DD does not want to go to classmate's bday party because 'it looks lame'

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My rule when my boys were this age was that if they were invited, they were going, unless we had a legit conflict. Both of them were and still are "cool kids" and were sometimes invited by kids who were not in their friend groups to do things that did not sound terribly appealing.They would protest sometimes by saying they weren't friends with the host or the party didn't sound fun, but I always appealed to their innate kindness: what if no one goes? And, you can do anything for an hour or two.

Even as adults, while we have the right to pick and choose social activities, we all still have events occasionally that feel more like a social "obligation" and for whatever reason, we suck it up and go. Isn't this important for kids to learn? That sometimes we do things just to be kind, not because there is anything in it for us?

My boys are 16 and 14 now, and one thing I hear about them over and over is how nice they are.

If you send your kids to parties, PLEASE make sure that they behave properly! I have seen these punky "cool kids" show up and think they are too good to hang out with the birthday boy/girl. They pretty much play with their other pinky "cool kid" friends only, sit specifically with them, and don't bother most of the time to thank the birthday girl/boy appropriately for inviting them to the party. I have seen kids like this comment openly how they just want to go grab the goodie bag and get out of "here". So if you do plan to make your "cool kids" attend, tell them to behave properly. It is annoying all around.

And frankly, I have met these "cool kids" and I think the more appropriate term for them are punks!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My rule when my boys were this age was that if they were invited, they were going, unless we had a legit conflict. Both of them were and still are "cool kids" and were sometimes invited by kids who were not in their friend groups to do things that did not sound terribly appealing.They would protest sometimes by saying they weren't friends with the host or the party didn't sound fun, but I always appealed to their innate kindness: what if no one goes? And, you can do anything for an hour or two.

Even as adults, while we have the right to pick and choose social activities, we all still have events occasionally that feel more like a social "obligation" and for whatever reason, we suck it up and go. Isn't this important for kids to learn? That sometimes we do things just to be kind, not because there is anything in it for us?

My boys are 16 and 14 now, and one thing I hear about them over and over is how nice they are.

If you send your kids to parties, PLEASE make sure that they behave properly! I have seen these punky "cool kids" show up and think they are too good to hang out with the birthday boy/girl. They pretty much play with their other pinky "cool kid" friends only, sit specifically with them, and don't bother most of the time to thank the birthday girl/boy appropriately for inviting them to the party. I have seen kids like this comment openly how they just want to go grab the goodie bag and get out of "here". So if you do plan to make your "cool kids" attend, tell them to behave properly. It is annoying all around.

And frankly, I have met these "cool kids" and I think the more appropriate term for them are punks!

Mom of the aforementioned "cool kids" here. Maybe you missed the part where I emphasized that they are widely regarded as nice, too. We might be defining "cool" differently. Having said that, absolutely I agree with you. If your kid is going to go to a party and act like an asshole, forget it - but then you have much bigger problems on your hands. This was never a concern with my kids. Maybe their niceness is part of what makes them so cool?

[Anonymous]

Mom of a wealthy and somewhat popular daughter (though, I don't think she's cool). She would love this party. McDonalds? Scavenger hunt?

Also, what type of person would post this on DCUM where the mom/dad of the new girl might read this. But, just like OP's daughter, OP sounds thoughtless and unkind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Since the girl is new, I'd have my daughter go. I'd talk about being polite and gracious, and also keeping an open mind about new experiences. I'd point out that different people have different ideas, and that it's up to your daughter to find whatever fun is to be had.

I agree

+1

+2 (3?)

Kindness and inclusion as a poster up thread said. Good values to teach, and this is a teaching moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this is a lower income child reaching our for friends I would have a serious discussion with my kid about being kind.
If thats not the case I would not make them go if they didnt want to.

I assume not lower income as this is a private school, but the girl is new to the school this year. Class is also fairly small so that may explain inviting all.

OMG - make your DD go.

This parent may be socially awkward, or a party at the library might have been quite popular at their old school. Perhaps the mom is really amazing at Pintrest-like activities.

Go and celebrate a child's birthday without judgement..

[Anonymous]

I would want to have her go as well simply to be friendly. As long as she can choke down her "lame" attitude long enough to be nice to someone. If not then she should stay home.

Have her think about it for a minute. What if she was in this girl's position?

This is a good chance for her to do some thinking about basic kindness. She's in third grade... is she really already to cool to be nice to someone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lots of grownup mean girls in this thread.

OP, you have an opportunity here. Your kid is still young enough not to know how to hide mean girl behavior from you. She told you the real reason - the clique decided it is boring and scorn worthy, so they're going to cut out this new girl who does things differently. Not only should you insist she goes, you should have her ask the new girl over for a welcome play date.

If your daughter is afraid of what her friends will say, it is time to teach her to stand up for herself.

I love you.

+1M

[Anonymous]

Former new girl here.
I grew up moving around tons, so I was frequently the new kid. Please don't make your kids go to parties they don't want to go to to teach them kindness or whatever you want to call it.
The kid knows. The kid always knows, no matter how friendly you make your child be. I always knew.

No one wants, pity guests or pity friends.

Making your child go is more for you so you can pat yourself on the back for being what you think is a good parent.

OP, your daughter is old enough to decide if the party sounds like something she wants to attend ( please spare me the mean girl assumptions because all of us even as adults decide if we want to go to a party based on how fun it sounds etc)

I would have a talk with her about the kind of people she hangs around with and how they treat others, and if she would want to be treated that way , thinking for herself etc. Those are tools she needs not forced kindness. You won't be able to force her to go to every party or be friends with everyone as she ages, but teaching her how to choose her friends wisely and thinking for herself, etc will serve her will and last longer than the days of forced playmates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would want to have her go as well simply to be friendly. As long as she can choke down her "lame" attitude long enough to be nice to someone. If not then she should stay home.

Have her think about it for a minute. What if she was in this girl's position?

This is a good chance for her to do some thinking about basic kindness. She's in third grade... is she really already to cool to be nice to someone?

I agree with this and the last PP, too.

Sometimes we do things to be kind. Your daughter's group is cutting this girl out.

I would insist my daughter go.

None of you attend church, school, family, or friend events just because you want to be kind and support the person/institution throwing the party?

[Anonymous]

I would not insist my child go to the party, BUT I would not let her get away with the "lame"excuse. She would either accompany me to the retirement home to visit old people or spend the day in church. I would know the mean girl attitude out of her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not insist my child go to the party, BUT I would not let her get away with the "lame"excuse. She would either accompany me to the retirement home to visit old people or spend the day in church. I would know the mean girl attitude out of her.

That's pretty nasty to bring her to a nursing home as a punishment. You are going to make her resentful and not want to visit you when she sticks you there.

I cannot imagine using a nursing home as a punishment but then again my kid loves going to see grandma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not insist my child go to the party, BUT I would not let her get away with the "lame"excuse. She would either accompany me to the retirement home to visit old people or spend the day in church. I would know the mean girl attitude out of her.

I tried something like that once for a similar attitude issue and my DD, then age 9, sat silently in a chair in the corner the entire time and engaged with only 1-2 word answers when I or the person we were visiting tried to draw her into conversation. She didn't want to be there and it was obvious. When we went home (we left early because I had to apologize for her embarrassingly rude behavior) I sent her directly to her room for the rest of the day and said she could only be around people if she could be pleasant and not have a sulky attitude. The silent treatment she gave the entire family lasted for nearly a week despite escalating loss of privileges, and ultimately the forced visit/attempt at volunteerism did no good as a teaching moment and was only awkward for the people we visited because it is obvious when someone does not want to be somewhere and in the end you can't force anyone to engage with others socially. I would not use visiting or socializing with others as a punishment or lesson for an unwilling child because the other people do not deserve to be subjected to that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would want to have her go as well simply to be friendly. As long as she can choke down her "lame" attitude long enough to be nice to someone. If not then she should stay home.

Have her think about it for a minute. What if she was in this girl's position?

This is a good chance for her to do some thinking about basic kindness. She's in third grade... is she really already to cool to be nice to someone?

I agree with this and the last PP, too.

Sometimes we do things to be kind. Your daughter's group is cutting this girl out.

I would insist my daughter go.

None of you attend church, school, family, or friend events just because you want to be kind and support the person/institution throwing the party?

If you want to be at an event for any reason, that's a good reason to go, and it's different than forcing an unwilling child to go to a party for someone she doesn't really socialize with or know very well doing an activity she would rather not be doing. I would worry that it'd be obvious she didn't want to be there and the birthday child would know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Former new girl here.
I grew up moving around tons, so I was frequently the new kid. Please don't make your kids go to parties they don't want to go to to teach them kindness or whatever you want to call it.
The kid knows. The kid always knows, no matter how friendly you make your child be. I always knew.

No one wants, pity guests or pity friends.

Making your child go is more for you so you can pat yourself on the back for being what you think is a good parent.

OP, your daughter is old enough to decide if the party sounds like something she wants to attend ( please spare me the mean girl assumptions because all of us even as adults decide if we want to go to a party based on how fun it sounds etc)

I would have a talk with her about the kind of people she hangs around with and how they treat others, and if she would want to be treated that way , thinking for herself etc. Those are tools she needs not forced kindness. You won't be able to force her to go to every party or be friends with everyone as she ages, but teaching her how to choose her friends wisely and thinking for herself, etc will serve her will and last longer than the days of forced playmates.

+1 as another former frequent new kid. Well said.

[Anonymous]

Right off the bat, this sounds like a kid who doesn't have a lot of friends -- which would make sense if she's new and transferred to the private school in 3rd grade rather than in K with the rest of the kids. And I think it's about your DD and her friends deciding -- party doesn't sound exciting and we don't like her (or she at least isn't one of us) -- so we're not going, it's lame. Chances are they would NOT have come to that conclusion even if one of the kids in their friend group had a "lame" party -- they would have sucked it up and gone and eaten the McDonalds. Your call what to do, and while I don't generally force socialization, I would consider forcing it this time bc it really could help out the new kid bc if a few kids go, the rest will start to think maybe she's an ok kid (even if they decline the party and hear later that others went) and that'll go a long way in her making friends.