Am separating from closeted gay husband. What and how to tell 20 year old daughter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell her the truth.

+1

"I am divorcing your dad. I think he is gay."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gay woman here. Tell him he needs to tell her or you will. I really feel for him and generally don't believe in outing but this is different. Kids model parents. And the divorce will affect her. She deserves to know.

Not an easy situation, but I think there is a clear right answer.

Coming out is not easy. Sometimes we have no choice.

I'm gay and I disagree with you. Completely.

I thought all gays had a hive mind?

[Anonymous]

This is not wholly the DH's choice. Once you enter into a heterosexual marriage, your sexual orientation is relevant to your spouse, and your having a sexual orientation that allows your spouse to have a marriage with someone who is sexually oriented toward her (whether bi or hetero) is relevant to the entire family. My husband being homosexual is the only basis (other than physical abuse) on which I can imagine divorcing him. Everything else I believe adults are responsible for working out in their marriage if at all possible. I think it is a lie to tell your child that you were divorcing and not be clear that it is for a reason that you cannot control, and is not changeable were acceptable within the marriage. The blah blah blah about irreconcilable differences sound to me just like saying I give up. Your daughter has a right to know, and you have a right to let your daughter know, that you do not give up easily. That you only get them if it is a situation where there is no hope. It is totally selfish of your husband if he allows you to be put in the position of having your daughter not know why you are leaving. He is a grown man and will just need to figure out how he wants to deal with his sexual identity without keeping this a secret from your shared daughter. And if by chance he married you while knowing he was gay, well, that's a whole different story and I have absolutely no tolerance for any suggestion you should keep that a secret.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also think that it is not a STBX wife's news to convey to their child, adult or not. The STBX husband needs to come out when he is comfortable with it.

You can say "Larla, your father and I will be divorcing. Unfortunately the issue is with your father and one that I cannot control, change or live with. If you want more details about why we are divorcing, talk to your father."

No, no, no! Each person in a marriage has a right and a responsibility to tell their own story! Why do you insist the woman should be voiceless and literally direct the child to the male so that his perceptions become the whole of the story?

This is literally why women are voiceless in society - because they allow others to tell their story (or others insist they may not tell their story, or insist they have no story to tell). Yes, being gay may be the husband's story. But finding oneself married to a gay man and deciding it is neccessary to divorce is equally the wife's story to tell. To insist she remain completely silent is to force HER to live in the closet as well.

The sexism in this thread is very disturbing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am finally leaving my closeted gay husband. What and how should I tell our 20 year old daughter? My father was closeted gay and I wish my mother had told me. I don't think she knew.

Why do YOU have to be the one to tell her?

[Anonymous]

If your secret harms someone else, that someone else has no reason to guard your secret.

While that doesn't mean blabbing it out to the public, I think the DH should tell the daughter. But if he doesn't wife should - if anything to break the pattern. If the dad cares about the daughter at all, he should put aside his own pride and tell her himself.

[Anonymous]

ASSUMING that you actually know for a fact he's gay, I think it is totally reasonable to tell him that either he needs to tell her or you will. You can't ignore your own history with a closeted gay dad (again, assuming you know for a fact your father was also gay), a pattern which you seem to have repeated with your husband, and your perspective that you wish your mom had told you. Outing somebody generally is not OK but I would see this as an exception.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also think that it is not a STBX wife's news to convey to their child, adult or not. The STBX husband needs to come out when he is comfortable with it.

You can say "Larla, your father and I will be divorcing. Unfortunately the issue is with your father and one that I cannot control, change or live with. If you want more details about why we are divorcing, talk to your father."

No, no, no! Each person in a marriage has a right and a responsibility to tell their own story! Why do you insist the woman should be voiceless and literally direct the child to the male so that his perceptions become the whole of the story?

This is literally why women are voiceless in society - because they allow others to tell their story (or others insist they may not tell their story, or insist they have no story to tell). Yes, being gay may be the husband's story. But finding oneself married to a gay man and deciding it is neccessary to divorce is equally the wife's story to tell. To insist she remain completely silent is to force HER to live in the closet as well.

The sexism in this thread is very disturbing.

I would have the same recommendation for a couple divorcing because the wife was a closeted lesbian. The issue here is that sexuality issues can be very messy. A person having issues with coming to terms with a sexuality that they may have either repressed or not know about is difficult enough without forcing them to acknowledge more than they can cope with.

A person's right to tell the story ends where it infringes on the partner's rights. In this case, the STBXW can certainly talk about the STBXH destroying marital trust, breaking up the marriage by holding a secret from STBXW or other issues damaging to the relationship and marriage, but she doesn't have the right to out her husband before he's ready. That one piece of information is his alone. She can certainly put the blame on him for many things without revealing that one aspect of his person that is not hers to reveal.

[Anonymous]

OMG, why all the freaking drama?

Being gay is nothing to be ashamed of. If the soon to be ex is, that's his problem. He made it your story to tell when he married you under false pretenses.

I would tell my DD and hope that it would help her in building a strong and secure relationship with her father, going forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, what happens when DD is blindsided when she catches her dad with another man in a romantic way? You think that's a better way of her finding out, than her parents letting her know her dad is gay?

It's 2016. Hopefully we've all been raising un-bigoted children who are accepting. And if OP didn't do that, well, that sucks for her.

DD will be hurt by the divorce and surprised (maybe) by her dad being gay if she finds out now. As opposed to hurt by the divorce now, and blindsided and PISSED OFF when she happens upon it on her own later that her dad is gay and no one bothered to tell her.

WTF people. Seriously. Can you imagine someone else seeing the father and telling DD about it? Telling DD isn't about badmouthing the father (because being gay isn't bad) or casting aspersions. It's about making sure DD knows what is going on. She's 20. Not 12.

It's not OP's truth to tell. There's no other rationalization here. Being gay is her's husband's truth and it's up to him, and him only, to tell his children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does anyone "deserve" the truth about someone else's marriage? Unless ex has been engaged in dangerous or criminal behavior, why does DD "need" to know anything?

She doesn't. You are right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Serious question-
How did you not know having grown up with a closeted gay dad and all?

Such an interesting question. My parents divorced. I didn't see a lot of my dad. He was closeted as I said. It's something I realized after I had been married to my husband for several years My father and I were not close at all My husband is closeted. How would I know if people all around me are lying?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, what happens when DD is blindsided when she catches her dad with another man in a romantic way? You think that's a better way of her finding out, than her parents letting her know her dad is gay?

It's 2016. Hopefully we've all been raising un-bigoted children who are accepting. And if OP didn't do that, well, that sucks for her.

DD will be hurt by the divorce and surprised (maybe) by her dad being gay if she finds out now. As opposed to hurt by the divorce now, and blindsided and PISSED OFF when she happens upon it on her own later that her dad is gay and no one bothered to tell her.

WTF people. Seriously. Can you imagine someone else seeing the father and telling DD about it? Telling DD isn't about badmouthing the father (because being gay isn't bad) or casting aspersions. It's about making sure DD knows what is going on. She's 20. Not 12.

It's not OP's truth to tell. There's no other rationalization here. Being gay is her's husband's truth and it's up to him, and him only, to tell his children.

When your private secrets affect or harm someone else, they are no longer just "your" own truth - it affects(affected) the entire family. I am a strong supporter of LGBT rights, but the line is drawn when your choices affect others. OP has every right to tell their daughter, though I think her husband should be the one to tell the truth. If he does not, it's OP's responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, what happens when DD is blindsided when she catches her dad with another man in a romantic way? You think that's a better way of her finding out, than her parents letting her know her dad is gay?

It's 2016. Hopefully we've all been raising un-bigoted children who are accepting. And if OP didn't do that, well, that sucks for her.

DD will be hurt by the divorce and surprised (maybe) by her dad being gay if she finds out now. As opposed to hurt by the divorce now, and blindsided and PISSED OFF when she happens upon it on her own later that her dad is gay and no one bothered to tell her.

WTF people. Seriously. Can you imagine someone else seeing the father and telling DD about it? Telling DD isn't about badmouthing the father (because being gay isn't bad) or casting aspersions. It's about making sure DD knows what is going on. She's 20. Not 12.

It's not OP's truth to tell. There's no other rationalization here. Being gay is her's husband's truth and it's up to him, and him only, to tell his children.

And being married to someone who is gay is her mothers truth, to the extent that it is the cause of her leaving her marriage, a primary (if not the primary) relationship in her life. Cane has every right and reason in the world to tell her daughter this. Being gay is nothing to be ashamed of or that needs to be kept secret. DH just needs to grow up. He should tell his daughter. If he doesn't, his wife should. This isn't about blaming, it is about explaining. And when it comes to the dissolution of a marriage where there are children involved, including adult children, I firmly believe that explaining is appropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also think that it is not a STBX wife's news to convey to their child, adult or not. The STBX husband needs to come out when he is comfortable with it.

You can say "Larla, your father and I will be divorcing. Unfortunately the issue is with your father and one that I cannot control, change or live with. If you want more details about why we are divorcing, talk to your father."

No, no, no! Each person in a marriage has a right and a responsibility to tell their own story! Why do you insist the woman should be voiceless and literally direct the child to the male so that his perceptions become the whole of the story?

This is literally why women are voiceless in society - because they allow others to tell their story (or others insist they may not tell their story, or insist they have no story to tell). Yes, being gay may be the husband's story. But finding oneself married to a gay man and deciding it is neccessary to divorce is equally the wife's story to tell. To insist she remain completely silent is to force HER to live in the closet as well.

The sexism in this thread is very disturbing.

You are completely ridiculous. There is no sexism here. Your false accusations of sexism are disgusting and harm true victims. Grow up.