Need sdvice for this situation with my mom and sister

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she's that busy and overwhelmed all the time, how do you know if she even read the email? I don't know about you but I get about 30 emails a day. If I go on vacation and miss some I may never catch up.

I get hundreds and read over them every day if not every other..come on, two sisters not talking for 4 months?? Ugh, you think she noticed? Yea, think so.

[Anonymous]

Like everyone else, I think you overstepped and should have stayed out of it. But I'm really puzzled by this:

And my mom wants to keep the peace between someone who has treated her like total crap??? I feel like she is choosing keeping an amicable relationship with the one who does nothing for her over the wonderful relationship she has with the daughter that calls everyday and to my credit am overly thoughtful. I am just so hurt over this. I feel like I went out of my way to call this for what it is, my sister neglecting my elderly parents....and I am the one paying the ultimate price.

What ultimate price are you paying? It sounds like you want your mom to choose between her great daughter (you) and her more distant daughter.

Why are you hurt?

[Anonymous]

Very sad situation. I understand why you feel the way you do, OP, but you need to accept the things you cannot change. You can't change your sister. You'll be happier if you grieve over the relationship not being what you want it to be and learn to accept it for what it is. So sorry!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This could take pages to tell but am going to try to sum it up best I can-

I am from a family of 5, one sister and one brother. Brother lives on West Coast, a busy doctor who we only see once or twice a year. All is good there.
Sister lives a few states away (we are two years apart) and we have for the most part been quite close, but when we have a blowout it tends to last a while...normally its her that allows it to fester and its always me being the one to make up

She is super type A very driven, a real hardass in many ways, but underneath has a soft sensitive side, great kids whom I adore and a nice guy of a husband. The kind who offends a lot of people and doesn't always have a filter. But I still love her and when she is relaxed she can be a lot of fun.

She lives 15 min from my parents so you would think they see each other all the time. NOT. My sister has made almost no effort to see or speak to my parents on any kind of a frequent basis. In fact there are MONTHS that go by that she will not call or stop by to see them. So sad for my parents, who have tried. You would think she would do it for the kids alone...but no and now that they are teens its too late to set that precedent.

My mom and I are very close and we have both always wondered why she seems so disconnected , the strange thing is she will call my mom or me out of the blue after not speaking for 5-6 weeks and say "hey whats up" like we just talked last week. This is family...not a friend we rarely speak to.

Over the last few years, my mom has confided in me many instances in which both she and my dads feelings were very hurt. When my dad was away for 3 weeks and my mom (80) was alone and I called every day but she did not call once. When y mom had an operation and she did not call until a week later, when Mothers Day and her birthday came and she did not give her anything until almost 2 months later...saying she forgot it was in her trunk. Yes, stuff like that. You get the picture.

My sister treats me like she treats my mom, rarely calls, it is always me making the effort. She WILL call to vent about one of her kids or her job or her husband, when it serves her purpose. The more my mom would tell me the more it would infuriate and hurt me for them. I kept it in....but then this last time when she forgot about her birthday and and mothers day I could not help myself. I wrote her a sincere but truthful email about wondering why she is distancing herself so much from her own little family, who she knows loves and cares for her so much and that I thought ( and I very much do) that she will regret it one day when they are too old to do things with, and she looks back and cannot change it...she will not get that time back. I get it..... We are all busy, I have a career and too many things to do in a single day (far busier than her) but always find time to call or connect with those I love even if its for a few minutes.


I sent the email and we have not talked since. This was almost 4 months ago. I am so sad and hurt. When I told my parents, my mom and dad were both very touched and grateful that I did this. My mom said she was going to speak to her as well about what is going and that is overdue and that by both of us talking to her, maybe it would sink in as to why she would treat us like this. Every time I asked my mom if she did she said no, one time saying "because she talked the whole time on the phone" and I didn't get a chance and then finally the lat time I asked she said she wasn't going to that it wasn't worth the confrontation.

I was so upset and hurt. I put myself out there for my parents and more than had their back....and have now lost my relationship with my sister. And my mom wants to keep the peace between someone who has treated her like total crap??? I feel like she is choosing keeping an amicable relationship with the one who does nothing for her over the wonderful relationship she has with the daughter that calls everyday and to my credit am overly thoughtful. I am just so hurt over this. I feel like I went out of my way to call this for what it is, my sister neglecting my elderly parents....and I am the one paying the ultimate price.

Please if you can shed some light or help me with how to do deal with this delicate situation and how do you see it based upon the limited information I have provided- really struggling with this and really hoping for some clarity....thank you.

Something happen between your sister and mom(most likely your sister wants space for your manipulative mother). You are being manipulated by your mom to act on her behalf. You do, now your mom and the sister have a cool relationship and you are crying to your mother= win for your manipulative mother. You either need to learn to play the game or get so space from your mother. Either way you are way over your head. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Clearly a lot of dysfunctional families out there reading over some of these responses, for anyone to think this is within the realm of normal is CRAY CRAY as my 16 year old daughter says ! I am Italian and most of us (all 7 of us, talk almost daily if not 2-3 times a week. ALWAYS.

I would not put up with any of my siblings treating my parents that way. At that age they are lonely as hell and rely heavily on contact with their kids. That's just the truth and anyone who wants to argue with me on that is just a selfish SOB. Sorry.

So OP to answer your question if you come form a tight knit very close family like my own, that kind of disconnect and that much time going by would unheard of!!! However if you come from a family of dysfunction and where you dont' see or hear from each other often, then that presumably would be the norm.


Sounds like you are close and that is why you are hurt. You ahve every reason and it was brave of you to go up against your sister for your parents. I think they want to keep the peace and you need to understand that while you parents see you as the kind, caring one....they need to keep things ope with her too even if she has mistreated them.


My mom always says everyone has to one day reckon with the person they were not only to others but themselves. Trust me your sisters day will come and she will deeply regret the neglect she showed your parents. But its really her problem to deal with not yours, just keep on being kind and giving to your parents. That is the best you can do.

I'm not looking at it through a dysfunctional lens. I just recognize that we can't control the behavior of others. OP confronted her sister, and that's where it ends. The behavior won't change. If the sister does regret her behavior one day (no guarantee that she will), that's the sister's cross to bear.

[Anonymous]

But OP, what do you think is going to happen? Are you going to monitor how often your sister calls your parents after deciding on the correct amount of contact?

Also, it seems like you want your parents to be mad at your sister, and are goading them into being mad by bringing it up a lot and pointing it out, like a PP highlighted.

So is it really that you are upset about the lack of contact, or are you upset that your parents are ok with the lack of contact and you do more?

[Anonymous]

Things like this should be discussed with each other not written in an email. The problem with email is that people cannot hear your tone. I would call your sister and talk to her about this to sort it out. Stop with the emails and just talk. If you don't have a discussion with your sister about this the situation will remain the same. If you do have a discussion, chances are you can work things out. With regard to her rarely calling you... Well then you need to call her. She is your sister, and you should not be playing games about who calls who and how much. If you want to be in touch with her then you will have to make more effort than she. That is just how it is. You could certainly tell her how much you love her and that you wish she would call you more because you want to stay close to her. But you will need to take the high road and call her more if you want a relationship with her.

[Anonymous]

I'm afraid I still don't get it. There are many loving families where people live somewhat close and only talk once a month. You said your sister will call every 5-6 weeks just to say hello. This is the amount of contact that she has the time and interest in. Maybe she isn't that good at reading social cues to know that she is supposed to call when your father is out of town or right after your mother had surgery. But if you want to get her to call, just be direct and say please call mom, she would appreciate it. Don't tell her she will look back one day and regret her life. Not everyone knows (or even agrees) exactly how much contact to have with family. For instance you don't have to listen to that poster who said all 7 family members talk every day.

[Anonymous]

I have to say that I'm also curious about how much the busy West Coast doctor brother calls? Does he get a pass because he is a guy, a doctor, on the west coast (although the phone lines do stretch across the country, so that shouldn't matter)

[Anonymous]

You inserted yourself, you butted in. You are in the wrong. Your parents are grown-ass adults. If they want her to call and visit more, they can talk to her directly.

Tell your parents you are removing yourself from this drama. Tell your sister you are sorry for butting in.

[Anonymous]

Op, I am so sorry you are going through this. I have a similar situation in my family and the only way I could get the majority of my family to be "there" for my parents was to step back. By stepping back I mean I was there "manager" if you will, paying the bills, doctors appts., activities, care of their pets, etc. It was exhausting to do on my own especially with my own home, family and job to take care of, but I did it out of love and the duty of a daughter. For some reason my siblings, especially sisters, who lived much closer to my parents could never help out or stop in to see if everything was okay. In the end, for my mental health, I sent that email to, along with a new power of attorney and checking account and turned over everything to one of my sisters. I was always upset and offended that they weren't there as much as I and my husband had to be, and were, and this email provided an outlet to get somethings off my chest that I had been keeping in for over seven years. End result, little contact with my siblings (sad) but Mom and Dad now see all of them all the time because they are actively involved in my parents care. Do I regret the email, not for one moment, was I being manipulative, not at all. You sent that email out of frustration and there was nothing wrong with that. If your sister has a problem with being around your mother she should be grown up enough to share that with you, we know she is not shy given your description of her. Let her continue to stew in her unhappy little world and you foster your relationship with your parents for the sake of your children. You want them to see a loving relationship with you and your aging parents and don't talk about your sister ever in front of your children or parents. Change the subject if it comes up with your parents. This is your sister's burden to bear, not yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have to say that I'm also curious about how much the busy West Coast doctor brother calls? Does he get a pass because he is a guy, a doctor, on the west coast (although the phone lines do stretch across the country, so that shouldn't matter)

NP and I was about to ask this too. Brother gets a free pass but sister doesn't?

I think I have a good relationship with my mom and we email once a month or so to catch up and almost never talk on the phone. It's a normal about of interaction for us. If she wants more, I'd expect her to make the effort to initiate more.

[Anonymous]

Ugh another meddling sister thread...

OP focus on your relationship with your parents and let your sister figure out what kind of relationship she wants to have with them and with you.

[Anonymous]

Seems to be some out of line expectations, a lot of assumptions and people that have different ideals. Personally, I don't like calling my family - I end up on the phone too long, all they do is complain about things. One family member goes WAY overboard with useless emails and texts and is always expecting an immediate response. Another family member is busy - we catch up when we can. Its life. Accept them for who they are and what they can offer and leave it at that. It sounds like you and your mom have "rules" and your sister doesn't play by them. You give your busy brother who is a doctor a pass why not your sister?

[Anonymous]

OP your sister sounds SO much like me, except I am better about calling my parents, especially now that there we have kids, mostly out of deeply-ingrained sense of responsibility/duty. Still, most of the time they're the ones doing the calling. But if one of them was alone, I'd be more likely to follow up.

I do think that you're getting offended by unintentional stuff. She's self-involved, but that doesn't mean she doesn't care. And she may just expect her immediate family to "get" her and to accept her with her flaws.

If you want her to do things differently, I would say be specific and tell her what you want/need, without emotional baggage or attacks or anything. These will make her feel defensive and hurt her, which will make her shut down.

Your parents need to step up and act like grown ups.