Reply to How do I make myself just not care?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]You just seem filled with bitterness and resentment, OP. Yes, your sister-in-law should have volunteered to contribute some money for groceries. But to fight with your husband about this, and dwell on this for a year, and to draw in so many other examples of how your sister-in-law supposedly is an inferior person...it just suggests this isn't about the groceries at all, but about something else entirely. And it doesn't feel generous or kind.

If you care so much, just don't go grocery shopping. Let your husband handle it. But it would be an act of love to be generous to your in-laws, even if you think they don't deserve it. [/quote]

I am bitter and resentful about this and I really don't want to be.  I've seen how hanging on to anger has ruined my mother's life, and I never want to be like that.  I am usually the first person to say I'm sorry if I feel like I have wronged someone, and I am also willing to accept apologies from people and I don't hold grudges (or at least try not to).  It's not that I've dwelled on this for a year, it's just that the trip is coming up, so I'm trying to figure out how to handle it better. [/quote]

Oh but you are holding onto a grudge. You're angry about a lot of small things that are out of your control. You're like your mom, more than you realize. At least you're trying to fight it, though. It's not easy.

I think you need to accept the family dynamics of your in-laws and let that go, first of all. It's not fair, but it's not really hurting you or your family, is it? Unless your family had to go without necessities because you had spent too much on vacation groceries last year, you're doing yourself and your husband way more harm by holding onto a grudge about it. If you choose to manage all of the food, then get everyone's input and contributions. Maybe they're all more easygoing about it than you. If you're particular about the food, own that it's your thing. You can't make the others care, and it's unrealistic to be angry at people for not have the same priorities as you.

On a side note, if your husband doesn't choose to do anything for his sister's family for birthdays, then you don't need to if it makes you so angry and resentful. She doesn't do it, so maybe she doesn't think it's the big deal you do. If you choose to do something for others, do it out of the kindness of your heart and with love, and don't expect a return or hold resentment or anger. [/quote]

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