How do I make myself just not care?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You just seem filled with bitterness and resentment, OP. Yes, your sister-in-law should have volunteered to contribute some money for groceries. But to fight with your husband about this, and dwell on this for a year, and to draw in so many other examples of how your sister-in-law supposedly is an inferior person...it just suggests this isn't about the groceries at all, but about something else entirely. And it doesn't feel generous or kind.

If you care so much, just don't go grocery shopping. Let your husband handle it. But it would be an act of love to be generous to your in-laws, even if you think they don't deserve it.

I am bitter and resentful about this and I really don't want to be. I've seen how hanging on to anger has ruined my mother's life, and I never want to be like that. I am usually the first person to say I'm sorry if I feel like I have wronged someone, and I am also willing to accept apologies from people and I don't hold grudges (or at least try not to). It's not that I've dwelled on this for a year, it's just that the trip is coming up, so I'm trying to figure out how to handle it better.

Oh but you are holding onto a grudge. You're angry about a lot of small things that are out of your control. You're like your mom, more than you realize. At least you're trying to fight it, though. It's not easy.

I think you need to accept the family dynamics of your in-laws and let that go, first of all. It's not fair, but it's not really hurting you or your family, is it? Unless your family had to go without necessities because you had spent too much on vacation groceries last year, you're doing yourself and your husband way more harm by holding onto a grudge about it. If you choose to manage all of the food, then get everyone's input and contributions. Maybe they're all more easygoing about it than you. If you're particular about the food, own that it's your thing. You can't make the others care, and it's unrealistic to be angry at people for not have the same priorities as you.

On a side note, if your husband doesn't choose to do anything for his sister's family for birthdays, then you don't need to if it makes you so angry and resentful. She doesn't do it, so maybe she doesn't think it's the big deal you do. If you choose to do something for others, do it out of the kindness of your heart and with love, and don't expect a return or hold resentment or anger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL promised she would make my SIL contribute last year, but then that didn't happen. And she told me this year that she would make them do the same, but I feel like I'd be a fool to fall for that again.

Why are you policing your MIL's relationship with her daughter? You can pay for what you like, then allow MIL and FIL to pay, covering their daughter. If they don't mind paying for their daughter's groceries, why should you? You act like you're trying to protect them, but clearly they don't want to be "helped" in that way. You can learn to not care by staying out of other people's relationships.

Exactly. This is why I posted in the beginning about accepting that you can't control others. Stop trying to control everyone, op. It's not healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Don't make this so damn hard. Keep your non-perishables in your room. Bulk of the problem solved.

This is FAMILY. I think OP is being a bit cheap. If they make a lot more money than your husband's sister's family, be generous and just pay for more. Make sure SIL contributes some, but I don't think there is need to make such a big deal. It's family!!

[Anonymous]

OP, I haven't read all the responses so maybe this has been covered but I suggest that next year you go ahead with a plan to rent your own place. That way, while you're dealing with this craziness this year, you can think about how you can separate a bit from folks next year. Good luck - hope things go better for you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:10:51. what a well thought out response. Are you a therapist?

More like a bleeding heart socialist creating a life of co-dependence with her selfish adult children. Good luck enabling that.

[Anonymous]

Life's too short, call a spade a spade. Don't be a doormat and don't let your time and money get sucked down by losers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I would see it as an act of love, as one PP said.
Buy more than last year.
In your room, keep some choice morsels, that you cannot run short off otherwise you will have a fit. For me that would be fancy chocolate, and my luxury tea. I would label the nut-free foods for DS and warn everyone not to consume them (unless one of them is allergic as well).

My husband is your SIL. He earns less than two of his brothers, and will gladly mooch off them, thinking that him giving money to his youngest brother who earns less is making up the balance. His brothers are cool with it, but I suspect one of my SILs is definitely NOT. I have insisted we should pay our own way, and he is slowly coming around to this with age.

Wait, so you buy fancy chocolate and luxury tea, stash them in your room and label them so no one else can touch them....and your DH (on behalf of you and his immediate family) mooches off of his brothers having them pay your family's way? Wow - you do have nerve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL promised she would make my SIL contribute last year, but then that didn't happen. And she told me this year that she would make them do the same, but I feel like I'd be a fool to fall for that again.

Why are you policing your MIL's relationship with her daughter? You can pay for what you like, then allow MIL and FIL to pay, covering their daughter. If they don't mind paying for their daughter's groceries, why should you? You act like you're trying to protect them, but clearly they don't want to be "helped" in that way. You can learn to not care by staying out of other people's relationships.

This, this, this a hundred percent. OP, you are taking on this project of dividing up the food budget. Not.Your.Concern. Seriously, have MIL and FIL (or SIL) do the grocery shopping and either before hand or after, pay them for your portion. It is not your problem whether they collect SIL share or not. Don't even concern yourself with that. You take care of you and your family. If you don't want to be a mooch to MIL/FIL then pay your share, but stop meddling into SIL and her parents' relationship.

[Anonymous]

Whatever you decide to do, stock up on emergency snack items in your room for you and your kids. I have been in the same situation re: the food that I bought is gone and my kids are starving. One loaf of bread, small jar of PB, shelf stable milk boxes, packets of apple sauce, whatever else your kids will eat that is shelf stable.

Then, you can choose how to handle it. If it were me, I may just do nothing. More than the money, I would be frustrated that I went through all the effort planning and shopping for it not to be reciprocated. Bring enough food for your family for the first day or so, keep it in your room, and see what the in laws say. If they have the gall to ask why you didn't do all the shopping, suggest that you and BIL/SIL go together so you can split the bill, or ask for a set amount up front.

Or you could email ahead of time as the other PPs have suggested and try to work out a schedule or set up a group budget or whatever. I imagine if you end up doing the shopping without getting money up front, you probably won't ever see the money.

I am in a similar situation with our summer beach house. DH's parents pay for the house and his cousins and us share the cost of buying stuff. DH and I have two kids and the cousins have 9 between the two families. We are very fortunate that DH makes a great salary (I SAH) so we don't mind fitting the bill for much of the food. So the cousins will buy bags of chips and bread and cereal, and we buy much of the meat and gallons and gallons of milk and fresh fruit and veggies. I really don't mind at all - their older kids help with our little ones and they are such awesome, great people that we all have a blast.

[Anonymous]

We all stay in the same house

No other details matter
You need your own house

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When we go on family vacay, each family contributes 100.00 per member of their family. All that money goes into the pot, and that is the money that is used for food for the week. If the money runs out, each family contributes a new amount per family member. That means a family of 2 is not having to contribute the same amount as a family of 6 and that everyone is free to each any of the food. Could your husband suggest this? When we do this, we leave my parents, who pay for the rental, out of it, so it is just the families that pay this food money.

This sounds great

[Anonymous]

we were all supposed to provide two dinners for the group

Maybe that was your plan, not theirs. Maybe you're mad mostly because they didn't hold up their end of "your plan", and were pressured to stay at the house more often than they intended. On vacation I'd want to be on my own for meals. I wouldn't want some plan dictated to me. Op, you just may be too much of a bossy pants.

[Anonymous]

I don't get why someone doesn't do a big grocery shopping trip at the beginning of the week, and divide per person. Maybe you have an age cut-off (5? 7?) that's considered a greener, and everyone else pays by # of individuals in their party. Booze is BYOB.

[Anonymous]

I love going on vacation with my parents and siblings' family. We all try to play a game of chicken and see who we can stick with the bill. Sometimes the waitress picks up the bill book 6 times before my older brother finally puts his card in for all of us. His wife thinks we're all moochers. But what is family for!!?!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get why someone doesn't do a big grocery shopping trip at the beginning of the week, and divide per person. Maybe you have an age cut-off (5? 7?) that's considered a greener, and everyone else pays by # of individuals in their party. Booze is BYOB.

Because that just isn't how they do it. OP's DH is stuck between her and family tradition. So he tells her he's talked to SIL or his parents about making SIL pay, but he really hasn't, or has, but with no effect.

OP needs to just let this go. I'm sure she wastes money in some way that her husband finds ridiculous, even if it is spread out through the year. This is him wasting money to have a vacation with his family. Let it go.