Need sdvice for this situation with my mom and sister

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very sad reading over this thread and I have not seen every one but there seems to be a lot of finger pointing and anger.

Obviously lots of people who do not have strong an healthy high function family relationships...a sad American phenomenon.

Sister is selfish and I do not think its unreasonable to expect a grown woman to remember her mothers birthday or Mothers Day. Anyone who does has major issues.

Furthermore nor is it unreasonable to expect a grown daughter to call/reach out to her elderly parents once a month. Does anyone really truly think that is "too much" ? If so I feel incredibly sorry for you.

It doesn't sound like OP's family is very healthy to me.

Parents reap what they sow and I am willing to bet that mom and dad treated the "wayward" sister poorly and now the price they pay is a distant relationship.

I've seen it time and time again, the other siblings don't see it because they were treated differently and they assume their memories are their siblings memories.

The parents assume they are entitled to a close relationship with the adult child the did not nurture growing up.

If you want closeness make sure you foster that.

+100000

It's a complete lose-lose situation for the distant sibling. When they set the boundaries they need to stay sane, they feel guilty about not measuring up to what family "should" be. When they engage with the family a bit more, they're immediately singled out for being the sole responsible for the family's situation. And when they try to find a middle ground between their need for distance and their ability to be there as much as they can, they won't measure up to expectation and get pushed away even further.

OP, try putting yourself in your sister's shoes. She's caught between a rock and a hard place and you're not helping. You CANNOT guilt people into behaving in a way YOU think is right. And if you're not willing to meet your sister halfway, don't be surprised if she cuts you off for good one day.

[Anonymous]

During the winter we live near my MIL (age 86) and my wife drops by almost every day just to check in and maybe take her shopping. During the summer she calls her mother almost every day. My wife's sister lives in the same town year round as her mother and it can be weeks in between phone calls or a visit. My wife and her sister are actually quite close, but it drives my wife nuts that her sister just doesn't seem to care. My SIL never asks my wife about our children and grandchildren and was too busy to attend two of three of our kids weddings. What struck my wife as amazing was one day her sister telling her that "she wasn't really into family." She's been married twice but with no children and most conversations with her are all about her. I'm use to it and accept it as does my wife. She's her sister and loves her and simply has come to accept that that's the way it is and there is little she can do about it. If someone isn't into family you can't convince them that they need to be. Some people are just wired differently. You just might need to live with very low expectations for your sisters involvement with her family and be pleasantly surprised if she does something nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:During the winter we live near my MIL (age 86) and my wife drops by almost every day just to check in and maybe take her shopping. During the summer she calls her mother almost every day. My wife's sister lives in the same town year round as her mother and it can be weeks in between phone calls or a visit. My wife and her sister are actually quite close, but it drives my wife nuts that her sister just doesn't seem to care. My SIL never asks my wife about our children and grandchildren and was too busy to attend two of three of our kids weddings. What struck my wife as amazing was one day her sister telling her that "she wasn't really into family." She's been married twice but with no children and most conversations with her are all about her. I'm use to it and accept it as does my wife. She's her sister and loves her and simply has come to accept that that's the way it is and there is little she can do about it. If someone isn't into family you can't convince them that they need to be. Some people are just wired differently. You just might need to live with very low expectations for your sisters involvement with her family and be pleasantly surprised if she does something nice.

I like your perspective OP here- I want to add m expectations have over time become very low for my relationship with my sister and myself however it's hard to accept the crumbs she throws to the,- it is disheartening.

But now I see even with how she treats them I need to detat h and realize that she obviously does not need or want family connections at this time. Makes me very sad that this is it with my only sister but it's the reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who suffers from depression and ADD, I find this thread vilifying a woman whose only crimes are not calling frequently enough and not remembering birthdays absolutely disgusting. You type-A people are horrible.

OP said her sister is type A. In my experience, type A people do not usually "forget" birthdays or Mother's Day.

But depressed/anxious and add people do. And with a family like OP's it wouldn't surprise me if her sister had a mood disorder. I can't believe all this over birthdays and phone calls. If OP's mom is going to be a prima donna about her birthday, then she needs to call her daughter and say "my birthday is important to me. Will you please come over to celebrate?" OP seems to want some badge for martyring herself to visit her mom frequently.

[Anonymous]

I want to know why you aren't equally outrages at your brother, who sounds more absent than your sister. In your original post, you totally excuse the brother who you see twice a year and who doesn't seem very engaged with your parents but you accuse your sister of "treating your parents like crap" for contacting them and seeming them more frequently than your brother but less frequently than you. It seems like you are holding the bar much higher for your sister than your brother. Why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I want to know why you aren't equally outrages at your brother, who sounds more absent than your sister. In your original post, you totally excuse the brother who you see twice a year and who doesn't seem very engaged with your parents but you accuse your sister of "treating your parents like crap" for contacting them and seeming them more frequently than your brother but less frequently than you. It seems like you are holding the bar much higher for your sister than your brother. Why?

I got that impression too. It seems that the whole family is piling up grievances against one sibling/child. The outrage stems from the fact that she is close to parents and yet isn't involved, while the siblings who are not close are involved? How is that possible? Who would mom call if she was in a real emergency? DD nearby and not the one posting here, as what help would she be? Maybe nearby sister had enough of her moms constant demands and decided to distance herself, maybe she has a life while OP doesn't? Maybe mom is lying. My sister is often absentminded and I will remind her that it is mom's birthday, I don't see any malice in her forgetting, she is that type of person, I am the type that remembers these things. I think the outrage here is that just because that one daughter lives nearby, she should do the lion's share of caring and engaging her bored parents, so daughter living far feels good about actually abandoning her parents, but calling on the phone. OP, if you are so worried, move closer to mommy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Something happen between your sister and mom(most likely your sister wants space for your manipulative mother). You are being manipulated by your mom to act on her behalf. You do, now your mom and the sister have a cool relationship and you are crying to your mother= win for your manipulative mother. You either need to learn to play the game or get so space from your mother. Either way you are way over your head. Good luck!

+1

let me guess OP., you are the "good daughter" right? Yeah, your mom manipulated you into this situation. You need to step back and gain a bit of perspective. Your sister was right not to respond to your email. Send her a short apology email. Tell her that in hindsight you realize that it wasn't your place to meddle in the situation and that you realize now you are not totally aware of her situation or relationship with your parents.

+1000000 to both of these posts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your sister called you regularly and was friendly and kind. She visited your parents regularly and called them and even brought them gifts.

So, gifts were late. Your parents are grown ups. How about appreciating gifts? Who are you to audit the frequency of her contact with your parents, the content of her gifts, and the date of their delivery? You have SUCH a huge chip on your shoulder.

Question here. If you are SO concerned about your parents' heartbreak and loneliness, why did you move so far away? If you are so heartbroken that they are lonely, then YOU move back and visit them with your children daily or whatever you think your sister should be doing.

Your sister's annoyance with you is warranted. And maybe you think your annoyance with her is warranted and you're proud of yourself for criticizing her via email. That's between you two. But WTF?! You expect your mother to stop speaking to her because YOU are annoyed with her? You expect your mother to punish your sister and push her away because your sister doesn't feel like talking to you? What planet are you from that you think your mom should push away your sister to punish her for not having enough contact with YOU?!

I honestly cannot imagine why your sister would want to talk to you at all after this.

OP here wrong!!! NO she was not friendly and kind, she did not call regularly and did not visit my parents regularly and did not bring them gifts. SO lets get that straight.

I moved here to take run part of our family business. My husbands business is also here and my parents own a home here but as my mom has not been feeling well the milder weather there is much better for her. No I do not expect my mother to stop talking to my sister on anyone's account BUT considering she has vented to me for a few years off and on about all my sister did and I finally confronted her about it, I guess I expect a little "back up" for lack of a better word instead of putting myself out there like a lone wolf.

I for the record visit my parents about once every 4-5 weeks which is a lot given it involves having to get on a plane every time, ironically way more than my sister visits them who lives 15 min away via car, but I guess you are going to say that's OK too?

As my therapist said (who for the most part validated my feelings) its like of like three friends at school- friend A is always talking about friend B treating her unfairly....the hurt friend talks to the friend C as a sounding board, who eventually gets so upset hearing how friend A is treating friend B that she on her behalf confronts friend A. But then friend B does not back her up and decides she wants to keep the peace and be friends with both girls. But now there is bad blood between friend A and friend C and friend B is in a great spot as she is neutral and not on anyone's shit list. Thus the third friend put herself out there and ended up looking like the bad guy, though she was trying to be a good guy.

That's the way I see it and that is me. Its a lesson learned. My therapist did say unless my mom was willing to sit down and discuss this with my sister, she shoudl not have vented to the extent that she did about my sister and her wrong doings...naturally my brother and I became angry with her and hurt for our parents, and theres no end in sight here.

If your therapist didn't validate your feelings she'd lose you as a client. Of course therapists tend to be sympathetic to their clients. They don't get to hear the other person's side!!!!!!