Parents building a vacation home
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Anonymous
I get that your ILs are thinking "bunk room! perfect solution" so that they can fit as many family members in the house as possible. I also consider myself to be a fairly laid back person who enjoys spending time with her ILs and isn't a snob about where I stay. But...I hate, hate, hate the sound of people snoring. That many adults in one room guarantees at least one person will be snoring. No way in hell would I commit to spending a week with a snorer/a week of no sleep. Not happening. |
Anonymous
| OMG, bunk rooms, ugh. Good only on Pinterest. |
Anonymous
Why is that bizarre? A lot of us don't want parents and inlaws together for every holiday. It's also hard on the grandkids trying to figure out who to spend time with |
Anonymous
NP. This was the first thing I thought of reading the original post. The ILs refuse to see their adult children and their spouses as adults, hence the bunkroom and imperious decree that everyone will spend every holiday there. Zero sense that adults, with their own complicated lives, are involved here. |
Anonymous
OP here. I agree and just never thought of it this way. I think this really sums up my feelings about other things as well. I want to assert our own family's independence, vacations, holidays, you name it. DH and I got together very young and it was easy for us to just go along with what they did. Our lives have changed so much in 15 years and now we're crazy busy, have children, weird schedules and inlaws haven't helped or bent how they do things at all. |
Anonymous
| OP, Your ILs are imagining a certain life This vision is bringing them joy. It's not quite as important if it actually happens very often. They want to know it could happen. All "the kids" could visit together, and it would be like they are hosting camp. Meanwhile they can show-off their new house to their (same age) friends and talk of all the togetherness they will share with you, their children, and their grandchildren. Whether it happens very often is less important. But also realize that even though you don't think it's fun, someone might. Out of all those family members, those little ones will grow up and a few are likely to cherish those memories as special. It's likely to strike the right chord with a few. |
Anonymous
x10000 Exactly why so many people refuse the family "vacation". |
Anonymous
So every time a baby wakes up, they wake all the other babies up? No thanks. |
Anonymous
Op stays several days, overnight at the in-laws. It absolutely is not bizarre that Op's parents are not invited to sleep over at the in-law's house. |
Anonymous
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It sounds like even if you had your own room or even floor, you still wouldn't want to be going there for every holiday or a week every year. So I wouldn't really raise the bunk room issue if they have time to change the plans. Because if they *do* change the plans at your request, then you are obligated since you are implying that this is the issue.
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Anonymous
+1 Let it go, and don't show up. NBD. |
Anonymous
Hey, OP. I'm the poster you're quoting and I so understand where you're coming from! We also married young and I'm convinced the only thing that saved us was living far away in a remote community the first few years we were married. At least in our case we were able to establish our identity separate from our parents; the fact that we frequently got significant snow that made travel from November to April made it so much easier to not travel for holidays. We too are now in our mid 30s and sometimes it is very clear that our parents still don't see us as adults. That our younger sibling all suffer from "failure to launch" to some degree doesn't help. We have to be very strong holding the line and not caving to "but but but!" demands. We (finally) have a baby and all the parents have just assumed we'll spend Christmas with them. First, ha ha ha, NO, we are spending Christmas day at home exactly as we have for every single Christmas we have been married. Second, my parents are together, but the ILs are divorced. All 3 sets are scattered around. It is simply not possible, and frankly I'm irritated they just assumed we'd come to them, with no discussion. So now we have to "break their heart" and tell them no. They're laying the guilt on thick. We're still not travelling for the holiday. They're the ones creating elaborate fantasies with zero basis in reality. It's their problem. |
Anonymous
Yep, it happens. My parents think I'm a kid who can't think for herself. I'm 37. I'm raising two kids, one of whom has special needs, and generally doing a good job of adulting. |
Anonymous
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My parents' summer house has a bunkhouse. It's separate from the main house, which has several proper bedrooms. As kids we loved sleeping in the bunkhouse. As adults, we never sleep in the bunkhouse but the grandkids are dumped in there and it's all very civilized. But this particular set up that the OP's inlaws are building is quite bizarre. I'm also assuming they're building the house without a mortgage as I don't see any bank giving a mortgage for a one-bedroom house with a massive bunkhouse. Something like that would be quite difficult to sell.
I would be saying a flat out no to every invitation unless we could stay in a hotel or rent a house nearby. DH could take the kids for a few days but I'm staying home. |
Anonymous
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You have to say something.
More specifically, your husband has to talk to his siblings and together they need to say something. Your ILs are sending you the plans for their house and telling you they're building this room for you. To smile now and say nothing is to de facto agree to their plans. It doesn't have to be awkward - but there will be resentment and hurt feelings if nobody stays in the bunk room - especially if all of you continue saying nothing to keep the peace. DH could email them something like the following: Dear mom and dad, I looked at the plans for the house and its a very cool design! The bunk room will be really fun for the kids when they're older. What a great place for the cousins to get together at camp grandparents! We're looking forward to coming to visit but will need to stay at a hotel while there since the adults will need privacy and the toddlers are on a schedule. Love, DH If the ILs push back about the whole family staying at the bunk room, then DH can explain that he's uncomfortable sleeping and getting dressed in the same room as his brother's wife, etc. that as adults you need privacy, etc. |