Am separating from closeted gay husband. What and how to tell 20 year old daughter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, what happens when DD is blindsided when she catches her dad with another man in a romantic way? You think that's a better way of her finding out, than her parents letting her know her dad is gay?

It's 2016. Hopefully we've all been raising un-bigoted children who are accepting. And if OP didn't do that, well, that sucks for her.

DD will be hurt by the divorce and surprised (maybe) by her dad being gay if she finds out now. As opposed to hurt by the divorce now, and blindsided and PISSED OFF when she happens upon it on her own later that her dad is gay and no one bothered to tell her.

WTF people. Seriously. Can you imagine someone else seeing the father and telling DD about it? Telling DD isn't about badmouthing the father (because being gay isn't bad) or casting aspersions. It's about making sure DD knows what is going on. She's 20. Not 12.

It is his truth to tell her - not someone else's. Yes, there's a chance some busybody sees him out with another man and tells her, but this is between her and her father, not the mother. It is not the mother's place to tell her. Why is him being a gay a problem for the marriage? Sex. If this were any other dispute about sex, would you say there was some obligation to tell her? Do you think men should tell their children "I'm leaving your mother because she hasn't been willing to have sex with me for ten years"? Look around at the comments on this board about sexless marriages. Telling DD that he's "closeted gay" is 100% about making it "his fault" the marriage is ending. Mom may be angry that he lied to her about who he is and tricked her into a hollow marriage (I still remember the agony a co worker when through when his wife came out to him, because he really really loved her and their family), but she should take that out on him directly herself.

The "Truth" in this case is that their marriage is not working - that they have irreconciliable differences. That is all the detail the mother needs to give the DD. Yes, it would be better if DAD told his daughter, IF dad really is gay.

This stupid canard about warning her about marrying a gay man: guess what? We do all tend to marry people like our parents and that's already baked in - so sure, Liza and others were drawn to men like their own fathers and DD may be as well, but at 20, that ship has sailed - her dad isn't going to become un-gay.

[Anonymous]

Dad should tell her. She's an adult and deserves the bare bones explanation. If he refuses, I probably wouldn't out him, especially if he denies being gay. Stick with a vague description of irreconcilable differences and say it's complicated but its a problem between you and DH and not hers.

(I'm assuming he's really gay here and its not some paranoid speculation of OP. If the latter, definitely don't share with DD.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, what happens when DD is blindsided when she catches her dad with another man in a romantic way? You think that's a better way of her finding out, than her parents letting her know her dad is gay?

It's 2016. Hopefully we've all been raising un-bigoted children who are accepting. And if OP didn't do that, well, that sucks for her.

DD will be hurt by the divorce and surprised (maybe) by her dad being gay if she finds out now. As opposed to hurt by the divorce now, and blindsided and PISSED OFF when she happens upon it on her own later that her dad is gay and no one bothered to tell her.

WTF people. Seriously. Can you imagine someone else seeing the father and telling DD about it? Telling DD isn't about badmouthing the father (because being gay isn't bad) or casting aspersions. It's about making sure DD knows what is going on. She's 20. Not 12.

It is his truth to tell her - not someone else's. Yes, there's a chance some busybody sees him out with another man and tells her, but this is between her and her father, not the mother. It is not the mother's place to tell her. Why is him being a gay a problem for the marriage? Sex. If this were any other dispute about sex, would you say there was some obligation to tell her? Do you think men should tell their children "I'm leaving your mother because she hasn't been willing to have sex with me for ten years"? Look around at the comments on this board about sexless marriages. Telling DD that he's "closeted gay" is 100% about making it "his fault" the marriage is ending. Mom may be angry that he lied to her about who he is and tricked her into a hollow marriage (I still remember the agony a co worker when through when his wife came out to him, because he really really loved her and their family), but she should take that out on him directly herself.

The "Truth" in this case is that their marriage is not working - that they have irreconciliable differences. That is all the detail the mother needs to give the DD. Yes, it would be better if DAD told his daughter, IF dad really is gay.

This stupid canard about warning her about marrying a gay man: guess what? We do all tend to marry people like our parents and that's already baked in - so sure, Liza and others were drawn to men like their own fathers and DD may be as well, but at 20, that ship has sailed - her dad isn't going to become un-gay.

False.

If you think the reason a marriage ends in divorce when a spouse is gay is because of sex, than you have some reading to do.

[Anonymous]

Why does anyone "deserve" the truth about someone else's marriage? Unless ex has been engaged in dangerous or criminal behavior, why does DD "need" to know anything?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it's fair for a man to remain closeted in 2016 when he opted to marry a woman. If you want to stay closeted, then you shouldn't marry someone under false pretenses and ruin their life...that's not right.

"Sally, dad and I are separating. Without going into too many details, I believe your father is gay but isn't ready to admit it. I still love him, and we both obviously love you. We are still a family, but I can't go on like this for the rest of my life."

She's 20. She should understand.

I like this the best. Family secrets are KILLERS. Children suspect or know much more than you ever imagine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, what happens when DD is blindsided when she catches her dad with another man in a romantic way? You think that's a better way of her finding out, than her parents letting her know her dad is gay?

It's 2016. Hopefully we've all been raising un-bigoted children who are accepting. And if OP didn't do that, well, that sucks for her.

DD will be hurt by the divorce and surprised (maybe) by her dad being gay if she finds out now. As opposed to hurt by the divorce now, and blindsided and PISSED OFF when she happens upon it on her own later that her dad is gay and no one bothered to tell her.

WTF people. Seriously. Can you imagine someone else seeing the father and telling DD about it? Telling DD isn't about badmouthing the father (because being gay isn't bad) or casting aspersions. It's about making sure DD knows what is going on. She's 20. Not 12.

It is his truth to tell her - not someone else's. Yes, there's a chance some busybody sees him out with another man and tells her, but this is between her and her father, not the mother. It is not the mother's place to tell her. Why is him being a gay a problem for the marriage? Sex. If this were any other dispute about sex, would you say there was some obligation to tell her? Do you think men should tell their children "I'm leaving your mother because she hasn't been willing to have sex with me for ten years"? Look around at the comments on this board about sexless marriages. Telling DD that he's "closeted gay" is 100% about making it "his fault" the marriage is ending. Mom may be angry that he lied to her about who he is and tricked her into a hollow marriage (I still remember the agony a co worker when through when his wife came out to him, because he really really loved her and their family), but she should take that out on him directly herself.

The "Truth" in this case is that their marriage is not working - that they have irreconciliable differences. That is all the detail the mother needs to give the DD. Yes, it would be better if DAD told his daughter, IF dad really is gay.

This stupid canard about warning her about marrying a gay man: guess what? We do all tend to marry people like our parents and that's already baked in - so sure, Liza and others were drawn to men like their own fathers and DD may be as well, but at 20, that ship has sailed - her dad isn't going to become un-gay.

False.

If you think the reason a marriage ends in divorce when a spouse is gay is because of sex, than you have some reading to do.

You want to enlighten us?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does anyone "deserve" the truth about someone else's marriage? Unless ex has been engaged in dangerous or criminal behavior, why does DD "need" to know anything?

Can you really not foresee the problems that could happen if the daughter were to find out about her dad being gay any other way than one of her parent's telling her? If one of my parents were gay, I'd want to know as soon as they told anyone else, or someone knew, or they began dating someone, etc.

People talk on here about the wife being the last to know when their husband cheats on them. Imagine a daughter being the last to know that her dad is gay, meanwhile everyone around her knew.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does anyone "deserve" the truth about someone else's marriage? Unless ex has been engaged in dangerous or criminal behavior, why does DD "need" to know anything?

Can you really not foresee the problems that could happen if the daughter were to find out about her dad being gay any other way than one of her parent's telling her? If one of my parents were gay, I'd want to know as soon as they told anyone else, or someone knew, or they began dating someone, etc.

Why does it make any difference whether she hears it from Mom or from someone else? Really, the only person it makes a difference with - unless you think that being gay is something to be ashamed of - is with her father. It would be much better for her to hear it from her father than from anyone else (including mom).

Anonymous wrote:People talk on here about the wife being the last to know when their husband cheats on them. Imagine a daughter being the last to know that her dad is gay, meanwhile everyone around her knew.

I don't see why it would be so crushing...I mean, unless of course, it's something you're ashamed of...deeply ashamed of.

I posted earlier about how my mother was toxic and bad-mouthed my father a bunch. One of the many not-too-subtle accusations was that he was gay. I have no idea and I don't honestly care; I do know that after the divorce, he stopped saying negative things about her to anyone, and she was happy to blame him for things to anyone who'd listen. I hear a lot of that in this discussion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does anyone "deserve" the truth about someone else's marriage? Unless ex has been engaged in dangerous or criminal behavior, why does DD "need" to know anything?

Can you really not foresee the problems that could happen if the daughter were to find out about her dad being gay any other way than one of her parent's telling her? If one of my parents were gay, I'd want to know as soon as they told anyone else, or someone knew, or they began dating someone, etc.

People talk on here about the wife being the last to know when their husband cheats on them. Imagine a daughter being the last to know that her dad is gay, meanwhile everyone around her knew.

I thought "closeted" means "no one knows."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does anyone "deserve" the truth about someone else's marriage? Unless ex has been engaged in dangerous or criminal behavior, why does DD "need" to know anything?

Can you really not foresee the problems that could happen if the daughter were to find out about her dad being gay any other way than one of her parent's telling her? If one of my parents were gay, I'd want to know as soon as they told anyone else, or someone knew, or they began dating someone, etc.

Why does it make any difference whether she hears it from Mom or from someone else? Really, the only person it makes a difference with - unless you think that being gay is something to be ashamed of - is with her father. It would be much better for her to hear it from her father than from anyone else (including mom).

Anonymous wrote:People talk on here about the wife being the last to know when their husband cheats on them. Imagine a daughter being the last to know that her dad is gay, meanwhile everyone around her knew.

I don't see why it would be so crushing...I mean, unless of course, it's something you're ashamed of...deeply ashamed of.

I posted earlier about how my mother was toxic and bad-mouthed my father a bunch. One of the many not-too-subtle accusations was that he was gay. I have no idea and I don't honestly care; I do know that after the divorce, he stopped saying negative things about her to anyone, and she was happy to blame him for things to anyone who'd listen. I hear a lot of that in this discussion.

But..but..but..her father IS ashamed. That's why he's closeted.

No one is advocating keeping a secret from DD that everyone else knows. The presumption is that OP is the only one in their family/circle of friends who knows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it's fair for a man to remain closeted in 2016 when he opted to marry a woman. If you want to stay closeted, then you shouldn't marry someone under false pretenses and ruin their life...that's not right.

"Sally, dad and I are separating. Without going into too many details, I believe your father is gay but isn't ready to admit it. I still love him, and we both obviously love you. We are still a family, but I can't go on like this for the rest of my life."

She's 20. She should understand.

She absolutely should not plant the idea he's gay if she's not sure. Remove that sentence and the rest of it is fine. But it's really on dad to tell his daughter what's going on. I don't understand why he gets a pass here.

And yeah, she's 20. She probably has gay friends anyway.

[Anonymous]

That seems like something you need to talk to the husband (soon-to-be ex) about. It's not your place to out him -- even, and perhaps especially, to his own daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does anyone "deserve" the truth about someone else's marriage? Unless ex has been engaged in dangerous or criminal behavior, why does DD "need" to know anything?

+1 I, for one, wish my parents would tell me less about their marriage.

[Anonymous]

I also think that it is not a STBX wife's news to convey to their child, adult or not. The STBX husband needs to come out when he is comfortable with it.

You can say "Larla, your father and I will be divorcing. Unfortunately the issue is with your father and one that I cannot control, change or live with. If you want more details about why we are divorcing, talk to your father."

[Anonymous]

Hi! I have children elementary school age and am divorced with closet gay husband. I figure it is ex-husband's choice on whether to come out to world, and his kids, or not. My kids were younger than your daughter is, but I figure they may all figure it out at some point.

My explanation was that we are best friends but have decided to no longer be married. I told my ex-husband that I accept him as he is, whoever he is. Left it at that.

I think it was a relief for ex to be divorced and free at last to be who he wants to be.

I've chosen to move on with my life and embrace the freedom as well.

There are no rules here, treat your ex as you would want to be treated if you were in his shoes. If you both model positive behavior to each other to daughter, she will eventually embrace your choice. You can still celebrate holidays together and travel together and be friends, you are just no longer married.