Need sdvice for this situation with my mom and sister

[Anonymous]

Bottom line here is there are two camps- those that are from a really tight family and communicate freely and often and those who are bound by family ties but do not communicate more than is needed. I am from the former however had a brother who was a lot like your sister. Noone in our family "got him".

In fact like your sister, he too was a hardass and issues getting along with a lot of people. When he got his way he was often because he bullied himself into it. It was not an attractive quality. He never really made my parents feel important, or any of his siblings for that matter. To no surprise he was married and divorced three times.

Bottom line he became seriously ill a year ago and only then when for the first time in his life he was totally vulnerable did he A. realize that the only ones really there for him were us, his family and B. and he said this himself "he had tremendous regrets over time lost".....it took getting sick for him to realize this.

Like my brother, OP's sister sounds like a poster child narcissist, its all about her. Sadly it sometimes takes a major life change for them to be jolted to see what is missing in their life.

Think OP has every right to feel sad and hurt for her parents, meddling was her prerogative but I am sure she knew she would not change her sister's behavior. Maybe it made her feel better. I get it, having gone through, I really do get it.

[Anonymous]

"Narcissistic" doesn't mean what many people on this thread thinks it means. Just because someone isn't interested in maintaining family ties doesn't mean that person is 'narcissistic'. If you're going to use a term, best to know what it actually means.


....having an excessive or erotic interest in oneself and one's physical appearance."a narcissistic actress"
synonyms: vain, self-loving, self-admiring, self-absorbed, self-obsessed, conceited, self-centered, self-regarding, egotistic, egotistical, egoistic;
informal: full of oneself "she was never happy in the narcissistic life that her press agent and manager had crafted for her"

[Anonymous]

Well, I could be your sister. I call my mother just enough to keep her from calling all my sisters and bitching about how I don't call her.

She's annoying, manipulative and clearly favors my oldest daughter, to the exclusion of the rest of her grandchildren. I've had it. Luckily, she's 87 and hopefully will die soon.

Mostly I ignore my sisters too.

[Anonymous]

OP, your sister called you regularly and was friendly and kind. She visited your parents regularly and called them and even brought them gifts.

So, gifts were late. Your parents are grown ups. How about appreciating gifts? Who are you to audit the frequency of her contact with your parents, the content of her gifts, and the date of their delivery? You have SUCH a huge chip on your shoulder.

Question here. If you are SO concerned about your parents' heartbreak and loneliness, why did you move so far away? If you are so heartbroken that they are lonely, then YOU move back and visit them with your children daily or whatever you think your sister should be doing.

Your sister's annoyance with you is warranted. And maybe you think your annoyance with her is warranted and you're proud of yourself for criticizing her via email. That's between you two. But WTF?! You expect your mother to stop speaking to her because YOU are annoyed with her? You expect your mother to punish your sister and push her away because your sister doesn't feel like talking to you? What planet are you from that you think your mom should push away your sister to punish her for not having enough contact with YOU?!

I honestly cannot imagine why your sister would want to talk to you at all after this.

[Anonymous]

Your sister has a spouse and kids. Those are her family. She doesn't owe you or your parents anything. You sound tiresome. I'd never speak to you again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This could take pages to tell but am going to try to sum it up best I can-

I am from a family of 5, one sister and one brother. Brother lives on West Coast, a busy doctor who we only see once or twice a year. All is good there.
Sister lives a few states away (we are two years apart) and we have for the most part been quite close, but when we have a blowout it tends to last a while...normally its her that allows it to fester and its always me being the one to make up

She is super type A very driven, a real hardass in many ways, but underneath has a soft sensitive side, great kids whom I adore and a nice guy of a husband. The kind who offends a lot of people and doesn't always have a filter. But I still love her and when she is relaxed she can be a lot of fun.

She lives 15 min from my parents so you would think they see each other all the time. NOT. My sister has made almost no effort to see or speak to my parents on any kind of a frequent basis. In fact there are MONTHS that go by that she will not call or stop by to see them. So sad for my parents, who have tried. You would think she would do it for the kids alone...but no and now that they are teens its too late to set that precedent.

My mom and I are very close and we have both always wondered why she seems so disconnected , the strange thing is she will call my mom or me out of the blue after not speaking for 5-6 weeks and say "hey whats up" like we just talked last week. This is family...not a friend we rarely speak to.

Over the last few years, my mom has confided in me many instances in which both she and my dads feelings were very hurt. When my dad was away for 3 weeks and my mom (80) was alone and I called every day but she did not call once. When y mom had an operation and she did not call until a week later, when Mothers Day and her birthday came and she did not give her anything until almost 2 months later...saying she forgot it was in her trunk. Yes, stuff like that. You get the picture.

My sister treats me like she treats my mom, rarely calls, it is always me making the effort. She WILL call to vent about one of her kids or her job or her husband, when it serves her purpose. The more my mom would tell me the more it would infuriate and hurt me for them. I kept it in....but then this last time when she forgot about her birthday and and mothers day I could not help myself. I wrote her a sincere but truthful email about wondering why she is distancing herself so much from her own little family, who she knows loves and cares for her so much and that I thought ( and I very much do) that she will regret it one day when they are too old to do things with, and she looks back and cannot change it...she will not get that time back. I get it..... We are all busy, I have a career and too many things to do in a single day (far busier than her) but always find time to call or connect with those I love even if its for a few minutes.


I sent the email and we have not talked since. This was almost 4 months ago. I am so sad and hurt. When I told my parents, my mom and dad were both very touched and grateful that I did this. My mom said she was going to speak to her as well about what is going and that is overdue and that by both of us talking to her, maybe it would sink in as to why she would treat us like this. Every time I asked my mom if she did she said no, one time saying "because she talked the whole time on the phone" and I didn't get a chance and then finally the lat time I asked she said she wasn't going to that it wasn't worth the confrontation.

I was so upset and hurt. I put myself out there for my parents and more than had their back....and have now lost my relationship with my sister. And my mom wants to keep the peace between someone who has treated her like total crap??? I feel like she is choosing keeping an amicable relationship with the one who does nothing for her over the wonderful relationship she has with the daughter that calls everyday and to my credit am overly thoughtful. I am just so hurt over this. I feel like I went out of my way to call this for what it is, my sister neglecting my elderly parents....and I am the one paying the ultimate price.

Please if you can shed some light or help me with how to do deal with this delicate situation and how do you see it based upon the limited information I have provided- really struggling with this and really hoping for some clarity....thank you.

Something happen between your sister and mom(most likely your sister wants space for your manipulative mother). You are being manipulated by your mom to act on her behalf. You do, now your mom and the sister have a cool relationship and you are crying to your mother= win for your manipulative mother. You either need to learn to play the game or get so space from your mother. Either way you are way over your head. Good luck!

+1

let me guess OP., you are the "good daughter" right? Yeah, your mom manipulated you into this situation. You need to step back and gain a bit of perspective. Your sister was right not to respond to your email. Send her a short apology email. Tell her that in hindsight you realize that it wasn't your place to meddle in the situation and that you realize now you are not totally aware of her situation or relationship with your parents.

[Anonymous]

Also, FYI, paying the "ultimate price" means being killed in service to your country.

It's not having your sister take a little distance from you for a few months. GTF over yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, FYI, paying the "ultimate price" means being killed in service to your country.

It's not having your sister take a little distance from you for a few months. GTF over yourself.

This.

[Anonymous]

I'm in a similar situation but I'm your sister (we also have a brother who's a doc lives far away). I distanced myself from my mother because she is toxic and began a campaign of lies, smear and harassment against me to break me up with mybf. Well, she played victim to my sister and got her to join her side to shame and harass me over my life choices. I tried to ask my sister to stay out of it but she wouldn't. Now I'm estranged from my whole family of origin, and am about to move far away. Its been very painful.

OP, pls learn to let other adults manage their own lives and relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Narcissistic" doesn't mean what many people on this thread thinks it means. Just because someone isn't interested in maintaining family ties doesn't mean that person is 'narcissistic'. If you're going to use a term, best to know what it actually means.


....having an excessive or erotic interest in oneself and one's physical appearance."a narcissistic actress"
synonyms: vain, self-loving, self-admiring, self-absorbed, self-obsessed, conceited, self-centered, self-regarding, egotistic, egotistical, egoistic;
informal: full of oneself "she was never happy in the narcissistic life that her press agent and manager had crafted for her"

From all that has been described the sister does indeed sound quite narcissistic. Self loving, and caring more about herself than her parents or sister i.e. forgetting her own moms birthday and Mother's Day until she 'realized two months later they were in the trunk". Yep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your sister called you regularly and was friendly and kind. She visited your parents regularly and called them and even brought them gifts.

So, gifts were late. Your parents are grown ups. How about appreciating gifts? Who are you to audit the frequency of her contact with your parents, the content of her gifts, and the date of their delivery? You have SUCH a huge chip on your shoulder.

Question here. If you are SO concerned about your parents' heartbreak and loneliness, why did you move so far away? If you are so heartbroken that they are lonely, then YOU move back and visit them with your children daily or whatever you think your sister should be doing.

Your sister's annoyance with you is warranted. And maybe you think your annoyance with her is warranted and you're proud of yourself for criticizing her via email. That's between you two. But WTF?! You expect your mother to stop speaking to her because YOU are annoyed with her? You expect your mother to punish your sister and push her away because your sister doesn't feel like talking to you? What planet are you from that you think your mom should push away your sister to punish her for not having enough contact with YOU?!

I honestly cannot imagine why your sister would want to talk to you at all after this.

OP here wrong!!! NO she was not friendly and kind, she did not call regularly and did not visit my parents regularly and did not bring them gifts. SO lets get that straight.

I moved here to take run part of our family business. My husbands business is also here and my parents own a home here but as my mom has not been feeling well the milder weather there is much better for her. No I do not expect my mother to stop talking to my sister on anyone's account BUT considering she has vented to me for a few years off and on about all my sister did and I finally confronted her about it, I guess I expect a little "back up" for lack of a better word instead of putting myself out there like a lone wolf.

I for the record visit my parents about once every 4-5 weeks which is a lot given it involves having to get on a plane every time, ironically way more than my sister visits them who lives 15 min away via car, but I guess you are going to say that's OK too?

As my therapist said (who for the most part validated my feelings) its like of like three friends at school- friend A is always talking about friend B treating her unfairly....the hurt friend talks to the friend C as a sounding board, who eventually gets so upset hearing how friend A is treating friend B that she on her behalf confronts friend A. But then friend B does not back her up and decides she wants to keep the peace and be friends with both girls. But now there is bad blood between friend A and friend C and friend B is in a great spot as she is neutral and not on anyone's shit list. Thus the third friend put herself out there and ended up looking like the bad guy, though she was trying to be a good guy.

That's the way I see it and that is me. Its a lesson learned. My therapist did say unless my mom was willing to sit down and discuss this with my sister, she shoudl not have vented to the extent that she did about my sister and her wrong doings...naturally my brother and I became angry with her and hurt for our parents, and theres no end in sight here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, FYI, paying the "ultimate price" means being killed in service to your country.

It's not having your sister take a little distance from you for a few months. GTF over yourself.

No its not the same but being estranged from a family member is very painful, if you have been close to them. Sounds like you have never experience that yourself, so GTF out of this conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your sister called you regularly and was friendly and kind. She visited your parents regularly and called them and even brought them gifts.

So, gifts were late. Your parents are grown ups. How about appreciating gifts? Who are you to audit the frequency of her contact with your parents, the content of her gifts, and the date of their delivery? You have SUCH a huge chip on your shoulder.

Question here. If you are SO concerned about your parents' heartbreak and loneliness, why did you move so far away? If you are so heartbroken that they are lonely, then YOU move back and visit them with your children daily or whatever you think your sister should be doing.

Your sister's annoyance with you is warranted. And maybe you think your annoyance with her is warranted and you're proud of yourself for criticizing her via email. That's between you two. But WTF?! You expect your mother to stop speaking to her because YOU are annoyed with her? You expect your mother to punish your sister and push her away because your sister doesn't feel like talking to you? What planet are you from that you think your mom should push away your sister to punish her for not having enough contact with YOU?!

I honestly cannot imagine why your sister would want to talk to you at all after this.

OP here wrong!!! NO she was not friendly and kind, she did not call regularly and did not visit my parents regularly and did not bring them gifts. SO lets get that straight.

I moved here to take run part of our family business. My husbands business is also here and my parents own a home here but as my mom has not been feeling well the milder weather there is much better for her. No I do not expect my mother to stop talking to my sister on anyone's account BUT considering she has vented to me for a few years off and on about all my sister did and I finally confronted her about it, I guess I expect a little "back up" for lack of a better word instead of putting myself out there like a lone wolf.

I for the record visit my parents about once every 4-5 weeks which is a lot given it involves having to get on a plane every time, ironically way more than my sister visits them who lives 15 min away via car, but I guess you are going to say that's OK too?

As my therapist said (who for the most part validated my feelings) its like of like three friends at school- friend A is always talking about friend B treating her unfairly....the hurt friend talks to the friend C as a sounding board, who eventually gets so upset hearing how friend A is treating friend B that she on her behalf confronts friend A. But then friend B does not back her up and decides she wants to keep the peace and be friends with both girls. But now there is bad blood between friend A and friend C and friend B is in a great spot as she is neutral and not on anyone's shit list. Thus the third friend put herself out there and ended up looking like the bad guy, though she was trying to be a good guy.

That's the way I see it and that is me. Its a lesson learned. My therapist did say unless my mom was willing to sit down and discuss this with my sister, she shoudl not have vented to the extent that she did about my sister and her wrong doings...naturally my brother and I became angry with her and hurt for our parents, and theres no end in sight here.

I posted a few pages back, and this was my point. Your mother is exacerbating this situation. She doesn't want to do anything to fix it. She wants others to fix it but will act innocent and naive when you actually try. She's venting to you. You try to take action and you suffer the consequences. Your mother is very immature and irresponsible, and perhaps even manipulative.

You need to distance yourself from your mom's drama while maintaining a relationship with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your sister called you regularly and was friendly and kind. She visited your parents regularly and called them and even brought them gifts.

So, gifts were late. Your parents are grown ups. How about appreciating gifts? Who are you to audit the frequency of her contact with your parents, the content of her gifts, and the date of their delivery? You have SUCH a huge chip on your shoulder.

Question here. If you are SO concerned about your parents' heartbreak and loneliness, why did you move so far away? If you are so heartbroken that they are lonely, then YOU move back and visit them with your children daily or whatever you think your sister should be doing.

Your sister's annoyance with you is warranted. And maybe you think your annoyance with her is warranted and you're proud of yourself for criticizing her via email. That's between you two. But WTF?! You expect your mother to stop speaking to her because YOU are annoyed with her? You expect your mother to punish your sister and push her away because your sister doesn't feel like talking to you? What planet are you from that you think your mom should push away your sister to punish her for not having enough contact with YOU?!

I honestly cannot imagine why your sister would want to talk to you at all after this.

OP here wrong!!! NO she was not friendly and kind, she did not call regularly and did not visit my parents regularly and did not bring them gifts. SO lets get that straight.

I moved here to take run part of our family business. My husbands business is also here and my parents own a home here but as my mom has not been feeling well the milder weather there is much better for her. No I do not expect my mother to stop talking to my sister on anyone's account BUT considering she has vented to me for a few years off and on about all my sister did and I finally confronted her about it, I guess I expect a little "back up" for lack of a better word instead of putting myself out there like a lone wolf.

I for the record visit my parents about once every 4-5 weeks which is a lot given it involves having to get on a plane every time, ironically way more than my sister visits them who lives 15 min away via car, but I guess you are going to say that's OK too?

As my therapist said (who for the most part validated my feelings) its like of like three friends at school- friend A is always talking about friend B treating her unfairly....the hurt friend talks to the friend C as a sounding board, who eventually gets so upset hearing how friend A is treating friend B that she on her behalf confronts friend A. But then friend B does not back her up and decides she wants to keep the peace and be friends with both girls. But now there is bad blood between friend A and friend C and friend B is in a great spot as she is neutral and not on anyone's shit list. Thus the third friend put herself out there and ended up looking like the bad guy, though she was trying to be a good guy.

That's the way I see it and that is me. Its a lesson learned. My therapist did say unless my mom was willing to sit down and discuss this with my sister, she shoudl not have vented to the extent that she did about my sister and her wrong doings...naturally my brother and I became angry with her and hurt for our parents, and theres no end in sight here.

Either you completely misunderstood you therapist or you need to find a new therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Narcissistic" doesn't mean what many people on this thread thinks it means. Just because someone isn't interested in maintaining family ties doesn't mean that person is 'narcissistic'. If you're going to use a term, best to know what it actually means.


....having an excessive or erotic interest in oneself and one's physical appearance."a narcissistic actress"
synonyms: vain, self-loving, self-admiring, self-absorbed, self-obsessed, conceited, self-centered, self-regarding, egotistic, egotistical, egoistic;
informal: full of oneself "she was never happy in the narcissistic life that her press agent and manager had crafted for her"

From all that has been described the sister does indeed sound quite narcissistic. Self loving, and caring more about herself than her parents or sister i.e. forgetting her own moms birthday and Mother's Day until she 'realized two months later they were in the trunk". Yep.

The one who sounds narcisisstic is OP's mom and possibly OP. The gift thing seems like there is more to the story. There is a person in my family who uses gift giving to show her favoritism down to the timing of the gift. If you have fallen out of favor with her for whatever reason she'll be late in giving your gifts my cousin has recently given her a dose of her own medicine.

There's far more to this story than OP is sharing.