Parents building a vacation home

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The ONLY way i would do this is if it were either each family got their own room or the men and boys had their own space so did the women and girls.
I am not changing my tampon with my BIL in the next stall and then sleeping next to me. Nope.
I also don't want my preteen daughters walking in on BIL getting out of the shower. It isn't creepy but totally not comfortable at all.

You need to let them know that while you will love to visit, the house they are building and the future they are envisioning with it won't be reality. You need to get the Siblings and other inlaws on board to back you up that every holiday will NOT be spent in a barracks. Nope. Not gonna happen.

If they want to take all the grandkids for a week a summer up there, more power to them.

You sound loud and obnoxious.

I think that pp sounds like a straight shooter to me. Up front and to the point....which is what Op's dh needs to be with his parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The ONLY way i would do this is if it were either each family got their own room or the men and boys had their own space so did the women and girls.
I am not changing my tampon with my BIL in the next stall and then sleeping next to me. Nope.
I also don't want my preteen daughters walking in on BIL getting out of the shower. It isn't creepy but totally not comfortable at all.

You need to let them know that while you will love to visit, the house they are building and the future they are envisioning with it won't be reality. You need to get the Siblings and other inlaws on board to back you up that every holiday will NOT be spent in a barracks. Nope. Not gonna happen.

If they want to take all the grandkids for a week a summer up there, more power to them.

Yeah, this is not a great set up on a lot of levels. Even the idea of these grandparents having all of the grandchildren there for a week over the summer may be a bit premature. obviously, the kids are too young right now to be left alone in a room like that. When they are older, who knows if the cousins will even get along with each other or if the grandparents will be capable of supervising them all for any length of time.

I suppose you could make it work on some level by staying nearby in another rental property or hotel and hanging out at the their house during the day. But is that really how you want to spend your time, vacation leave and money every holiday?

Absolutely not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ILs bought a 2 BR, 2 BR condo near a beach and fully expected my family of five to join them regularly (and bring a friend) for family fun.

Semi-workable when our DC’s were preschoolers and ES age, when rolling out a sleeping bag at the foot of your parents’ bed and sleeping on the couch was ok. Now that our kids are teens (and two over six feet tall), yeah. Privacy and a good night sleep are major considerations.

Occasionally our family goes to the condo, but I never want to all bunk in together with ILs. Claustrophobic and zero relaxation.

My ILs were just as idealistic and in some ways still are.

Same, except it was a 2-bedroom timeshare in Mexico, and it was to be shared with our parents, 3 adult siblings and their spouses, and our baby

[Anonymous]

Your DH's should discuss with them, very directly, your families likely visiting schedule. Then - - you just have to put up with their enthusiasm, even if it's misguided.

[Anonymous]

Those bunk style homes are horrible!

We stayed in one that my in-laws booked, but thankfully the bunk area was just for the kids. The house also had 4 normal bedrooms on the main and basement floor. However, good luck getting the kids to sleep when their room is totally open and they can hear every little thing going on down below.

I'd be upfront and tell them that the bunk style isn't appealing and you don't see your family visiting that often.

[Anonymous]

Your DH really needs to step up and say something. Otherwise you are misleading them by your silence. They share these plans, your DH just smiles so they don't know your family isn't in agreement, then when it is built and they've spent a couple hundred thou on it, you say, "actually we aren't going to come?" I'd be VERY pissed if I was the ILs, at that point.

Tell them now! Then if they go ahead and do it, you can shrug and say "but we told you we weren't going to spend our vacations there before you built it."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The ONLY way i would do this is if it were either each family got their own room or the men and boys had their own space so did the women and girls.
I am not changing my tampon with my BIL in the next stall and then sleeping next to me. Nope.
I also don't want my preteen daughters walking in on BIL getting out of the shower. It isn't creepy but totally not comfortable at all.

You need to let them know that while you will love to visit, the house they are building and the future they are envisioning with it won't be reality. You need to get the Siblings and other inlaws on board to back you up that every holiday will NOT be spent in a barracks. Nope. Not gonna happen.

If they want to take all the grandkids for a week a summer up there, more power to them.

Yeah, this is not a great set up on a lot of levels. Even the idea of these grandparents having all of the grandchildren there for a week over the summer may be a bit premature. obviously, the kids are too young right now to be left alone in a room like that. When they are older, who knows if the cousins will even get along with each other or if the grandparents will be capable of supervising them all for any length of time.

I suppose you could make it work on some level by staying nearby in another rental property or hotel and hanging out at the their house during the day. But is that really how you want to spend your time, vacation leave and money every holiday?

This could be a nice way to raise the issue. "How exciting your new house plans are done! We will look into the closest rental properties so we can stay close by whenever we come to visit. We want to be walkable so we can spend as much time with you all during the day as possible!" Then if they press, you could gently point out the communal living situation isn't feasible with multiple families visiting at once who need privacy, have different sleep schedules for young children, etc.? I don't know... I feel for you! It's tough to have these conversations, but you should at least put your in-laws on notice you have no plans to stay here before this house is done!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DH really needs to step up and say something. Otherwise you are misleading them by your silence. They share these plans, your DH just smiles so they don't know your family isn't in agreement, then when it is built and they've spent a couple hundred thou on it, you say, "actually we aren't going to come?" I'd be VERY pissed if I was the ILs, at that point.

Tell them now! Then if they go ahead and do it, you can shrug and say "but we told you we weren't going to spend our vacations there before you built it."

+1. They are going to be crushed either way, but at least at this point they can reset their expectations, and potentially even change some of the construction plans.

[Anonymous]

How large is this space? Would the addition of interior walls help? Is the room large enough to divide? Imagine a rectangle. In the middle place two long walls each with short walls. Kind of like two U’s facing each other. This creates a room in a room. If you place barn doors on the short walls it would let you choose how to partition the space. You could close off the center room or move the doors opposite and create two mini rooms on the outside of the long wall. I hope this makes sense. Partitioning the room would go a long way towards creating flexibility if it’s applicable to this situation. Ideally they should put in jack and Jill baths if not multiples.

[Anonymous]

I;m the PP who was called obnoxious.

Yes. You need to be upfront. It is not fair to them to not hear your thoughts BEFORE they build it. They are including you in the plans so they are opening themselves up for feedback. You need to tell them the liklihood and reality of your visits and if they still choose to live in this fantasy, that is on them but you can relax at home for the holidays guilt free because they knew the reality before the built it.

They maybe think that bunkrooms are all the rage and so fun, without thinking through logistics. You can gently tell them why it is not a wise choice but really, if you don't intend to visit it is really a non-issue for your family.

[Anonymous]

Even if they reconfigure the space to give everyone more privacy, the in-laws need to know that this doesn't mean that you will be spending every holiday, every vacation with them in that house.

You have your own traditions in your home and your own side of the family to consider, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I;m the PP who was called obnoxious.

Yes. You need to be upfront. It is not fair to them to not hear your thoughts BEFORE they build it. They are including you in the plans so they are opening themselves up for feedback. You need to tell them the liklihood and reality of your visits and if they still choose to live in this fantasy, that is on them but you can relax at home for the holidays guilt free because they knew the reality before the built it.

They maybe think that bunkrooms are all the rage and so fun, without thinking through logistics. You can gently tell them why it is not a wise choice but really, if you don't intend to visit it is really a non-issue for your family.

If this communal bunk and bathroom thing was so great the in-laws wouldn't have designed a completely separate bedroom on another floor for themselves. The more I think about this the more presumptuous and pushy these people seem.....not sure if that's true about them or not, Op. Where on earth did they get this idea from?

[Anonymous]

"So you're imagining that we'll be dropping the kids off here to spend a week at Camp Grandparents in the summer? Because I only see one bedroom, and then the bunk room for the kids. I think they'll probably like that when they're little -- not sure about when they're teenagers, but I guess a few good weeks are worth it to you, right?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"So you're imagining that we'll be dropping the kids off here to spend a week at Camp Grandparents in the summer? Because I only see one bedroom, and then the bunk room for the kids. I think they'll probably like that when they're little -- not sure about when they're teenagers, but I guess a few good weeks are worth it to you, right?"

OP here. They don't want to watch grandkids without us, so I doubt that's the plan. We fly my parents in during weeks that preschool is closed instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"So you're imagining that we'll be dropping the kids off here to spend a week at Camp Grandparents in the summer? Because I only see one bedroom, and then the bunk room for the kids. I think they'll probably like that when they're little -- not sure about when they're teenagers, but I guess a few good weeks are worth it to you, right?"

OP here. They don't want to watch grandkids without us, so I doubt that's the plan. We fly my parents in during weeks that preschool is closed instead.

If your parents are at your house whenever preschool is closed does that mean that you never spend the holidays with the in-laws?