Am separating from closeted gay husband. What and how to tell 20 year old daughter

[Anonymous]

22:17 here. 22:29 posts gets it right from a different angle. The secret keeping is corrosive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe this is something you should ask the LGBT forum.

Maybe you can talk with your husband about this as he might not be ready to come out of the closet yet If he is that's something he can discuss with her.

It's not your place to out him.

I strongly disagree with this. She has every right to tell her own story about how the marriage ended.

I kept secrets about the end of my marriage from my kids and my family and friends. Secret-keeping is corrosive. It cuts you off from support and it distances you from other people because it makes you live an inauthentic life.

There is a way to talk with your daughter about her father's sexual identity and that the marriage broke up because of it without blaming or anger. Especially if she is 20 y.o.

Of course, it would be better if the father would speak his story, but if not the mother has every right to speak about the truth of the situation.

No she has the right to be honest about how the marriage ended up and until the point where "her story" infringes on the right/well being of someone else. I could tell all sorts of "stories" about how my marriage ended but I don't have a right to hurt other people with those "stories." We don't know any of the situation. Will telling the daughter harm the daughter in some way? We don't know. Will it harm the husband? We don't know. Is it even true? We don't know. My ex felt the need to "tell her story" all over town and drug my kid along with her while she did it. The result was that she was very embarrassed by her mother when in front of a lot of people and she told the therapist that it was a horrible experience to have her mother saying the things she said. The ex didn't consider any feelings other than hers. She never even considered what level of details the child was capable consuming. She just put everything out there and it really upset the child. She was selfish.

[Anonymous]

I'm straight and have no experience with anything like this.

But it seems to me that this is about your sex life, and I don't think children (regardless of age) need or deserve information about their parents' sex lives. If you were divorcing DH because he was deeply interested in s/m and you weren't, or if he was no longer interested in sex but you were, or if he had had an affair and you felt that was unforgivable, or insert any other kind of sexual incapatibility here, I would also argue that you probably shouldn't share it with your kids. This facet of their being has nothing to do with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gay woman here. Tell him he needs to tell her or you will. I really feel for him and generally don't believe in outing but this is different. Kids model parents. And the divorce will affect her. She deserves to know.

Not an easy situation, but I think there is a clear right answer.

Coming out is not easy. Sometimes we have no choice.

THIS. I totally agree and I am a child of divorce where my Dad was gay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Question: How do you know he is closeted gay? Did he actually come out to you? Did he say "I'm gay and I want a divorce?"

The reason I'm asking is that my ex wife swears that the reason she left me was because I'm a closeted gay man; however, I'm not. Frankly its been a little surreal watching her develop this theory of hers. She now sees "gay" folks everywhere. She's told me that she knows I'm gay and that is why the marriage didn't work... that her co-workers are gay and they have been asking her out... that kids at our children's school are gay... on and on and on about how "now she sees it" but before she was "blind" which is how I "tricked" her into marrying me. She has gone around my circles telling people I'm gay. I'm personally NOT offended for myself; however, I see an impact on my children because the attitude is one of bigotry and blame.

I think this is some sort of self delusion to help her cope so she doesn't have to deal with her own part in the failed marriage.

Now; having said that... unless he has actually come out to you in very clear terms I do not believe your allegation against him. It is NOT your place to out your husband or anyone else to your children. It sounds like what you really want is to place the blame one him and give you an unassailable reason for why you are in the right.

Interesting. My BIL mused aloud that he thought his ex might be gay when they were getting divorced. He dropped it after a while, but I definitely think he was grasping for explanations. (Meanwhile, she has married another man.)

[Anonymous]

Dang. Lot of living life lies here.

I'll bet your daughter already knows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm straight and have no experience with anything like this.

But it seems to me that this is about your sex life, and I don't think children (regardless of age) need or deserve information about their parents' sex lives. If you were divorcing DH because he was deeply interested in s/m and you weren't, or if he was no longer interested in sex but you were, or if he had had an affair and you felt that was unforgivable, or insert any other kind of sexual incapatibility here, I would also argue that you probably shouldn't share it with your kids. This facet of their being has nothing to do with them.

This is not about some sexual preference, deviation, or betrayal. This is about his sexual identity. This is virtually not workable and both parents deserve understanding and acceptance for what they have been through and who they are. And it will very much have something to do with the kids if the Dad were ever to partner again and introduce them hoping everyone has a relationship of understanding and support. If the mom were to date again, she would likely introduce the grown kids if things got serious right? This is part of his identity forever if he is coming out. It will become part of his family life too. Otherwise he is still closeted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dang. Lot of living life lies here.

I'll bet your daughter already knows.

This. Secrets are corrosive. My mom came out to me when I was about 10, and it was a HUGE relief because I knew there was a secret, but I didn't know what it was (and I'd conjured up all kinds of crazy ideas). Being 20, and it being 2016 (rather than 1990), your daughter is probably more likely to guess the actual secret. But it's still scary and isolating to be the only one who is excluded from the secret. (I take it she's an only child, as am I.) Anyway, I'm not sure that you should out her dad, but I do think you should put all kinds of pressure on him to out himself (even if that includes an ultimatum).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm straight and have no experience with anything like this.

But it seems to me that this is about your sex life, and I don't think children (regardless of age) need or deserve information about their parents' sex lives. If you were divorcing DH because he was deeply interested in s/m and you weren't, or if he was no longer interested in sex but you were, or if he had had an affair and you felt that was unforgivable, or insert any other kind of sexual incapatibility here, I would also argue that you probably shouldn't share it with your kids. This facet of their being has nothing to do with them.

This is not about some sexual preference, deviation, or betrayal. This is about his sexual identity. This is virtually not workable and both parents deserve understanding and acceptance for what they have been through and who they are. And it will very much have something to do with the kids if the Dad were ever to partner again and introduce them hoping everyone has a relationship of understanding and support. If the mom were to date again, she would likely introduce the grown kids if things got serious right? This is part of his identity forever if he is coming out. It will become part of his family life too. Otherwise he is still closeted.

I'm sorry, I knew after I hit post that it sounded wrong. I absolutely do not think being gay is deviant in any way. And I understand that gay/straight is sexual identity. But I also think that I would be the same parent to my kids regardless of my sexual identity. My sexual identity has nothing to do with my relationship with them. I don't think it is important for them to know if I am straight or gay or bi. Maybe I'm wrong.

ITA that, ideally, ex feels comfortable revealing himself to his family so that he can openly pursue the relationships he wants and not have to hide important parts of his life (such as a new partner). But if that's not what ex wants, if he wants to stay closeted and continue to keep that part of himself and his life hidden, I just don't see how it helps anyone for OP to tell her DD her father's secret. It then becomes this *thing* between them, the same way it's this *thing* between OP and ex. And whereas this kind of thing is a major problem in a marriage, I don't see why OP should introduce this problem in DD's relationship with her father.

If these are the options:

A. OP keeps ex's secret and DD finds out some day and feels terrible/betrayed/confused/etc that her dad had a secret life he kept from her
Or
B. OP tells x's secret and now DD knows this thing about her father that she can't discuss with him

I vote for A. It just seems like B could create more secrets, not fewer (DD doesn't tell her dad that she knows; DD does tell her dad, but he denies it and now she doesn't know what to think, etc.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm straight and have no experience with anything like this.

But it seems to me that this is about your sex life, and I don't think children (regardless of age) need or deserve information about their parents' sex lives. If you were divorcing DH because he was deeply interested in s/m and you weren't, or if he was no longer interested in sex but you were, or if he had had an affair and you felt that was unforgivable, or insert any other kind of sexual incapatibility here, I would also argue that you probably shouldn't share it with your kids. This facet of their being has nothing to do with them.

This is not about some sexual preference, deviation, or betrayal. This is about his sexual identity. This is virtually not workable and both parents deserve understanding and acceptance for what they have been through and who they are. And it will very much have something to do with the kids if the Dad were ever to partner again and introduce them hoping everyone has a relationship of understanding and support. If the mom were to date again, she would likely introduce the grown kids if things got serious right? This is part of his identity forever if he is coming out. It will become part of his family life too. Otherwise he is still closeted.

I'm sorry, I knew after I hit post that it sounded wrong. I absolutely do not think being gay is deviant in any way. And I understand that gay/straight is sexual identity. But I also think that I would be the same parent to my kids regardless of my sexual identity. My sexual identity has nothing to do with my relationship with them. I don't think it is important for them to know if I am straight or gay or bi. Maybe I'm wrong.


ITA that, ideally, ex feels comfortable revealing himself to his family so that he can openly pursue the relationships he wants and not have to hide important parts of his life (such as a new partner). But if that's not what ex wants, if he wants to stay closeted and continue to keep that part of himself and his life hidden, I just don't see how it helps anyone for OP to tell her DD her father's secret. It then becomes this *thing* between them, the same way it's this *thing* between OP and ex. And whereas this kind of thing is a major problem in a marriage, I don't see why OP should introduce this problem in DD's relationship with her father.

If these are the options:

A. OP keeps ex's secret and DD finds out some day and feels terrible/betrayed/confused/etc that her dad had a secret life he kept from her
Or
B. OP tells x's secret and now DD knows this thing about her father that she can't discuss with him

I vote for A. It just seems like B could create more secrets, not fewer (DD doesn't tell her dad that she knows; DD does tell her dad, but he denies it and now she doesn't know what to think, etc.)

I understand what you re saying but this is to me more complicated than what you are seeing. For example, my mother's parents kept asking her to take my Dad back and try harder. They implied this in front of us and she didnt want to out him for a long time so she was made to look not forgiving or unable to reach compromise which was absolutely not true. She had lived with a closeted man for everyone's sake for years trying to figure out a way to make it work for everyone. When it was over it is was difficult but also a relief and she kept his sexual identity a secret at first. But soon after people wondered why she didnt try harder. My Dad didnt seem like a bad guy. He wasn't. They even seemed to get along at school functions. It was all very confusing. This is where a counselor is very useful - this isn't something that either parent could resolve to save the relationship. There were unintended betrayals and maybe some intended ones born out of frustration and living closeted in my family and so there are feelings of unrest and anger. There needed to be acceptance and forgiveness and new beginnings. It is possible but not with more hiding, shame, and lying. These are not answers for anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am finally leaving my closeted gay husband. What and how should I tell our 20 year old daughter? My father was closeted gay and I wish my mother had told me. I don't think she knew.

Check out the straight spouse network public forum. I think you'll get better advice than you are getting here.

[Anonymous]

This happened to my husband. His parents separated in his twenties. He suspected his dad was gay but no one ever said anything. In his thirties his dad came out to dh and his siblings. The reaction was anger. His mother wasn't involved in the conversation at all and I think had a phone call with her kids after the conversation with dad. I was present for all of this and it was just a mess of feelings. Nothing was resolved. To this day it's something no one talks about. I am a huge advocate for truth telling. I think secrets are poisonous, especially in families. I wish dh's mom and dad had sat thier children down years ago, together, and discussed this open and honestly. Age has nothing to do with it- the open forum, the holding the space as a family unit would've been more powerful. Now- we went from having a speculative secret to having a topic of conversation no one talks about. Almost the same imo.

[Anonymous]

OP,

My father is gay. I think your daughter should know.

But a couple of questions first. I don't want to cast doubt on your story, but is this is a situation in which you have firm evidence that your ex is gay? And that you father was gay? Or is this a working theory based on your suspicions, hurt, and their past "misconduct"? Because there's a world of difference between finding out your father is gay and you have a great relationship with dad, and hold him in the highest respect, and hear loving and respectful things about him at home (from mom), and hearing that he's gay because that's the theory du jour to account for his disappearances, behavior, and so forth.

[Anonymous]

How about you insist he tells her himself what he wants her to know.After all it's his issue not yours. If he refuses then ask him what he thinks you should tell her.

[Anonymous]

I think your DH and you not informing your DD would result in your DD believing a lie about YOU that is bigger anecdote significant than your DU being gay. She will believe that you value your family so little that you are willing to abandon it when things are just meh. To me, one of the most important things I teach my kids is that we as a family have each others' backs and are committed to each other. We don't just walk away. Absent your kids knowing the reason you are breaking up the family, they'll quite reasonably think you aren't committed. Of course a spouse being gay is a very, very good reason for both parents to want to divorce. Without explaining this to an adult child, however, she will naturally assume you were just staying together for her sake until she was launched (bad for her), that one of you engaged in cheating or other bad conduct (also bad for her in term of trusting romantic partners), or that you left because the otherwise seemingly happy family hit just wasn't important enough to you. Also, when she learns your DH is gay, which she will at some point, don't you think it will be pretty damaging to have been essentially lied to (or at least left wondering if she was at fault)? And isn't it just terribly thoughtless to treat being gay as something bad, as though it is something to be ashamed of?