Parents building a vacation home

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Someone needs to sit down and talk with them and explain that no one will be comfortable. They would be better off with a nice guest room, so some people could stay but others go to a hotel. You also need to make it clear that no matter what the house looks like, you will not be there all the time.

It sounds like a large house. They could easily build 3-4 bedrooms upstairs so that each couple could sleep comfortably and have one small bunk room so the grandkids could share it when they're older. Regular bathrooms are also preferable. It would be annoying to not have a tub for bathing little kids/babies.

The siblings absolutely need to say something to their parents and make it clear that they wouldn't be able to visit for every holiday. And they definitely need to say that they won't be staying there at all if it requires communal sleeping. The parents will be exponentially more hurt if they build this massive bunk room for their kids and everyone refuses to stay there after remaining silent during the planning process.

I'll add, I don't know how old IL's kids are, but if it's possible one might have another baby, this is an even worse sleeping arrangement. No one wants to share a room with a screaming infant or a baby that's waking up at off times. Certainly ten people don't want this at all. Individual rooms make this much more doable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your in laws don't actually consider you and DH (or any of your DH's siblings and spouses) to be adults

OP here. WOW. Yes I 100% agree. I hadn't thought of that before, but I think that gets to the root of all our issues. We're in our 30s btw.

NP. This was the first thing I thought of reading the original post. The ILs refuse to see their adult children and their spouses as adults, hence the bunkroom and imperious decree that everyone will spend every holiday there. Zero sense that adults, with their own complicated lives, are involved here.

OP here. I agree and just never thought of it this way. I think this really sums up my feelings about other things as well. I want to assert our own family's independence, vacations, holidays, you name it. DH and I got together very young and it was easy for us to just go along with what they did. Our lives have changed so much in 15 years and now we're crazy busy, have children, weird schedules and inlaws haven't helped or bent how they do things at all.

Hey, OP. I'm the poster you're quoting and I so understand where you're coming from! We also married young and I'm convinced the only thing that saved us was living far away in a remote community the first few years we were married. At least in our case we were able to establish our identity separate from our parents; the fact that we frequently got significant snow that made travel from November to April made it so much easier to not travel for holidays. We too are now in our mid 30s and sometimes it is very clear that our parents still don't see us as adults. That our younger sibling all suffer from "failure to launch" to some degree doesn't help. We have to be very strong holding the line and not caving to "but but but!" demands.

We (finally) have a baby and all the parents have just assumed we'll spend Christmas with them. First, ha ha ha, NO, we are spending Christmas day at home exactly as we have for every single Christmas we have been married. Second, my parents are together, but the ILs are divorced. All 3 sets are scattered around. It is simply not possible, and frankly I'm irritated they just assumed we'd come to them, with no discussion. So now we have to "break their heart" and tell them no. They're laying the guilt on thick. We're still not travelling for the holiday. They're the ones creating elaborate fantasies with zero basis in reality. It's their problem.

So, I have three kids all MS age - my older brother had children at least ten years before I did - has graduating college this year. I think because we all married later (or a lot of us) we just were around our families more - we came home for Christmas and Thanksgiving in our 20s and even 30s because our parents were still our primary family Then, when we got married and had kids - everyone just assumed that parents/grandparents would continue to be the hub. And when the kids are younger - you accommodate. You realize as they get older how insane it all is. My parents never went to their parents for every holiday when they weren't in the same town. Something about this generation thinks they get the perfect grandparent dream.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read through the whole post - but is it possible they can build a couple of cabins on the same property, for when folks come to visit? I saw something like that on one of those HGTV shows - there was a main cabin, then a couple of smaller cabins for guests.

The bunk room sounds bonkers. It's hard to imagine what the ILs are thinking, unless they intend to open a youth hostel.

Good luck, OP.