Reply to I just found out why my DH has been treating me like crap for 3 years

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]We don't know what the actual state of your house it. It could actually be messy, dirty, or both. Or reasonably clean/neat but not enough by your dh's standards.

Regardless, you and your husband should have a mutually agreed upon standard of cleanliness and tidiness. Figure what this is. Compromise is important, especially if you two have very different notions of cleanliness/tidiness.

[/quote]

NP here. Haven't read every post.

OP, this post is pretty much right -- you and DH need to TALK about your standards -- but that talk should come as part of a much, much larger discussion that goes on over time in couples counseling. You both need to communicate vastly more and do it much better, and your DH sounds like he may have some issues with passive-aggressiveness. Does he come from a family where he saw one or both parents just stewing in silence over things and never talking, so that's what he learned to do too? Did you possibly come from a background where maybe even your own mom kept things super-spotless, and she was the perfect housekeeper, but did it at the expense of spending time with you as a kid? You see where this is going. You both need to unpack this with a third party professional who is experienced at helping couples unlearn things, learn new communication behaviors, and get past anger.

And yeah, I would be furious too, in your shoes. You see yourself as focused on your child (which I agree is the priority) and he sees you as not doing your "job" of cleaning etc. You and he need to talk with someone to see if his expectations are unrealistic or if your own housekeeping is indeed a problem. And then you both need to work on keeping your marriage and not letting this one thing wreck you.

As for a job--do not go back to work just out of frustration or as a way of saying "See how you like it when we're both working and you have to take on more housework!" If your child is still young, and you WANT to be an SAHM rather than go out to work, then you and he need to work on both your expectations. He may have to pitch in more. He may have zero idea what you do all day. Make him a schedule where you log what you do in a typical day--every single minute you spend with your child. And talk about that with your counselor or therapist. If he refuses to see one, that is a red flag that there's a bigger problem and he may have other unspoken beefs with you--and that's not good. But if you can approach this with openness ("OK, I can see how you don't understand what I do all day, and how it appears I do nothing. I would like to walk you through it if you are willing to be open about seeing what I do as my 'job' with our child" and so on--as opposed to confrontation). [/quote]

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