How do I make myself just not care?

[Anonymous]

OP - I commend you for taking the time and physical effort to shop for food for 12 people. I do hope Itbis clear that she and her older kids can at least take on the man dinner pro and clean up to equal the extra hours of planning and shopping you put in. Anither approach might be to say that you will gladly shop so there is food at the beach house when all come. AND from last year, you would say that the other family can the shop for the second half of the week. it is notice in general ahead to plan on shopping.

[Anonymous]

Just let the grandparents pay for everything.
Once that is in place, stop caring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get why someone doesn't do a big grocery shopping trip at the beginning of the week, and divide per person. Maybe you have an age cut-off (5? 7?) that's considered a greener, and everyone else pays by # of individuals in their party. Booze is BYOB.

Because that just isn't how they do it. OP's DH is stuck between her and family tradition. So he tells her he's talked to SIL or his parents about making SIL pay, but he really hasn't, or has, but with no effect.

OP needs to just let this go. I'm sure she wastes money in some way that her husband finds ridiculous, even if it is spread out through the year. This is him wasting money to have a vacation with his family. Let it go.

SIL family pays zero and puts in zero effort planning or shopping.

FIL & MIL pay for SIL family and seem to have offered to pay and shop for everyone.

OP kicks vacation off with planning, shopping and paying for $700 of food for everyone, then keeps getting special food shop requests.

Yuck, you all need to split the food costs by family. Stop being taken advantage of. OP's DH needs to man-up and put his own family and pocketbook first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes I think people get so focused on money because it is quantifiable. But often in families, people's contributions are not so quantifiable. Example: I have a stay at home spouse. I contribute money. My spouse contributes many other things. Does it come out exactly equal? I have no idea.

It is possible that your taking-groceries-for-granted SIL makes contributions that you are not aware of or not affected by. For example, maybe she tolerates your MIL and is a good companion to her, and other family members appreciate that. Maybe she did your husband a solid way-back-when and emotionally supported him at key moments in his life that you were not around to see and he is eternally grateful in ways he could never articulate to you. Maybe she gets your FIL to laugh when no one else can. Etc. etc. etc. The point is, this family may have a system of "exchange" that you may not be aware of that makes the other family members feel like your SIL is much less of a moocher than you think. Or she is a moocher and they don't care because, come on, no one is perfect.

Someone else's family is like another culture. You have a vision of how you think family should work (texts on your birthday, birthday gifts for your kids, etc). That is obviously not the culture of this family. That does not mean they are wrong, or that their way is inferior or immoral. It's just different. It would literally never occur to me to text my sister-in-law on her birthday. I don't even know when it is. She surely doesn't know my birthday. But I care for her very much.

You say your mother held on to anger. Anger is usually a secondary emotion. The real emotion underneath it is hurt. Do you feel hurt? Why? What is the hurt? Do you feel somehow rejected by this family, because they are not doing things that you expect them to do but that may not be a part of their family culture?

You really need to analyze your response to this, because you say you are bitter and resentful and do not want to be. I can assure you that I am not a doormat, and that I have a similar situation on beach vacation with my brother-in-law, and I do not feel angry and resentful. Why? I consider it an act of love towards my husband's family to be generous. I stock the house with food and treats that I think they will like and enjoy watching them be enjoyed. I realize my brother-in-law is kind of a dope career-wise and money-wise but he has many other fine qualities, such as I really appreciate the care and support he gives to my husband's parents, and the relationship he has with my kids.

But this matters to you. So. I agree with others that there are many friendly and socially acceptable ways of directly addressing this with your SIL that you did not pursue. I wonder if there is some part of you that *wants* to feel wronged, to justify feelings of anger. I see this in some of my family members. They seem to want to look at people in the worse possible light, and focus on all of people's human flaws and weaknesses instead of seeing the good in them. I guess it makes them feel better about themselves or something. But to me it sounds kind of miserable and lonely.

Here's an idea--you could invite your SIL to go grocery shopping with you. Then insist on paying. Then if the food runs out, she will know you've done your part. And rather than being the aggrieved martyr, shopping all alone and and resenting every moment of it, maybe you could have a nice time with your SIL.

I think there's another underlying issue here besides hurt and that is the dynamic where the sister-in-laws seems to be the golden child who can just mooch off of the wealthy parents and is not expected to pay her own way on vacations or expensive tickets, whereas the sun is expected to work hard and make his own money.

I am also the wife of a husband with a similar dynamic with his younger sister. ( except she's mooching off of a mother-in-law who is very nearly broke) and I take a lot of comfort in the fact that I have Financial Independence and freedom to do what I want with my money in a way that she does not. And I genuinely like my sister-in-law as a person so I think that goes a long way towards me not resenting her moocher status as much (although I do worry about my mother-in-law's bad financial situation)

If I were in your shoes I would definitely buy the food that you want to buy for your family. Keep some shelf-stable Foods in reserve (plus wine because it's your vacation too you should relax) and when the food runs out you can always feed your kids the emergency peanut butter sandwiches or take them out for breakfast. When sil complains you can say " well sister-in-laws I think it's your turn to go grocery shopping, we're out of bread." And then just let it go if her mother-in-law pays for it it's still okay because you have the financial freedom and you still have some wine.

[Anonymous]

How to not care about doling out money to extended family? STOP DOLING OUT MONEY TO EXTENDED FAMILY.
They are not even thanking you, they just ask for more food items to magically appear! I'd be done and done. And DH had better keep his wallet CLOSED.

[Anonymous]

Moochers will do what moochers do. There's really no excuse for what SIL did. I'd hide nonperishables in my room and insist that we get a separate house next year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, don't feel bad about not wanting to pay your SILs food expenses.

It's ridiculous your SIL does this, and f-n rude as hell.

You and your spouse work hard. They have a different lifestyle, fine.

But just because you and your spouse both work and make more money does not mean you should happily pay their way on vacation.

They should budget enough money to pay for at least some of their food, and make low cost meals to serve if each family is responsible for a meal or two.

They are adults. They take advantage of you and your FIL and MIL.

Why people here are siding with them is beyond me.

+1. And people are forgetting that, unless you keep all of your money separate, YOU are paying for your SIL to mooch. It's your money, too, and you should have a say in how it is spent!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

we were all supposed to provide two dinners for the group

Maybe that was your plan, not theirs. Maybe you're mad mostly because they didn't hold up their end of "your plan", and were pressured to stay at the house more often than they intended. On vacation I'd want to be on my own for meals. I wouldn't want some plan dictated to me. Op, you just may be too much of a bossy pants.

OP never said it was her plan. You cannot just make up facts and then change the story! Why not ask OP if it was her plan, or someone else's, before posting your comments? Who does this?!

BTW, my assumption (though it could be wrong) was that it was a group plan, or a request from the ILs.

[Anonymous]

Maybe start small and tell the SIL to buy the booze and breakfast foods this year. They should be able to handle that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

we were all supposed to provide two dinners for the group

Maybe that was your plan, not theirs. Maybe you're mad mostly because they didn't hold up their end of "your plan", and were pressured to stay at the house more often than they intended. On vacation I'd want to be on my own for meals. I wouldn't want some plan dictated to me. Op, you just may be too much of a bossy pants.

My MIL is the one who came up with that plan, but thanks for calling me a name.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL promised she would make my SIL contribute last year, but then that didn't happen. And she told me this year that she would make them do the same, but I feel like I'd be a fool to fall for that again.

Why are you policing your MIL's relationship with her daughter? You can pay for what you like, then allow MIL and FIL to pay, covering their daughter. If they don't mind paying for their daughter's groceries, why should you? You act like you're trying to protect them, but clearly they don't want to be "helped" in that way. You can learn to not care by staying out of other people's relationships.

This, this, this a hundred percent. OP, you are taking on this project of dividing up the food budget. Not.Your.Concern. Seriously, have MIL and FIL (or SIL) do the grocery shopping and either before hand or after, pay them for your portion. It is not your problem whether they collect SIL share or not. Don't even concern yourself with that. You take care of you and your family. If you don't want to be a mooch to MIL/FIL then pay your share, but stop meddling into SIL and her parents' relationship.

I don't think I explained that very well. If my MIL bought all the groceries and then I paid her for our share and my SIL never paid, you're entirely right, that would be absolutely none of my business. The problem is, my MIL buys SOME food (but not nearly enough for everyone), with the idea that everyone else is also going to contribute food. Then my SIL just doesn't bring anything and her family eats all the food there is. So what am I supposed to do at that point? I appreciate the suggestions of doing it as an act of love for my in-laws and my husband and that is what I am going to do. I admit, it is difficult for me to do it as an act of love for my SIL because she is one of the most self-absorbed people I have ever met and seriously has never given a shit about me or my kids (or my husband - there is no story about how she helped him at an earlier point in life, and we all know that he and I will be the ones responsible for his parents when they can't take care of themselves), but I am working on changing how I feel about doing things for her when she does nothing for me. I understand that I should be a better person, and I'm trying to be. So thanks to the people who didn't just beat me up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get why someone doesn't do a big grocery shopping trip at the beginning of the week, and divide per person. Maybe you have an age cut-off (5? 7?) that's considered a greener, and everyone else pays by # of individuals in their party. Booze is BYOB.

I suggested this and was told by my MIL that the better solution was to have everyone bring enough food for their family. I said fine. And then my SIL brought nothing. And I brought booze and they drank it all. So that can live in my room this year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP - I commend you for taking the time and physical effort to shop for food for 12 people. I do hope Itbis clear that she and her older kids can at least take on the man dinner pro and clean up to equal the extra hours of planning and shopping you put in. Anither approach might be to say that you will gladly shop so there is food at the beach house when all come. AND from last year, you would say that the other family can the shop for the second half of the week. it is notice in general ahead to plan on shopping.

I should have mentioned that whenever they do prepare food (my MIL did make them bring one dinner last year), they don't clean up the kitchen. At all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes I think people get so focused on money because it is quantifiable. But often in families, people's contributions are not so quantifiable. Example: I have a stay at home spouse. I contribute money. My spouse contributes many other things. Does it come out exactly equal? I have no idea.

It is possible that your taking-groceries-for-granted SIL makes contributions that you are not aware of or not affected by. For example, maybe she tolerates your MIL and is a good companion to her, and other family members appreciate that. Maybe she did your husband a solid way-back-when and emotionally supported him at key moments in his life that you were not around to see and he is eternally grateful in ways he could never articulate to you. Maybe she gets your FIL to laugh when no one else can. Etc. etc. etc. The point is, this family may have a system of "exchange" that you may not be aware of that makes the other family members feel like your SIL is much less of a moocher than you think. Or she is a moocher and they don't care because, come on, no one is perfect.

Someone else's family is like another culture. You have a vision of how you think family should work (texts on your birthday, birthday gifts for your kids, etc). That is obviously not the culture of this family. That does not mean they are wrong, or that their way is inferior or immoral. It's just different. It would literally never occur to me to text my sister-in-law on her birthday. I don't even know when it is. She surely doesn't know my birthday. But I care for her very much.

You say your mother held on to anger. Anger is usually a secondary emotion. The real emotion underneath it is hurt. Do you feel hurt? Why? What is the hurt? Do you feel somehow rejected by this family, because they are not doing things that you expect them to do but that may not be a part of their family culture?

You really need to analyze your response to this, because you say you are bitter and resentful and do not want to be. I can assure you that I am not a doormat, and that I have a similar situation on beach vacation with my brother-in-law, and I do not feel angry and resentful. Why? I consider it an act of love towards my husband's family to be generous. I stock the house with food and treats that I think they will like and enjoy watching them be enjoyed. I realize my brother-in-law is kind of a dope career-wise and money-wise but he has many other fine qualities, such as I really appreciate the care and support he gives to my husband's parents, and the relationship he has with my kids.

But this matters to you. So. I agree with others that there are many friendly and socially acceptable ways of directly addressing this with your SIL that you did not pursue. I wonder if there is some part of you that *wants* to feel wronged, to justify feelings of anger. I see this in some of my family members. They seem to want to look at people in the worse possible light, and focus on all of people's human flaws and weaknesses instead of seeing the good in them. I guess it makes them feel better about themselves or something. But to me it sounds kind of miserable and lonely.

Here's an idea--you could invite your SIL to go grocery shopping with you. Then insist on paying. Then if the food runs out, she will know you've done your part. And rather than being the aggrieved martyr, shopping all alone and and resenting every moment of it, maybe you could have a nice time with your SIL.

I think there's another underlying issue here besides hurt and that is the dynamic where the sister-in-laws seems to be the golden child who can just mooch off of the wealthy parents and is not expected to pay her own way on vacations or expensive tickets, whereas the sun is expected to work hard and make his own money.

I am also the wife of a husband with a similar dynamic with his younger sister. ( except she's mooching off of a mother-in-law who is very nearly broke) and I take a lot of comfort in the fact that I have Financial Independence and freedom to do what I want with my money in a way that she does not. And I genuinely like my sister-in-law as a person so I think that goes a long way towards me not resenting her moocher status as much (although I do worry about my mother-in-law's bad financial situation)

If I were in your shoes I would definitely buy the food that you want to buy for your family. Keep some shelf-stable Foods in reserve (plus wine because it's your vacation too you should relax) and when the food runs out you can always feed your kids the emergency peanut butter sandwiches or take them out for breakfast. When sil complains you can say " well sister-in-laws I think it's your turn to go grocery shopping, we're out of bread." And then just let it go if her mother-in-law pays for it it's still okay because you have the financial freedom and you still have some wine.

Actually the problem is my MIL and FIL and not at all wealthy. They budget all year to make this beach trip happen, which is why I can't have them pay for our share. If they let SIL mooch, that's their problem, not mine. But I refuse to mooch off of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get why someone doesn't do a big grocery shopping trip at the beginning of the week, and divide per person. Maybe you have an age cut-off (5? 7?) that's considered a greener, and everyone else pays by # of individuals in their party. Booze is BYOB.

I suggested this and was told by my MIL that the better solution was to have everyone bring enough food for their family. I said fine. And then my SIL brought nothing. And I brought booze and they drank it all. So that can live in my room this year.

Then I would stop them from eating my food. Seriously, it's one thing to have limited income and not be abject provide a meal for a giant group. But that does not stop you from providing gratitude , helpfulness and plain old fashioned manners. How SIL mooches from the in-laws is their issue. Her in your pocket is yours. The first thing is getting your husband to see how this goes behind money and finding a "nice" way of not being taken advantage of.