Need sdvice for this situation with my mom and sister

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I sent the email and we have not talked since. This was almost 4 months ago. I am so sad and hurt. When I told my parents, my mom and dad were both very touched and grateful that I did this. My mom said she was going to speak to her as well about what is going and that is overdue and that by both of us talking to her, maybe it would sink in as to why she would treat us like this. Every time I asked my mom if she did she said no, one time saying "because she talked the whole time on the phone" and I didn't get a chance and then finally the lat time I asked she said she wasn't going to that it wasn't worth the confrontation.

I was so upset and hurt. I put myself out there for my parents and more than had their back....and have now lost my relationship with my sister. And my mom wants to keep the peace between someone who has treated her like total crap??? I feel like she is choosing keeping an amicable relationship with the one who does nothing for her over the wonderful relationship she has with the daughter that calls everyday and to my credit am overly thoughtful. I am just so hurt over this. I feel like I went out of my way to call this for what it is, my sister neglecting my elderly parents....and I am the one paying the ultimate price.

Please if you can shed some light or help me with how to do deal with this delicate situation and how do you see it based upon the limited information I have provided- really struggling with this and really hoping for some clarity....thank you.

14:54 here. OP, I just reread this and want to add that really you should be upset and hurt by your mother. This is going to sound harsh, but it needs to be said. You put yourself out there after you mom got you all riled up and offended and upset. You took action rather than just bitching. Your mom continues to do nothing other than bitch to you about your sister. And your mom is "touched" that you stood up for her? What kind of manipulative passive aggressive mother is this? Your sister is not bullying your mother. She is being inconsiderate. Your mother is shamelessly hurting your relationship with your sister in order to play the victim. Either she acts like an adult and a parent and talks to your sister about why she's upset, or she should shut up about it. You need to be aware of the fact that you are impressionable, that your mom's feelings and emotions change the way you perceive things and react to things, often in unfair ways. You need some distance from her.

[Anonymous]

I am in the minority here I guess and think your sister sounds like a selfish b****.

Forgetting her own mothers bday and Mother's Day and acknowledging it until 2 months later? Really? Did everyone read this? Does everyone really think this is OK?

Not tending to her when she had an operation? Really? How is this OK?

IT'S NOT. She is wrong, you are sensitive but your mom and ad ultimately need to defend themselves and to stop talking to you about it. It puts you in a bad position.

No offense but your sister sounds like she has big issues.

[Anonymous]

^ No, I agree with you, but I guess the OP seems to focus on so many other minor things.

But PP is right, OP. Birthdays, Mothers Day, health issue are all good reason for increased contact!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in the minority here I guess and think your sister sounds like a selfish b****.

Forgetting her own mothers bday and Mother's Day and acknowledging it until 2 months later? Really? Did everyone read this? Does everyone really think this is OK?

Not tending to her when she had an operation? Really? How is this OK?

IT'S NOT. She is wrong, you are sensitive but your mom and ad ultimately need to defend themselves and to stop talking to you about it. It puts you in a bad position.

No offense but your sister sounds like she has big issues.

Yes, sister sounds awful, BUT...she is a grown woman. This has NOTHING TO DO WITH OP. Sister and parents are in charge of their relationship with one another. If parents want or need more from sister, they can speak to her directly. No need for a middle man to get involved.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the above. OP's sister sounds like a bitch, but OP you shouldn't have acted as a middle-person between your sis and your mom. Your mom did not ask you to do that! If your mom would prefer not to rock the boat with your sis, that is her choice. What you do have the perfect right to do is to tell your sis how you feel about how she treats YOU, no one else. Realizing, of course, that your sis still may ignore the topic and continue to treat you the same way. But you can't control anyone else, only how you react to their actions and how you act yourself. And that is your choice once you see how she responds to you. GL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have to say that I'm also curious about how much the busy West Coast doctor brother calls? Does he get a pass because he is a guy, a doctor, on the west coast (although the phone lines do stretch across the country, so that shouldn't matter)

OP Here my brother calls my parents normally every Sunday, he is a busy surgeon with 3 young kids but despite his life and chaos is actually very thoughtful. Always sending them something or thinking of them someway. He invites them there all the time but they cannot go and travel as they used to (mothers health). He is as perplexed and actually angry with our sister as I am. He thinks its incredibly selfish.

I am not saying that every family must follow a certain formula of how many times to call but come on.....months? I am sorry you will never convince me that is OK. It is wrong. Not visiting them for MONTHS when she only lives 15 away? Nor will you be able to convince me that, that is OK too. She doesn't' even have young kids, 2 are grown and one is a senior. NO EXCUSE. And yes it pisses me off. I am several states away and doing what I can and feel lilke I make up for what she DOESN'T do.....they are older and lonely and it breaks my heart because I know how much it hurts them.

Just because I do not agree with some of you I do appreciate you taking the time to offer your perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I sent the email and we have not talked since. This was almost 4 months ago. I am so sad and hurt. When I told my parents, my mom and dad were both very touched and grateful that I did this. My mom said she was going to speak to her as well about what is going and that is overdue and that by both of us talking to her, maybe it would sink in as to why she would treat us like this. Every time I asked my mom if she did she said no, one time saying "because she talked the whole time on the phone" and I didn't get a chance and then finally the lat time I asked she said she wasn't going to that it wasn't worth the confrontation.

I was so upset and hurt. I put myself out there for my parents and more than had their back....and have now lost my relationship with my sister. And my mom wants to keep the peace between someone who has treated her like total crap??? I feel like she is choosing keeping an amicable relationship with the one who does nothing for her over the wonderful relationship she has with the daughter that calls everyday and to my credit am overly thoughtful. I am just so hurt over this. I feel like I went out of my way to call this for what it is, my sister neglecting my elderly parents....and I am the one paying the ultimate price.

Please if you can shed some light or help me with how to do deal with this delicate situation and how do you see it based upon the limited information I have provided- really struggling with this and really hoping for some clarity....thank you.

14:54 here. OP, I just reread this and want to add that really you should be upset and hurt by your mother. This is going to sound harsh, but it needs to be said. You put yourself out there after you mom got you all riled up and offended and upset. You took action rather than just bitching. Your mom continues to do nothing other than bitch to you about your sister. And your mom is "touched" that you stood up for her? What kind of manipulative passive aggressive mother is this? Your sister is not bullying your mother. She is being inconsiderate. Your mother is shamelessly hurting your relationship with your sister in order to play the victim. Either she acts like an adult and a parent and talks to your sister about why she's upset, or she should shut up about it. You need to be aware of the fact that you are impressionable, that your mom's feelings and emotions change the way you perceive things and react to things, often in unfair ways. You need some distance from her.

All of this!

I suspect OP is so used to playing the part of the good daughter to her sister who is cast as a villain she doesn't even see it. OP's mother knows very well what she's doing. I highly suspect OP's sister would give a very different story if given the opportunity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Clearly a lot of dysfunctional families out there reading over some of these responses, for anyone to think this is within the realm of normal is CRAY CRAY as my 16 year old daughter says ! I am Italian and most of us (all 7 of us, talk almost daily if not 2-3 times a week. ALWAYS.

I would not put up with any of my siblings treating my parents that way. At that age they are lonely as hell and rely heavily on contact with their kids. That's just the truth and anyone who wants to argue with me on that is just a selfish SOB. Sorry.

So OP to answer your question if you come form a tight knit very close family like my own, that kind of disconnect and that much time going by would unheard of!!! However if you come from a family of dysfunction and where you dont' see or hear from each other often, then that presumably would be the norm.


Sounds like you are close and that is why you are hurt. You ahve every reason and it was brave of you to go up against your sister for your parents. I think they want to keep the peace and you need to understand that while you parents see you as the kind, caring one....they need to keep things ope with her too even if she has mistreated them.


My mom always says everyone has to one day reckon with the person they were not only to others but themselves. Trust me your sisters day will come and she will deeply regret the neglect she showed your parents. But its really her problem to deal with not yours, just keep on being kind and giving to your parents. That is the best you can do.

I read the bolded points, and the only thing I thought was, Physician, heal thyself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your expectations are out of whack. I live 20 miles from my mother and I speak to her once a week. What's with your demand for her to reach out to you or your parents daily/any frequency YOU determine adequate?

New poster here. Disagree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have to say that I'm also curious about how much the busy West Coast doctor brother calls? Does he get a pass because he is a guy, a doctor, on the west coast (although the phone lines do stretch across the country, so that shouldn't matter)

OP Here my brother calls my parents normally every Sunday, he is a busy surgeon with 3 young kids but despite his life and chaos is actually very thoughtful. Always sending them something or thinking of them someway. He invites them there all the time but they cannot go and travel as they used to (mothers health). He is as perplexed and actually angry with our sister as I am. He thinks its incredibly selfish.

I am not saying that every family must follow a certain formula of how many times to call but come on.....months? I am sorry you will never convince me that is OK. It is wrong. Not visiting them for MONTHS when she only lives 15 away? Nor will you be able to convince me that, that is OK too. She doesn't' even have young kids, 2 are grown and one is a senior. NO EXCUSE. And yes it pisses me off. I am several states away and doing what I can and feel lilke I make up for what she DOESN'T do.....they are older and lonely and it breaks my heart because I know how much it hurts them.

Just because I do not agree with some of you I do appreciate you taking the time to offer your perspective.

You and your brother may be right. Your sister may be selfish, and a bitch, and all those things. Or she may have very good reasons for limiting contact with all of you. Regardless . . . it really isn't your place to lecture a full-grown adult on how she treats her parents, even if they are your parents too. You overstepped, and now you're paying the price.

Just a thought - perhaps the reason she limits contact here is that she's sick of people getting in her business. I would love to hear her perspective on this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have to say that I'm also curious about how much the busy West Coast doctor brother calls? Does he get a pass because he is a guy, a doctor, on the west coast (although the phone lines do stretch across the country, so that shouldn't matter)

OP Here my brother calls my parents normally every Sunday, he is a busy surgeon with 3 young kids but despite his life and chaos is actually very thoughtful. Always sending them something or thinking of them someway. He invites them there all the time but they cannot go and travel as they used to (mothers health). He is as perplexed and actually angry with our sister as I am. He thinks its incredibly selfish.

I am not saying that every family must follow a certain formula of how many times to call but come on.....months? I am sorry you will never convince me that is OK. It is wrong. Not visiting them for MONTHS when she only lives 15 away? Nor will you be able to convince me that, that is OK too. She doesn't' even have young kids, 2 are grown and one is a senior. NO EXCUSE. And yes it pisses me off. I am several states away and doing what I can and feel lilke I make up for what she DOESN'T do.....they are older and lonely and it breaks my heart because I know how much it hurts them.

Just because I do not agree with some of you I do appreciate you taking the time to offer your perspective.

You and your brother may be right. Your sister may be selfish, and a bitch, and all those things. Or she may have very good reasons for limiting contact with all of you. Regardless . . . it really isn't your place to lecture a full-grown adult on how she treats her parents, even if they are your parents too. You overstepped, and now you're paying the price.

Just a thought - perhaps the reason she limits contact here is that she's sick of people getting in her business. I would love to hear her perspective on this.

Could not disagree more. Her sister IS a bitch and that is very relevant. She sounds like a total narcissist and OP sees how she treats her parents and she has every right to pipe up, though I agree she will not necessarily change. Selfish people rarely understand another persons feelings.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like one child is a scapegoat and the rest are perfect. Narcissist mothers do this kind of thing, where one child is always blamed for everything and the other is an angel. The other kids turn against the vilified sibling very soon and are blind to what is really emotionally happening. Or your sister is self centered and doesn't care about anybody but herself and her kids and DH. We are only hearing one side of the story.

[Anonymous]

Op sorry but you should not have stepped in this. Your mother was complaining about sis and set you up to interfere. That never works. Lesson learned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have to say that I'm also curious about how much the busy West Coast doctor brother calls? Does he get a pass because he is a guy, a doctor, on the west coast (although the phone lines do stretch across the country, so that shouldn't matter)

OP Here my brother calls my parents normally every Sunday, he is a busy surgeon with 3 young kids but despite his life and chaos is actually very thoughtful. Always sending them something or thinking of them someway. He invites them there all the time but they cannot go and travel as they used to (mothers health). He is as perplexed and actually angry with our sister as I am. He thinks its incredibly selfish.

I am not saying that every family must follow a certain formula of how many times to call but come on.....months? I am sorry you will never convince me that is OK. It is wrong. Not visiting them for MONTHS when she only lives 15 away? Nor will you be able to convince me that, that is OK too. She doesn't' even have young kids, 2 are grown and one is a senior. NO EXCUSE. And yes it pisses me off. I am several states away and doing what I can and feel lilke I make up for what she DOESN'T do.....they are older and lonely and it breaks my heart because I know how much it hurts them.

Just because I do not agree with some of you I do appreciate you taking the time to offer your perspective.

You and your brother may be right. Your sister may be selfish, and a bitch, and all those things. Or she may have very good reasons for limiting contact with all of you. Regardless . . . it really isn't your place to lecture a full-grown adult on how she treats her parents, even if they are your parents too. You overstepped, and now you're paying the price.

Just a thought - perhaps the reason she limits contact here is that she's sick of people getting in her business. I would love to hear her perspective on this.

Could not disagree more. Her sister IS a bitch and that is very relevant. She sounds like a total narcissist and OP sees how she treats her parents and she has every right to pipe up, though I agree she will not necessarily change. Selfish people rarely understand another persons feelings.

I guess. And now she has to deal with the consequences. This is what happens when you interject yourself into conflict between other, even if they're family - people get pissed at you. It's not like this wasn't entirely predictable. Sister A lectures Sister B, who has been aloof and non-communicative, for being aloof and non-communicative. Sister B responded by being aloof and non-communicative. Sister A is horrified and hurt, thereby displaying a stunning lack of sense.

[Anonymous]

I would not put up with any of my siblings treating my parents that way.

I'm wondering how you get your siblings to do what you want.......