Am separating from closeted gay husband. What and how to tell 20 year old daughter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP how to identify? I'm curious.

Oy vey.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Serious question-
How did you not know having grown up with a closeted gay dad and all?

Such an interesting question. My parents divorced. I didn't see a lot of my dad. He was closeted as I said. It's something I realized after I had been married to my husband for several years My father and I were not close at all My husband is closeted. How would I know if people all around me are lying?

Wait... You're using your suspicion of each of them as proof of the others "gayness"? So you don't know that your father or husband were/are gay you just suspect it?

OP is a nut job!!!! her rational is that because her and her father were not not close he must be gay and because the marriage didn't work husband must be gay too! Why???? because she is so special opposite sex attraction is the only reason why a man wouldn't be close to her.

[Anonymous]

I'm one of the early posters, who said that you and your husband must find a way to tell your daughter because secrets are corrosive. (I have a gay mom, and I knew there was a secret long before she came out to me, and the secrecy was really hard on me.)

I just wanted to chime back in now that we've gotten the full story--that your husband has NOT come out to you as gay and that you just have a suspicion that he's gay. You do NOT have the right to label him gay or to tell your daughter that he's gay.

My inclination toward honesty was because I don't think it's fair for the daughter to be left out of a secret that everyone else in her three-person family is sharing, but that's just not the case here.

You can tell your daughter things you KNOW TO BE TRUE. If you know that your husband had an affair, you can say so, and you can even say it was "with Jim" or whoever. If your sex life was unsatisfying to you, you can say that if you want. ("Your father and I were sexually incompatible, which was always frustrating for me.") Most of us don't really want to hear about your parents' sex life (or lack thereof), but I don't think you violate any major boundaries by saying something along those lines, especially when it's really about your own dissatisfaction.

But you simply cannot speculate with your daughter about her father's sexual orientation, and you cannot present it as fact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Several of the posters above have asked a very valid question. Specifically; HAS YOUR HUSBAND EXPLICITLY STATED TO YOU THAT HE IS GAY?
THE OP HAS CHOSEN NOT TO ANSWER while she has answered other questions.

Because she has chosen NOT to answer this more than likely means that she has no proof that he is gay or that he considers himself gay. The OP is simply using this as an excuse for the divorce. If the DH was actually GAY the OP would have some sort of proof and be able to answer the question.

OP here. He Is closeted as I said why are you so angry? He is still gay. He doesn't need to admit it for it to be true. Also I don't need an excuse for a divorce. My daughter cares about her father and isn't going to confront him. She is very gentle. But she still needs to know. You sound like a gay man who hates women

So here it is....

1. He may not actually be a closeted gay man because there is no evidence of this. It is simply her "reason" for a divorce.
2. Her accusation of the PP is "a gay man that hates women" is clear evidence that the PP has a bigoted anti-gay attitude which means she is incapable of having a non-biased conversation with her daughter about her husband. She will most likely talk about his alleged sexual orientation in a derogatory way.

Ding! Ding! Ding!

We have a winner .OP is a homophobic troll.

Who came up with this "clever" scenario to get in some good gay bashing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
NP: just interested to know what would constitute 'proof' for you? It seems to me that it would be a burden of proof that she could never meet in your eyes.

He admits it. He has had an affair or cheated with another man. He has been caught watching or buying gay porn. He has solicited other men. He has a grinder account or has used one of the gay dating apps. He's hanging out in gay bars and lying about where he's been (this last one is very borderline, but still much more than OP has).

But just a random suspicion because she thought her father was a closeted gay man and that her husband's actions resemble her father's is not even close enough to accuse him, let alone out him to their daughter.

Sounds like OP wants to blame him for the dissolution of their marriage and this is an easy way to make it all his fault.

[Anonymous]

If you know gay people IRL, then you would be able to tell if your spouse is gay. Have you ever been shocked to hear someone is gay? Didn't you already suspect/know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you know gay people IRL, then you would be able to tell if your spouse is gay. Have you ever been shocked to hear someone is gay? Didn't you already suspect/know?

OP here!! I am not homophobic. I am closet phobic. I had a gay uncle who was out for my whole life. He and his partner were wonderful. My parents divorced I saw my dad for normal visitation but we weren't close At some point when I was in my 40 s he made some comments making it clear that he slept with men. But he was remarried and presented as a cheating womanizer.
Husband: introduced to me by gay friend who goes in and out of the closet. Before we were married husband spent every weekend in boat with man who at my wedding told me my private parts smelled bad. There is more of this type of associations like evidence plus the 0 sex and lying to the therapist about it.
Have I hired a private detective? No
I had gay friends in high school and college. Possibly because of my uncle I thought that for my generation being closeted wasn't so prevalent. Now I realize that's not correct. It's still everywhere I don't want to force my husband out of the closet. I want my daughter to know the truth so she doesn't marry a gay man and have a life of frustration instead of joy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you know gay people IRL, then you would be able to tell if your spouse is gay. Have you ever been shocked to hear someone is gay? Didn't you already suspect/know?

OP here!! I am not homophobic. I am closet phobic. I had a gay uncle who was out for my whole life. He and his partner were wonderful. My parents divorced I saw my dad for normal visitation but we weren't close At some point when I was in my 40 s he made some comments making it clear that he slept with men. But he was remarried and presented as a cheating womanizer.
Husband: introduced to me by gay friend who goes in and out of the closet. Before we were married husband spent every weekend in boat with man who at my wedding told me my private parts smelled bad. There is more of this type of associations like evidence plus the 0 sex and lying to the therapist about it.
Have I hired a private detective? No
I had gay friends in high school and college. Possibly because of my uncle I thought that for my generation being closeted wasn't so prevalent. Now I realize that's not correct. It's still everywhere I don't want to force my husband out of the closet. I want my daughter to know the truth so she doesn't marry a gay man and have a life of frustration instead of joy

OP here again I want to thank everyone who posted , even the people who were a little nasty- I realize some of my posts were somewhat vague and could be misinterpreted All of the comments have helped me so much. I would like to end the thread now because it's so depressing that I have to take a break from the problem.

[Anonymous]

Is this a "down low" situation?

[Anonymous]

I replied to the locked cross-posted thread; adding an edited version of my reply here after seeing more details in subsequent posts to this thread. Given that your DH has NOT told you he is gay, and you do not seem to have knowledge of his behavior that conclusively proves he is gay, I absolutely would not take your SUSPICIONS to your daughter.

As in all divorce situations, my advice is to keep it classy and keep it vague -- especially since "vague" is all you really know for sure.

"We have chosen to end our marriage due to irreconcilable differences." (True -- either you suspect him incorrectly of being gay and no longer trust him or he is gay and you will never be each other's preferred gender, and that's not going to change. Respectful, discreet, inoffensive. No risk of overwhelming your DD with details she might not even want.)

"We are no longer compatible as spouses and will be happier apart." (True...all trust and communication seem to be destroyed, and if in fact he is gay you are newly aware that you're not a good match. Most people are happier not living (or living in) a lie. And this is very gracious because it implies that you care for the continued happiness of the father of your child.)

"We are divorcing due to the unfortunate but irremediable breakdown of the marriage" (True -- most likely you did not want to have reason to suspect or discover that your husband was gay and thus need a divorce, so it was certainly unfortunate. And a breach of trust like that could certainly be considered irremediable breakdown. Makes a strong statement, subtly lays the blame at his feet, but isn't outright accusatory in an unseemly way.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not wholly the DH's choice. Once you enter into a heterosexual marriage, your sexual orientation is relevant to your spouse, and your having a sexual orientation that allows your spouse to have a marriage with someone who is sexually oriented toward her (whether bi or hetero) is relevant to the entire family. My husband being homosexual is the only basis (other than physical abuse) on which I can imagine divorcing him. Everything else I believe adults are responsible for working out in their marriage if at all possible. I think it is a lie to tell your child that you were divorcing and not be clear that it is for a reason that you cannot control, and is not changeable were acceptable within the marriage. The blah blah blah about irreconcilable differences sound to me just like saying I give up. Your daughter has a right to know, and you have a right to let your daughter know, that you do not give up easily. That you only get them if it is a situation where there is no hope. It is totally selfish of your husband if he allows you to be put in the position of having your daughter not know why you are leaving. He is a grown man and will just need to figure out how he wants to deal with his sexual identity without keeping this a secret from your shared daughter. And if by chance he married you while knowing he was gay, well, that's a whole different story and I have absolutely no tolerance for any suggestion you should keep that a secret.

Completely agree. The father is a liar, why should the mother be placed in the position of lying to her daughter to protect him?

[Anonymous]

Op I believe you that he is closeted. You don't need to prove anything to anyone on this thread. I have a very closeted friend who is married with a child, and I'm just wondering when / if his wife will give up and move on. The attention he pays to other men, his jokes and other clues make it damn obvious after a time. It's not always someone who is actually engaging in sex with men.

[Anonymous]

I think absent of explicit proof it's not okay to speculate to your daughter.

I I suspected for years that my father-in-law it was a closet case based on a lot of circumstantial evidence. That speculation was very hurtful to my husband. A lot of it had to do with him being in a toxic and codependent relationship with a male friend. Now that he is out of that relationship I no longer openly speculate about his private life. I could see how much it was hurting my husband to have to think about whether his dad is keeping a huge secret from him

[Anonymous]

If you out someone you THINK is gay with no ACTUAL proof you are a horrible human being

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you out someone you THINK is gay with no ACTUAL proof you are a horrible human being

Why ? Who cares if he is gay ? On another thread a woman walked on her husband because he said mean things about her cooking ability and she is a hero.