Need sdvice for this situation with my mom and sister

[Anonymous]

OP, in a sense I get it because my sister is a total self involved flake as well. But instead of getting angry about it, I laugh at it, because there really isn't anything I can do the change her. I was discussing it with my dad, and suggested that if I died, my sister would probably not bother coming to the funeral if my mom told her she didn't absolutely have to. My dad agreed, and we both joked around about it. What can you do, you can't make someone be more involved with you than they want to be, so I just focus on my own life and try not to worry about it.

[Anonymous]

Have you considered that for some reason your mom hates your sister? She gossips her to your non stop and complains her and vilifies her? If she does it to you, she does it with her other friends, why? Surely this all started with something. If your mother is so negative about your sister to you, how is she to your sister in person? My own sister lives in the same house with my parents, separate apartments though, this is in Europe, and she says hi and bye as she works non stop, also a doctor, married. Yet, my mom never complains about her, when I bring it up she defends her.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you have expectations about your sister that are unreasonable. Not everyone is a birthday-remembering, call-every-day kind of person. You say your sister calls every 5/6 weeks... do your parents call her more frequently and she just doesn't answer and doesn't return calls? My guess is not. I have a sister who NEVER EVER calls me and I'm very busy with two young kids and my guess is my sister (who is the type to send thank you cards 5 minutes after receiving a gift) thinks I'm a horrible sister and is waiting for me to call her despite her never picking up the phone to call me. If your parents want to be closer to her, then it's their job to initiate, not sit back feeling sorry for themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, in a sense I get it because my sister is a total self involved flake as well. But instead of getting angry about it, I laugh at it, because there really isn't anything I can do the change her. I was discussing it with my dad, and suggested that if I died, my sister would probably not bother coming to the funeral if my mom told her she didn't absolutely have to. My dad agreed, and we both joked around about it. What can you do, you can't make someone be more involved with you than they want to be, so I just focus on my own life and try not to worry about it.

Ha, yep and I'm your "sister". Thanks for always painting me as the useless black sheep of the family. It only makes the distance between us that much more meaningful to me. The fact that you can't see how self-absorbed you are is hilarious.

[Anonymous]

As someone who suffers from depression and ADD, I find this thread vilifying a woman whose only crimes are not calling frequently enough and not remembering birthdays absolutely disgusting. You type-A people are horrible.

[Anonymous]

The fact that you can't see how self-absorbed you are is hilarious.

Ok, whatever you say.

[Anonymous]

Op you are not being honest with yourself. You claim you are helping your parents but you are not. You'd rather they fight with their daughter so you feel vindicated? That's for you, not for them. This is about attention. You need to get a life so you stop attention seeking from those who already have lives. Or go to therapy and figure out why you have this need for so much attention. Stop making drama for your poor family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone who suffers from depression and ADD, I find this thread vilifying a woman whose only crimes are not calling frequently enough and not remembering birthdays absolutely disgusting. You type-A people are horrible.

OP said her sister is type A. In my experience, type A people do not usually "forget" birthdays or Mother's Day.

[Anonymous]

Very sad reading over this thread and I have not seen every one but there seems to be a lot of finger pointing and anger.

Obviously lots of people who do not have strong an healthy high function family relationships...a sad American phenomenon.

Sister is selfish and I do not think its unreasonable to expect a grown woman to remember her mothers birthday or Mothers Day. Anyone who does has major issues.

Furthermore nor is it unreasonable to expect a grown daughter to call/reach out to her elderly parents once a month. Does anyone really truly think that is "too much" ? If so I feel incredibly sorry for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Very sad reading over this thread and I have not seen every one but there seems to be a lot of finger pointing and anger.

Obviously lots of people who do not have strong an healthy high function family relationships...a sad American phenomenon.

Sister is selfish and I do not think its unreasonable to expect a grown woman to remember her mothers birthday or Mothers Day. Anyone who does has major issues.

Furthermore nor is it unreasonable to expect a grown daughter to call/reach out to her elderly parents once a month. Does anyone really truly think that is "too much" ? If so I feel incredibly sorry for you.

What you have is codependency not strong and healthy family function.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Very sad reading over this thread and I have not seen every one but there seems to be a lot of finger pointing and anger.

Obviously lots of people who do not have strong an healthy high function family relationships...a sad American phenomenon.

Sister is selfish and I do not think its unreasonable to expect a grown woman to remember her mothers birthday or Mothers Day. Anyone who does has major issues.

Furthermore nor is it unreasonable to expect a grown daughter to call/reach out to her elderly parents once a month. Does anyone really truly think that is "too much" ? If so I feel incredibly sorry for you.

It doesn't sound like OP's family is very healthy to me.

Parents reap what they sow and I am willing to bet that mom and dad treated the "wayward" sister poorly and now the price they pay is a distant relationship.

I've seen it time and time again, the other siblings don't see it because they were treated differently and they assume their memories are their siblings memories.

The parents assume they are entitled to a close relationship with the adult child the did not nurture growing up.

If you want closeness make sure you foster that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Very sad reading over this thread and I have not seen every one but there seems to be a lot of finger pointing and anger.

Obviously lots of people who do not have strong an healthy high function family relationships...a sad American phenomenon.

Sister is selfish and I do not think its unreasonable to expect a grown woman to remember her mothers birthday or Mothers Day. Anyone who does has major issues.

Furthermore nor is it unreasonable to expect a grown daughter to call/reach out to her elderly parents once a month. Does anyone really truly think that is "too much" ? If so I feel incredibly sorry for you.

It's too much for some and not enough for others.

Each person gets to decide how much they want to contact family members.

No one has the right to bully or guilt someone into their version of a close relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your sister called you regularly and was friendly and kind. She visited your parents regularly and called them and even brought them gifts.

So, gifts were late. Your parents are grown ups. How about appreciating gifts? Who are you to audit the frequency of her contact with your parents, the content of her gifts, and the date of their delivery? You have SUCH a huge chip on your shoulder.

Question here. If you are SO concerned about your parents' heartbreak and loneliness, why did you move so far away? If you are so heartbroken that they are lonely, then YOU move back and visit them with your children daily or whatever you think your sister should be doing.

Your sister's annoyance with you is warranted. And maybe you think your annoyance with her is warranted and you're proud of yourself for criticizing her via email. That's between you two. But WTF?! You expect your mother to stop speaking to her because YOU are annoyed with her? You expect your mother to punish your sister and push her away because your sister doesn't feel like talking to you? What planet are you from that you think your mom should push away your sister to punish her for not having enough contact with YOU?!

I honestly cannot imagine why your sister would want to talk to you at all after this.

OP here wrong!!! NO she was not friendly and kind, she did not call regularly and did not visit my parents regularly and did not bring them gifts. SO lets get that straight.

I moved here to take run part of our family business. My husbands business is also here and my parents own a home here but as my mom has not been feeling well the milder weather there is much better for her. No I do not expect my mother to stop talking to my sister on anyone's account BUT considering she has vented to me for a few years off and on about all my sister did and I finally confronted her about it, I guess I expect a little "back up" for lack of a better word instead of putting myself out there like a lone wolf.

I for the record visit my parents about once every 4-5 weeks which is a lot given it involves having to get on a plane every time, ironically way more than my sister visits them who lives 15 min away via car, but I guess you are going to say that's OK too?

As my therapist said (who for the most part validated my feelings) its like of like three friends at school- friend A is always talking about friend B treating her unfairly....the hurt friend talks to the friend C as a sounding board, who eventually gets so upset hearing how friend A is treating friend B that she on her behalf confronts friend A. But then friend B does not back her up and decides she wants to keep the peace and be friends with both girls. But now there is bad blood between friend A and friend C and friend B is in a great spot as she is neutral and not on anyone's shit list. Thus the third friend put herself out there and ended up looking like the bad guy, though she was trying to be a good guy.

That's the way I see it and that is me. Its a lesson learned. My therapist did say unless my mom was willing to sit down and discuss this with my sister, she shoudl not have vented to the extent that she did about my sister and her wrong doings...naturally my brother and I became angry with her and hurt for our parents, and theres no end in sight here.

Did your therapist explain triangulation?? It's not a good thing ever! Sorry, I was trying to read to the end before commenting but stopped here for a headshake. Is it possible your sister has set boundaries for a reason? Maybe you could read the Boundaries book.

[Anonymous]

Sister is selfish and I do not think its unreasonable to expect a grown woman to remember her mothers birthday or Mothers Day. Anyone who does has major issues.

Furthermore nor is it unreasonable to expect a grown daughter to call/reach out to her elderly parents once a month. Does anyone really truly think that is "too much" ? If so I feel incredibly sorry for you.

It doesn't matter if the expectations are reasonable or unreasonable, the fact is, her sister is not going to live up to them, and OP should not be taking on the role of fixing that problem between her sister and her parents when her parents themselves are unwilling to change the status quo.

[Anonymous]

OP your mother says the same about you to your sister as she says to you about your sisters...people like her always talk bad about people behind their back. Wtf get a life, mind your own business. When your mother talks bad about your sister tell her to stop.