upper 6 figures suggests to me), I will NOT come home to no hot meal on the table, an unclean house or dirty kids and I will NOT be getting up in the middle of the night to a crying kid or to change diapers; I will make the money and my wife will handle those things.

Let’s be real OP -- a guy who is rich, nice, and attractive and 40 has had chances to settle down; chances are he has broken it off with women before who don’t fit his vision for family life. Honestly, I’d bring this up with him very directly. Don’t beat around the bush but one night when you’re sitting around – just bring it up and raise all the scenarios. What if I wanted to go back to work after babies? What about the fact that I’ve put x years into my career and if I leave it, I won’t be able to get back in 18 yrs later? What if I’m unhappy as a SAHM? See what he says (and what he doesn’t say but implies). If he doesn’t even want to work thru these scenarios and takes the tone of (i) I make a LOT of money you don’t have to work, you can just run an etsy shop and be a PTA mom; or (ii) kids needs their mom – you’re the woman, that’s just the way it is so deal – then you know that while he may be a great guy, he isn’t a great guy for you.

NP here - I think that this is great advice. As someone who is kind of flexible on this topic - ideally I’d like to work pt, but would rather sah than woh - I would still find this guy’s pronouncement more than a little bit unnerving. There’s lots of different ways to make a family work, but it should be a joint decision between the spouses, and what is a great situation right now might change 5-10 years down the road. But if he starts out making all of the major decisions without your input, I don’t know that power imbalance is ever gonna change. However, maybe he’s a lot more open minded than he sounded from the initial conversation - it’s definitely worth a follow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop the SAHM drama. This isn't the issue.

The guy is trying to work out his childhood issues with the next generation. That's a bad, bad sign. He's 40 years old and hasn't dealt with these things is a bad, bad sign.

That's OP's projection, nothing else. For all you know, it maybe an equivalent of saying my house didn't have many books growing up and I'd like a house with lots of books. He is allowed to have preferences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So things have been getting serious with my BF. Dating 6 months, checks all the right boxes: handsome, intelligent, ambitious, hard worker, kind, etc. My parents and friends adore him. I really thought he was the one. Recently he told me that if he had children, he’d want the mother to quit working and be a SAHM full time. He said it means a lot to him as he had a less than stellar childhood (dad abandoned them, money issues, moved around a lot). Reading between the lines, I guess he wants a chance at a redo? Idk. I didn’t really understand the explanation fully but I do get the sense that it’s a deal breaker. It’s really thrown me though as I don’t see myself SAH.

He’s a great guy. Owns his own business, does well. Very good looking, fit, works out, has charming old fashioned values (opens the door, pays for dates, always calls or texts when he says he is going to, brings my mom flowers, treats his mom like gold, etc.). What to do? I’m 31. My career isn’t everything to me but it does give me an important sense of purpose and identity. Anyone else experience this? How did you handle it?

Do you want children?
Who would be their primary caregiver?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If this guy was 28, I’d shrug it off. Often young guys are trying to figure out what a family will look like and the most appealing alternative becomes a Brady Bunch/Waltons kind of scenario; yet they aren’t wedded to that as much as they say. You can usually just talk with them to get some comfort that when the time comes, you two would work together to find the work/home balance that works – and then let it go until there is a pregnancy.

But OP’s dude is 40. At that age he has had a LOT of time to envision his family life and he’s not getting any more flexible. From what OP has said, he is likely thinking (i) I had an effed up family and the best families I knew where the ones where dad made all the money and mom raised the kids full time and that’s what my kids will have; and (ii) I bust my ass to make 900k/yr (that’s what upper 6 figures suggests to me), I will NOT come home to no hot meal on the table, an unclean house or dirty kids and I will NOT be getting up in the middle of the night to a crying kid or to change diapers; I will make the money and my wife will handle those things.

Let’s be real OP -- a guy who is rich, nice, and attractive and 40 has had chances to settle down; chances are he has broken it off with women before who don’t fit his vision for family life. Honestly, I’d bring this up with him very directly. Don’t beat around the bush but one night when you’re sitting around – just bring it up and raise all the scenarios. What if I wanted to go back to work after babies? What about the fact that I’ve put x years into my career and if I leave it, I won’t be able to get back in 18 yrs later? What if I’m unhappy as a SAHM? See what he says (and what he doesn’t say but implies). If he doesn’t even want to work thru these scenarios and takes the tone of (i) I make a LOT of money you don’t have to work, you can just run an etsy shop and be a PTA mom; or (ii) kids needs their mom – you’re the woman, that’s just the way it is so deal – then you know that while he may be a great guy, he isn’t a great guy for you.

If he really makes 900K/year, the OP can have a clean house, hot meals and clean kids without lifting a finger. You get staff to handle that.

[Anonymous]

Should it matter at all IF you can find a sitter who is stable, competent and loving?

Most sitters simply aren't. And let's not get into
"The Hell of American Daycare".

Will your family help you with your babies?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this guy was 28, I’d shrug it off. Often young guys are trying to figure out what a family will look like and the most appealing alternative becomes a Brady Bunch/Waltons kind of scenario; yet they aren’t wedded to that as much as they say. You can usually just talk with them to get some comfort that when the time comes, you two would work together to find the work/home balance that works – and then let it go until there is a pregnancy.

But OP’s dude is 40. At that age he has had a LOT of time to envision his family life and he’s not getting any more flexible. From what OP has said, he is likely thinking (i) I had an effed up family and the best families I knew where the ones where dad made all the money and mom raised the kids full time and that’s what my kids will have; and (ii) I bust my ass to make 900k/yr (that’s what upper 6 figures suggests to me), I will NOT come home to no hot meal on the table, an unclean house or dirty kids and I will NOT be getting up in the middle of the night to a crying kid or to change diapers; I will make the money and my wife will handle those things.

Let’s be real OP -- a guy who is rich, nice, and attractive and 40 has had chances to settle down; chances are he has broken it off with women before who don’t fit his vision for family life. Honestly, I’d bring this up with him very directly. Don’t beat around the bush but one night when you’re sitting around – just bring it up and raise all the scenarios. What if I wanted to go back to work after babies? What about the fact that I’ve put x years into my career and if I leave it, I won’t be able to get back in 18 yrs later? What if I’m unhappy as a SAHM? See what he says (and what he doesn’t say but implies). If he doesn’t even want to work thru these scenarios and takes the tone of (i) I make a LOT of money you don’t have to work, you can just run an etsy shop and be a PTA mom; or (ii) kids needs their mom – you’re the woman, that’s just the way it is so deal – then you know that while he may be a great guy, he isn’t a great guy for you.

If he really makes 900K/year, the OP can have a clean house, hot meals and clean kids without lifting a finger. You get staff to handle that.

I know a law firm partner making that much who insists the cooking and child rearing MUST be done by the wife - no outsourcing. I don't think she is required to clean the 6 bedroom 8 bathroom mansion though. Similar to OPs man -- an "old fashioned" 45 yr old who also appears to control the money so it's not like the wife can hire help without his knowledge.

[Anonymous]

Don’t sign a prenup. If he wants you to give up your career and earning potential he’s got to give you and insurance policy.

[Anonymous]

Op, these are important values that he has. You must be honest and tell him how very different you are.

Marriage between you both will NOT work out for either one of you. You should have brought this up much sooner.

Why didn't you?