Life with AP after divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We aren't married yet. I left my spouse, and then he left his wife. It's better than I imagined it would be. Some days we do nothing at all. He sits on the couch working, and I'm curled up next to him reading.
I like that he comes home to me, and I have dinner ready. I like that he does my laundry. I like that we spend time with friends together and go on road trips without his phone blowing up. My blood pressure is much better. I enjoy pillow talk. I like constantly hearing "we". I'm happy to have finally met his family. The best thing is he doesn't go back to her at night.

THIS is what we all want. Well, OK, this is what I want.

But wasn't this how it was at first with your ex? That's what I don't get. Relationships are always great at the beginning.

^This +1000. When it gets old and he gets bored get ready for him to cheat on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would guess many of you know quite a few couples who, if not APs, were at least uncomfortably close to it and are now totally happy couples with nice families. I mean, it's not like people are going to go around talking about it or laying it all out there. Not even necessarily out of shame but just because the genesis of a decade+ long relationship with children is really not relevant to anything going on right now. So, you can believe that all of these relationships crash and burn horribly with terrible outcomes for all involved, but especially the ones who chose to leave their spouses for each other, but I would bet there's a rather sizable but quiet population of well-functioning couples who were in this situation.

Well if one of them has children from before the current marriage, it becomes obvious whether there was infidelity or not by the way they talk about things. You may not know for sure but you know if it's a possibility. So overall I disagree with what you're saying.

I'm not sure what you mean. I know people with stepkids and could tell you zero about when or where or how their relationship started.

If two people are in a second marriage, that means it's possible one or both of them were an AP. If you know them socially, like at all, you have an idea of how strong that possibility is.

Well gee what an amazing idea - you DON'T know much about other people's relationships. But please by all means, feel free to judge.

Who's judging? Knowing that two people might have had an affair is not judging them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would guess many of you know quite a few couples who, if not APs, were at least uncomfortably close to it and are now totally happy couples with nice families. I mean, it's not like people are going to go around talking about it or laying it all out there. Not even necessarily out of shame but just because the genesis of a decade+ long relationship with children is really not relevant to anything going on right now. So, you can believe that all of these relationships crash and burn horribly with terrible outcomes for all involved, but especially the ones who chose to leave their spouses for each other, but I would bet there's a rather sizable but quiet population of well-functioning couples who were in this situation.

Well if one of them has children from before the current marriage, it becomes obvious whether there was infidelity or not by the way they talk about things. You may not know for sure but you know if it's a possibility. So overall I disagree with what you're saying.

I'm not sure what you mean. I know people with stepkids and could tell you zero about when or where or how their relationship started.

If two people are in a second marriage, that means it's possible one or both of them were an AP. If you know them socially, like at all, you have an idea of how strong that possibility is.

I think that is really a leap. Nor do I devote that much attention to trying to figure out how a couple got their start. Who cares?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We aren't married yet. I left my spouse, and then he left his wife. It's better than I imagined it would be. Some days we do nothing at all. He sits on the couch working, and I'm curled up next to him reading.
I like that he comes home to me, and I have dinner ready. I like that he does my laundry. I like that we spend time with friends together and go on road trips without his phone blowing up. My blood pressure is much better. I enjoy pillow talk. I like constantly hearing "we". I'm happy to have finally met his family. The best thing is he doesn't go back to her at night.

THIS is what we all want. Well, OK, this is what I want.

Ugh. How long has it been? Sounds like no kids.

He has 1 child. He's very active in Dc's life. I don't want to meet dc until after the divorce is final.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We aren't married yet. I left my spouse, and then he left his wife. It's better than I imagined it would be. Some days we do nothing at all. He sits on the couch working, and I'm curled up next to him reading.
I like that he comes home to me, and I have dinner ready. I like that he does my laundry. I like that we spend time with friends together and go on road trips without his phone blowing up. My blood pressure is much better. I enjoy pillow talk. I like constantly hearing "we". I'm happy to have finally met his family. The best thing is he doesn't go back to her at night.

THIS is what we all want. Well, OK, this is what I want.

But wasn't this how it was at first with your ex? That's what I don't get. Relationships are always great at the beginning.

^This +1000. When it gets old and he gets bored get ready for him to cheat on you.

No. It was never like this. I married for religious reasons. He was emotionally abusive and that turned physical. Having sex with me in my sleep. When I asked for a divorce he sodomized me.
I never felt safe. When I met my "ap" it was the first time I felt completely safe. I fell in love with him on our first date. I liked that when he smiled he smiled his eyes crinkled. Several years later I still get butterflies when he says my name.
I am so fucking happy. I wish we met under different circumstances. He loves me more than anyone in my life has loved me and I him. I love his family too. I never thought I'd feel this way about anyone and have them reciprocate. Several years into our relationship and he still worships the ground I walk on.

Everyone's story isn't the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would guess many of you know quite a few couples who, if not APs, were at least uncomfortably close to it and are now totally happy couples with nice families. I mean, it's not like people are going to go around talking about it or laying it all out there. Not even necessarily out of shame but just because the genesis of a decade+ long relationship with children is really not relevant to anything going on right now. So, you can believe that all of these relationships crash and burn horribly with terrible outcomes for all involved, but especially the ones who chose to leave their spouses for each other, but I would bet there's a rather sizable but quiet population of well-functioning couples who were in this situation.

Well if one of them has children from before the current marriage, it becomes obvious whether there was infidelity or not by the way they talk about things. You may not know for sure but you know if it's a possibility. So overall I disagree with what you're saying.

I'm not sure what you mean. I know people with stepkids and could tell you zero about when or where or how their relationship started.

If two people are in a second marriage, that means it's possible one or both of them were an AP. If you know them socially, like at all, you have an idea of how strong that possibility is.

I think that is really a leap. Nor do I devote that much attention to trying to figure out how a couple got their start. Who cares?

Are you kidding me? We all love the how did you meet story! I've never been around a couple and not swap a how did you guys meet or when did you know this person was the one story!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We aren't married yet. I left my spouse, and then he left his wife. It's better than I imagined it would be. Some days we do nothing at all. He sits on the couch working, and I'm curled up next to him reading.
I like that he comes home to me, and I have dinner ready. I like that he does my laundry. I like that we spend time with friends together and go on road trips without his phone blowing up. My blood pressure is much better. I enjoy pillow talk. I like constantly hearing "we". I'm happy to have finally met his family. The best thing is he doesn't go back to her at night.

THIS is what we all want. Well, OK, this is what I want.

But wasn't this how it was at first with your ex? That's what I don't get. Relationships are always great at the beginning.

^This +1000. When it gets old and he gets bored get ready for him to cheat on you.

No. It was never like this. I married for religious reasons. He was emotionally abusive and that turned physical. Having sex with me in my sleep. When I asked for a divorce he sodomized me.
I never felt safe. When I met my "ap" it was the first time I felt completely safe. I fell in love with him on our first date. I liked that when he smiled he smiled his eyes crinkled. Several years later I still get butterflies when he says my name.
I am so fucking happy. I wish we met under different circumstances. He loves me more than anyone in my life has loved me and I him. I love his family too. I never thought I'd feel this way about anyone and have them reciprocate. Several years into our relationship and he still worships the ground I walk on.

Everyone's story isn't the same.

FUCK. If that's true, then you have all of our blessings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We aren't married yet. I left my spouse, and then he left his wife. It's better than I imagined it would be. Some days we do nothing at all. He sits on the couch working, and I'm curled up next to him reading.
I like that he comes home to me, and I have dinner ready. I like that he does my laundry. I like that we spend time with friends together and go on road trips without his phone blowing up. My blood pressure is much better. I enjoy pillow talk. I like constantly hearing "we". I'm happy to have finally met his family. The best thing is he doesn't go back to her at night.

THIS is what we all want. Well, OK, this is what I want.

Ugh. How long has it been? Sounds like no kids.

He has 1 child. He's very active in Dc's life. I don't want to meet dc until after the divorce is final.

Ha.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would guess many of you know quite a few couples who, if not APs, were at least uncomfortably close to it and are now totally happy couples with nice families. I mean, it's not like people are going to go around talking about it or laying it all out there. Not even necessarily out of shame but just because the genesis of a decade+ long relationship with children is really not relevant to anything going on right now. So, you can believe that all of these relationships crash and burn horribly with terrible outcomes for all involved, but especially the ones who chose to leave their spouses for each other, but I would bet there's a rather sizable but quiet population of well-functioning couples who were in this situation.

Well if one of them has children from before the current marriage, it becomes obvious whether there was infidelity or not by the way they talk about things. You may not know for sure but you know if it's a possibility. So overall I disagree with what you're saying.

I'm not sure what you mean. I know people with stepkids and could tell you zero about when or where or how their relationship started.

Very few people knew we were blended. People assumed all five kids were just "our kids". My step kids and my bios lived with us full time. We had a child together as well. My step kids referred to me as "my mom". They called each other "my brother/my sister". They never use the term "step". Our kids look a lot alike. We looked and functioned just like any other family. The only people who knew all five were not biologically mine were very close friends and family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH left his ex for me. I wasn't really an AP in the normal sense. There was no deceit or sneaking around. He moved out before we started dating. They were separated, but still married. In hind site, I wish we had waited until the divorce was final. I think it would have been easier for her. The kids were too young to know the difference. They were 4 and 7. After we got married, they lived with us full time.

Did he leave his wife for you? Or he had already left her and then met you? You say there was no deceit but obviously there was immoral behavior (like, I don't know, getting involved with a man who is married? But he already left her! But wait, no, he left her for me actually!) You make no sense. If he were truly separated from his wife and had no possibility of reconciliation when you first got involved, you would not have posted on this thread. And "the kids were too young to know the difference"???? At 4 and 7?? Bitch, please. You call her bitter but at least she's not deluded. You broke up a marriage. Own it.

Glad you spoke up, PP. Sounds like the poster is trying to assuage her guilt by saying her ex is happy, the kids were not affected, and only the women whose marriage she destroyed is bitter. There was a little note of triumph in her post which was quite unsavory.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From what I have seen: couples who affair pre-kids and the marriage ends - sometimes the APs make it work for the long haul.

Couples with kids who break up the family for their AP. It never lasts. OK, I am sure there are exception, but I haven't seen one yet.

This is your "exception", although I think there are many more. Sometimes you get married to one person, and then your soulmate comes along. The heart wants what the heart wants. The couple here did things right. They built a friendship founded in their devotion to their kids, and then it turned into something more. They couldn't deny their feelings any longer, so they confessed their love to each other. Each announced to his/her respective spouse that they'd be leaving for the other person. THEN they consummated their relationship. Not one moment before.

So they consummated their relationship after they told their spouses they were leaving but still married to said spouses. And any adult who seriously uses the term "soulmate" and the phrase "the heart wants what the heart wants" is to sophomoric to form a rational idea of a marriage. Go back to your computer and churn out a few more outlines for the bodice ripper you can't even self publish on Amazon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would guess many of you know quite a few couples who, if not APs, were at least uncomfortably close to it and are now totally happy couples with nice families. I mean, it's not like people are going to go around talking about it or laying it all out there. Not even necessarily out of shame but just because the genesis of a decade+ long relationship with children is really not relevant to anything going on right now. So, you can believe that all of these relationships crash and burn horribly with terrible outcomes for all involved, but especially the ones who chose to leave their spouses for each other, but I would bet there's a rather sizable but quiet population of well-functioning couples who were in this situation.

Well if one of them has children from before the current marriage, it becomes obvious whether there was infidelity or not by the way they talk about things. You may not know for sure but you know if it's a possibility. So overall I disagree with what you're saying.

I'm not sure what you mean. I know people with stepkids and could tell you zero about when or where or how their relationship started.

Very few people knew we were blended. People assumed all five kids were just "our kids". My step kids and my bios lived with us full time. We had a child together as well. My step kids referred to me as "my mom". They called each other "my brother/my sister". They never use the term "step". Our kids look a lot alike. We looked and functioned just like any other family. The only people who knew all five were not biologically mine were very close friends and family.

Were you an AP? Very unusual for step kids to take to a step mom so well in that situation. Very unusual for kids to live with their dad full-time after a divorce. This anecdote reads like an exception that proves the rule if anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We aren't married yet. I left my spouse, and then he left his wife. It's better than I imagined it would be. Some days we do nothing at all. He sits on the couch working, and I'm curled up next to him reading.
I like that he comes home to me, and I have dinner ready. I like that he does my laundry. I like that we spend time with friends together and go on road trips without his phone blowing up. My blood pressure is much better. I enjoy pillow talk. I like constantly hearing "we". I'm happy to have finally met his family. The best thing is he doesn't go back to her at night.

THIS is what we all want. Well, OK, this is what I want.

But wasn't this how it was at first with your ex? That's what I don't get. Relationships are always great at the beginning.

^This +1000. When it gets old and he gets bored get ready for him to cheat on you.

No. It was never like this. I married for religious reasons. He was emotionally abusive and that turned physical. Having sex with me in my sleep. When I asked for a divorce he sodomized me.
I never felt safe. When I met my "ap" it was the first time I felt completely safe. I fell in love with him on our first date. I liked that when he smiled he smiled his eyes crinkled. Several years later I still get butterflies when he says my name.
I am so fucking happy. I wish we met under different circumstances. He loves me more than anyone in my life has loved me and I him. I love his family too. I never thought I'd feel this way about anyone and have them reciprocate. Several years into our relationship and he still worships the ground I walk on.

Everyone's story isn't the same.

FUCK. If that's true, then you have all of our blessings.

It's all true. After my ex husband raped me I came to dc asking for advice because I was completely traumatised by it and didn't know what to do

[Anonymous]

*dcum not dc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would guess many of you know quite a few couples who, if not APs, were at least uncomfortably close to it and are now totally happy couples with nice families. I mean, it's not like people are going to go around talking about it or laying it all out there. Not even necessarily out of shame but just because the genesis of a decade+ long relationship with children is really not relevant to anything going on right now. So, you can believe that all of these relationships crash and burn horribly with terrible outcomes for all involved, but especially the ones who chose to leave their spouses for each other, but I would bet there's a rather sizable but quiet population of well-functioning couples who were in this situation.

Well if one of them has children from before the current marriage, it becomes obvious whether there was infidelity or not by the way they talk about things. You may not know for sure but you know if it's a possibility. So overall I disagree with what you're saying.

I'm not sure what you mean. I know people with stepkids and could tell you zero about when or where or how their relationship started.

If two people are in a second marriage, that means it's possible one or both of them were an AP. If you know them socially, like at all, you have an idea of how strong that possibility is.

I think that is really a leap. Nor do I devote that much attention to trying to figure out how a couple got their start. Who cares?

Are you kidding me? We all love the how did you meet story! I've never been around a couple and not swap a how did you guys meet or when did you know this person was the one story!!

Well, cheaters lie, so they just make up a story.