Parents building a vacation home

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DH really needs to step up and say something. Otherwise you are misleading them by your silence. They share these plans, your DH just smiles so they don't know your family isn't in agreement, then when it is built and they've spent a couple hundred thou on it, you say, "actually we aren't going to come?" I'd be VERY pissed if I was the ILs, at that point.

Tell them now! Then if they go ahead and do it, you can shrug and say "but we told you we weren't going to spend our vacations there before you built it."

+1. They are going to be crushed either way, but at least at this point they can reset their expectations, and potentially even change some of the construction plans.

+1

Unless your DH willing to take the kids himself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Even if they reconfigure the space to give everyone more privacy, the in-laws need to know that this doesn't mean that you will be spending every holiday, every vacation with them in that house.

You have your own traditions in your home and your own side of the family to consider, too.

This is a good point. My ILs built a vacation home with tons of bedrooms with the thought that the whole family could visit frequently. It's very far - not driveable. They didn't include us in planning at all because if they did we'd tell them they're nuts. We are not using up all of our vacation time and buying flights for everyone to go to this random location they picked. That's just not happening. So we have settled that we all go out every other year. DH tries to go out a little more often by himself on quick trips.

I can say that if there was a bunk room I would never stay there. I would find a hotel or vacation rental nearby. Dividing by gender doesn't make it any more appealing. I don't want to sleep next to my BIL or SIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DH really needs to step up and say something. Otherwise you are misleading them by your silence. They share these plans, your DH just smiles so they don't know your family isn't in agreement, then when it is built and they've spent a couple hundred thou on it, you say, "actually we aren't going to come?" I'd be VERY pissed if I was the ILs, at that point.

Tell them now! Then if they go ahead and do it, you can shrug and say "but we told you we weren't going to spend our vacations there before you built it."

+1. They are going to be crushed either way, but at least at this point they can reset their expectations, and potentially even change some of the construction plans.

+1

Unless your DH willing to take the kids himself?

Nope. How does it work for DH to take the kids for every holiday and weekends? OP doesn't see her kids for Christmas, Thanjsgiving, Easter, summer vacation? They still don't get to be a family and this solution is even worse because her husband would be complicit.

[Anonymous]

Someone needs to sit down and talk with them and explain that no one will be comfortable. They would be better off with a nice guest room, so some people could stay but others go to a hotel. You also need to make it clear that no matter what the house looks like, you will not be there all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Someone needs to sit down and talk with them and explain that no one will be comfortable. They would be better off with a nice guest room, so some people could stay but others go to a hotel. You also need to make it clear that no matter what the house looks like, you will not be there all the time.

It sounds like a large house. They could easily build 3-4 bedrooms upstairs so that each couple could sleep comfortably and have one small bunk room so the grandkids could share it when they're older. Regular bathrooms are also preferable. It would be annoying to not have a tub for bathing little kids/babies.

The siblings absolutely need to say something to their parents and make it clear that they wouldn't be able to visit for every holiday. And they definitely need to say that they won't be staying there at all if it requires communal sleeping. The parents will be exponentially more hurt if they build this massive bunk room for their kids and everyone refuses to stay there after remaining silent during the planning process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, Your ILs are imagining a certain life This vision is bringing them joy. It's not quite as important if it actually happens very often. They want to know it could happen. All "the kids" could visit together, and it would be like they are hosting camp. Meanwhile they can show-off their new house to their (same age) friends and talk of all the togetherness they will share with you, their children, and their grandchildren. Whether it happens very often is less important. But also realize that even though you don't think it's fun, someone might. Out of all those family members, those little ones will grow up and a few are likely to cherish those memories as special. It's likely to strike the right chord with a few.

Lol. Bragging rights for the grandparents?

[Anonymous]

Even if the set up was good, why do your inlaws think they get holidays? Maybe you want to spend some with your family or you want to stay at home and have your own traditions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Even if the set up was good, why do your inlaws think they get holidays? Maybe you want to spend some with your family or you want to stay at home and have your own traditions.

+1

Sounds incredibly entitled to me. Which, ironically, suggests that people wouldn't want to spend time with them by choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, just reading about your own parents. I know some parents of an only child who got married and they have become this nightmare of whining that they have nothing to do when their DS has other plans with his wife's family.

OP here. I think you must be thinking of your own situation? My parents aren't whiners. They're very helpful and flexible. They aren't complaining about us spending time with inlaws. I realize it sucks for them.

Can't they go, too, from the 23-25? Get them a hotel room and your kids get both sets of grandparents at once!

You can't invite one set of grandparents over to the other set of grandparents' house. Op could invite both sets to her house but I'm guessing that both sides prefer to have their own time with the grandkids which is actually understandable.

It's bizarre that her in laws specifically exclude her parents, leaving them alone for Christmas.

Why is that bizarre? A lot of us don't want parents and inlaws together for every holiday. It's also hard on the grandkids trying to figure out who to spend time with

Op stays several days, overnight at the in-laws. It absolutely is not bizarre that Op's parents are not invited to sleep over at the in-law's house.

It's not that her parents aren't invited to her ILs house. It's that she has invited her own parents to her home, her ILs know that her parents are there, and don't invite them. OP should find other care plans when she's going to leave them behind for Christmas.

[Anonymous]

It sounds terrible. I would not spend one night in a big room with bunks for 10 people. I hated the one night I spent in a hostel in Europe, and ended up booking into a hotel the next day because I am a light sleeper and couldn't get back to sleep each time someone entered/closed the door, coughed, had an incoming text/call, made drunk-sick noises, etc. And this will be worse because they are your family and you will have to deal with them the next day; after a few days of struggling to sleep through someone else's kid's allergy snorting or someone else's husband's snoring, you will be sleep deprived and grumpy, and will find it difficult to have fun family time in the day. Or maybe that's just me. But there is no way I would be spending even one night in your in-laws' hell hostel.

Communal bathrooms are gross, and the showers will be disgusting if not cleaned daily: who is going to clean the communal bathroom? Remember the issues of dorm bathrooms? It will be like that but worse because random kids will be involved. I can't think of anything more hideous than sharing a dorm bathroom with a bunch of kids who aren't my own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Inlaws are building a vacation home 8 hours away from DC. They have the plans all drawn up and are so excited to break ground. They're convinced we're coming monthly and will have all holidays there. I was looking at the plans and it involves a bunk room that sleeps 10 on the 2nd story with a communal bathroom with stalls (nice ones, but still). The bedroom on the ground floor is their bedroom.

Sigh. I know they're excited about the vacation home, but we are stretched as it is on annual leave and we wouldn't be able to go more than once a year. I am not spending holidays there at all. Communal bunking is just awful. Anyway to talk them down from this plan? I think their excitement has made them crazy. I also absolutely hate going to the same place more than once, but I know they enjoy the same spot every time and they hate going new places. They have visions of being surrounded by grandchildren on every holiday at their vacation home, but it's not going to happen like they're envisioning.

Odd choice if they are from the DC metropolitan area OR is it a hot vacation site near their hometown? Do DH's siblings and cousins and family live in areas where people even normally go to that lake?

So how old are the inlaws? Could they be planning to sell their house and live in that place? I think the whole thing is weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, just reading about your own parents. I know some parents of an only child who got married and they have become this nightmare of whining that they have nothing to do when their DS has other plans with his wife's family.

OP here. I think you must be thinking of your own situation? My parents aren't whiners. They're very helpful and flexible. They aren't complaining about us spending time with inlaws. I realize it sucks for them.

Can't they go, too, from the 23-25? Get them a hotel room and your kids get both sets of grandparents at once!

You can't invite one set of grandparents over to the other set of grandparents' house. Op could invite both sets to her house but I'm guessing that both sides prefer to have their own time with the grandkids which is actually understandable.

My god. I can't even imagine. Maybe this is cultural? I just can't imagine any scenario in which I'd leave my husband's family at my house alone for Christmas and spend the holidays with my family esp if my ILs flew across the family to do is a huge favor.

OP's parents fly in to babysit for Christmas and OP goes to wherever the DH inlaws live? Does OP plus DH and kids leave for Christmas Eve/Day to go to inlaws and her parents are alone in the house? This is taking advantage. The stupid 8 hours away bunkhouse is absurd. Again maybe it's convenient for the inlaws and other sibs with/out kids.

And what about weather? Snow, ice? Is it near a ski resort?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DH needs to have a serious talk with them about how they are welcome to do what they like, but you will be coming once a year only. Also, that you don't like the idea of a communal room for everyone. Ask them how well they would sleep in the same room with 10 people.

Also, they need to hear that even if they build this thing, which is their choice, that does not mean your family is obligated to use it as they intend. Nor will you.

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This. He needs to be honest with them before they spend money!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Rent once a year nearby. If the children want to stay in the community room, so be it. No way should the ILs expect the adults to sign up for that.

Send the children during the summer. They might enjoy it!

I have great memories of staying with my grandparents during the summer at their lake house, and sleeping in the bunk room with my brother and cousins. If I had a lake house, I'd love to have a bunk room. For the kids. I wouldn't expect adults to stay there.

[Anonymous]

OP. Can we get an update?