Reply to FI suggested I pay for my birthday?!

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Op here. Honestly the more I read the more worried I get about the rabbit hole I have dug myself into.

He has no debts. Works 7 months of the year and is home for 5 and does not work when he does. He has paid off his cars and credit cards, he has a lot of money in savings.

I have 30k of student loan debt and increasing medical bills with a recent serious illness diagnosis. I *did* pay for his birthday before I had a health crisis and had been saving up for a while. I have bills that unfortunately keep piling up, hospital bills, medical bills, and today my car windshield cracked. I am feeling the financial burn. I have a $1000/month co-pay for a supply of one of the drugs i'm taking. Plus, *we* are splitting the cost of the wedding.

I cried today after posting this. He has said he will "help" with my bills but has yet to do so and I've already starting making payments on my hospital bills, and he makes generic statements like "[b]maybe someone will mysteriously pay that bill off[/b]" without actually saying if he is helping or not. I have money in savings but with the cost of the wedding and my medical bills my savings should pretty much be depleted.

Honestly, with everything that has been going on medically with me [b]I was hoping that I would be spoiled for my birthday[/b]. Which I why I was so upset when he suggested that I pay for half. I was really hoping that we could go away for a day or two in lieu of everything that has happened to me in the last two months.

That is why I want to be spoiled and be taken care of once in a while. Dealing with a chronic illness and working full-time is exhausting. [/quote]

OP, are you dense? He wants to give you a birthday gift of paying off your bills. That is why he is aghast that you are insisting on an expensive trip.

You sound like you have escapist tendencies when life gets tough, and you also sound like you try to get your needs met by doing for others what you want done for you. This is misguided at best and codependent at worst.

My suggestion is to shut the hell up about your birthday. Stop being so pushy. Let him show you what he is really about by observing how he behaves.

To me it sounds like you are almost enjoying this feeling of indignation at his "poor" behavior. You don't get a prize for setting traps for people to behave badly towards you (such as by spending a ton of money on a trip for them and then demanding reciprocation) as you continue to be what I am sure in your mind is oh so generous and selfless.

You sound whiny, entitled, and immature, OP and like you deal with problems by trying to escape from reality.

Second, you need to just focus on your and getting your shit together. No more trying to escape from reality with trips and elaborate dates. There are love languages and then there is plain insanity. It's unclear to me whether or not this guy is a jerk (wanting you to buy him expensive birthday gifts at your income level is troubling), but no matter what your future holds, you need to grow up and start being more responsible. You know why people save? For emergencies just like the medical one you are now facing. Maybe you shouldn't have spent that $1500 on a birthday gift, huh?

For what it's worth, I see an old version of myself in you. And I would get frustrated by my DH when he wanted to cheap out on my birthday and generally speaking prefer to delay gratification. In fact, to this day, he has never bought me a true gift other than my admittedly expensive engagement ring. Instead of gifts he has made large payments toward my student loan (which is now nearly gone) and towards my Roth IRA.

There was a time that I couldn't imagine boring stuff like that making me feel "spoiled" but now that I have some financial security and someone who encourages me to make good choices and be the best person I can be, I feel truly lucky.

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