Need sdvice for this situation with my mom and sister

[Anonymous]

OP, the more you post the more I understand why your sister has distanced herself from your family.

[Anonymous]

OP, play back the scenario your therapist described. She said you and your mother are acting like a couple of teenage girls. And you aren't the least bit embarrassed by that, nor has it made you reevaluate your own behavior. I feel like the most sympathetic figure in all this is your sister. And given that you have done your best to paint yourself in a positive light, and make her the villain, that's pretty telling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, play back the scenario your therapist described. She said you and your mother are acting like a couple of teenage girls. And you aren't the least bit embarrassed by that, nor has it made you reevaluate your own behavior. I feel like the most sympathetic figure in all this is your sister. And given that you have done your best to paint yourself in a positive light, and make her the villain, that's pretty telling.

I think this is spot on. OP, I think when you say your therapist validated your feelings, you misunderstood what that really means. She probably said it is understandable that you feel how you do, and that is valid. I doubt that she made an actual judgment as to who is right or even who among you is more wrong. There is something in the dynamic with your mother that probably repels your sister. She is entitled to her feelings too and to keep whatever distance works for her.

[Anonymous]

Wow, if I was your sister I'd run for the hills too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Narcissistic" doesn't mean what many people on this thread thinks it means. Just because someone isn't interested in maintaining family ties doesn't mean that person is 'narcissistic'. If you're going to use a term, best to know what it actually means.


....having an excessive or erotic interest in oneself and one's physical appearance."a narcissistic actress"
synonyms: vain, self-loving, self-admiring, self-absorbed, self-obsessed, conceited, self-centered, self-regarding, egotistic, egotistical, egoistic;
informal: full of oneself "she was never happy in the narcissistic life that her press agent and manager had crafted for her"

From all that has been described the sister does indeed sound quite narcissistic. Self loving, and caring more about herself than her parents or sister i.e. forgetting her own moms birthday and Mother's Day until she 'realized two months later they were in the trunk". Yep.

So, because the sister has positive self-esteem, can set boundaries and doesn't cave to the demands of her mother and sister, she's a narcissist. Okaaayy

Doesn't sound like the sister is making demands on OP or her mother. Sounds like the sister is involved with her own husband and kids. Yet, because she's not meeting her mother's and sister's expectations, she's the one who's narcissistic.....right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, the more you post the more I understand why your sister has distanced herself from your family.

+1

Also, flying every month to visit parents??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, the more you post the more I understand why your sister has distanced herself from your family.

+1

Also, flying every month to visit parents??

That just screams of codependency.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, the more you post the more I understand why your sister has distanced herself from your family.

Yup. Butt out, OP. It's none of your business.

[Anonymous]

OP I get where you are coming from, I too have a sister that is totally self absorbed and cares only about herself and her kids. Her own husband left her because even he couldn't' take it. Those kinds of people, and your sister is included are often found to be insufferable to many.

We have not talked for 2 years but just starting to make amends, it's been very sad. Broke me moms heart but no matter how much we tried, we were not changing her, only now is this starting to change a bit.

Stay strong, just be the best you can be to your parents and know you are making a big difference in their lives.

I think a lot of people here have almost no relationship with their families given the cavalier attitudes of so many int his post. Quite sad. I don't if its my European background but from where I come from, family is EVERYTHING. We would drop anything for each other.

That is why my sisters attitude was so puzzling. She is finally starting to come around, realizing that her family is all she really has. I hope your sister comes to the same realization, hang in there!

[Anonymous]

"My therapist did say unless my mom was willing to sit down and discuss this with my sister, she should not have vented to the extent that she did about my sister and her wrong doings..."

Revisit this topic with your therapist. You need to learn to set a boundary with your mother when she starts to vent about your sister. It was not appropriate to handle this for your mom because it's divisive to your relationship with your sister, as you found out. And then you need to work on repairing your relationship with your sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in the minority here I guess and think your sister sounds like a selfish b****.

Forgetting her own mothers bday and Mother's Day and acknowledging it until 2 months later? Really? Did everyone read this? Does everyone really think this is OK?

Not tending to her when she had an operation? Really? How is this OK?

IT'S NOT. She is wrong, you are sensitive but your mom and ad ultimately need to defend themselves and to stop talking to you about it. It puts you in a bad position.

No offense but your sister sounds like she has big issues.

But what if the sister herself had surgery scheduled or just got a worrisome diagnosis that she didn't disclose to the family and was distraught or recovering herself? Or maybe it was her husband or a child or an IL, and the sister was so bogged down with work at that time that she was just exhausted? Things happen, and OP and her mother are jumping to conclusions and no one is giving the sister any benefit of the doubt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The email was not the best idea to begin with, and honestly you are out of line for expecting your parents to join your outrage. They've settled for the status quo - it wasn't your place to chastise your sibling, and it's not your place to be upset with your parents for going along with you.

In your shoes, I'd apologize to my sibling for meddling in her relationship with our parents, and get over feeling hurt by them.

This is very true. Sorry, OP. It was your choice to send that letter, not your parents'. And they saw what it caused - four months of silence, which is less than what they currently have with her.

Are you a parent? Think of this as a mother, OP - they don't want to risk the relationship they do have with her. It is absolutely their right to make this choice, no matter what you did or did not communicate to your sister. Again, that letter was your choice, not you parents'. And the fact that they didn't back you up in this instance doesn't reflect anything about their love or care for you - it just reflects their fear of rocking the boat with her, and that's understandable in this context.

You need to respect your parents and the choices they make - they are adults. And you also need to take a step back and stop taking this so personally.
They have the right to manage their own relationship with their daughter. It doesn't mean they don't appreciate what you tried to do for them.

[Anonymous]

You made some bad choices here. Yes, your sisters sounds self absorbed and inconsiderate of your parents, but that is their issue to raise with her, not yours. You should not have gotten involved in this situation without talking to your parents first, since it is really their issue, and you definitely should not have raised it with your sister by email, rather than in person or on the phone.

[Anonymous]

My therapist did say unless my mom was willing to sit down and discuss this with my sister, she shoudl not have vented to the extent that she did about my sister and her wrong doings...naturally my brother and I became angry with her and hurt for our parents, and theres no end in sight here.

Well, at the end of the day, it doesn't really matter what your mom should or should not have done because you can't control her behavior, only yours. In the future, if she vents about your sister, your only response should be, "I know it is difficult, but unfortunately, there's nothing I can do to change her," and then change the topic ASAP.

[Anonymous]

My sister treats me like she treats my mom, rarely calls, it is always me making the effort. She WILL call to vent about one of her kids or her job or her husband, when it serves her purpose. The more my mom would tell me the more it would infuriate and hurt me for them. I kept it in....but then this last time when she forgot about her birthday and and mothers day I could not help myself. I wrote her a sincere but truthful email about wondering why she is distancing herself so much from her own little family, who she knows loves and cares for her so much and that I thought ( and I very much do) that she will regret it one day when they are too old to do things with, and she looks back and cannot change it...she will not get that time back. I get it..... We are all busy, I have a career and too many things to do in a single day (far busier than her) but always find time to call or connect with those I love even if its for a few minutes.

She reacted poorly because the way you phrased the problem was judgmental and irritating. If you had said, "hey, sis, you need to try to stop in and see mom more often, she misses you!" you would have likely gotten a better response.