Am separating from closeted gay husband. What and how to tell 20 year old daughter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe this is something you should ask the LGBT forum.

Maybe you can talk with your husband about this as he might not be ready to come out of the closet yet If he is that's something he can discuss with her.

It's not your place to out him.

I strongly disagree with this. She has every right to tell her own story about how the marriage ended.

I kept secrets about the end of my marriage from my kids and my family and friends. Secret-keeping is corrosive. It cuts you off from support and it distances you from other people because it makes you live an inauthentic life.

There is a way to talk with your daughter about her father's sexual identity and that the marriage broke up because of it without blaming or anger. Especially if she is 20 y.o.

Of course, it would be better if the father would speak his story, but if not the mother has every right to speak about the truth of the situation.

Agreed. Secrecy and lies destroy lives. Respect, support, and love your husband, but don't lie for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also think that it is not a STBX wife's news to convey to their child, adult or not. The STBX husband needs to come out when he is comfortable with it.

You can say "Larla, your father and I will be divorcing. Unfortunately the issue is with your father and one that I cannot control, change or live with. If you want more details about why we are divorcing, talk to your father."

No, no, no! Each person in a marriage has a right and a responsibility to tell their own story! Why do you insist the woman should be voiceless and literally direct the child to the male so that his perceptions become the whole of the story?

This is literally why women are voiceless in society - because they allow others to tell their story (or others insist they may not tell their story, or insist they have no story to tell). Yes, being gay may be the husband's story. But finding oneself married to a gay man and deciding it is neccessary to divorce is equally the wife's story to tell. To insist she remain completely silent is to force HER to live in the closet as well.

The sexism in this thread is very disturbing.

I would have the same recommendation for a couple divorcing because the wife was a closeted lesbian. The issue here is that sexuality issues can be very messy. A person having issues with coming to terms with a sexuality that they may have either repressed or not know about is difficult enough without forcing them to acknowledge more than they can cope with.

A person's right to tell the story ends where it infringes on the partner's rights. In this case, the STBXW can certainly talk about the STBXH destroying marital trust, breaking up the marriage by holding a secret from STBXW or other issues damaging to the relationship and marriage, but she doesn't have the right to out her husband before he's ready. That one piece of information is his alone. She can certainly put the blame on him for many things without revealing that one aspect of his person that is not hers to reveal.

Agree completely, this has nothing to do with the sex of the gay person. I'd say the same thing to a man divorcing a closeted lesbian.

However, I do agree that it is a terrible idea for OP to say to DD, "If you want to know why we are divorcing, talk to your father." What she should say is, "Dad and I really tried, but we have some differences we just can't work out."

[Anonymous]

Wait, he has t told you he's gay, OP just thinks he is? OP, have you asked him? Why do you think he's gay?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Several of the posters above have asked a very valid question. Specifically; HAS YOUR HUSBAND EXPLICITLY STATED TO YOU THAT HE IS GAY?
THE OP HAS CHOSEN NOT TO ANSWER while she has answered other questions.

Because she has chosen NOT to answer this more than likely means that she has no proof that he is gay or that he considers himself gay. The OP is simply using this as an excuse for the divorce. If the DH was actually GAY the OP would have some sort of proof and be able to answer the question.

OP here. He Is closeted as I said why are you so angry? He is still gay. He doesn't need to admit it for it to be true. Also I don't need an excuse for a divorce. My daughter cares about her father and isn't going to confront him. She is very gentle. But she still needs to know. You sound like a gay man who hates women

So, you just suspect he is gay. In another post you say your gay friends sometimes pretend they are not gay. I think you have some unresolved issues with being gay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't see why you can't just tell her you guys are divorcing because you've evolved as different people and it's no longer working. Why does the specific reason have to be given? Yes, she's your daughter and she's going to be affected by this, but she's 20 and really, it's not the kid's business why. If she was 12 would you tell her why? Or 6? Probably not.

And do not force him to tell her if he's not out. You should never force anyone to come out. Yes, some people are forced to come out and there's no way to avoid it, but this is not one of those situations.

This is lame. Lame. And frankly damaging to a young adult who has a right to believe that her parents take marriage vows seriously. You don't just get divorce because you have evolved and it's not working...at least people with integrity don't. Assuming her mother has done all she can to or serve the marriage, it is very fair for her daughter to understand that the marriage is ending because her dad is gay. Not because either of them is at fault or did t try hard enough or didn't take the commitment seriously. His sexual orientation is incompatible with marriage to a woman, and that is no one's fault (except, perhaps, for him for entering into marriage if he knew, but most of us would give him a pass given the lingering stigma that he might have felt.

OMG. - How refreshing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also think that it is not a STBX wife's news to convey to their child, adult or not. The STBX husband needs to come out when he is comfortable with it.

You can say "Larla, your father and I will be divorcing. Unfortunately the issue is with your father and one that I cannot control, change or live with. If you want more details about why we are divorcing, talk to your father."

No, no, no! Each person in a marriage has a right and a responsibility to tell their own story! Why do you insist the woman should be voiceless and literally direct the child to the male so that his perceptions become the whole of the story?

This is literally why women are voiceless in society - because they allow others to tell their story (or others insist they may not tell their story, or insist they have no story to tell). Yes, being gay may be the husband's story. But finding oneself married to a gay man and deciding it is neccessary to divorce is equally the wife's story to tell. To insist she remain completely silent is to force HER to live in the closet as well.

The sexism in this thread is very disturbing.

Its blaming the victim and an inability to accept that if you make promises to your partner that it obliges you to behave honorably ( gay or straight).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, what happens when DD is blindsided when she catches her dad with another man in a romantic way? You think that's a better way of her finding out, than her parents letting her know her dad is gay?

It's 2016. Hopefully we've all been raising un-bigoted children who are accepting. And if OP didn't do that, well, that sucks for her.

DD will be hurt by the divorce and surprised (maybe) by her dad being gay if she finds out now. As opposed to hurt by the divorce now, and blindsided and PISSED OFF when she happens upon it on her own later that her dad is gay and no one bothered to tell her.

WTF people. Seriously. Can you imagine someone else seeing the father and telling DD about it? Telling DD isn't about badmouthing the father (because being gay isn't bad) or casting aspersions. It's about making sure DD knows what is going on. She's 20. Not 12.

It's not OP's truth to tell. There's no other rationalization here. Being gay is her's husband's truth and it's up to him, and him only, to tell his children.

When your private secrets affect or harm someone else, they are no longer just "your" own truth - it affects(affected) the entire family. I am a strong supporter of LGBT rights, but the line is drawn when your choices affect others. OP has every right to tell their daughter, though I think her husband should be the one to tell the truth. If he does not, it's OP's responsibility.

No it is NOT the OP's "responsibility" to tell her daughter. And BS you're a strong supporter. A strong supporter would never claim outing someone is the right thing. Disgusting.

You know what? You don't get to say there is only one way to be queer or one way to be an ally- there are people on this thread who disagree with you in THIS scenario who identify as LGBTQ, are you going to "take their gay card" too as you did with this PP because you don't see this life situation the same way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Several of the posters above have asked a very valid question. Specifically; HAS YOUR HUSBAND EXPLICITLY STATED TO YOU THAT HE IS GAY?
THE OP HAS CHOSEN NOT TO ANSWER while she has answered other questions.

Because she has chosen NOT to answer this more than likely means that she has no proof that he is gay or that he considers himself gay. The OP is simply using this as an excuse for the divorce. If the DH was actually GAY the OP would have some sort of proof and be able to answer the question.

OP here. He Is closeted as I said why are you so angry? He is still gay. He doesn't need to admit it for it to be true. Also I don't need an excuse for a divorce. My daughter cares about her father and isn't going to confront him. She is very gentle. But she still needs to know. You sound like a gay man who hates women

So, since you avoid directly answering the question, no, you suspect he is a closeted gay man, but he has not admitted it to you and you do not have conclusive proof, such as an affair.

In this case, no you cannot tell your daughter because that may be slander. If you have proof, then you are protected from charges or lawsuits for slander, but without proof, you cannot tell your daughter. It's about as ethical as your husband blaming you for an affair that destroys the marriage because he suspects you've have an affair but has no proof.

I understand that you are bitter about your marriage dissolving. You may even be right that he is a closeted gay man, but unless you have an admission or proof, you don't have the right to say that to your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gay woman here. Tell him he needs to tell her or you will. I really feel for him and generally don't believe in outing but this is different. Kids model parents. And the divorce will affect her. She deserves to know.

Not an easy situation, but I think there is a clear right answer.

Coming out is not easy. Sometimes we have no choice.

THIS. I totally agree and I am a child of divorce where my Dad was gay.

+1 my mom made my dad tell us, and I think it probably ultimately was better for my relationship with both parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Serious question-
How did you not know having grown up with a closeted gay dad and all?

Such an interesting question. My parents divorced. I didn't see a lot of my dad. He was closeted as I said. It's something I realized after I had been married to my husband for several years My father and I were not close at all My husband is closeted. How would I know if people all around me are lying?

Wait... You're using your suspicion of each of them as proof of the others "gayness"? So you don't know that your father or husband were/are gay you just suspect it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Several of the posters above have asked a very valid question. Specifically; HAS YOUR HUSBAND EXPLICITLY STATED TO YOU THAT HE IS GAY?
THE OP HAS CHOSEN NOT TO ANSWER while she has answered other questions.

Because she has chosen NOT to answer this more than likely means that she has no proof that he is gay or that he considers himself gay. The OP is simply using this as an excuse for the divorce. If the DH was actually GAY the OP would have some sort of proof and be able to answer the question.

OP here. He Is closeted as I said why are you so angry? He is still gay. He doesn't need to admit it for it to be true. Also I don't need an excuse for a divorce. My daughter cares about her father and isn't going to confront him. She is very gentle. But she still needs to know. You sound like a gay man who hates women

So, since you avoid directly answering the question, no, you suspect he is a closeted gay man, but he has not admitted it to you and you do not have conclusive proof, such as an affair.

In this case, no you cannot tell your daughter because that may be slander. If you have proof, then you are protected from charges or lawsuits for slander, but without proof, you cannot tell your daughter. It's about as ethical as your husband blaming you for an affair that destroys the marriage because he suspects you've have an affair but has no proof.

I understand that you are bitter about your marriage dissolving. You may even be right that he is a closeted gay man, but unless you have an admission or proof, you don't have the right to say that to your daughter.

NP: just interested to know what would constitute 'proof' for you? It seems to me that it would be a burden of proof that she could never meet in your eyes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not wholly the DH's choice. Once you enter into a heterosexual marriage, your sexual orientation is relevant to your spouse, and your having a sexual orientation that allows your spouse to have a marriage with someone who is sexually oriented toward her (whether bi or hetero) is relevant to the entire family. My husband being homosexual is the only basis (other than physical abuse) on which I can imagine divorcing him. Everything else I believe adults are responsible for working out in their marriage if at all possible. I think it is a lie to tell your child that you were divorcing and not be clear that it is for a reason that you cannot control, and is not changeable were acceptable within the marriage. The blah blah blah about irreconcilable differences sound to me just like saying I give up. Your daughter has a right to know, and you have a right to let your daughter know, that you do not give up easily. That you only get them if it is a situation where there is no hope. It is totally selfish of your husband if he allows you to be put in the position of having your daughter not know why you are leaving. He is a grown man and will just need to figure out how he wants to deal with his sexual identity without keeping this a secret from your shared daughter. And if by chance he married you while knowing he was gay, well, that's a whole different story and I have absolutely no tolerance for any suggestion you should keep that a secret.

+ a million

You don't get a special pass because you are gay, and mom/wife need not be a martyr nor party to dad's continued lies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Serious question-
How did you not know having grown up with a closeted gay dad and all?

Such an interesting question. My parents divorced. I didn't see a lot of my dad. He was closeted as I said. It's something I realized after I had been married to my husband for several years My father and I were not close at all My husband is closeted. How would I know if people all around me are lying?

Wait... You're using your suspicion of each of them as proof of the others "gayness"? So you don't know that your father or husband were/are gay you just suspect it?

OMG OP! You are sounding loony. You say both your dad and husband are closeted gays yet it is all in your mind. My suggestion to you is to get therapy. You should not involve your DD in your divorce. You can tell her you no longer live each other or whatever, but you cannot tell her he is gay as it is possible that he is not. I know his lack of attraction to you may make you want to think he is gay, but without proof it may simply mean he has a low sex drive or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Serious question-
How did you not know having grown up with a closeted gay dad and all?

Such an interesting question. My parents divorced. I didn't see a lot of my dad. He was closeted as I said. It's something I realized after I had been married to my husband for several years My father and I were not close at all My husband is closeted. How would I know if people all around me are lying?

Wait... You're using your suspicion of each of them as proof of the others "gayness"? So you don't know that your father or husband were/are gay you just suspect it?

OMG OP! You are sounding loony. You say both your dad and husband are closeted gays yet it is all in your mind. My suggestion to you is to get therapy. You should not involve your DD in your divorce. You can tell her you no longer live each other or whatever, but you cannot tell her he is gay as it is possible that he is not. I know his lack of attraction to you may make you want to think he is gay, but without proof it may simply mean he has a low sex drive or something.

Um, it's really not hard to identify a gay person. It's not something that would be confused with a low sex drive.

[Anonymous]

PP how to identify? I'm curious.