DD does not want to go to classmate's bday party because 'it looks lame'

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not insist my child go to the party, BUT I would not let her get away with the "lame"excuse. She would either accompany me to the retirement home to visit old people or spend the day in church. I would know the mean girl attitude out of her.

I tried something like that once for a similar attitude issue and my DD, then age 9, sat silently in a chair in the corner the entire time and engaged with only 1-2 word answers when I or the person we were visiting tried to draw her into conversation. She didn't want to be there and it was obvious. When we went home (we left early because I had to apologize for her embarrassingly rude behavior) I sent her directly to her room for the rest of the day and said she could only be around people if she could be pleasant and not have a sulky attitude. The silent treatment she gave the entire family lasted for nearly a week despite escalating loss of privileges, and ultimately the forced visit/attempt at volunteerism did no good as a teaching moment and was only awkward for the people we visited because it is obvious when someone does not want to be somewhere and in the end you can't force anyone to engage with others socially. I would not use visiting or socializing with others as a punishment or lesson for an unwilling child because the other people do not deserve to be subjected to that.

Unfortunately, it sounds like it was too late for your daughter, by then she was walking all over you. Do you think anything else would have worked? To little, too late.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not insist my child go to the party, BUT I would not let her get away with the "lame"excuse. She would either accompany me to the retirement home to visit old people or spend the day in church. I would know the mean girl attitude out of her.

I tried something like that once for a similar attitude issue and my DD, then age 9, sat silently in a chair in the corner the entire time and engaged with only 1-2 word answers when I or the person we were visiting tried to draw her into conversation. She didn't want to be there and it was obvious. When we went home (we left early because I had to apologize for her embarrassingly rude behavior) I sent her directly to her room for the rest of the day and said she could only be around people if she could be pleasant and not have a sulky attitude. The silent treatment she gave the entire family lasted for nearly a week despite escalating loss of privileges, and ultimately the forced visit/attempt at volunteerism did no good as a teaching moment and was only awkward for the people we visited because it is obvious when someone does not want to be somewhere and in the end you can't force anyone to engage with others socially. I would not use visiting or socializing with others as a punishment or lesson for an unwilling child because the other people do not deserve to be subjected to that.

Unfortunately, it sounds like it was too late for your daughter, by then she was walking all over you. Do you think anything else would have worked? To little, too late.

She was raised with the exact same discipline as her older sisters, which pretty much worked out fine for them, but I agree that it wasn't the right approach for her, didn't work, and required a change. Things eventually got straightened out and are much improved, but I needed the support of family therapy to get to that point, especially since everything about my way of relating to DD had to change. She's still highly resistant to control and the one thing she values above all else is her independence. But that's rather beside the point -- my point was that it's incredibly hard to make someone socialize who is determined not to and that I don't think it's a good idea to use forced socializing with others as a lesson in kindness to kids because if the kid is inclined to be unkind at the time (and thus in need of the lesson) other people should not have to deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Holy shit, i can't believe dcum has gotten so nasty as to suggest that because a kid is having a party at the library and mcdonalds, they must be low SES on scholarship. What the fuck is wrong with you people?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not insist my child go to the party, BUT I would not let her get away with the "lame"excuse. She would either accompany me to the retirement home to visit old people or spend the day in church. I would know the mean girl attitude out of her.

I tried something like that once for a similar attitude issue and my DD, then age 9, sat silently in a chair in the corner the entire time and engaged with only 1-2 word answers when I or the person we were visiting tried to draw her into conversation. She didn't want to be there and it was obvious. When we went home (we left early because I had to apologize for her embarrassingly rude behavior) I sent her directly to her room for the rest of the day and said she could only be around people if she could be pleasant and not have a sulky attitude. The silent treatment she gave the entire family lasted for nearly a week despite escalating loss of privileges, and ultimately the forced visit/attempt at volunteerism did no good as a teaching moment and was only awkward for the people we visited because it is obvious when someone does not want to be somewhere and in the end you can't force anyone to engage with others socially. I would not use visiting or socializing with others as a punishment or lesson for an unwilling child because the other people do not deserve to be subjected to that.

Sounds like your daughter is a little shit who would have been better served by preventing her from going to the "good" parties, rather than forcing her to go the "lame" ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Holy shit, i can't believe dcum has gotten so nasty as to suggest that because a kid is having a party at the library and mcdonalds, they must be low SES on scholarship. What the fuck is wrong with you people?

I don't see how that's nasty, unless the person suggesting it thinks that there's something inherently bad about being low SES, but as someone who would be considered fairly low SES by this area's standards it does seem like a logical conclusion to draw. McDonald's is not exactly expensive or upscale.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not insist my child go to the party, BUT I would not let her get away with the "lame"excuse. She would either accompany me to the retirement home to visit old people or spend the day in church. I would know the mean girl attitude out of her.

I tried something like that once for a similar attitude issue and my DD, then age 9, sat silently in a chair in the corner the entire time and engaged with only 1-2 word answers when I or the person we were visiting tried to draw her into conversation. She didn't want to be there and it was obvious. When we went home (we left early because I had to apologize for her embarrassingly rude behavior) I sent her directly to her room for the rest of the day and said she could only be around people if she could be pleasant and not have a sulky attitude. The silent treatment she gave the entire family lasted for nearly a week despite escalating loss of privileges, and ultimately the forced visit/attempt at volunteerism did no good as a teaching moment and was only awkward for the people we visited because it is obvious when someone does not want to be somewhere and in the end you can't force anyone to engage with others socially. I would not use visiting or socializing with others as a punishment or lesson for an unwilling child because the other people do not deserve to be subjected to that.

Unfortunately, it sounds like it was too late for your daughter, by then she was walking all over you. Do you think anything else would have worked? To little, too late.

She was raised with the exact same discipline as her older sisters, which pretty much worked out fine for them, but I agree that it wasn't the right approach for her, didn't work, and required a change. Things eventually got straightened out and are much improved, but I needed the support of family therapy to get to that point, especially since everything about my way of relating to DD had to change. She's still highly resistant to control and the one thing she values above all else is her independence. But that's rather beside the point -- my point was that it's incredibly hard to make someone socialize who is determined not to and that I don't think it's a good idea to use forced socializing with others as a lesson in kindness to kids because if the kid is inclined to be unkind at the time (and thus in need of the lesson) other people should not have to deal with it.

But you're giving advice based on your experience with one daughter whose behavior is extremely oppositional (you yourself say your other kids are different). The truth is that most 8 year olds would not have this kind of response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Holy shit, i can't believe dcum has gotten so nasty as to suggest that because a kid is having a party at the library and mcdonalds, they must be low SES on scholarship. What the fuck is wrong with you people?

I don't see how that's nasty, unless the person suggesting it thinks that there's something inherently bad about being low SES, but as someone who would be considered fairly low SES by this area's standards it does seem like a logical conclusion to draw. McDonald's is not exactly expensive or upscale.

Wait, so you're saying an 8-year old's birthday party should reflect their parents' salaries? That high SES families should throw an "expensive and upscale" party, so that the poor can be easily spotted with their low-budget affairs?

As a super high SES person who just had 6 kids over for a house party (that was well received by the kids, and adored by the parents), i guess i don't fit in with your class views of the world.

[Anonymous]

I agree about the forced kindness/pity friends etc.

I posted earlier that I would "want" to have her go. I wouldn't necessarily follow through, though. If I thought at all that she might not be happy, friendly.. whatever you want to call it.. she wouldn't go.

At some point a discussion about what kind of people she's friends with, thinking for herself etc. might be a good idea.

[Anonymous]

Given the added info that the classmate is new (and the possibility she is on scholarship or that tuition take every extra cent her family has -why else go McDs afterward?)...I would have her go.