Am separating from closeted gay husband. What and how to tell 20 year old daughter

[Anonymous]

Part of me still hates my mother for going on and on for years about what a terrible person my father was when they were married. That was between them, and it wasn't my job to pick sides. They divorced when I was in my early 20s. I had to repeatedly tell her bluntly and rudely to shut the f*ck up about it.

I don't think outing your husband is the right choice. Encourage him to do it himself. Under no circumstances should you badmouth him. It will hurt your relationship with your child.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it's fair for a man to remain closeted in 2016 when he opted to marry a woman. If you want to stay closeted, then you shouldn't marry someone under false pretenses and ruin their life...that's not right.

"Sally, dad and I are separating. Without going into too many details, I believe your father is gay but isn't ready to admit it. I still love him, and we both obviously love you. We are still a family, but I can't go on like this for the rest of my life."

She's 20. She should understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Serious question-
How did you not know having grown up with a closeted gay dad and all?

Role models, clearly. Oh, THAT's how a father/husband is supposed to act! I'll marry that one deep in the back of the closet. Thank you, sir.

[Anonymous]

Mother of a gay DD here. Divorced from a cheater.

I think at this age, you owe your daughter a truthful explanation. Obviously it wouldn't be something like, "your dad goes to gay bars and has sex with strangers". But revealing that the two of you can't stay married because he actually is gay.... yeah that seems fair.

I agree that you don't want to treat being gay as something to be ashamed of. Agree that your DH needs to tell her or you will.

Also, perhaps if you tell her the truth, you have a chance to break the pattern of behavior. My dad was a cheater. Both my sister and I married cheaters.

Liza Minnelli comes to mind, too. Her dad was gay, she's married (more than one I think?) gay man over the years.

I think you have to be compassionate but truthful, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Part of me still hates my mother for going on and on for years about what a terrible person my father was when they were married. That was between them, and it wasn't my job to pick sides. They divorced when I was in my early 20s. I had to repeatedly tell her bluntly and rudely to shut the f*ck up about it.

I don't think outing your husband is the right choice. Encourage him to do it himself. Under no circumstances should you badmouth him. It will hurt your relationship with your child.

I could have written the first part of your post. My mom did and still, to a degree, does this, and it's been 30 years.

But there's a difference between badmouthing and telling the truth. And telling it once and not rehashing it in a negative tone for years and years.

[Anonymous]

Your daughter is 20. Old enough to understand. You and your husband should sit her down and talk to her together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Part of me still hates my mother for going on and on for years about what a terrible person my father was when they were married. That was between them, and it wasn't my job to pick sides. They divorced when I was in my early 20s. I had to repeatedly tell her bluntly and rudely to shut the f*ck up about it.

I don't think outing your husband is the right choice. Encourage him to do it himself. Under no circumstances should you badmouth him. It will hurt your relationship with your child.

Child of divorce here, and this is my experience also.

It is not the OP's place to out her husband or in any other way cast aspersions on the father. She is entitled to tell her story which is this: we did not have a full marriage - this is no different from leaving a spouse because a) they cheated (straight ap) or b) they unilaterally imposed celibacy.

Would you still be advocating that she "must tell" her child that she is getting a divorce because dad is impotent or asexual? There is no difference here: their marriage is ending because whatever other feelings he has for mom, he's not attracted to her (or women) - and that's assuming what the OP says about him being closeted is true. Children will figure out who the nutjob|closet-case|bad-guy is on their own, and they must be allowed to see those things for themselves.

In my case it was very very clear that the person busy casting aspersions after the marriage had been the more toxic marriage partner. My father is very far from a perfect spouse (even in his 2nd marriage - which has lasted 2x as long as the first) or parent, but in hindsight, as an adult, with some marriage experience of my own, I was amazed he'd been able to stick it out with my mother as long as he did.

[Anonymous]

Did I miss it in my speed reading? Did the OP ever come back on to confirm her husband has said to her that he is gay? It makes a huge difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did I miss it in my speed reading? Did the OP ever come back on to confirm her husband has said to her that he is gay? It makes a huge difference.

No, she did not - did not even confirm that she had "proof" of any kind that he is actually gay. It does make a huge huge difference; I don't think OP should tell daughter, but if husband did tell OP that he's gay, it's a little more acceptable for mom to tell daughter that he told her that. I still think it's wrong to pull children into the tug of war.

[Anonymous]

why can't you just tell her the truth? Most 20 year olds are capable of coming to their own conclusions about how they feel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did I miss it in my speed reading? Did the OP ever come back on to confirm her husband has said to her that he is gay? It makes a huge difference.

No, she did not - did not even confirm that she had "proof" of any kind that he is actually gay. It does make a huge huge difference; I don't think OP should tell daughter, but if husband did tell OP that he's gay, it's a little more acceptable for mom to tell daughter that he told her that. I still think it's wrong to pull children into the tug of war.

I'm also wondering this, but agree with PPs conclusions.

[Anonymous]

I don't see why you can't just tell her you guys are divorcing because you've evolved as different people and it's no longer working. Why does the specific reason have to be given? Yes, she's your daughter and she's going to be affected by this, but she's 20 and really, it's not the kid's business why. If she was 12 would you tell her why? Or 6? Probably not.

And do not force him to tell her if he's not out. You should never force anyone to come out. Yes, some people are forced to come out and there's no way to avoid it, but this is not one of those situations.

[Anonymous]

So, what happens when DD is blindsided when she catches her dad with another man in a romantic way? You think that's a better way of her finding out, than her parents letting her know her dad is gay?

It's 2016. Hopefully we've all been raising un-bigoted children who are accepting. And if OP didn't do that, well, that sucks for her.

DD will be hurt by the divorce and surprised (maybe) by her dad being gay if she finds out now. As opposed to hurt by the divorce now, and blindsided and PISSED OFF when she happens upon it on her own later that her dad is gay and no one bothered to tell her.

WTF people. Seriously. Can you imagine someone else seeing the father and telling DD about it? Telling DD isn't about badmouthing the father (because being gay isn't bad) or casting aspersions. It's about making sure DD knows what is going on. She's 20. Not 12.

[Anonymous]

She is 20 years old. She needs to know the truth, but it should probably come from her father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did I miss it in my speed reading? Did the OP ever come back on to confirm her husband has said to her that he is gay? It makes a huge difference.

Yes of course ! If someone steals from you they aren't a thief until they admit they are a thief.