Need sdvice for this situation with my mom and sister

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08/26/2016 13:10

Subject: Need sdvice for this situation with my mom and sister

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Anonymous

This could take pages to tell but am going to try to sum it up best I can-

I am from a family of 5, one sister and one brother. Brother lives on West Coast, a busy doctor who we only see once or twice a year. All is good there.
Sister lives a few states away (we are two years apart) and we have for the most part been quite close, but when we have a blowout it tends to last a while...normally its her that allows it to fester and its always me being the one to make up

She is super type A very driven, a real hardass in many ways, but underneath has a soft sensitive side, great kids whom I adore and a nice guy of a husband. The kind who offends a lot of people and doesn't always have a filter. But I still love her and when she is relaxed she can be a lot of fun.

She lives 15 min from my parents so you would think they see each other all the time. NOT. My sister has made almost no effort to see or speak to my parents on any kind of a frequent basis. In fact there are MONTHS that go by that she will not call or stop by to see them. So sad for my parents, who have tried. You would think she would do it for the kids alone...but no and now that they are teens its too late to set that precedent.

My mom and I are very close and we have both always wondered why she seems so disconnected , the strange thing is she will call my mom or me out of the blue after not speaking for 5-6 weeks and say "hey whats up" like we just talked last week. This is family...not a friend we rarely speak to.

Over the last few years, my mom has confided in me many instances in which both she and my dads feelings were very hurt. When my dad was away for 3 weeks and my mom (80) was alone and I called every day but she did not call once. When y mom had an operation and she did not call until a week later, when Mothers Day and her birthday came and she did not give her anything until almost 2 months later...saying she forgot it was in her trunk. Yes, stuff like that. You get the picture.

My sister treats me like she treats my mom, rarely calls, it is always me making the effort. She WILL call to vent about one of her kids or her job or her husband, when it serves her purpose. The more my mom would tell me the more it would infuriate and hurt me for them. I kept it in....but then this last time when she forgot about her birthday and and mothers day I could not help myself. I wrote her a sincere but truthful email about wondering why she is distancing herself so much from her own little family, who she knows loves and cares for her so much and that I thought ( and I very much do) that she will regret it one day when they are too old to do things with, and she looks back and cannot change it...she will not get that time back. I get it..... We are all busy, I have a career and too many things to do in a single day (far busier than her) but always find time to call or connect with those I love even if its for a few minutes.

I sent the email and we have not talked since. This was almost 4 months ago. I am so sad and hurt. When I told my parents, my mom and dad were both very touched and grateful that I did this. My mom said she was going to speak to her as well about what is going and that is overdue and that by both of us talking to her, maybe it would sink in as to why she would treat us like this. Every time I asked my mom if she did she said no, one time saying "because she talked the whole time on the phone" and I didn't get a chance and then finally the lat time I asked she said she wasn't going to that it wasn't worth the confrontation.

I was so upset and hurt. I put myself out there for my parents and more than had their back....and have now lost my relationship with my sister. And my mom wants to keep the peace between someone who has treated her like total crap??? I feel like she is choosing keeping an amicable relationship with the one who does nothing for her over the wonderful relationship she has with the daughter that calls everyday and to my credit am overly thoughtful. I am just so hurt over this. I feel like I went out of my way to call this for what it is, my sister neglecting my elderly parents....and I am the one paying the ultimate price.

Please if you can shed some light or help me with how to do deal with this delicate situation and how do you see it based upon the limited information I have provided- really struggling with this and really hoping for some clarity....thank you.