Am separating from closeted gay husband. What and how to tell 20 year old daughter

[Anonymous]

I am finally leaving my closeted gay husband. What and how should I tell our 20 year old daughter? My father was closeted gay and I wish my mother had told me. I don't think she knew.

[Anonymous]

Tell her he didn't honor his wedding vows.

[Anonymous]

Maybe this is something you should ask the LGBT forum.

Maybe you can talk with your husband about this as he might not be ready to come out of the closet yet If he is that's something he can discuss with her.

It's not your place to out him.

[Anonymous]

Tell her the truth.

[Anonymous]

Serious question-
How did you not know having grown up with a closeted gay dad and all?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe this is something you should ask the LGBT forum.

Maybe you can talk with your husband about this as he might not be ready to come out of the closet yet If he is that's something he can discuss with her.

It's not your place to out him.

+1 tell her the truth about your relationship. That doesn't mean you have to out him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell her the truth.

She's more than old enough to understand. Don't badmouth him, just be honest and matter of fact. Than let your DH talk to her as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Serious question-
How did you not know having grown up with a closeted gay dad and all?

Dumb question. Don't you know what "closeted" means?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Serious question-
How did you not know having grown up with a closeted gay dad and all?

Dumb question. Don't you know what "closeted" means?

No. It's not...

[Anonymous]

Gay woman here. Tell him he needs to tell her or you will. I really feel for him and generally don't believe in outing but this is different. Kids model parents. And the divorce will affect her. She deserves to know.

Not an easy situation, but I think there is a clear right answer.

Coming out is not easy. Sometimes we have no choice.

[Anonymous]

I am in a similar situation. My child is younger than yours and my h told me as soon as he started to come to terms with his identity. We have gone through the process together and have allowed our relationship to evolve along the way.
For me, I have tried to make decisions that I think my child will be proud of when they look back on this as an adult. To that end, it is not your job to tell your daughter about her father's identity. To do so is really just a way to blame him and avoid her blaming you for the breakdown of the marriage. If the two of you cannot have a conversation with her together, which would be ideal, then you should keep things vague as some others have suggested.
I do know how tempting it is to blame him and allow that hurt and anger take over. Truly I do. But how does that benefit your daughter?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe this is something you should ask the LGBT forum.

Maybe you can talk with your husband about this as he might not be ready to come out of the closet yet If he is that's something he can discuss with her.

It's not your place to out him.

I strongly disagree with this. She has every right to tell her own story about how the marriage ended.

I kept secrets about the end of my marriage from my kids and my family and friends. Secret-keeping is corrosive. It cuts you off from support and it distances you from other people because it makes you live an inauthentic life.

There is a way to talk with your daughter about her father's sexual identity and that the marriage broke up because of it without blaming or anger. Especially if she is 20 y.o.

Of course, it would be better if the father would speak his story, but if not the mother has every right to speak about the truth of the situation.

[Anonymous]

Is 20 old enough? Could it wait till after college? I was so fragile and immature at 20.

[Anonymous]

Question: How do you know he is closeted gay? Did he actually come out to you? Did he say "I'm gay and I want a divorce?"

The reason I'm asking is that my ex wife swears that the reason she left me was because I'm a closeted gay man; however, I'm not. Frankly its been a little surreal watching her develop this theory of hers. She now sees "gay" folks everywhere. She's told me that she knows I'm gay and that is why the marriage didn't work... that her co-workers are gay and they have been asking her out... that kids at our children's school are gay... on and on and on about how "now she sees it" but before she was "blind" which is how I "tricked" her into marrying me. She has gone around my circles telling people I'm gay. I'm personally NOT offended for myself; however, I see an impact on my children because the attitude is one of bigotry and blame.

I think this is some sort of self delusion to help her cope so she doesn't have to deal with her own part in the failed marriage.

Now; having said that... unless he has actually come out to you in very clear terms I do not believe your allegation against him. It is NOT your place to out your husband or anyone else to your children. It sounds like what you really want is to place the blame one him and give you an unassailable reason for why you are in the right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gay woman here. Tell him he needs to tell her or you will. I really feel for him and generally don't believe in outing but this is different. Kids model parents. And the divorce will affect her. She deserves to know.

Not an easy situation, but I think there is a clear right answer.

Coming out is not easy. Sometimes we have no choice.

I'm gay and I disagree with you. Completely.